I have had enough!!

[Adiamond]

Evening everyone, well as my titles says I feel as though I can't do this anymore :( .I have 2 sibling brothers after school 7 and 4 years old. They took a little time settling into our routine and took a little while to learn the house rules but things have been ok until yesterday :angry: the little one suffers with selective mutism and we are trying to work through it with mum, school and the social services, but he is really pushing the boundaries when I ask him to to do something he shakes his head at me and smirks :eek: I honestly don't know how to deal with this I have told mum and she just says " right your in bed early tonight" and then we have the 7 year old, my ds (7) really doesn't get on with this boy and he follows ds around all the time and it makes ds angry, if anything happens the 7 year old mindee straight away blaims ds I have asked him why and I get a load of back chat from him with serious attitude!!!!
Tonight I have gone through my house rules with them and things seemed fine until I nipped to the toilet and found that the 4 year old had peed all over my bathroom carpet :mad: I came down and asked who had done it and everyone denied it even though I knew that he was the only one who had been to the toilet!!! I gave him a chance to admit it and he just kept shaking his head, I feel that this is unnaceptable this is my home and I don't expect these things to happen they have no respect for any of our things.
I told mum when she picked him up and she said " oh he does do that sometimes" she never apologised once then they were stood in my kitchen and she said oh look a's drinks leaked out of his pack up and she stood there and watched me clean it all up :angry:

I feel as though I want to give notice but I really cannot afford to give up this money, if I felt mum was working with me I probably would be able to manage this better but I feel at a loss as to what to try next!!

Any advice would be great sorry for the long post but I really needed to get this off my chest :blush:

[LittleStar's]

I hope somebody comes along with some good advice, I just wanted to say I feel for you and good luck in whatever you decide to do with them x x x

[sarah707]

It sounds very much as if the mum doesn't know what to do next!

from what you have said she is torn between punishing the child for doing wrong and wanting an easy life.

When it's like this you have to think ok I'm not going to get any back up so it's all down to me... so what do you want to do next?

Questions to ask yourself...

You say the money is important... how important? Can you do without it if you give notice? Would it make a big difference?

Have you advertised recently? Are minders near you full or are there lots of vacancies around?

Can you carry on and ignore the little things and just concentrate on the main stuff? Tbh a wee on the mat sounds to me like a boy thing anyway, I have lino in my toilets because of this... I just mop it up and move on, I don't even bother mentioning it to the parents. In the grand scheme of things it's not that important.

As for smirking and shaking his head, if you don't challenge him he won't upset you by doing it... so just keep things calm and decide what you can put up with.

I think you are upset and because it's all building up, every little thing is getting on top of you. Your ds is probably picking up on it as well.

Only you know whether you can take a breath and carry on (until the space is filled) or give notice. At the end of the day, it's down to your tolerance levels isn't it?

I hope this has helped you to think things through. Hugs xx

[miffy]

I'm really sorry for you.

I would give notice - the children have no respect for you or your home, mum is not backing you up and your own ds doesn't like the older child.

If you can't manage without the money then I'd be advertising everywhere so I could give notice as soon as something else came along.

Miffy xx

[sillysausage]

Whilst it's no consolation, small boys can be quite wild with their aim at the toilet. My 3 yr old mindee needs constant encouragement to make sure he points it in the right direction. Whilst he is quite capable of taking himself to the toilet I have often gone in shortly after to find a puddle at the side of the toilet because 'it didn't go the right way'. I have managed to convince him that I don't mind as long as he tells me so it can be cleaned up straight away and thankfully now he does tend to remember on the odd occasions it still happens.

I think remaining calm and speaking firmly in a normal voice can help end the 'controlling' aspect of negative behaviours that children use to wind up adults. Could you try turning a negative into a positive? Instead of 'No, don't do that' or 'That has made me very cross' could you maybe say 'It's much nicer to....' or 'If you did ....., then we can do .....together'

[Carpet Monkeys]

Can I just ask as the parent of a child who has Selective Mutism, does he talk to you, or is it just nodding his head etc. I know that my own son can appear to be totally stubborn and act as though he doesn't understand but it's the fear of talking literally pinning him to the spot. Did you view the documentary about Selective Mutism last night My Child Won't Speak (http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b00qmwsh/My_Child_Wont_Speak/), as it may give you an insight to how he is feeling and his frustrations etc.

