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View Full Version : How To Wean Baby Off Being Held/Carried?



helenlc
30-03-2010, 12:53 PM
Ok, so I posted last week about my new starter aged 10 mths having seperation anxiety. I have now changed my diagnosis (:laughing: ) and worked out that actually its that he likes to be held and carried!!

If I am sitting with him on my lap then put him on the floor, standing up holding onto my leg - he still cries and screams (deafening, piercing scream - already got another headache today!).

He went up to bed and slept for 30 mins. He woke up crying, so fetched him down and gave him a cuddle while he woke up. Well, after a few minutes he started dozing off again. So put him back into cot and now he is crying. He is so tired and I know if I bring him down and hold him again, he will go straight back to sleep.

But I cannot cuddle him off to sleep or hold him while he sleeps. I have 2 other mindees on different days - only 1 today and she is in bed (heavy sleeper!!:D ).

I am bidding on Ebay for one of those activity station things so I can stand him in that near the kitchen door when I do lunch and dinner, wash up etc. At the moment, he just follows me in (gate going back on at weekend!) or crawls around crying and screaming. I just thought with the activity thing he can see me and I know he is safe.

I sometimes sit him next to me on the sofa - so I am not holding him but he is right next to me. But if the phone or doorbell go, he gets all upset as he knows I am going to have to get up!!

When my other LOs are collected, I go to the door and he follows screaming. Then I help the others get their coats and shoes on and he is crying constantly - even if he is sitting right next to where I am doing their shoes and coats. Its a bit embarrassing - although I have said to the parents he is new and going through a clingy stage. But i dont want them thinking their children are being left with this loud screamer all day!:blush:

I have to say he is not always like it - he will go and play happily at times, explore confidently etc. He seems at his happiest when my older children are around - but again I cant rely on this when they go back to school after Easter.

I know that he is still getting used to me. We also have the 4 day break coming up, so know that is going to throw hm off a bit.

I do the talking to him all the time, telling him where I am going and what I am doing etc.

But what else can I do to wean him off being held/carried? PLEASE!!!!

aly
30-03-2010, 01:01 PM
http://i46.photobucket.com/albums/f137/7131/ducttapebaby.jpg

:laughing:

suzyblue
30-03-2010, 01:01 PM
I would persevere with what you are doing. He will realise its safe and your not leaving him. Its just going to take a bit of time, soon he will be a lovely contented little boy and you will have forgotten all about this stage.

suzyblue
30-03-2010, 01:02 PM
http://i46.photobucket.com/albums/f137/7131/ducttapebaby.jpg

:laughing:

I LOVE THIS PICK!!!!! (I think its was taken at my house!):laughing:

helenlc
30-03-2010, 01:03 PM
http://i46.photobucket.com/albums/f137/7131/ducttapebaby.jpg

:laughing:

This is my next step!!!!

But I was thinking of using the fence at the end of the garden!!!!:laughing:

aly
30-03-2010, 01:03 PM
lol sorry saw that and couldnt resist.

I went through this with Poppy and still sometimes she will follow me even into the toilet..

I would try lots of distraction, and perserve with it....sorry not much help really am i...maybe some toys in the hall bit so that you can be in the kitchen on the other side of the gate so he doesnt come in but can still see you?

venus89
30-03-2010, 01:04 PM
I had a LO who came to me at 5 months and was used to being constantly held, rocked to sleep etc. He started with myself and another childminder at the same time - neither of us could do all the days - and we got together at the end of week one and bouth found the same thing - nausea from pains in the arm due to holding the child constantly! This child was obviously not mobile at that stage and, like you, I had other mindees to consider.

It sounds like you're doing the right thing - not always picking him up but always being near to show him that he doesn't have physical contact with you. I also did leave him to cry (not leave him as in leave the room, I was still there) and made sure he had loads of attention when he didn't cry.

When I was cooking dinner for my kids ( he didn't go until after 6) then I'd bring his high chair in the kitchen and sit and chat with him, letting him have some bits to nibble. My husband used to cook with him in this way too sometimes, just to give me a break.

With sleeping I would rock him to sleep in the pushchair - he was still getting the rocking, but not the cuddles that went with it so it was a compromise. He now (at nearly 2) sleeps perfectly happily in the cot, although I have to be with him in the room until he falls asleep.

