Unsure how to deal with this??

[Adiamond]

Hi, sorry this is going to be a long one but I really need your advice.
I currently mind 2 brothers on average 3x a week after school and hols, I have had them since the 2nd week of Sept I already knew the family as the older boy (7) has gone through school with my ds. The younger brother A is 4 and in full-time school (reception), A doesn't speak to many people!!!!!! he always speaks to his mum and dad and he has always spoken to me and my family until last week :( .I know he hasn't spoken to any of his teachers since he started school last september!!!!!
I tried talking to him as I normally would and I tried to get him to join in with the others but he REFUSED to speak at all!!! not even a thank you for his drink and snack!!! After the 1st day this happened I just thought he was maybe in a mood but he hasn't spoken to any of us since :( , to be honest this is really starting to grate on me as I know he CAN speak but he is making the choice not to and I think he is being very rude.
I spoke to his teacher last friday and she agreed that something isn't right and we both have concerns because he is making the choice not to speak .
I have told mum that he isn't speaking and her reply is that "he is a right weirdo he's off to bed early"
I think there are deep issues with A and his teacher is going to have a word with mum and refer him to a specialist. but I am seriously struggling with him and I am starting to not look forward to them coming, I really don't know what I am going to do in the hols when I have got him for 10 hours a day how can I do anything with him when he won't communicate with me?

Sorry it's been a long one but I really needed to get this off my chest :) Thank you for listening x x x

[little miss chatterbox]

sorry I don't have much advice but I didn't want to read and run.

I do feel for you, I have to after schoolies who I know really don't want to be at my house and that does really upset me too.

Well done for speaking to his teacher I'm glad she realises there is a problem and going to tackle it with mum.

Hope it improves for you and the little boy gets talking

[Mouse]

It sounds like selective mutism and is an anxiety disorder, definitely not him being rude.

He needs refering for help.

If I were you, I would read up on the condition and decide how you're going to deal with it. Don't try making him speak, accept it's how he is & take things gently with him.

[Tired]

I cant offer any advice, I just wanted to say I know of 2 children with this condition, so It isnt that unusual.

As Mouse said, find out what you can do to help, he is not being rude.

[Adiamond]

Hi, thank you for your advice, I have just read about this condition and yes it does sound as though this is what he is going through at school but I feel it is different when he is at my home. For example I can hear him talking to his brother and sometimes my ds when he thinks I am out of earshot so I know it's not my house? and when I talk to him he smirks and I can tell he is bursting to talk so he sucks in his cheeks just incase a sound comes out....
2 weeks ago I couldn't keep him quiet he was the one who spoke the most out of all the children. I think I must of done something for him to change like that with me????? x x

[Lady Haha]

What happens if you ask him a question that doesn't rely on a 'yes or no' answer? Will he speak then?

I have a mindee who I've had since early summer and she is 7. She knows all the other mindees as they are in the same school, two of them in her class. She never speaks! She will only speak if I ask her something that needs more than a nod or shake of the head! I can count the amount of times she has spoken to me on my fingers!!!

On the other hand, she is very happy here, her mum says she can't wait for the days I pick her up! She plays with the others kids, not saying a single word. She made me a Christmas card yesterday and came out to the kitchen, tapped me on the arm and gave me it with a smile! No words!

I am just so used to it now, I don't force it. If she is happy, then so am I!

However, if your mindee won't even speak when asked a question that requires even the shortest answer, for instance 'would you like cheese or ham?', then I would be worried too!

Saying that though, I just imagined my mindee and if she could she would point to the preferred option rather than say it!:laughing:

[Adiamond]

Hiya, if I ask him a question with more than a yes/no answer all I get is a blank look!!! I don't even get a smile anymore :( .
He does play with the others but I can't tell if he is happy as the expression on his face never changes apart from to suck in his cheeks, even his eyes don't give him away!!!!
The only way I can explain his expression is just blank, looks like he could just fall to sleep there and then and sometimes he looks at me with evil looks,
the more I type and think about this the more worried I am becoming x

[wendywu]

One of my ex mindees parents was told at nursery her child was a selective mute. She used to talk with me but not at school. She would never smile in school photos or open her mout for the dentist.

But she grew out of it and is now 11 and a very popular normal girl. :thumbsup:

Her mum and i often laugh about it.

[Carpet Monkeys]

Hi There, my DS aged 6 has Selective Mutism.

At first we put it down to the fact that just before he started nursery he fell and split his tongue which needed to be sewn back together. So during his year at nursery, he didnt speak to teacher or assistants, but interacted with children very well. Reception was the same. We moved then from Singapore to UK, he went to one school over 4 miles from our house and his sister to our local school, again he didn't speak, but the school didn't do anything about it, and I just put it down to him being a bit shy.

However, within a week of winning an appeal and getting him into the same school as his sister, they instantly picked up on it and have tried lots of methods, he is under the SENCO at school and referred him to Speech Therapist, who said all was ok there, and I got a Primary Mental Health Worker involved ... we are making tiny steps, like talking on the phone to people (granny, grandad, dad etc), using walkie talkies. We've progressed a tiny bit at school instead of just giving the teacher a huge grin for the register he will now very quietly go mmh mmh. The school give him errands to do like ask a the dinner lady what's for lunch, at the moment it's via notes on paper, but hoping to progress.

