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View Full Version : Have a made a BIG mistake?Advice MUCH appreciated please xxx



tetti
21-04-2010, 08:07 PM
I recently filled a part time vacancy.The child is only 6 months old,and is due to start in June (settling-in period in May)
I first met up with his mum and dad,and they both seemed lovely people,and the child seemed very happy.It all felt right,so I decided to offer them the space.
Then the woman came on her own with the child to sign the contract,so far,so good.Then suddenly she turned really "neurotic" (I dk if that's the word).One of my other "day children",a wonderful 2 year old boy, was present,and he tried to give the 6 month old a cuddle."No! Don't! You can hurt him!",his mother screamed out (the little lad was very gentle with the 6 month old,certainly not forceful).Then when she shouted,her son,the 6 month old started to scream.She panicked and jumped out of her seat to walk around the room with him,almost in tears going "he hardly ever cried,I promise,he's not used to other people,to other kids,he's used to calm surroundings.I am sure he'll behave once he's with you".

Now,I may be over reacting here,but her behaviour made me quite concerned.
I tried to put myself in her shoes,being a first time mum,having to go back to work and leave your 6 month old with a complete stranger.But...I have never seen anyone behave quite that way.Maybe it's postnatal depression,maybe not,she seemed petrified as soon as the other child tried to make any contact with her baby.
It just rang alarm bells to me,and part of me feel that I should not take this child on (although the contract is signed,the settling-in period is yet to start,so I am sure that'd be ok?),or do you think I should just wait and see how it all pans out? I just dk:(

WibbleWobble
21-04-2010, 08:10 PM
try the settling in period...she might calm down...or then again:rolleyes:

but at least you have a get out of jail card!:thumbsup:


mandy x

mum2two
21-04-2010, 08:17 PM
You've got the settling in period, so just see how it goes. Hopefully she wont take half hour to leave baby on the first day...

xx

tetti
21-04-2010, 08:21 PM
I just have this bad gut feeling,but then again,gut feelings can sometimes be wrong:)

It is a tricky one.I get along really well with the parents of the children who I care for,they have become like an extended part of my family,and they have the utmost trust in me.
But this woman,the way she reacted to the other child trying to cuddle her child,she panicked (which to me is over reacting just a bit!)
The child has never been looked after by anyone but her and her partner,nor has he been around other children.Oh,and he tends to cry all day,and you have to walk around with him in the carried for him to settle,and he's not allowed to fall asleep in his buggy if when we go out (and she tells me all this AFTER we signed the contract)

theplayroom
21-04-2010, 08:23 PM
is it her first child, do they have any support around?? maybe shes just a bit over protective adn nervous??

just be firm with her, reasure her that he will be perfectly safe with you and encourage her to leave promptly on the first day! - good luck keep us posted!:clapping:

WibbleWobble
21-04-2010, 08:25 PM
keep us posted!:)

nannymcflea
21-04-2010, 08:27 PM
Could be PND, could just be an over anxious mum. Keep calm and reassuring and I'm sure she'll come round and relax too...if not.;)

tetti
21-04-2010, 08:36 PM
I was thinking it could be PND too ( I suffered that myself and yes,thinking about it, I wouldn't let anyone near my child apart from her father and my mum!If anyone else tried to hold her,I'd have a meltdown!lol)
It is her first child,and she must be in her late 30's-early 40's,so I guess that wouls also make her more "jittery".
I do understand where she's coming from,and she wouldn't be human if she didn't worry about her child,and I agree I have to keep reassuring her.
Fingers crossed she will calm down once she realises that he is in safe hands:)

The Juggler
21-04-2010, 08:41 PM
I think her child in good quality daycare might be just what she needs. to show her she can trust someone else with her child, this might in turn chill her out a bit and if she does need some help, sure you're the person who can persuade her.:thumbsup:

Pipsqueak
21-04-2010, 08:42 PM
I think you are going to need to be quite sensitive but firm at the same time.
Gently guide and show this mum that the little one is enjoying contact with others, stress how good all the other children are with him, show her photos of him interacting with others etc.