Stick with it and it will get better soon x

Spangles
30-03-2010, 01:04 PM
This probably isn't helpful but I will type it incase it is!

My baby has been very clingy too. I have accidentally found ways that have helped her but may not help your mindee especially as he's a few months older.

To get her to nap on her own I had to persevere, I have a yellow toy flower on the banister which she loves so every time she's going for a nap I say to her that it's time for a nap and to say night, night to her yellow flower. We then go to it, she tries to eat it! Ha! Then we go up. What I'm trying to say is I introduced a tiny routine so she knows what's coming. We then do set things and I say set things upstairs before I leave her.

Also, when she started screaming I would just pop in, not touch her or make eye contact and tell her she's safe, I'm still here then say the night, night, sweet dreams bit and go again. She would scream again but after just a couple of days she stopped as I guess she knew that I was still around.

To get her to play on her own I always say set things when I'm going out of the room so she's got used to the fact that I do come back after a short while. I tried to go back practically straight away to begin with while she still felt safe (before screaming) and then I went for slightly longer and longer. I also peep round the door and do 'be-bo' too.

This has all really made a huge difference for me but as I say, probably no use to you! Sorry!

The Juggler
30-03-2010, 01:11 PM
http://i46.photobucket.com/albums/f137/7131/ducttapebaby.jpg

:laughing:

:ROFL1: :ROFL1: do you think it is allowed!?

Ripeberry
30-03-2010, 01:17 PM
Suppose it would be allowed if it was fully risk assessed :laughing: Use only the best quality tape mind you :D

helenlc
30-03-2010, 01:23 PM
:ROFL1: :ROFL1: do you think it is allowed!?

Cant see it being allowed. But if anyone finds out differently, let me know!!:laughing:

I got him up again, he stopped screaming the minute I picked him up. In hindsight though, I maybe should have left him in the cot as he wasnt standing up or sitting up, he was lying down. So I think I will do the popping in to see him and then come up ie not always get up if I think he might still be tired.

Sods law, my other mindee had woken up, so I went to get her, which of course meant he screamed. Then his Mum phoned while he was still crying!! Explained that he was very tired but wouldnt go back to sleep and was just wanting to be picked up a lot today. I said he was fine otherwise and had eaten lunch and drank etc.

But I dont think she felt very reassured and now I feel bad. :( But I had to go and get my other mindee and so had to leave him. I couldnt carry him up the stairs and get the other LO out of the travel cot and both of them back down the stairs safely.

And I have to go to the toilet, and I have to open the door if someone knocks. I cant carry him around all day as I have 2 others - plus my own children when they come home from school. Plus lunch and dinners to do etc.

He is now sitting happily next to me on the sofa - his crying and screaming, as loud as they are, stop pretty quick once he has what he wants ie a carry or sit on a lap!:angry:

Am going to pop him back onto the floor in a minute but I wont be moving - so he can see me and knows where I am.

Just need to put my ear plugs in first........................

haribo
30-03-2010, 01:55 PM
hi helen i have a 9 month old just the same ! . i was honest with the parents and said she cried constantly unless i held her , and they admitted its what she gets at home -carried around and entertained constantly :rolleyes: as she only comes here 2 days also its difficult to get her in my routine . anyway the parent had 2 of those activity centres so brought one yesterday and it made a huge difference :clapping: its like a walker but stationary -or should be but she could slide it along the laminate :eek: obviously she cant go in it all day but for times i had to do other stuff if i popped her in she never cried once unlike if i put her in the highchair or on the floor :thumbsup: good luck id nearly reached the end of my tether x

Heaven Scent
30-03-2010, 02:16 PM
This won't be of any use to you what so ever but it may be consolation that you are not alone.

I have one who came to me at 6mths and I mentioned mum before she is not the most relaxed person in the world - she is the one who ran into my kitchen and went rooting for something one night while I was loading other children into my car.:panic: She (mum) also told me that she isn't one for giving cuddles but she does pick her up.

