View Full Version : New childminder facing domestic violence

21-10-2010, 09:43 AM

I have browsed this inspiring forum for months before I finally got registered and started childminding. I find the support here immense from pre-reg ,finding your new clients and carrying on with childminding.

I am enjoying my new job as childminder. However I am sorry to have to look for some help now as I am facing domestic violence more severely now and thinks it's time to find some help.

I am really backwards as to these things, to go and report to the police or not, the gp, I am afraid of the consequences, if my hub crb check will be affected in future if I report and still stay with him. Or if things go bad, how do I proceed so that I can stay in our rented house with my kids and he has to go. I am totally confused and do not know where to start.

If there is anyone who has gone through this , please do give me your best advice

Thanks a lot

21-10-2010, 11:34 AM
hi sweetie,

i'm sorry, i have no advice to give you, but want to offer support and i am sure that someone with experience will be along soon (or this evening) to help you out.

take care xxx

21-10-2010, 11:42 AM
I have my hands full at the moment - but will be back on later to give a proper response - sending hugs for now x

21-10-2010, 11:45 AM
All I can say Is call 08082000247 it's the domestic support helpline for womens refuge please call them as they will be able to offer more support to you and your children then anyone could on here we are all thinking off you just be strong

Sending lots of love

21-10-2010, 11:50 AM
Wish I was able to advise but wanted you to know that we are all here for you.

21-10-2010, 12:01 PM
I think the next time he hits you - you need to ring the police there and then. Dont wait till the next day as it can end up your word against yours. I also think that if the violence is increasing it will never stop.

However personally I wouldnt wait for the next time I would ask him to leave and have someone with you when you do.

My friend has just been through this and it didnt matter how many chances she gave him he never stopped.

Is your house rented privatly or through a housing assoication/council if its the latter Im sure you can contact them for help and advice and they can remove him from any agreement if he is on it.

If you press charges against him it could show up on any future crb check especially if the children witness it and social services get involved. It will be up to ofsted what if any limitations are placed on your registation.

Alot of this sounds scary I know especially if social services get involved that according to my friend was the worse. But it is there to protect everyone not to make your life difficult.

Police can put an injunction against him coming near you so that effectively stops him coming to the house.

Hope you are ok and sending hugs Im sure someone with better advice will be along soon.

21-10-2010, 12:05 PM
I have no advise myself, but agree with the above, take care x

The Juggler
21-10-2010, 12:06 PM
hon, if it were me I would not worry about the option of reporting him then worrying about his CRB if I stay with him - because I wouldn't. However, I know that is very easy for me to say as I've never been in your position.

I don't have any experience of this but I think a few members do. But, as someone with no experience, I agree with Fussy, report it immediately then get an injuction to stop him coming near your house affecting you, your kids and the minded children.

Sending a big hug honx

21-10-2010, 12:07 PM
My daughter has been a victim of Domestic abuse when her own child was 2.

If you have reached the stage where you are questioning if should do something - then you should. It does take a lot of courage - in my daughters case she kept quiet until it was too late and she was really hurt - she now regrets giving the man a second, a third and many more chances.

Her son witnessed it all and even though was only 2, is still hauted by it all - and 5 years later meeting someone with that mans name brings it all back.

You also have to consider your own children and the mindees (my daughter was not a childminder) - as if something happens while you are minding - it could be questioned if you had protected the mindees / own children (as you know about the risk).

I think his CRB would be affected and therefore if you ever did get back together you may not be able to childmind. BUT that is not the most important issue - your safety and that of your own children and mindees is.

There are several charities that offer support and advice- who know far more than me so it might be an idea to get in touch with them.

You have been very brave just to mention it on here and I am sure that if needed you will find the strenght to seek the help you need.

Best wishes and lots of hugs

Penny :)

21-10-2010, 12:08 PM
Sorry, no advice, but your safety is more important than your job, so if it were me, I think I'd call police xxx

21-10-2010, 12:16 PM
I am sorry to hear you are going through all of this. I hope someone can help you soon, I have not experienced dv before so I have no good advice apart from that I hope you will find the strength to move on, try not to worry too much about the consequences of sorting it out - think more of the consequences if you don't sort it out. Sending you a hugs and strength xx

21-10-2010, 12:21 PM
So sorry to hear what you are going through.

I do think you need to get the Police involved tho, you should not have to put up with this any longer.

Big hugs coming your way.


21-10-2010, 12:22 PM
I have no advice to offer but wanted to say you have done the hardest bit and that is asking for help.
You have had some good advice already and I'm sure there will be more along soon, but there is help out there for you and I think you are incredibly brave and please stay strong xxxxxx

21-10-2010, 12:26 PM
I think you need some support in terms of police etc ..........The crb should not be a concern to you ........your safty should .I AGREE with above you are here activily talking about it and seeking advice and support .

