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View Full Version : feeling really sad about asking for money for summer



newandlearning
23-07-2009, 06:20 PM
I feel really fed up.. mum came shortly after mindee had broken something and so mood was a bit stressed.. anyway.. I asked the mum if she would be able to get a bus pass for me as it really helps me financially as its soo much cheaper.. mum said 'I'm really busy I may be able to do on Monday'.. I said 'well that would be really good as otherwise I've got to pay more and I'm to keep costs down if its possible'.. she said ' well I wish you'd give me more warning' and I said 'I did I asked you two weeks ago but still I've not got a bus pass'... I said it wasn't just about the bus pass but there are other occasional when I buy cakes from cafes, which are chosen by mindee, and then aren't eaten as he's changed his mind.. at times this can be £1.50 down the swanny' and all of these things are coming out of my hourly rate as mum had told me she couldn't afford anymore and today told me that it was my choice to be buying these things and not her fault if I then feel hard done by.. yes!! to this I agree.. but I don't know how I'm meant to buy everyone else a cake (as the other mindee has a day's allowance) and then not buy for the other.. if feels cruel.. anyway, I told her I felt unable to ask her for the money as I knew her finances were bad but that equally my DH was probably gonna be losing his job in the next month and so I had my own financial woes...

She left saying .. if money was the issue then she'd give me some and that on top of this she would pay if I put my hourly rate up.. but the whole conversation was horrible.. I broke out crying .. and she basically told me this was all my problem for not sorting out my charges better.

I feel :censored: .. and I begin to feel like this is the end of our relationship .. she told me I hadn't been professional at all and that maybe I should remember we have a professional agreement and so should act accordingly..

the whole thing makes me feel sad.. I really care a lot for the mindee.. and he's turned into my LO's best friend.. I feel like I've :censored: everything up for him and am now taking his friend away.:(

littlepixies
23-07-2009, 06:26 PM
:panic: OH NO HUN... thats awful!

Maybe it was all taken abit too seriously being the end of a tiring day for you both and maybe she will be all ok when you next see her. May be you could arrange a meeting just too talk things over with and both of you can come to some agreement now she knows your true feelings. If she knows your reasons and feelings and has time to think about it calmly she will see where your coming from hun.... give her space and time and im sure she will talk again!

Rubybubbles
23-07-2009, 06:29 PM
I haven't read any of your posts as not been around, without knowing whats in your contract I can't give any advise :(

mushpea
23-07-2009, 07:16 PM
this is why i always pay for the outings and why i dont allow the children to bring their own money.
if others have money then you can say to the child 'xx has brough her own money thats why she can buy a cake if you want to buy a cake then you need to ask mum for spending money' when he dosent get his cake he will remember and probalby pester mum for money, if she complains he missed out then you have to explain you cant afford to buy cakes he wont eat and that the others had their money. it does seem cruel but its not your fault and if this was a school trip they certainly wouldnt buy him somthing just cause the others hadmoney and he didnt.

manjay
23-07-2009, 07:23 PM
Not quite sure if I am understanding this:rolleyes: Are you asking her to buy a bus pass for you, or for her child?

sarah707
23-07-2009, 07:25 PM
I think you need to look at the way you spend money... for example, you could take some cakes and drinks and have a picnic in the park much cheaper than a cafe. If the child is going through a tricky phase then go with his needs and make it a treat for everyone do you see what I mean?

Also I think you need to get more things in writing. If she is organising a bus pass then you need a written agreement of when it will happen and if it doesn't, you need to immediately say you are unable to take child to x, y or z because of it... put the pressure on from day 1, not a few weeks later when you've let it, quite rightly, get to you.

Do you feel your contracts need reorganising? If so the end of a busy day when he's just broken something is the worst timing! :laughing: Make an appointment with her, sit and go through them. You're supposed to do it every year anyway so just make it sooner rather than later and get the whole lot in writing.

I am sure the mum will understand that you are upset about your home situation as well. I hope your husband's job situation improves :group hug:

newandlearning
23-07-2009, 07:37 PM
Thanks for all your reply.. I feel emotional drained and tired..Sarah.. We just re-did our contracts in June and agreed to review them in January...

but since getting my grading I've had several cm's say to me how great I am with the LOs, how I offer them lots of fun opportunities and that I'm undercutting myself.. especially when their mums are paying them more per hour and 'offering' money for outings..

my 'mum' never asks me 'how was ya weekend?' 'have you got any plans for your hols?' or stuff like that.. but she tells me loads about herself and is always saying what fun they had with her.. when I say 'well today with went to a national trust park, hunting for leaves and flowers.. followed by a picnic and cake'.. there is never a 'wow .. that sounds great!' .. I am really proud of what I do .. I most of the time love it and truly care for the children in my care .. you are right probably I should have left them to just go home and talk about the mum getting her LO a bus pass the other day.. I sometimes find it very tricky to 'keep' on asking for things.. coz then I feel like I'm bugging her.. and not many people like a bug do they??