Anyway, the child is very very highly strung all she does for most of her waking hours is cry cry cry CRY & CRY BL***Y CRY again. I say most of her waking hours because if we go out and she has other things going on she is generally fine - even when she has a soiled nappy. But when at home (my home or any other home I may take her to) the machine gun noises start. All she wants is to be picked up - she is now 1 and is a bum shuffler not been doing it that long I thought once she could move about she'd be fine - but no I was wrong she just cries as she shuffles in my direction and then grabs hold of my trouser legs or my legs if I'm wearing a skirt and pulls at them while making this horrible horrible noise. I have bought her both a walker with activities on and a Leapfrog activity thingy but these both only work for a limited period of time. When she was smaller I used to put her in one of those baby swings and in a door bouncer.

She even cries throughout her meal - well actually she stops when I first start feeding her but then half way through when she isn't so hungry she starts spitting out her food and blowing raspberries - and it isn't cause she is full - she is just too lazy to be bothered with it and prefers her pudding, so now she spits it out & I/mum/the 2 nana's who care for her on Mon & Fri all put it back in again and she chews and/or swallows it and so it goes on - she is the same with finger food she will eat it for so long then get fed up but will then continue to eat it if you feed it to her again until she gets lazy about the chewing action :panic: At the same time as doing this she makes that horrible crying noise and if you say "NO" or "Stop" to her no matter how nice your tone she screams until she almost makes herself sick. She does what every baby does and throws her cup on the floor but then screams till you get it and give it back but when you bend down to get it she pulls food out of her mouth and flings it all over the place. She does love her pudding though and wolfes it down - except when mum used to provide me with hard lumpy stewed apple and custard.

As soon as she does a poo at home she screams until you change her - doesn't when she is out.

The only time she is quiet is when I put her in a big old fashioned silver cross pram for her sleep and she sleeps there for hours but it has to be outside whatever the weather.

I don't understand why she behaves differently when we are out and about because there are always loads of people here and there is always something going on and she gets loads of attention from my 2 and the older mindees - well at least she did but not now they are even getting sick of it :panic:

I've had children go through separation anxiety or clingy phases when they reach certain ages but this takes the biscuit. I've tried everything. She is even like this at other peoples/minders houses. She only behaves like other children when we are in large group situations and as I go to the same places with the same local minders on the same 3 days per week that she comes she mixes with the same children all the time. she doesn't acknowledge the other children either she does look up at all adults who are near her in the hope they will acknowledge her presence and when we are at Jojuingles and Rhyme time she shuffles herself so she is right in front of the person leading the session.

Even when out she rarely smiles at people and she wont let you guide her to help her do actions to songs such as clapping hands or putting hands on head etc. she just tenses up and pulls away from you - she really is a funny little thing - its not just with me other minders find the same with her.

I feel terrible but I just can't seem to bond with her - on the odd occasion I can get her to smile and when she does its lovely but really - I sort of mechanically care for her and it doesn't feel right - I hate constantly trying to dump her in the activity thingy and sneak off to make snack and hope she will be distracted enough by the other children to no realise I've gone - I've tried everything but nothing works - I just cannot carry her all day long -when I do take time out to sit with her on my knee she just sits there upright and rigid - she never snuggles in or anything - I've never had this with a child before its really strange. - She and my F.T. LO are both fast asleep now so I've had time to write this.

Mum keeps contradicting herself one minute she doesn't know how I cope with her all day and the next she says "oh she doesn't do that at home - I wouldn't let her ...." BULL.

Grandad came one day to collect her and he said "I'd like to thank you for all you do with K..... - you do a great job - we all really appreciate it - we just don't know how you cope with her - you must have great patience" - now why do you think he said that eh??? This was mum's dad who is divorced from mums mum and his second wife who never had children cares for her on a Monday - Mums mum cares for K.... on a Friday and I do Tues, Wed & Thurs. Mum & Dad (Mostly mum) do evenings & weekends - she is collected at 5.45 and is in bed by 7.00 just after dad gets in from work. - this could have something to do with it. She wasn't a planned baby either - neither mum nor dad wanted children and she will be an only child - so mum says and she seem to rule that roost.

I wish you all the best and hope you turn a corner in a way I haven't yet - my next hope for respite is that she will stop once she can walk - then I'll probably be hoping for when she can talk and can express herself.

