ADVICE NEEDED - problems with parents!! [Archive]

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marnieb

07-07-2010, 04:08 PM

Hello everyone,

I have just found this website, and I think I'll be using it a lot!! :thumbsup:

I'm sorry if this is a long post, but I really need some help and advice.

I'll try to keep it as unbiased as possible, and ALL reactions and advice very gratefully received!!

I'm Marnie, I'm 34 and have ds 6 and a half, and dd 16 months. I was an NNEB nanny for 12 years before doing my training while pg with dd, and have been minding for almost a year.

I have T, 23 months, 4 days a week. Her parents are an older M & D, I think late 30's early 40's. They are both very nervous, quiet shy people. T is their world, and they do everything they can for her. I knew this was what they were like from the beginning, and M used to text me almost every day, and would want to chat on the phone at least once a week, and we have a day book for notes and info. At first I did all I could to reassure and help them. I thought it would tail off, but a year on in the last 2 weeks she's wanted to talk at least 3 times at inconvient (ie family time!!) evenings and weekends. And not about anything important, to ask how I was going to keep T cool in this heat!!! :huh:

A few months ago they were going through a bad time with T not going to sleep at night, taking about an hour to go to sleep. So I told them I'd get T to walk as much as possible to wear her out. School runs only twice a day and takes just over half an hour, so maybe 20 min of that is actual walking, and maybe to groups 2/3 times a week, no more than 15 min walk each way. T is a very good walker has been walking before 1, so i thought they were happy with this as she's started sleeping better because of it. She has fallen over 3 times while walking in the last month, the last time was a bad one har face was red for a few days.

I mentioned to M that as T has calmed down and it's going really well with her that I'm taking on another Mindee in October. I am regd to have another in the Early Years - I'm doing nothing wrong but trying to increase my income a bit. I'll have E 3 days a week but he'll be gone by 2.30pm. Can I mention that I have turned down work in the past year so I could focus on T and concentrate on her while she was still a baby.

Last week we had our annual review - and it did not go well!!!!!!!!

The first thing she asked was how I'm going to cope with 3 small children, if I can actually cope, how I'll give T any attention. I have been doing this job for years - if I didn't think I could cope then I wouldn't do it! She them asked what T will do when the weather's bad - I said that won't be an issue till Oct, but as she already walks most of the day she'll continue to, and in bad weather wear her waterproofs. She then went on to say she can't afford to take any more time off if T gets ill because she's made to walk in heavy rain/snow??!

She then said that not all CM's have school runs, in a tone that implied mine was unusual!! - I pointed out that only doing a school run twice a day is in fact unusual, and most Cm's have am or pm Nursery run as well.

I do understand her concerns, but as T already does the walk, and they knew about it, I must have assumed incorrectly they would be happy for it to continue in the winter, otherwise she'll be back to not sleeping???

She then asked if i was getting a triple buggy - I said no, nowhere to store it. She then offered to get me one. She then asked if I'd signed anything with E's M & D yet - told her no, doing it when I get back from holiday 1st week in August.

She then offered to pay me more if I agree to not take on more Mindees for another year....!!!!

On another note - she thinks T is too young to be walking, but has started her at pre-school on a Friday morning (my day off). I asked her why, and she said it was so she can have some time to herself. I told her if that's all she wants she can send T to me on a friday am instead.

Today she left a note asking to have a meeting next Friday.

I really don't know what to think about it, and what she'll want to discuss. Just the walking or buggy, or part of me thinks she's going to say she'll go elsewhere if I take on E.

I'm really sorry this has been so long!!!!! Just needed to get it all down!!!!

marnie
x

snufflepuff

07-07-2010, 04:29 PM

Sounds like they need a nanny rather than a childminder! Or maybe just a general slave! They are being very unreasobale here and it sounds like you have been way more accommodating than you need to be. You can take on new children when you wish, it is none of their business!

I'd be tempted to say that you will consider not taking on this new child IF she pays for all of your spaces. So 2 under 5's spaces all rear round plus what you could earn if you filled your 2 over 5's spaces for before school, after school and full days in the school hols. (That would probably make it about £1500 per month or more) See what she says to that!

