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liverpoolsusie
09-09-2010, 09:38 PM
I dont now if this is the right place to post but I really do need help,
I am a newly registered childminder, but do havemy own children so by no means a novice,
I am minding two little ones at the moment and my own child, the older one who is 4 and just started school comes in every day and hits, kicks, elbows, bites and punches his way through the day constantly, I have tried talking to him, giving him time out and taking him to the house rules poster and reading to him telling him why he should not do these things but its not having any effect, he just screaches at me saying I dont have to listen to you, but mummy lets me or shut up and things like that, he says he doesnt like me because I shout at him, I dont at all I just tell him no thats not acceptable, but do seem to be doing this over and over again, the other day he said I wish you would die so I could get another childminder who doesnt tell me off for hitting and kicking, I have spoken to mum about this a few times but she is saying he is fine at home, or looks at me like it is me that is making him like this.
Today mum come and told me she had taken the day off to take him to and from school herself and she was going to the park afterwards so they could have some alone time as he was up in the night having nightmares ( this made me feel awful, she said he was crying there were monsters), she come back later to collect the other little boy and while she was talking to me she said oh no The older child was biting the little ones foot, next thing the little one screams and is crying and she just turned and said, oh that was too hard, not dont bite or that is wrong, then he run in got my two year old by the head and started dragging her around and mum just says oh dont do that all jolly and happy, now I am not wanting her to shout and scream but I really do not know what to do , is it me am I wrong to think she should be a bit more stern and tell him he should not bite and hit, I am all for positive parenting but when is it time to say No that is not acceptable? so sorry this is long and rambling, but I have been looking after him for 10 weeks and I wonder will he ever calm down or have I just got to say no this isnt working, thanks in advance.

helenlc
10-09-2010, 01:42 PM
I would say that he is testing his boundaries but you would think after 10 weeks he has realised you are not budging. How does the younger one behave?

I think perhaps Mum isnt taking it as seriously as you would like. Maybe she doesnt see that his behaviour is that bad (although I dont see how!!). I used to have 2 siblings about a year apart in age. The older one would often be a little moo to her brother. But when I told Mum at pick up time, she would just laugh. One time she had bit my DD who was about 8 at the time. When I told mum and she sniggered a little, I did say I dont think its funny. She took me a bit more seriously after that!!

What does your Behaviour Policy say? I would perhaps print off an extra copy, high light the bits about no biting, shouting etc and show this to mum. Explain that you have a duty of care to the other children you look after (including your own) and that if his behaviour starts having a detrimental affect on the other children, then you may have to consider giving notice.

I had a child like this last year and it got me down so much. I wasnt enjoying him coming, nor were my own children and when 2 new ones came along, it just got worse and worse. I would tell mum and she reckoned she gave time outs etc but I could see when I took him home that she had no control over him. I ended up giving notice. Everyone in my house was so much calmer after that.

If you really dont feel that mum is taking you seriously or sees his behaviour as bad, then I am afraid you are hitting your head against a brick wall. You will not get the backing you need from the parent and any good you may get done at yours, will be under mined when he then goes home and its acceptable.

Sorry. I do hope it gets better for you.

Incidentally, has he been to a childminder before? Seems a weird thing to say about wishing you did so he can have another minder. I just wonder if he was with another childminder and she gave them notice, so now he is thinking he can behave badly and get someone else? Maybe someone a bit more lenient!!!:laughing:

The Juggler
10-09-2010, 01:43 PM
hon, sit mum down and say biting and dragging is unacceptable its not about how hard it is:eek: :eek: :eek:

Tell her she please needs to back you up on this and behaviour needs to improve immensely over next month or you will have no choice but to give notice due to affect on other children.

Work on a plan/advice for her togehter if needs be.

If he is hurting other children when with you and refusing to stop or is hitting you, call her and tell her she has to collect immedaitely. Tell her now that this is what you will be doing during the month's trial period.

If it's getting too much though, give notice befroe that. If he is hurting others all the time you can give immediate notice. Sending a hugx

Pipsqueak
10-09-2010, 01:48 PM
Your house your rules - end of. He is 4 and therefore he is old enough to understand no being physical etc.
Start writing down all the incidents and how you have dealt with it for starters so you have some log.

I would explain to mum this is negatively impacting upon your own children and this is the behaviour management strategy you would like to put into place. I would also explain you would like some back up so the child is getting consistency. Give it a trial run and see if there is any improvement.

You are bigger and stronger than he is - if he won't listen, do as told, hurting other children, for me it would be one strike and you're out in this situation. He would be removed from the situation, time out, removal of privilages/toys etc.

if the mum won't work with you then you may have a decision to make whether you want to carry on.

To say - oh thats too hard (about biting) is frankly astounding.

Mookins
10-09-2010, 02:09 PM
sorry but if that wasmeand he hasnt learnt my houose rules by now and mum didnt severly tell him off for pulling your little one by her head i would be terminating contract as of now and telling that mum she has to sort her prioroties out

my kids come first and there is no way i would i wouever let my dd worry that it might happen again
bills can wait
xx

Mykidsrock
10-09-2010, 02:32 PM
I agree totally with what everyone has said. If mum won't take it seriously then your flogging a dead horse and your better off giving notice.

I'm shocked to be honest that 'oh that was too hard' was not 'you do not bite people' and then remove him from the situation to the naughty step perhaps so he learns that unacceptable actions have consequences. Sadly he is getting conflicting messages from you both (your's being the right message though) and for as long as mum allows him to behave in a manner that is putting other children at risk of harm from him then he will not change - he has no reason to.

Your own children have to come first and if this LO is making their life unbearable and uncomfortable whilst he is around then sorry, but he has to go.

Good luck with it all x

liverpoolsusie
10-09-2010, 03:19 PM
Thankyou to all of you, I have lost so many hours sleep over this the last couple of weeks, I know in my heart of hearts its not fair to my little girl, I just needed to hear someone elses oppinion, I will speak to Mum on Monday and not ask her but tell her what my rules are and if she doesnt agree she will have to find someone else,

He did have a cm when he was a baby but that was before his brother was born, the little one is copying his older brother a lot at the moment and does smack and push but he is at an ages when you say no he doesn't do it again but the older one has become a nightmare and I dread the kick on the front door every morning!

Thanks all again, I will let you all know how it goes :(

Mookins
10-09-2010, 05:27 PM
big hugs
xx

Tina O
10-09-2010, 05:49 PM
I feel for you and hope you can get it sorted xx

liverpoolsusie
22-09-2010, 06:04 PM
Well here is my update,
I spoke to mum and nothing was working, little boy was getting worse with each passing day, then somthing terrible happend, when his mum come to pick him up my 2.5 year old bit him right in front of his mum, I was mortified, she has never done anything like this before, I brought her in and told her how naughty she was ( a compleate no no in front of mum), phoned mum later and appologised, mum was so nice about it saying it happens, etc, etc, I felt terrible. Anyhow from that day to now little man has been so very well behaved, he has not hit, kicked, punched or bit and has calmed right down.