upset me so much i cried after mindee went home!

[chewy sweets]

I'm a newly registered cm! And i mean new as in 2 weeks. My 1st mindee started last week who's 6. It was fantastic!
Had my 2nd mindee start today(settlin in period) He's 2 and is coming once a week until he starts full time with me in september!

To cut along story short. They wanted to sneak out as they were leaving. I said i'd prefer if they said goodbye properly as he might get more clingy with her if she just disapperars.

Well she couldn't bear to do this so she felt more comfortable sneaking out.
Only thing is he caught her leaving and started really freaking out.
I mean throwing himself all over the floor and really sobbing! He tried to escape out the door to follow her!

He sat for 15 mins in my hallway sobbing and hitting himself!:panic:
I tried everything to encourage him to come and play! My lo is 15 months old and was scared by the whole situation.

I had to pick the mindee up and bring him into the living room where he calmed down while in my arms! He was fine after that and enjoyed playing with everything.

Mum came to collect him 2 hours later and he was fine. He's coming next week and really don't want this next week.
Any advice??? Do you think i should be strict with the mum and tell her that she shouldn't sneak out??? As i think it's this that's making him more clingy and panicy???????
Many thanks in advance i really need your help!

[Blackhorse]

I feel for you...I had my first mindee here yesterday and was so worried that this might happen..but mum said bye and then made a quick exit herself. it worked well.

tell the mum what has happened and that because of that next time you would like to try a different approach to see if makes any difference to the way the lo feels...

I am guilty myself of having snuck (sp?) out the door when my dd was playing with her dad to go for a quick shower or something...but I know they say it is better to say properly good bye...
if you talk to the mum try to be as understanding as possible of her ways so she doesnt feel bad..as she probably already feels bad because I guess she will not be used to the fact that she has to leave her kid with anyone..

but hopefully someone who really knows what they are talking about will come along soon and will give you some good advice...

PS
I think I woudl have been in tears as well!

[nannymcflea]

I make sure every parent says goodbye, you were right that it is the best way,imho, kids know where they stand and it does make it easier in the long run.

Tell her that experts say it's the best way!(you being the expert of course):clapping:

[sweets]

aah poor LO and you! its horrible to watch them so upset. I agree with you in principle, parents should say a proper goodbye and thats the way i prefer it BUT sometimes its better for LO not to have the goodbye and lots of parents prefer it this way.. You prob find that next week he will cry as soon as he sees you, as now he knows whats going to happen, if poss can mum stay with him for 10 mins and try to settle him down at playing with something, don't let her stay too long tho as it justs prolongs the parting! If you managed to calm him today after 15 mins thats pretty good as sometimes they can keep it up for hours!!

[Polly2]

I think I would explain exactly what happened to mum. She is not going to want to cause any unnecessary upset to lo so hopefully she will be wiling to say goodbye as you suggested.

Of course lo may still kick and scream as some do but its much better if parents say goodbye briefly and then go.

Hope it goes well next time - don't forget it will take a while to settle in :thumbsup:

[Mouse]

Before a new child comes for a settling session I ask the parent how they want to leave. I say that I like the child to have a proper goodbye & to wave mum/dad off, but if the parent wants to sneak out, that's the way we do it. For some children (and parents) it really is a better approach to start with.

With my last new starter mum wanted to sneak out as she thought it would be too difficult for her to see LO waving at the door. We did this for the first week then switched to saying bye at the door. It worked well for us.

I'm probably going against what everyone else is saying, but I'd say let mum sneak away for a few sessions & see how it goes. You can always start the proper goodbyes once the mindee is more settled.

Sorry, just editing this as I didn't read your post properly & you say you think sneaking out is making him worse...ignore me then! :blush:

[MissTinkerbell]

I always ask parents to say goodbye because then the child realises that mum/dad is going. LO was probably upset because he caught mum sneaking off and thought that she was just leaving him. Whilst he was upset and this was stressful for you it is a completely natural reaction.

You did all the right things in settling him. Ask mum to say 'goodbye and that she will see him later'. This then reinforces in X's head that mummy is coming back and he will see her soon.

If mum is finding it difficult you can always phone/text mum later and reassure her that X is playing happily - if she has a camera phone and you do perhaps you could take her a photo and send it to her - I have done this before.

When I first left my twins at afternoon preschool they both sobbed and screamed. I said a quick goodbye and said I'd see them later. Apparently they cried for about 5 minutes and were then fine (their teacher phoned me to tell me they were OK) but when I went to pick them up my DS sobbed - with relief that I had come back as I promised.

My point is that if a parent leaves without saying goodbye the child has no idea where they have gone or if indeed they are coming back. A quick goodbye and a promise of see you later shows the child that parent is leaving but are coming back in time. When they return the child then knows that they will be back and this then makes it easier next time they are left because they know that mum will return.

I'm sure that things will be better next time but try and get mum to say a quick goodbye.

[Chatterbox Childcare]

I advise my parents to say goodbye and go and don't linger.