You cant let this keep happening to you , when if ever will it stop :(

sending hugz your way xxxx

21-10-2010, 12:35 PM
Thank you all for your good advice, your encouragements, your sincere concern, I am really really touched by your responses.

The problem is that I am not too sure how to live after he has gone, I do not drive yet, I also have 2 under 5 kids and 3 grown ups , will life not be a hell in another way.

But I am seriously thinking now after 17 years , this has always stopped and restarted and the same goes on each time


21-10-2010, 01:04 PM
Good advice given by Fussy Elmo and Penny. Sending you hugs hun.

21-10-2010, 01:31 PM
report him and leave him or kick him out,,, have somone there with you when you kick him out and also report it to the council or whoever you rent agreement is with as they may be able to help,,, dont stay with him cause it wont stop,, as for how to live with out him,, you will be able to do it cause you have to, you will probably cope far better than you ever think you can.
good luck with it all

21-10-2010, 01:37 PM
I am a DV survivor and left after giving my ex loads of chances and too many years of my life and he never stopped. He even tried to control me after I had taken back the control.

I have pm'd you xxx

21-10-2010, 01:51 PM
No advice but sending lots of hugs your way

mandy xxxxxxxx

21-10-2010, 02:09 PM
You are so brave for mentioning this. I recently had to help a family member out of a similar situation, and yes you are right life will be another type of hell for a while. It is not easy going it alone with small children, even with family and friends to help. Life can turn upside down and it is heartbreaking.
BUT oh my gosh wow - you will live without fear! And your children will grow up to know you protected them and that you are brave. You and your kids deserve to live freely without pain and fear.
You know you can do it.
Try to make a plan so you feel safe - people around who can back you up and help with the children. Please don't leave it too late.

The Juggler
21-10-2010, 04:23 PM
Thank you all for your good advice, your encouragements, your sincere concern, I am really really touched by your responses.

The problem is that I am not too sure how to live after he has gone, I do not drive yet, I also have 2 under 5 kids and 3 grown ups , will life not be a hell in another way.

But I am seriously thinking now after 17 years , this has always stopped and restarted and the same goes on each time


hon, it'll be hard but what is worse - learning to live life on your own or being part of this hideous violence. I don't drive for work, you can walk and the grown up kids don't need you to drive them, they can learn to drive themselves or take a bus. ;) Seriously though, one step at a time. The driving lessons can come when you have your life back on balance again if you really need to have a carx

21-10-2010, 04:31 PM
You have already had lots of good advice. I just wanted to send you big hugs and support.


21-10-2010, 04:41 PM
Just wanted to say you have had lots of good advice - you do need to get yourself and your children out of this situation. The police will be able to help you - if necessary you could probably go to the local women's refuge. Yes it will be hard for a while - the end of a relationship is always hard anyway, without any added complications - but it will be better.

You have taken a really important first step - you know there is a problem and you have asked for help. Be proud of yourself and take that next step forward.

Good luck and sending you lots of hugs xxx

21-10-2010, 04:47 PM
my mum was married to a violent man, my older brother and sister where also the bearers of his violence, verbal, sexual and emotional abuse.
I would love to say that everything will be fine he wil stop
but he wont, it will continue, it will get worse and your children are not safe

you have to act now, you do not deserve this your children do not deserve this he is doing nothinfor you now so you do not need him

sorry to be so blunt but from my own families experience i have seen the destruction it has caused years down the line

21-10-2010, 05:04 PM
hi ive pm you but you need to empty your boxs as there full take care:)

21-10-2010, 05:09 PM
Sending you a big hug. Time to think about you and your children. Don't wait until the next time. xxx

21-10-2010, 05:48 PM
I think from the huge response here you must be able to feel all our concern, support and good wishes for your family. All this must be very overwhelming for you.

21-10-2010, 06:08 PM
You are one brave person, reaching out like this. You have obviously taken a huge step in wanting to change things - otherwise you would not have posted.
Thank you for trusting in us.

You are wondering what to do and I sense that you want to make changes, there are going to be a lot of what-ifs of course but you need to think in small steps. I have recently supported a good friend through leaving her violent and controlling her husband. Its taken her 2years to go though the whole process and come out the other side but she has done it, with lots of ups and downs, doubts etc but she is one amazingly strong woman (she realises now).

What has happened though she is still having to and will be for a while to come, the effects (of the violence and behaviours) on the children.

Please if not for your sake, but your childrens - teach them (children) that this behaviour from another person is not acceptable or tolerated. Report him and give him that chance to have that wake up call and get some help.
As for the CRB - yes it will show up on one more than likely but ask yourself - is he suitable anyway to be around children? My answer to that is - at the moment he is not suitable to be around humans.