Mouse
23-07-2009, 07:39 PM
I can see why you're upset, but I can also see the mum's point of view. It is your choice to buy her son a cake, knowing that he may well not eat it. It's not her fault that you're wasting your money. And it's not her problem that your husband may be losing his job. She could probably be a bit more understanding about it, but when she is paying for your service, she won't really want to be listening to your woes at the end if the day.

It must be difficult when one child has a daily allowance when this child doesn't, but that's something you need to sort out. You either have to say no one has an allowance, or you have to carry on paying for this child's treats. It's not ideal, but it is your business & you need to make the decision.

Mum has said she will pay if you put up your hourly rate, so perhaps that's what you should consider doing. It sounds as if she's not so annoyed about the money, but more about the way you've gone about asking for it. You need to have a good chat with her, clear the air & decide where you go from here.

Sleep on it tonight & think about it again in the morning with a fresh head.

Chatterbox Childcare
23-07-2009, 08:13 PM
Sorry to be the "downer" on the thread but sit back and look at what you are asking.

Mum came to you, a professional person, and left her little one with you and trusts you.

What I think mum is trying to say to you is as a professional, work out your costs and tell her the rate but don't keep bothering her with money afterwards.

newandlearning
23-07-2009, 08:23 PM
hi Debbie.. I'm not sure if that is what she is saying.. she wanted me to write everything down in writing a couple of weeks ago.. so I ask for a contribution towards outings costs (nothing happened).. I asked for spare set of clothes (nothing happened).. and asked about bus pass (nothing happened).. have also chanced up all these things and so far (nothing happened).. I don't know.. I'm just glad its nearly the weekend.

Deb
23-07-2009, 08:43 PM
what do you need a bus pass for? just curious.

I hope you solve this problem soon; sounds like you might need to put your prices up a bit.

newandlearning
23-07-2009, 09:00 PM
Hi if you have a Bus ID in our area you only pay 20p for each child..
without this you have to pay half an adult fare.. and the adult fare is £3.60..

so with 2 LOs over 5.. it quite a savings over the summer.

The Juggler
23-07-2009, 09:04 PM
i always include everything in my price. I don't often buy ice-creams/cakes when I'm out I just take with me.

As a parent I know I would resent being asked for extra money for outings other than as an option for an expensive outing maybe. At the end of the day she is paying for child to be cared for with you and maybe doesn't have the extra cash for these treats or perhaps wants to save it to treat her lo herself.

However, I know it can work out expensive and we can't always afford to treat lots of children either. Just take lots of things with you to cut down on costs. If you want to save the situation, act quickly. However, you actually feel I think it's worth sitting her down and saying sorry, that you maybe should have had an informal chat before. That you could have handled it better. This will make her feel better. Then maybe ask would she mind paying for special outing treats from time to time as long as you ask her first.


Good luck it is not a nice situation to be in but you must remember you haven't intentionally meant to upset her, so you've done nothing that wrong. But it's worth the extra niceties to get your relationship back on track.

LOL

Playmate
23-07-2009, 09:11 PM
I have to agree alot with what Debbie and Mouse have said here.

You really do need to consider your costs. Our daily/hourly rate takes everything into account. If we are low on numbers and feeling the pinch (this holiday is a good example) we plan very cheap trips and picnics. The children have just as much fun! Remember what ever you spend on the children you can offset against your tax bil and personally I would rather it went to the children than the tax man :D

As for discussing your families finances, I know its very tempting to want to make them understand, but it is not professional and not their problem, sorry if that sounds hard but If we want to be regarded as professionals, we have to behave in that manner.

Hope you can talk to parent again when you have both had chance to calm down.

mushpea
24-07-2009, 06:06 AM
how about brining a new polcy in stating that all trips are to be paid for by parents and children can bring a maximum amount of spending money dictated by you in the policy, you can then say that if they dont have spending money you will not be buying treats as you cannot afford to do this.
my partner has been out of work since april so my money is paying for everything because he was self employed we get no help from the goverment other than tax credits so i know how hard it its. i work out my money by the children i have so child x's money is for the bils, child A's is for the outings etc, poor kids they all have little pound signs above their heads:laughing: but its the only way i can do it.

newandlearning
26-07-2009, 09:20 PM
Hi again...
am I being a bit odd with this one.. I'm still feeling abit out of sorts about this conversation I had with mum.. and am beginning to realise that the mum obviously only wants a 'professional' thing with me and my kids.. which begins to fit right into place as we've not been invited to any of the mindees parties..
I think I stupidly thought that would happen as we 'seem' to get on really well.. it feels really odd to me now .. knowing that I really need to take a 'big' step back and go into professional mode when I've always been very warm and nurturing to the mindee before.. feeling a bit odd..:(

zillervalley
26-07-2009, 10:48 PM
I think i feel the same as you, i to are warm and nuturing as you have phrased it, over my years of minding i have become a friend to the parents, someone to talk to etc.