As for peeing on the mat I'm with Sarah, my son is 6yrs and just day dreams and totally misses the toilet at times as his mind is elsewhere. Just a thought you could pop a match in the toilet and ask him to aim at it!

Have you thought about drawing up a behaviour contract (so to speak) with the 7 yr old?

[loocyloo]

i have lino on my toilet floor, but at the moment i'm considering just having a french toilet ... hole in the floor and shower the floor down automatically everytime :rolleyes:

i have a 3 yr old mindee who never gets it in the toilet, 3 BIG boys, who currently seem to be in too much of a rush and a 2 yr mindee who has just toilet trained, but somehow manages to wee all over the seat, so it drips everywhere, rather than in the toilet!

its so much fun here!

sorry, don't mean to make is sound like i'm making fun of your troubles, i know when things are hard, every little thing irritates you, and makes things worse. i hope you can sort something out. sarah707 has some good ideas there!

[Spangles]

I can see that this is all really getting you frustrated and can totally understand why.

Would you be able to arrange to phone the mum one evening when the boys have gone to bed and talk this through with her?

She may be choosing to turn a blind eye to their behaviour for a quiet life and unless you say something she will just continue to do this as it's easier and she will convince herself that it's not a problem with you.

If you need the money then you need to get the mother to communicate with you and get an action plan together, that's what I think anyway. Although things might not change for a while, at least you will surely feel better by knowing that something is being done to address this and that hopefully there will be light at the end of the tunnel.

Mind you, if your son is being badly affected by the 7 year old maybe ending the contract is the right thing to do for his sake?

I can see that it's a really difficult situation.

xx

[Pipsqueak]

Ping Pong Balls in the loo - painted in different colours (one at a time though lol) - gives young children (oh ok and the older ones) something to aim at!! lol

[youarewhatyoueat]

The key thing for me has to be that it is becoming annoying for your own son, he is coming up to the age when he will get more homework, needing his own chill out time etc. I would not have any trouble in giving notice. That one thing for me would make the decision easy. The behaviour etc is not really the issue.
I also have a 7 year old son and when He was 5 I had a mindee the same age who was in the same class and it drove him and eventually the family nuts, he was a pleasant enough boy but just had some strange ways that didn't fit in with my children, I gave notice and vowed never to do after schoolies again that my kids don't get on with.
Don't feel guilty your family come first. I may come across as being a bit harsh but the stress was not worth the financial return.

[Adiamond]

Thank you everyone, I have been thinking what to do ALL night I was sooo stressed out last night :eek: I saw the boys mum at school this morning and she was very offish with me? I bet she thinks all I do is tell her that the boys have played up!!!
The 4 year old whom has selective mutism used to speak to me until last October then just suddenly stopped like I said before we are all trying to work through this.
My ds is of course my main concern the 7 year old follows T about all the time, sometimes T wants to play with them and sometimes he just wants to do his own thing, the mindees don't go in my lounge so T goes in there with his sister.
The financial side of this is very much needed at the moment as they are my main income.
I am advertising EVERYWHERE and if things don't improve quickly I will be giving notice as soon as I can get another mindee.
I have got them tonight, I am going to set up some activities that will hopefully keep them out of trouble!!!!! I will let you all know what happens :)
And thank you again x

[sarahw]

Thank you everyone, I have been thinking what to do ALL night I was sooo stressed out last night :eek: I saw the boys mum at school this morning and she was very offish with me? I bet she thinks all I do is tell her that the boys have played up!!!
The 4 year old whom has selective mutism used to speak to me until last October then just suddenly stopped like I said before we are all trying to work through this.
My ds is of course my main concern the 7 year old follows T about all the time, sometimes T wants to play with them and sometimes he just wants to do his own thing, the mindees don't go in my lounge so T goes in there with his sister.
The financial side of this is very much needed at the moment as they are my main income.
I am advertising EVERYWHERE and if things don't improve quickly I will be giving notice as soon as I can get another mindee.
I have got them tonight, I am going to set up some activities that will hopefully keep them out of trouble!!!!! I will let you all know what happens :)
And thank you again x

How is it going? I have a mindee who doesn't talk to people she doesn't know, however she stopped talking to me too unless it suits, when she does it's very quiet. I don't think she has selective mutism but I do think she knows that it can be frustrating and as such she does it more! I'd be interested in knowing how you finished up with this one as I am in the process of reducing my days in an effort to see if it makes a difference!!!!