You are a worthwhile person and you do not have to accept being treated this way.
As for surviving afterwards - you will figure it out. There are organisations out there to help people like you. My friend has nothing but the highest praise for the Domestic Abuse group.

21-10-2010, 09:19 PM
Hi toyslover, not sure if anyone has suggested womensaid, they are the national domestic violence charity, there is a tel number on the front page of their website
Please call them, as an adult, please protect yourself and your children. Your children are reliant upon you to protect them, I can't tell you how important it is that you face your fear and leave this man. The effect on children of domestic violence, even if they are not physically injured can be devastating and have a profound effect throughout their lives.

Look after yourself, you need some good personal advice, legal and financial advice quickly.
We are all here for you, sending hugs,

22-10-2010, 09:24 AM
Thank you all for your good advice, your encouragements, your sincere concern, I am really really touched by your responses.

The problem is that I am not too sure how to live after he has gone, I do not drive yet, I also have 2 under 5 kids and 3 grown ups , will life not be a hell in another way.

But I am seriously thinking now after 17 years , this has always stopped and restarted and the same goes on each time


You have had some great advice so I wont add to it

I do know someone was was seriously hurt though when in the same situation that you are in.

She could never leave him because she thought she could not cope once she had set the ball in motion

She was the one that always felt " guilty "
Guilty if she split the family
Guilty because her hubby was ok when he was not lashing out at her
Guilty because they might not be able to cope finacially
Most of all Guilty because she still loved him

But in the end she had no choice he is in prison now and she had to make it on her own and she did

You can too

It will be a hard struggle but once you set the wheels in motion you will not look back

Good luck , keep us posted

Sending you huge hugs

Angel xxx

sue m
22-10-2010, 09:41 AM
Good advice, I left many years ago and it was the best thing I did for me and my kids. I was 28, my kids were 5 and 9 and I didn't drive, I had to move away to another town. I didn't find it a problem, the main thing was being away from him. I was happy. And still am and still remember it like it was yesterday and it was right throughout the 1970's.

You will be absolutely fine, you will manage. Good luck xx

22-10-2010, 09:47 AM
Hope it works out better for you this time! Good luck xx

22-10-2010, 09:47 AM
I don't have any experience of this so can't offer any advice but I do want to offer you my support and if you ever want to chat them please feel free to pm me.

Heaven Scent
22-10-2010, 10:26 AM
Not got anything to add as have not got any personal experience -I do understand that you probably don't want to devalue the love you had together especially when you created new life together - If you feel there may be something that has triggered this - like a bereavement or financial difficulties and he has moments of reason then see if he would be willing to move out for a while and perhaps stay with a family member or friend while he sought professional help. Some relationships survive domestic violence if the offender accepts the fact that they need help and accepts it with an open mind.

I don't however feel he should remain in the family home until he has resolved any issues he may have.

If he is beyond reason then you need to get shut immediately and take any measures necessary to do so whilst ensuring yours and your childrens safety - Please Please put that first!!!!

22-10-2010, 10:32 AM
what a frightening position to be in, the advice you have had is great and i do hope that you feel more equipped to set the ball in motion xxx

22-10-2010, 01:31 PM
I don't have much time but wanted to say as someone who has left an abusive partner how much relief you will feel when he is gone. I left with my 9mth old son and I had nothing apart from my DS's clothes, toys and his cot. I had to start again from scratch but friends and family will rally round and help. Yes it was hard I was working FT and bringing up my DS on my own. I remember not even having enough money to buy his milk. I remember being so shattered after being up all night with DS when he refused to sleep and not knowing how on earth I was going to get through the day at work BUT I also remember the huge sense of weight being lifted off my shoulders to not have to live my life walking on eggshells all the time. I have never once regretted my decision. Please get help for the sake of your children. PM me if you want to
Hugs xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

22-10-2010, 01:51 PM
Thanks to everybody for your support, yes I will start taking small steps , one at a time and I feel stronger already to see my future days

You are all great, I am proud to be here. I feel relieved


22-10-2010, 05:14 PM
Hi! I spent my whole childhood witnessing my father's violence to my mum. It never stops and from a child's point of view as well as for your own safety please please get out of there now! My mum went through 30 years all in all and I witnessed it until I was 16years old when they finally seperated for good. The thing my mum regrets now looking back, is not getting out of there sooner and feels guilt for what i had to go through. It is so difficult to see clearly when you are in this situation and I really feel for you, but please trust me when i say that you really must get out of there now. Do you have anywhere you can go to? Any family members etc? Thinking of you xxx