Chimps Childminding

07-07-2010, 04:42 PM

If she is worried about the attention her lo will get when you take on another child, how will she cope with nursery???? she won't get one to one attention there!!!!!!!

Think she is just being over protective, but its not fair to ask you not to take on other children unless she is going to make it worth your while,ie pay you what you could be getting by taking on another child full time :rolleyes: !!

auntym

07-07-2010, 04:56 PM

She has no right asking you not to fill your additional space unless shes prepared to pay for it to..I'd advise her that you have turned down places in the past to focus on her child and that you cannot continue to turn down work, tell her im sure she can appreciate that cost of living is increasing all the time and you would never dream of asking her to take a cut in her wages.
so unless shes willing to pay you for the two spaces stand your ground otherwise she may as well be running your business.;)
She wont find a childminder who will turn down work for her child unless she compensates for it.
Hope it all works out ok hon xxxx

miffy

07-07-2010, 04:59 PM

She needs a nanny not a childminder!

Sounds like you have already been very accomodating in not taking any other children over the last year - even if she did agree to pay for your other space I think that would make her think she "owned" you and there would be further demands on your time and how you care for her child.

She won't be able to dictate to the nursery so why should she dictate to you. I think you have to explain that you are running a business and it is your decision whether to take on any more children or not.

You might have to prepare yourself to lose T though.

Miffy xx

WibbleWobble

07-07-2010, 05:01 PM

Oh i love blackmail!!!

actually i am speechless...for once!:littleangel:

mandy xxx

Pipsqueak

07-07-2010, 05:10 PM

I think these parents have been 'spoiled' with the care they have and have considered you are a nanny.

You do not have to justify (or even tell them) about future mindees and I would have told them in the politest possible way that!.

Perhaps you need to have a chat with them and reassure them that you are more than capable of caring for these children - including theirs, you work within guidelines and regulations and that if they cannot show more trust in you then......
If they are wanting you as a nanny then they will have to pay for all your spaces that they do not want you to fill and actually employ you as one - not use you as a childminder/services. work out a rough figure and tell them that is what it will be to cover all your spaces - so that would be 1 under 5 space average of 45hrs full time per week, 2 x 5-8yr old spaces
for approx 3 hrs per day term time and then I would say 1 x 5-8yr old space for approx 30hrs during school holidays and for good measure I would say 1 x over 8 space for approx 3 hrs per day term time and then 3 days in the school holidays per week. Thats rather a lot of money they are going to have to find to cover your spaces that they do not want you to fill.:D :D

I think you may have to get a little firm and assertive here whilst remaining polite and professional. They can't have it all ways. Of course I can understand that their LO is their world but they need to start trusting you as a professional and respecting you.

ja8estar

07-07-2010, 05:12 PM

Hello u have my sympathy I have a parent who is a teacher who has odd ideas
due to lack of work and mindees moving abroad
my mindee became to be the one and only for 18mths during this time I asked for pay rise and it took ages for the parent to agree I got my payrise though
she also constantly phones at weekends evenings and during the day
my advice get an answer phone and write a letter saying that as you are busy caring for the children you will only answer emergency calls
I dont do texting other wise I would have no peace
I also have in my parent pack a notice saying I dont take calls at the weekend or evenings as I have my own family
if the parent phones to say child is ill then I return call
If want to care for other children say to the family its a great experience for the child to mix with others
as for walking explain that you go at a slow pace and how educational it is and the health benifits
poor you stick to your guns its hard to be tough but it will all come out in the wash
good luck:thumbsup:

blue bear

07-07-2010, 05:22 PM

sleep on it, then sit down and write out all the for and against that this is causing.

Then tackle them one at a time
eg being able to give one on one to each child - T will get more of that with you than at nursery, other child will sleep/rest and is only part time. Now is a good time to step up her sharing you, getting her ready for pre-school (parent already feels this surely as registered at nursery) as she is nearly two it's best for her to start to learn to share you and not expect instant attention all the time etc.

Same with the walking issue, then state it all clearly in childs daily diary use EYFS terminology, paranoid parents are often impressed with this.