Listen you have had some very sound advice from others and I have used a few of the techniques mentioned with other chilren and they worked so keep the faith and don't despair there will be light at the end of the tunnel.

haribo
30-03-2010, 02:56 PM
blimey heavenscent i feel ive got an easy time of it now :eek: i know what you mean about contradictions ,on my first day with my lo i met her uncle (whose son i used to mind) and he said how did it go with j today i replied quite non commitally oh ok she a lovely little girl lol he replied really all ive seen is her screaming !!!! haha so i dont take parents comments about how placid /good /happy /content too seriously anymore lol i wait and find out for myself :laughing: ..

helenlc
30-03-2010, 02:58 PM
hi helen i have a 9 month old just the same ! . i was honest with the parents and said she cried constantly unless i held her , and they admitted its what she gets at home -carried around and entertained constantly :rolleyes: as she only comes here 2 days also its difficult to get her in my routine . anyway the parent had 2 of those activity centres so brought one yesterday and it made a huge difference :clapping: its like a walker but stationary -or should be but she could slide it along the laminate :eek: obviously she cant go in it all day but for times i had to do other stuff if i popped her in she never cried once unlike if i put her in the highchair or on the floor :thumbsup: good luck id nearly reached the end of my tether x

Thanks. I am biddiing on one of those activity centres on Ebay. I dont really want to pay full price for one, but after the day I am having today, I am willing to spend £500 on one right now!!!!:(

Its such a contrast as my other mindees are so happy and cheerful. I know its his age. But the other 2 are being a bit put off by his noise. Its literally as soon as we come through the front door and I take his coat off and put him on the floor to help the others.

I do have him every day so am a bit more hopeful than if I only had him 2-3 days a week. Obviously I am not going to expect immediate results as its easter weekend, then I am off Weds next week and my kids are now off school for 2 weeks, so things are not going to be "normal" til they are back at school.

Hopefully I manage to get hold of one of those centres. I have seen one for about £50 which I dont mind actually as I could use it for him to sit out in the garden too when the others go out and about there. Will see if my Ebay ones comes off first.

Roll on 5.30!!!

angiemog
30-03-2010, 07:36 PM
Oh my goodness I could have written all this word for word. Crys all the time except when in her cot. Mine has a happy ending it was her last day today. :clapping: :clapping: Her mum wasn't happy at work so has decided to stay at home to look after her. I had her for 4 months. Good luck I hope it gets easier for you. x
This won't be of any use to you what so ever but it may be consolation that you are not alone.

I have one who came to me at 6mths and I mentioned mum before she is not the most relaxed person in the world - she is the one who ran into my kitchen and went rooting for something one night while I was loading other children into my car.:panic: She (mum) also told me that she isn't one for giving cuddles but she does pick her up.

Anyway, the child is very very highly strung all she does for most of her waking hours is cry cry cry CRY & CRY BL***Y CRY again. I say most of her waking hours because if we go out and she has other things going on she is generally fine - even when she has a soiled nappy. But when at home (my home or any other home I may take her to) the machine gun noises start. All she wants is to be picked up - she is now 1 and is a bum shuffler not been doing it that long I thought once she could move about she'd be fine - but no I was wrong she just cries as she shuffles in my direction and then grabs hold of my trouser legs or my legs if I'm wearing a skirt and pulls at them while making this horrible horrible noise. I have bought her both a walker with activities on and a Leapfrog activity thingy but these both only work for a limited period of time. When she was smaller I used to put her in one of those baby swings and in a door bouncer.

She even cries throughout her meal - well actually she stops when I first start feeding her but then half way through when she isn't so hungry she starts spitting out her food and blowing raspberries - and it isn't cause she is full - she is just too lazy to be bothered with it and prefers her pudding, so now she spits it out & I/mum/the 2 nana's who care for her on Mon & Fri all put it back in again and she chews and/or swallows it and so it goes on - she is the same with finger food she will eat it for so long then get fed up but will then continue to eat it if you feed it to her again until she gets lazy about the chewing action :panic: At the same time as doing this she makes that horrible crying noise and if you say "NO" or "Stop" to her no matter how nice your tone she screams until she almost makes herself sick. She does what every baby does and throws her cup on the floor but then screams till you get it and give it back but when you bend down to get it she pulls food out of her mouth and flings it all over the place. She does love her pudding though and wolfes it down - except when mum used to provide me with hard lumpy stewed apple and custard.