but i have had a parent 2 in fact who just wanted a profesional relationship, and it is hard to adapt when your nature is not like that

but if that is what your mum wants then talk to her, about fees and passes , cakes and all the other things that bug you, and start again


we to just pay 20p on buses if children have passes


hope you get sorted out sooner rather than later

all the best

ziller

Goatgirl
26-07-2009, 10:58 PM
Hi,
Don't worry; you'll feel better soon hopefully. it sounds like its been a shock more than anything.
Just remember its not a personal thing. Some people just don't want to mix personal and professional relationships, without intending any offence.
And there's no reason to be any less nurturing to the mindee though, is there? Your relationship with the mindee is far more important than being considered a friend by an unhelpful parent.
I don't know whether you've discussed things with her yet, but I think, as she is being awkward about coming up with extras, but did say she would pay more, it might be best to work all the costs out and up your hourly fee accordingly. You could write it all out 'professionally' if its too soon to have the discussion and give it to her to mull over.
Hope it resolves soon. Good luck with it :-)

miffy
27-07-2009, 06:47 AM
Hi again...
am I being a bit odd with this one.. I'm still feeling abit out of sorts about this conversation I had with mum.. and am beginning to realise that the mum obviously only wants a 'professional' thing with me and my kids.. which begins to fit right into place as we've not been invited to any of the mindees parties..
I think I stupidly thought that would happen as we 'seem' to get on really well.. it feels really odd to me now .. knowing that I really need to take a 'big' step back and go into professional mode when I've always been very warm and nurturing to the mindee before.. feeling a bit odd..:(

You can still be warm and nurturing to the mindee, it's just mum you need to build a professional rather than personal relationship with as that seems to be what she wants.

Miffy xx

Daftbat
27-07-2009, 07:25 AM
Hi,

This is a learning curve which i think we all go through at the beginning. SOme parents are brilliant and really appreciate what you do for their children but unfortunately not everyone acts the same. Try not to take it personally - parents are often tied up with their own problems, work issues etc and all they want is a happy child when they collect them - they just assume everything else is in place anyway and don't think to appreciate it.

I would carry on being the person you are but try to budget your outings and take food supplies with you from home which will keep the costs down.

I don't charge for outings generally but if i have a biggy aranged where there is a hefty entrance fee for example i ask the parents for five pounds per child to help towards this. Never had any issues as £5 is a really cheap day out for them to pay for.

Good luck and keep your chin up :thumbsup:

miss mopple
27-07-2009, 08:05 AM
I would look at increasing your hourly rate and making it an all inclusive one so there are no issues like this in the future.

Like others I dont ask for outings fees, I cover all costs and the children arent allowed to bring spending money either as it causes too many arguments.

Hope you can resolve it.

mabel
27-07-2009, 10:41 AM
I too agree with mouse, once I have agreed contract fees I never ask for anything else.
I would not buy expensive cakes (always make my own) and don't even buy
posh ice creams it is always the basics here and the children understand that
as there is lot to buy for.

The bus pass sounds a great idea and saving but you should organise it.

After 15 years and over 70 children some parents are not chatty, they just want a minder, others want a friendship, other need your advice 24/7 !!

the beauty of our job is what will the next parent be like
welcome to the world of childminding and I do hope you start to feel better
about it all soon.

newandlearning
27-07-2009, 12:33 PM
Thank you everyone for your support, thoughts and ideas.. this particular experience has a big learning experience for me.. plus its my first summer with 5 children which has totally changed my view regarding going out to places that cost a lot.. luckily.. I'm now beginning to look at my own local county for cheaper days out and am beginning to be cheaper with my own creativity... I need to get cheaper.. I've given a list of each day's prospective outings now along with costs and said that I'd welcome any ideas she could have of other outings she would rather we did other things.. I'm going to keep a log of costs.. and see how things go.. xx

Curly Quavers
27-07-2009, 01:05 PM
Hi if you have a Bus ID in our area you only pay 20p for each child..
without this you have to pay half an adult fare.. and the adult fare is £3.60..

so with 2 LOs over 5.. it quite a savings over the summer.


I guess I am in a fortunate position having a car. But I pay the diesel that goes in to it and if I I take kids on an outing I do not ask for diesel money from parents but do put the 40 pence per mile through the books.

My thoughts are you should be paying for the bus pass and putting it through your books as a childminding expense as it rightly is. Is this not included in your hourly rate?

The Juggler
27-07-2009, 01:11 PM
I guess I am in a fortunate position having a car. But I pay the diesel that goes in to it and if I I take kids on an outing I do not ask for diesel money from parents but do put the 40 pence per mile through the books.