Dont let it get you down, you have been very accomodating and it's come back to bite you on the bum which makes it feel worse!!

madredann

07-07-2010, 05:50 PM

Think about your needs, what you need for your business to suceed and then point out the positives of having other children around there little one, there are plenty and learning to share a carer is a main one especially att that age. Hope it goes well

The Juggler

07-07-2010, 08:20 PM

how come they never had a problem with mindee walking all this time but now they have. I agree with everyone sounds like she wanted her lo to be the exclusive mindee!

AliceK

07-07-2010, 08:40 PM

What a cheek :panic: . She needs a nanny not a childminder. I tell my parents about any new mindees once I have got signed contracts and usually via my newsletter. I would never need permission to take on a new mindee and would politely tell any parent that thought otherwise. YOU do what YOU need to do to run YOUR business and if she doesn't like it then tough.
Sorry but I can't stand parents like that and I would not be as accomodating as you have been.

xxxxx

wendywu

07-07-2010, 09:53 PM

Ofsted allow us to have 3 little ones so they must consider that at this number all 3 children are able to get their needs met.

Have you considered a Buggy Board to solve the walking problem.

angeldelight

07-07-2010, 10:08 PM

Sounds like a total nightmare if you ask me

Parents I mean not the child

Seems to me whatever you do you are always going to feel on edge with these parents

I think like everyone else you have done more than enough

I had parents a little like this but you have made them sound like angels now :laughing:

I dont think I could put up with it

Angel xx

ourmadhouse

08-07-2010, 12:19 AM

id be tempted to let the parents go find a childminder with no school runs and no other children to care for and not willing to take any other children on!

marnieb

08-07-2010, 06:18 AM

Thank you so much to all that have taken the time to reply!! I cannot begin to tell you how much I appreciate it!!!!!

Reading it all through again, in the end it boils down to her bribing me to remain 'her' childminder. If this is what she brings up next week at our meeting, I will tell her that is unethical and goes against my morals. She can either take my assurances that t will not be excluded, she will still have more attantion that she will receive elsewhere, and if she is still unhappy with that then we can arrange for T's last day with me to be the 8th of october, the week before my new Mindee starts.

I know I've gone above and beyond the call for this family!!!

miffy

08-07-2010, 06:46 AM

if she is still unhappy with that then we can arrange for T's last day with me to be the 8th of october, the week before my new Mindee starts.

I know I've gone above and beyond the call for this family!!!

Good luck with the meeting - hope it doesn't come to this

Miffy xx

samanthat6987

08-07-2010, 07:14 AM

I would have to agree with everyone else's comments however one thing that I would say is that if little one continues with you (whether that is because they accept you will take on offers or because they pay all your spaces) that they can not continue to keep calling you about things that could wait till the next session or are not really important. My initial thought is could there be more going on at home than you realise? A relationship breakdown/ personal problems or some sort of depression. May seem a little extreme but my friend had a familiar experience where the parent started becoming dependant on her for reassurance due to a relationship breakdown. It was gradual and this caused the professional line to be crossed.

Be strong and fair but firm

Chatterbox Childcare

08-07-2010, 07:24 AM

I would take on the new one and keep advertising and if mum gives you notice then so be it

onceinabluemoon

08-07-2010, 08:36 AM

If you give in to this demand there will be another and another until she 'owns' you. You need to take charge of your business and make boundaries I think. You may lose this little one but you'll have the peace of mind of knowing your family time is going to be uninterrupted in future - only you can make the decisions though.

FWIW I have a work mobile and a personal mobile, the work phone gets turned off at weekends and ll parents know it. I was open and honest about it and told them it's because I need to be able to cut right away from work when I'm not actually minding so I can come back to it refreshed.

Ripeberry

08-07-2010, 08:45 AM

Jules12Wed

08-07-2010, 08:55 AM

Surely having another child around would probably benefit her. I have a little girl who is very quiet but when I have other children here she comes out of herself, talks more etc. I would have thought there were more positives than negatives for the little girl.

I also would say that maybe you can talk on one particular night when she collects. Or if she calls and her number shows up just ignore it!!

Trouble

08-07-2010, 09:03 AM