What I would be concerned about is her comment "he hardly ever cried,I promise,he's not used to other people,to other kids,he's used to calm surroundings.I am sure he'll behave once he's with you".

I would have pointed out that is reacting in a perfectly normal manner to the environment and its not normal to have a baby that doesn't cry. As to the end bit - 'he'll behave once he's with you' - yes that concerns me a little too. Sounds like she is a bit confused as to what is normal behaviour, his reactions to mummy's overreactions and what her idea of a good child is.

Little baby steps all the way and build up the relationship.

But go with your gut if its screaming at you

sarah707
21-04-2010, 08:46 PM
I sent a little one home today with a bright red nose after he fell and scraped it on the tree trunks.

He was climbing, I was right behind him when he fell and I was not quick enough to catch him in time.

Mum laughed and called him Rudolph and signed my accident paperwork without question.

What I am saying is that you need to ask yourself how this parent might react to something like that... a simple accident.

And consider whether you would feel comfortable explaining an accident like that to her...

You have to feel happy with the parents and know they trust you.

Hth :D

tetti
21-04-2010, 08:57 PM
Sarah and pipsqueak,very sound advice,thank you :)

That's what's worrying me,how she will react if he has a trip or fall,will she react like the other parents? (ie;realise that kids do like to play and can get bumps and scratches),or will she be on the phone to Ofsted lodging a complaint?
Her partner seems fine,but she comes across to me as someone who easily over react (as she did the other day)
God,part of me just feel like contacting them and give them some excuse why I can no longer look after their child,but that may be an over reaction from my side!lol
I had a chat with one of the other parents who told me to listen to my gutfeeling (she ignored her gutfeeling about someone once,hired them,and it turned out to be a total disaster!)
Oh,I am feeling sooo confused at the mo:panic:

sarak31
21-04-2010, 09:08 PM
I agree with Sarah - you have to feel comfortable with the parents as well. I've learnt that my gut feeling is rarely wrong when it comes to parents, I think you should trust your own reaction to the situation and if you think that it might be a relationship that will become quickly difficult then is it right to let the child settle with you and then it doesn't work out. I'm sure your gut feeling is the right one if you follow it. On the other hand you might be just what she needs to help her out if she does have some problems that need support at the moment - it's a tough one!!! :rolleyes:

tetti
21-04-2010, 09:29 PM
It really is.I dk what to say if I do decide to not care for him,how to word it so that she doesn't freak out completely.
I dk if I can tell a little white lie (well,I can't tell her the truth,that I think she may become difficult!lol)
I am studying for a degree as well as doing my childminding,perhaps I can say that I've been offered a pt work placement relating to my degree that I can't turn down,and therefore I am unable to care for her child? Any ideas would be welcome,have never been in this situation before (thank the lord!)

teacake2
21-04-2010, 10:00 PM
Sounds just like a family I was going to take on, first child, older Mum and Dad, started off at first meeting not too bad, I knew that they would need to be brought round to my ways a bit as we all do, but she was paranoid when another one I look after went near her baby. Then they started asking me to do more things that I was prepared to do for his care, the hours were getting later and later, changing days etc. I just had to go with my gut instinct and not take them on, I just felt that I would start and resent things and that would not be right for me, the family and especially the baby, so I terminated before he had started. The relief was immense, and I knew that the decision was the right one for me. We all have to make some decisions that have given us grief, but I think we all make the right ones in the end because we know what will/won't work for us.
Sorry about the long post
Teacake2

Desi-101
21-04-2010, 10:51 PM
I had a mum round with her 6 month old and she didn't like it when my ds went near her baby! she refused to put her down clung to her for dear life. She kept commenting on my son, he was amused by a new baby and kept trying to hand the baby toys and they were for her agegroup as we had dusted them off and washed them for her benefit! he helped me do this for her before the visit!