My thoughts are you should be paying for the bus pass and putting it through your books as a childminding expense as it rightly is. Is this not included in your hourly rate?

some of the bus passes are free it's just that parents need to apply and sign for them.

Curly Quavers
27-07-2009, 01:14 PM
some of the bus passes are free it's just that parents need to apply and sign for them.

ok my apologies didn't realise :)

PixiePetal
27-07-2009, 01:53 PM
It's like that with our local bus company. Their birth certificate has to be taken in and parent needs to sign.

Got my own kids passes. It has gone up to 50p a trip now if they are without me (age 12 and 15) or 30p, i think, with me. Better than £1.80 each :thumbsup:

No over 5's mindees at the moment but will ask parents to get one if I do have them.

Chatterbox Childcare
27-07-2009, 02:44 PM
some of the bus passes are free it's just that parents need to apply and sign for them.

If the bus pass issue is that mum needs to sign and hasn't then get a form and ask her to do it when she is collecting, you could fill in the rest then

newandlearning
27-07-2009, 03:03 PM
hi ya.. I offered support with getting the bus ID .. I downloaded the form, offered to go to Tesco to print off the passport photo and offered to post to Bus Company once mum had signed application form but needed to ask her for a copy of birth certificate.. mum said she was happy to send off and would sort out photo etc herself.

who would have thought a 'free' Bus ID would have caused so many people to get involved .. I think she's phoned a friend to do the photo now :)

Wot a hoot!! I realise I've been a pain in the proverbial (can I say that?) .. and what I will ensure happens in future is that this will be something I ask for when a child starts with me and can be added to my registration pack.. this LO had only just turned 5 years though so I couldn't have done much more.. I spoke with mum again today and said I was sorry about last week and that if she ever felt she was unhappy with anything that I did in my setting that I would appreciate the feedback.. on top of this I always give out regular feedback forms so would hope any bad feeling would get caught before it got out of hand..xx

Goatgirl
27-07-2009, 03:43 PM
Hi,
Sounds like you're back on top now. I'm glad!!
bws,
wendy :-)

manjay
27-07-2009, 03:52 PM
hi ya.. I offered support with getting the bus ID .. I downloaded the form, offered to go to Tesco to print off the passport photo and offered to post to Bus Company once mum had signed application form but needed to ask her for a copy of birth certificate.. mum said she was happy to send off and would sort out photo etc herself.

who would have thought a 'free' Bus ID would have caused so many people to get involved .. I think she's phoned a friend to do the photo now :)

Wot a hoot!! I realise I've been a pain in the proverbial (can I say that?) .. and what I will ensure happens in future is that this will be something I ask for when a child starts with me and can be added to my registration pack.. this LO had only just turned 5 years though so I couldn't have done much more.. I spoke with mum again today and said I was sorry about last week and that if she ever felt she was unhappy with anything that I did in my setting that I would appreciate the feedback.. on top of this I always give out regular feedback forms so would hope any bad feeling would get caught before it got out of hand..xx

:laughing: :laughing: You live and learn! Glad you are feeling better about it. From what you say I don't think you could have done much more and now you have come up with a way to get it sorted easier next time.:thumbsup:

FizzysFriends
27-07-2009, 03:53 PM
I'm a big out of it so haven't read the whole thread but if you are taking 5 kids out email the place first tell them u are a minder and ask for a discount I do it and have got schools rates so etimes

newandlearning
27-07-2009, 04:11 PM
that's a great idea about getting discounts.. I think I'm gonna phone up everywhere I'm planning on going and see if I can get discounts. thanks for the tip.xx

cuffleygirl
27-07-2009, 05:03 PM
Hi

I do know exactly where you're coming from on this one. I too had a good relationship with a parent and the same as in your case mindee and my son became best friends/brothers (and I still believe it was good and friendly not purely professional) I have looked after this mindee since he was 18months old he his now 8.

The relationship evolved she seemed to want to know everything about my life and would share nothing in return including details that would be useful about her sons welfare. To the point now she drives me insane at times and I have to remind myself I look after her son for money - I don't look after her! she just pays me and frankly the least amount of time she spends here the better. But I put on my professional stance and treat her the same as other parents but I truly care for her son.

Looking back I can pinpoint the pivotal time and it was a point were circumstances changed in her life nothing to do with me but it seems to have changed her perspective on life and all her relationships and she felt she could trust no one, its sad but all I can do is offer her child a warm and caring and constant environment. She tells other people she appreciates me but never me and at times is a complete ***** to me I rise above it and that makes me the professional!

She may have something going on in her life that is affecting her and she knows that you are a kind caring person and if she even eludes to what is going on a kind word may upset (don't say anything nice it will make me cry scenerio) and it may be easier for her to just shut down

Long winded hope it makes sense