View Full Version : Help with 4 yr olds behaviour PLEASE

19-02-2010, 10:00 AM
I look after a 4 year old child from 07.30-09.00 Mon-Friday. He lives with mum one week and dad one week and so on. Both parents work full time.

Well when the child is with dad hes a lovely, well mannered boy but when is is with mum he is a completely different child.

Yesterday was a nightmare! He walked in where the two other children were playing a game and picked up all the pieces and turned his back on them and started playing byhimself. I explained to him that they were playing the game and that its not nice to take toys other people. I explained the house rules about sharing, his response was to go and sit behind my arm chair and start kicking it with all his might.:angry:

So i took him to the time out step explained why he was there then when i went to get him he said sorry then i said about sharing but he shouted at me that he didnt like sharing and wasnt going to!

Anyway he contiuned to shout at me and at the two other children but in their faces, they werent allowed to talk because he didnt want them too, when i went to put him in the car he shouted at one of the other children because there was a cardigen in his chair and he said she had put it there (she hadnt) then when we were driving him to nursery he shouted at the same child to tell her to stop singing his song and that shes not allowed to sing his song!!

Today he was the same only he pinched the other child and when i asked him why he said it was because the child was in his way and he had said sorry so it was fine :eek: I asked him to put his coat on and he had a trantrum shouting i cant do this its to hard, the same child he pinched offered to help him and he went to the child and shouted noooo in their face.

Then when i dropped him of to nursery a boy in his class said that his dad had a brother and my mindee went mad shouting at this boy.

No matter what i say to him or how many times he says sorry within 2 minutes hes doing it again. Whats getting to me is when hes with dad hes well behaved so i know he knows how to behave.

Im lucky to get a hello from mum in the mornings and dad isnt much better!! I know if i approach them dad will say "oh i dont have this behaviour at home so just tell him to stop" :angry: and mums not interesed!

The nursery approached me to say that mum didnt want me talking to them about the child (although shes never said this to me) but his behaviour was so bad just before xmas they agreed that we needed to beable to communicate.

His behaviour had really improved up until 3 weeks ago and I really am at the end of my tether and dont know what else to do, as all the good work i do with his behaviour and sharing goes out of the window as soon as hes with mum.

The nursery just say oh take the toy of him or put him on the step but that just isnt working. He really is so aggressive in the way he speaks to other people.

My husband has seen his behviour and just says give notice but i dont feel it will help the child if i do this.

Sorry for the long thread PLEASE does any one have any advice about what to do. Oh i forgot to mention that he is a very intellengent boy, the nursery also said this to dad however they then told him that they are running out of things to do with him :eek: as he is so more advanced then the other children in the class

Tina O
19-02-2010, 10:16 AM
poor poor kid.... what are the parents doing to this little boy, My heart goes out to him. It sounds like he doesn't know whether he is coming or going....

I can not advise you what to do as it is a very diffcult situation but I would find it very diffcult to give them notice, this boy need 'something' but not sure what, I couldn't turn away from that.......(this is no way a judge on anyone who would need to give notice, not everyone is in the situation to deal with extreme behaviour ref own kids and other mindees) perhaps a hyperthetical chat to a social worker or similar person ref the situation, watching confidence of course, to see if there is anything that can be 'done' the pre-school need to be more involved. Have you had any CAF (common awareness training) this may be away to go - ask the social worker for CAF if not done it.....

BUT ......you need to talk to the parents.... it can not go on...its not fair on the little man.. xx Good luck xx

19-02-2010, 10:17 AM

ok without going into too much detail I have pretty musch the same.

I would write a letter to the Mother asking her to read and sign a slip at the bottom then return it. State that you have noticed changes in his behaviour, state what he is doing such as shouting, being aggressive towards others, refer to your behaviour policy and quote from it. ask if there have been any changes at home, maybe there is a new adult on the scene and the child is resenting the time the new adult is taking which has reduced his Mommy time.

the chances are this letter will not be returned but document it, keep a copy dated and if she doesnt return it ask her, then make a note of when you asked her and date that you still have not recieved any feedback.

are both parents on the contract? if so then if you have no joy with mom then contact Dad in writing, dont add that this is only when Mom has him in your first letter as is will look like you are pointing fingers. ask him if he has any ideas on how to handle the situation, maybe make an individual behaviour target thingy (super nanny idea she used clouds and the plane moves up and down the clouds). when his behaviour isnt too great move him down ... I know its pointing out his not so good behaviour but hopefully once he realises what is happening he will keep moving up. Offer him a certificate when he reaches the top.

Other than all above as the nursery are in a situation of trying not to share information as moms request you could contact your local childrens centre to ask for advice, no need to name the child but they are there to talk too and assist when they can.

19-02-2010, 11:41 AM
Hi - what a sad situation - sounds like little boy is really struggling with the separation of his parents. I've had this situation - a break up and a child being aggressive in my setting whilst struggling with it. I would:

Ask for a meeting with the parents one evening, without the little boy there, to discuss his behaviour. It's obviously not a counselling session you want to get into, but you want to flag his behaviour to them as an issue, have examples of things that have happened and see if you can agree a way of managing his behaviour that everyone sticks to. It may be that one of them needs support at home, if he's worse with mum, perhaps a conversation with her on her own might be good as she might need support.

The CAF - common assessment framework - might help - I've had training but never actually done it myself. You can initiate it and it pulls in lots of different services to provide support for the boys behaviour wise and perhaps the parents if they want support too. It's a positive process and not one designed to put the parents under the spotlight at all - a common fear is that parents think social services will start questioning their parenting ability. There is a link here: http://www.dcsf.gov.uk/everychildmatters/strategy/deliveringservices1/caf/cafframework/

The thing I did that made a big difference, after asking mum about it and getting permission, was sitting down with the child and talking to them about it. I said I'd noticed they were feeling and acting quite cross sometimes with people, gave them a few examples of when they shouted at people and asked why they were cross - we talked about what we could do if they felt cross and I said I didn't like that behaviour and why. We also talked a lot about how they'd feel if someone behaved like that to them. It seemed to help a bit and when they did lose their temper we dealt with it much quicker and I had an apology etc as they had a better understanding that it was wrong.

Hope that helps and good luck.

19-02-2010, 06:55 PM
thanks for your replies i think i shall have a chat with whichever parent drops him off on Monday and take things from there

The Juggler
19-02-2010, 09:23 PM
nothing to add but good luck. lucky boy to have you:thumbsup:

19-02-2010, 10:57 PM
Poor little chap, I hope you get it sorted out. It seems like you are the only constant in his little life, keep with it he may be testing the boundaries. Hope you can sort with parents, tread carefully they may not like what they hear, good luck.

20-02-2010, 03:31 PM
Sorry haven't read all the replies as no time so maybe repeating something but anyhow. I feel so sorry for this little boy, I don't think it's right that he is living with 1 parent one week and the other parent the next week. I'm sure the parents think they are doing whats best for him but personally I don't think it's what he needs. He must be so confused right now and probably doesn't feel he has a proper "home" so to speak. I don't know what the answer is but I don't think you should give notice unless you absolutely don't think you can work with him, he needs some stability and continuity in his life and I think you could work things out with him in the long term given lots of patience and understanding. Sorry if none of this makes sense, i'm rushing to get out.
I do understand a little bit of how kids feel when their parents are no longer together as I'm no longer with my DS's father and it can be very confusing and emotional for them and sometimes the only way they know of letting it all out is anger.
Bless him, I hope you can work with him