He was an angel a real little man and helpful! mum said I don't want my baby on the carpet so I offered a blanket to put under her but mum just clung to her not putting her down and never said hardly anything during the whole visit, she telephoned and said she is not using me but will bear me in mind for the future so I am not sure if she eventually went back to work or not. She marched out an hour later after making coffee and sandwitches, I did all the talking as her silence un-nerved me ha ha!! she just sat and seemed frozen bless her and kept kissing her baby on the head!! who knows, I was never that bad as a first time mum and don't accept excuses when ppl say ahhh bless shes a first timer!!!

singingcactus
22-04-2010, 06:25 AM
She sounds how I was when my youngest was little (oddly enough I was less neurotic with my first - twins). I would freak out at the least bit thing over my youngest, and there was nothing I could have done to stop myself. And yes, I had PND too. Maybe the fact that you have picked up on this so quickly with this mum means that you are her perfect carer, because you will be able to understand that she will need SO much feedback from you, daily diary, pictures, maybe a couple of texts during the day..and the great thing is, I bet she will be great at filling in the daily diary about how he was at home over the weekend.

For her it must be like her heart is being ripped out, at the thought of leaving her little precious alone with a stranger, and she will be reacting to that. If she has PND she will be less able to hide her emotions from you.

I think you said the reactions began after she had signed the contract, I would guess that guilt and panic have set in. You've been a minder for 5 years now so I am sure you will be able to cope with helping this mum find her confidence in you - it is part of our job to work hard at building trust with parents as well as children. Give it a go, you can always give notice if you feel overwhelmed.

Mookins
22-04-2010, 07:36 AM
My goodness its like reading about me when I first had dd, shes my only one and was like a cat on a hot tin roof anytime anyone was near her, couldnt handle it, no one could hold her properly, cuddle her properly and the thought of leaving her with someone was like being stabbed....giver her some time...the lo could probably do with a break from her as much as her from lo

x x

The Juggler
22-04-2010, 08:40 AM
It really is.I dk what to say if I do decide to not care for him,how to word it so that she doesn't freak out completely.
I dk if I can tell a little white lie (well,I can't tell her the truth,that I think she may become difficult!lol)
I am studying for a degree as well as doing my childminding,perhaps I can say that I've been offered a pt work placement relating to my degree that I can't turn down,and therefore I am unable to care for her child? Any ideas would be welcome,have never been in this situation before (thank the lord!)

I think a little white lie might be in order hon. I think you could do wonders in helping this mum become less anxious but also I fully see what Sarah and you are saying about possible complaints. I think you sound like you really don't want to do it so a little white lie is in order;) the uni placement sounds like a fair enough reason to me.

tetti
22-04-2010, 08:44 AM
I decided to terminate the contract.
As much as I sympathise with the mother,and as much as I (totally) understand how very worried she must be,I have to think of my other mindees.
I did not like the way she spoke to them,or my own child for that matter,nor did I like the way she spoke to me (or spoke down to me rather)

I cannot take on other people's problems,I am not a psychologist (although I am studying to become one!lol)
I have great relationships with the other families,and yes,they do come to me when they have any problems,but the way this lady reacted to one of my mindees trying to gently giver her boy a cuddle (all he did was reaching out with his arms and smile,he didn't even touch him!),and then some of the questions she asked me just made the alarm bells go off in my head .One question was "What time do you go to the toilet?I'd rather you not go when his feed is due " (come again?!? )

I did really take to the child,he was adorable,but,I just could not see myself dealing with his mother on a longterm,never mind a short term basis.
I only hope now that she doesn't go raving mad once I speak to her,and reports me to Ofsted for not taking on her child (yes,unbeliavable but true,that actually happened to a local childminder !)

The Juggler
22-04-2010, 09:42 AM
I'm sure it'll be fine. Normally I'd recommend softening the blow by offering her the names of fellow childminders but in this instance probably not the thing to do.:(