As soon as she does a poo at home she screams until you change her - doesn't when she is out.

The only time she is quiet is when I put her in a big old fashioned silver cross pram for her sleep and she sleeps there for hours but it has to be outside whatever the weather.

I don't understand why she behaves differently when we are out and about because there are always loads of people here and there is always something going on and she gets loads of attention from my 2 and the older mindees - well at least she did but not now they are even getting sick of it :panic:

I've had children go through separation anxiety or clingy phases when they reach certain ages but this takes the biscuit. I've tried everything. She is even like this at other peoples/minders houses. She only behaves like other children when we are in large group situations and as I go to the same places with the same local minders on the same 3 days per week that she comes she mixes with the same children all the time. she doesn't acknowledge the other children either she does look up at all adults who are near her in the hope they will acknowledge her presence and when we are at Jojuingles and Rhyme time she shuffles herself so she is right in front of the person leading the session.

Even when out she rarely smiles at people and she wont let you guide her to help her do actions to songs such as clapping hands or putting hands on head etc. she just tenses up and pulls away from you - she really is a funny little thing - its not just with me other minders find the same with her.

I feel terrible but I just can't seem to bond with her - on the odd occasion I can get her to smile and when she does its lovely but really - I sort of mechanically care for her and it doesn't feel right - I hate constantly trying to dump her in the activity thingy and sneak off to make snack and hope she will be distracted enough by the other children to no realise I've gone - I've tried everything but nothing works - I just cannot carry her all day long -when I do take time out to sit with her on my knee she just sits there upright and rigid - she never snuggles in or anything - I've never had this with a child before its really strange. - She and my F.T. LO are both fast asleep now so I've had time to write this.

Mum keeps contradicting herself one minute she doesn't know how I cope with her all day and the next she says "oh she doesn't do that at home - I wouldn't let her ...." BULL.

Grandad came one day to collect her and he said "I'd like to thank you for all you do with K..... - you do a great job - we all really appreciate it - we just don't know how you cope with her - you must have great patience" - now why do you think he said that eh??? This was mum's dad who is divorced from mums mum and his second wife who never had children cares for her on a Monday - Mums mum cares for K.... on a Friday and I do Tues, Wed & Thurs. Mum & Dad (Mostly mum) do evenings & weekends - she is collected at 5.45 and is in bed by 7.00 just after dad gets in from work. - this could have something to do with it. She wasn't a planned baby either - neither mum nor dad wanted children and she will be an only child - so mum says and she seem to rule that roost.

I wish you all the best and hope you turn a corner in a way I haven't yet - my next hope for respite is that she will stop once she can walk - then I'll probably be hoping for when she can talk and can express herself.

Listen you have had some very sound advice from others and I have used a few of the techniques mentioned with other chilren and they worked so keep the faith and don't despair there will be light at the end of the tunnel.

The Juggler
30-03-2010, 08:25 PM
This won't be of any use to you what so ever but it may be consolation that you are not alone.

I have one who came to me at 6mths and I mentioned mum before she is not the most relaxed person in the world - she is the one who ran into my kitchen and went rooting for something one night while I was loading other children into my car.:panic: She (mum) also told me that she isn't one for giving cuddles but she does pick her up.

Anyway, the child is very very highly strung all she does for most of her waking hours is cry cry cry CRY & CRY BL***Y CRY again. I say most of her waking hours because if we go out and she has other things going on she is generally fine - even when she has a soiled nappy. But when at home (my home or any other home I may take her to) the machine gun noises start. All she wants is to be picked up - she is now 1 and is a bum shuffler not been doing it that long I thought once she could move about she'd be fine - but no I was wrong she just cries as she shuffles in my direction and then grabs hold of my trouser legs or my legs if I'm wearing a skirt and pulls at them while making this horrible horrible noise. I have bought her both a walker with activities on and a Leapfrog activity thingy but these both only work for a limited period of time. When she was smaller I used to put her in one of those baby swings and in a door bouncer.