It is upsetting for the parents but a security thing for the child and once they are secure that mum is coming back the tears will stop.

[Daftbat]

I always ask parents to say goodbye because then the child realises that mum/dad is going. LO was probably upset because he caught mum sneaking off and thought that she was just leaving him. Whilst he was upset and this was stressful for you it is a completely natural reaction.

You did all the right things in settling him. Ask mum to say 'goodbye and that she will see him later'. This then reinforces in X's head that mummy is coming back and he will see her soon.

If mum is finding it difficult you can always phone/text mum later and reassure her that X is playing happily - if she has a camera phone and you do perhaps you could take her a photo and send it to her - I have done this before.

When I first left my twins at afternoon preschool they both sobbed and screamed. I said a quick goodbye and said I'd see them later. Apparently they cried for about 5 minutes and were then fine (their teacher phoned me to tell me they were OK) but when I went to pick them up my DS sobbed - with relief that I had come back as I promised.

My point is that if a parent leaves without saying goodbye the child has no idea where they have gone or if indeed they are coming back. A quick goodbye and a promise of see you later shows the child that parent is leaving but are coming back in time. When they return the child then knows that they will be back and this then makes it easier next time they are left because they know that mum will return.
I'm sure that things will be better next time but try and get mum to say a quick goodbye.

This is exactly where i stand on this. The child needs to know that the parent means what they say. If they sneak out they have more problems in my experience.

[sweets]

i agree but i did have a child once that hated goodbyes and screamed if mum said it, so mum did sneak out and after 5 mins child would say to me 'mummy' and i just calmly said 'yes mummy popped to shops and will be back soon'. She accepted this and was happy but saying goodbye was a big no no so i do think it depends on the child as there are some that can't cope with it.

[Rubybubbles]

it's hard I started a new baby yesterday only 2 days a week and she cried when we said goodbye, but plenty of hugs and just taking things at her own pace and she was crawling around helping herself and exploring all the lovely 'new' things to play with

hope it goes well next week

[Jellytotzjulia]

Don't be disheartened,he will possible cry & be upset whether mum says goodbye or not, as he's only coming once a week to settle in,but once he goes full time in sept,after about a week or so mum will be hanging round wanting him to cry for her when leaving & mindee will happily wave goodbye no problems.just give it a bit of time.

Julia:littleangel:

[childmind04]

I too think it wont make much difference if she says bye or not with the tears, but i too like parents to say goodbye so the child knows and accepts mum goes and comes back :)

Talk to mum but dont worry about him crying its only natural and like you said after a few hugs he was fine :)

[The Juggler]

I've had parents try to sneak out before. I tell them it is much better if they see you go and tell them where you are and that you will be coming back.

I would try to persuade them.

[georgie456]

I haven't read all the replies so sorry if I'm repeating!

I had the exact same thing with my most recent full timer. Mum insisted on sneaking out saying it had worked with previous cm. I agreed to try it on a short term and it was awful. Mindee was fine until he noticed and then cried for 30mins daily. Of course, mum never saw this so she was ok!!!!

I put my foot down in the end and made her say goodbye. He still cried, but stopped very quickly. However, mum then became a bit of a nightmare getting upset with him when he cried at drop off.

It culminated with her breaking down in tears one morning. She left in such a state that she forgot her car keys so had to come straight back. The look on her face when she saw that literally 20 seconds after she had gone he was playing happily was a classic!

From that day on, she caught on and he now happily waves her off because she is much more relaxed.

Stick with it and explain to her that he will accept separation much quicker if he sees her going. If she is sneaking away he is feeling abandoned and will never trust her to come back if she is ever out of sight.

[helenlc]

LO needs to learn that mummy goes away and then mummy comes back. The only way he is going to learn this is if he sees mummy actually go. You need to tell mum that you really think this will work better and can she at least try it.

Insist on it if you have to. Reassure her that it will get better as he gets used to it.:thumbsup:

[chewy sweets]

Thanks for everyone's replies. Again, everyone's been so supportive!:clapping:

[Ripeberry]

I have it written in my settlin-in policy about parents NOT sneaking out as it can make it much worse for all concerned. With my mindee yesterday, the dad sat with us for 10 minutes until I could see mindee was getting engrosed in a game and I said to the dad "He'll be OK, lets say goodbye"
So I picked up mindee and saw dad to the door and we both waved goodbye, then it was straight back to the game and when i could see he was going to have a little wobble I got my puppets out and started to play 'peek-a-boo'.
This made mindee forget about being upset and he was great for the rest of the 4 hr session.
He might twig next time what is happening, but we'll wait and see. Going camping next week, better be nice weather :cool:

[Ripeberry]

When mindee was having his nap i rang his mum to say that he has not cried at all and she said to me "That sounds really good and really bad all at the same time" She was of course happy that he was settled but upset that he did not miss her".
But he made up for it when she collected as he could not wait to get into her shirt! :laughing: (still breastfeeding)