We have come up with an idea of using a dictaphone so the school can assess his reading. He will very happily read to me on the dictaphone, he even read to one of my friends up the road. He will then sit with his teacher and let her listen to his reading, and she's now getting him to chose another teacher in the school to hear his reading. There is also a technique called sliding in, which the school are using, so his teacher can now sit at the same table as him, not directly opposite, beside him and he won't clam up like he did last year, he would just stop talking ... he had the same teacher last year, so for continuity I asked if he could stay with her in Year 2.

We've been told to not use direct questions at school and just go with the flow and he'll hopefully out grow it. I'm also trying to find a vocal coach who can teach my ds some vocal exercises to relax the muscles, as he's telling me the words are they but they just can't come out, he's scared of talking to her.

Now at home, there is no stopping him, he is a total chatterbox, he just doesn't stop!!!

There is a book that I've got which you could read to the child if you are interested in the title etc, I'll have to dig it out, let me know. Or if I find anything else out or you have any questions, just pm me, I'll gladly try to help you out

[nokidshere]

I have worked with children who refuse to speak over the years in various scenarios.

Almost all have spoken somewhere - either just at home or just at grandmas etc and all grew out of it with little input apart from encouragement and "normality".

[youarewhatyoueat]

Please don't think he is being rude, i'm sure now you have researched about the condition it should take the pressure off you thinking he should speak. Don't pressure him to speak it will happen one day, in the meantime lots of positive praise and make sure there are activities that encourage him to achieve well, it will boost him and make him feel good.

[angeldelight]

Hi There, my DS aged 6 has Selective Mutism.

At first we put it down to the fact that just before he started nursery he fell and split his tongue which needed to be sewn back together. So during his year at nursery, he didnt speak to teacher or assistants, but interacted with children very well. Reception was the same. We moved then from Singapore to UK, he went to one school over 4 miles from our house and his sister to our local school, again he didn't speak, but the school didn't do anything about it, and I just put it down to him being a bit shy.

However, within a week of winning an appeal and getting him into the same school as his sister, they instantly picked up on it and have tried lots of methods, he is under the SENCO at school and referred him to Speech Therapist, who said all was ok there, and I got a Primary Mental Health Worker involved ... we are making tiny steps, like talking on the phone to people (granny, grandad, dad etc), using walkie talkies. We've progressed a tiny bit at school instead of just giving the teacher a huge grin for the register he will now very quietly go mmh mmh. The school give him errands to do like ask a the dinner lady what's for lunch, at the moment it's via notes on paper, but hoping to progress.

We have come up with an idea of using a dictaphone so the school can assess his reading. He will very happily read to me on the dictaphone, he even read to one of my friends up the road. He will then sit with his teacher and let her listen to his reading, and she's now getting him to chose another teacher in the school to hear his reading. There is also a technique called sliding in, which the school are using, so his teacher can now sit at the same table as him, not directly opposite, beside him and he won't clam up like he did last year, he would just stop talking ... he had the same teacher last year, so for continuity I asked if he could stay with her in Year 2.

We've been told to not use direct questions at school and just go with the flow and he'll hopefully out grow it. I'm also trying to find a vocal coach who can teach my ds some vocal exercises to relax the muscles, as he's telling me the words are they but they just can't come out, he's scared of talking to her.

Now at home, there is no stopping him, he is a total chatterbox, he just doesn't stop!!!

There is a book that I've got which you could read to the child if you are interested in the title etc, I'll have to dig it out, let me know. Or if I find anything else out or you have any questions, just pm me, I'll gladly try to help you out

What good advice from someone who has first hand experience

Nice of you to offer to loan out the book to Jessie - hope it helps

Good luck Jessie with this

Angel xx

[loocyloo]

good luck,

when i was little (aged about 7-11), a girl i went dancing with (we shared lifts) 2 or 3 times a week, was a selective mute. she only spoke at home, to her parents, not even her siblings as far as i remember. i once heard her talk, when i was waiting for her, but that was it. she went to a different school and a friend i had there, said she never said anything.

i found it very hard to be friends with her, as i never felt she communicated in anyway. i remember my mum said that when she was little, someone had laughed at her/her voice? ( i think it was deep ) and from then on she never spoke.

and, this has made me feel sad, until i read this, i don't know if i've ever given her another thought at all. i just remember being pleased when we didn't need to share lifts anymore.

[Princess Sara]

I knew a little girl with this. She had been through loads of stuff in her homelife which was probably the cause, but even after it had all settled down she still didn't speak for years. There were very few people she spoke to, the school she went to wasn't particularly helpful, but she grew out of it eventually. If she'd had some professional help maybe it would have happened a lot sooner though, bless her.

[Carpet Monkeys]

As a parent it's so frustrating, knowing that he can speak, at first I thought he was just being stubborn and damn right rude, but then after thinking about it, what child or 4, 5 or 6 would have such self control to be able not to speak to an adult for the whole day at school. My son says that the words are there they just don't come out, it's like he's given up on even trying. The school have a red/green card system they use with my son. If the teacher is telling them how to do something or he doesn't understand what he's been asked to do he'll hold up a red card, if he's doing ok it's the green. If he wants to go to the toilet, he'll put a band over his shoulder so the teacher is aware he needs the loo. All these things my son has had input on in giving the teachers ideas on how to deal with certain situations that arise.

It's hard, but please don't force him, it will come eventually, another suggestion is to play charades or use puppets, even just trying to get him to nod yes, or shake his head for no is progress.