She even cries throughout her meal - well actually she stops when I first start feeding her but then half way through when she isn't so hungry she starts spitting out her food and blowing raspberries - and it isn't cause she is full - she is just too lazy to be bothered with it and prefers her pudding, so now she spits it out & I/mum/the 2 nana's who care for her on Mon & Fri all put it back in again and she chews and/or swallows it and so it goes on - she is the same with finger food she will eat it for so long then get fed up but will then continue to eat it if you feed it to her again until she gets lazy about the chewing action :panic: At the same time as doing this she makes that horrible crying noise and if you say "NO" or "Stop" to her no matter how nice your tone she screams until she almost makes herself sick. She does what every baby does and throws her cup on the floor but then screams till you get it and give it back but when you bend down to get it she pulls food out of her mouth and flings it all over the place. She does love her pudding though and wolfes it down - except when mum used to provide me with hard lumpy stewed apple and custard.

As soon as she does a poo at home she screams until you change her - doesn't when she is out.

The only time she is quiet is when I put her in a big old fashioned silver cross pram for her sleep and she sleeps there for hours but it has to be outside whatever the weather.

I don't understand why she behaves differently when we are out and about because there are always loads of people here and there is always something going on and she gets loads of attention from my 2 and the older mindees - well at least she did but not now they are even getting sick of it :panic:

I've had children go through separation anxiety or clingy phases when they reach certain ages but this takes the biscuit. I've tried everything. She is even like this at other peoples/minders houses. She only behaves like other children when we are in large group situations and as I go to the same places with the same local minders on the same 3 days per week that she comes she mixes with the same children all the time. she doesn't acknowledge the other children either she does look up at all adults who are near her in the hope they will acknowledge her presence and when we are at Jojuingles and Rhyme time she shuffles herself so she is right in front of the person leading the session.

Even when out she rarely smiles at people and she wont let you guide her to help her do actions to songs such as clapping hands or putting hands on head etc. she just tenses up and pulls away from you - she really is a funny little thing - its not just with me other minders find the same with her.

I feel terrible but I just can't seem to bond with her - on the odd occasion I can get her to smile and when she does its lovely but really - I sort of mechanically care for her and it doesn't feel right - I hate constantly trying to dump her in the activity thingy and sneak off to make snack and hope she will be distracted enough by the other children to no realise I've gone - I've tried everything but nothing works - I just cannot carry her all day long -when I do take time out to sit with her on my knee she just sits there upright and rigid - she never snuggles in or anything - I've never had this with a child before its really strange. - She and my F.T. LO are both fast asleep now so I've had time to write this.

Mum keeps contradicting herself one minute she doesn't know how I cope with her all day and the next she says "oh she doesn't do that at home - I wouldn't let her ...." BULL.

Grandad came one day to collect her and he said "I'd like to thank you for all you do with K..... - you do a great job - we all really appreciate it - we just don't know how you cope with her - you must have great patience" - now why do you think he said that eh??? This was mum's dad who is divorced from mums mum and his second wife who never had children cares for her on a Monday - Mums mum cares for K.... on a Friday and I do Tues, Wed & Thurs. Mum & Dad (Mostly mum) do evenings & weekends - she is collected at 5.45 and is in bed by 7.00 just after dad gets in from work. - this could have something to do with it. She wasn't a planned baby either - neither mum nor dad wanted children and she will be an only child - so mum says and she seem to rule that roost.

I wish you all the best and hope you turn a corner in a way I haven't yet - my next hope for respite is that she will stop once she can walk - then I'll probably be hoping for when she can talk and can express herself.

Listen you have had some very sound advice from others and I have used a few of the techniques mentioned with other chilren and they worked so keep the faith and don't despair there will be light at the end of the tunnel.


oh hon, sending hugs to you and Helenicx

helenlc
31-03-2010, 01:15 PM
Well, I won the Leapfrog activity station on ebay for £23!! Result!!

Going to pick it up tonight and hope to God it works and keeps LO happy tomorrow.

Dont have him today as his mum and dad are both not well now. O dear.

At least its peaceful here - isnt that awful of me??:blush: