View Full Version : Mindees dad has just died, what should I do?

10-07-2009, 07:00 AM
OMG, have just has a phone call to say my 2 mindees ( aged 11 and 7) dad died last night. Am in total shock as I knew him very well, and cannot begin to see how his kids will cope with this. They are obviously not here today, but are due to leave me and their current schools next Friday to start at new school in September. Have offered immediate help in ringing anyone neccessary and the family member I spoke to assured me that everything was under control today but they'd let me know plans for next week over the weekend. What on earth can I do to help the kids, should I go to funeral, millions of other questions that I thought someone on here may be able to help with. Am sitting here in tears at mo and have other mindees arriving any minute... xx

christine e
10-07-2009, 07:04 AM
Oh what dreadful news. Just be there for them if they need you - let the people who got in touch know that the children can come to you if they want to.

Sending hugs to you


10-07-2009, 07:06 AM
O what a shame, that is so sad!!

You are already doing alot of good helpful things, i know it is hard and feeling useless.

Do other mindees know? You could tell them caefully if they need to know could you get them to make a card if they age right.

Go to the funeral if its what you want to do, i prob would,

hugs to you x

10-07-2009, 07:16 AM
How sad. Thinking of you and your mindees

10-07-2009, 07:18 AM
How sad, I am so sorry to hear this news. Sympathy to you and his family. xx

10-07-2009, 07:19 AM
how awful, I really feel for you and I have been in similar situation,
I must admit in these situations our business heads go out the window and we become supportive friend, I just offered to have the children whenever....

just you saying that is enough

and saying your at the end of a phone.

10-07-2009, 07:19 AM
Thats so sad. I was in the same position two and a half years ago when the father of two mindees died of a blood clot on the lung. It was in the holidays and the children actually wanted to still come to me which sort of helped with the family sorting out all the things that they have to do.

I was anxious about how to deal with it but in the end the children sort of lead things. I talked to my eldest daughter who was close to the older mindee and she was ready to be supportive to her. What i would say is don't skirt around the issue when you see the children, let them talk if they want to and not if they don't. Try to keep things normal and don't be scared to be upset around them if you knew him well - we all had cuddles and tears together. There are no rights or wrongs and all you can do is continue to be there for the mother and children.

Take care x

10-07-2009, 07:20 AM
Thats so sad, poor family :(

I would probably send a card with a note saying you are there if they need you, and yes i would probably go to funeral

Hugs to all


10-07-2009, 07:22 AM
dont know what to say other than sending you a big hug, my thought are with the children and his wife and family too xxx

I would probably go to the funeral xxx

10-07-2009, 07:26 AM
That is sad, just as others have said you have offered support already.
I would go to the funeral
Sending you hugs :group hug:

10-07-2009, 07:34 AM
yes just offer to be thee for them and take time your self to greeve too xxx

10-07-2009, 07:38 AM
oh how awful. It must be shocking for everyone involved. I think you've already had some good advice here - I just wanted to say how sorry I am. x

Chatterbox Childcare
10-07-2009, 08:25 AM
What sad news

I would call you DO/Network as they should have loads of help to be offered to support you and the family

10-07-2009, 08:29 AM
Families tend to go inside themselves at times like this, so I would accept that and just let them know I am here if they need me.

I would send a card and depending on how busy I was, I would go to the funeral, but if it seriously inconvenienced other parents or I wasn't up to it, then I would not go.

Sending hugs xx

10-07-2009, 08:34 AM
That is dreadful news hope you are ok you must be in shock yourself

You have to think of yourself here also - you obviously knew him well so are upset so you have to do what you think is right for YOU if you want to go to the funeral then yes of course go

I would send a card to the family so they know you are thinking of them at this sad time then I would leave them to contact you if they need your help they are prob not thinking of very much at the moment apart from their grief

It is going to be a difficult time for everyone

Sending you hugs

Angel xx

10-07-2009, 08:50 AM
I cant add anymore as good advise has already been given. Thinking of you and the family involved. So very sad.

10-07-2009, 09:28 AM
Very sad news

Sending you lots of hugs


10-07-2009, 10:51 AM
I can't really add anything that people haven't already mentioned. Just letting the family know that you are there if they need you I think is probably the best thing. The children know you well and may probably want some familiararity. I send you a big hug as I know how a sudden death in the family can affect you. I'll be thinking of you.

10-07-2009, 10:57 AM
So sorry about your news. What a dreadfull shock :(

10-07-2009, 11:29 AM
I am so very sorry, you did the right thing by offering and they know you are there for them,

send a card with a letter saying you can help with the children or xyz that you hope to be at the funeral (but only if arrangements can be made for the other children you care for ) and you send all your love etc.

remember to take time out for YOU x x x

10-07-2009, 12:32 PM
Don't know what to add to what has already been said. but didn't want to read and run, the poor children and family, life is so cruel sometimes!

10-07-2009, 01:36 PM
Sending big hugs your way :group hug: x x x

10-07-2009, 04:13 PM
thinking of you and the family.


10-07-2009, 04:21 PM
Thinking about you..... what an awful shock. Sending a big hug xxxx

10-07-2009, 04:25 PM
Such terrible news.................... hope you are OK?

Sending hugs

Miffy xx

10-07-2009, 04:39 PM

so sorry you and your mindees are going through this
i had a similar situation some 8yrs now, a mum died and the funeral was the day before my mindees 10th birthday

I did go to the funeral and offered to be there if mindee thought she could not go through with it, I stood at the back of our local church but in sight so mindee saw me , she managed very well I have to say,


10-07-2009, 05:43 PM
Firstly, thankyou all so much for taking time out of your busy days to reply and offer advice, it really is much appreciated!
I decided not to say anything to my 2 youngest children or any mindees this morning before school, but to text their parents during the day ( all the mindees parents know each other well) and explain that their children may pick up on the upset, but that I was attempting to keep routines etc the same as usual, and was hoping to tell the minimum amount of people possible. However.... the family obviously told the school why the girls weren't in school today and the headmistress announced it in assembly at 5mins to 3pm to all the pupils. I arrived to do school pick up at 3pm and was greeted with hysterical children who couldn't believe the news. Some of these children are only 4 and we've had all the questions tonight about 'will my daddy die too?'. Really feel that this could have been handled by the school in a better way.
On a practical note, the girls were leaving next Friday to go to schools nearer their home. They live about 7 miles away but attend my local school as its close to mums work place, and was the best choice at the time. Now as the eldest moves to secondary, the youngest is moving to a more local primary. Attending the funeral could be a nightmare to arrange as I don't drive and depending on when it is will have lots of other mindees booked in, but would want to go if I felt I was needed if that makes sense. Really feel the school had no need to tell all the pupils especially as they only had another week at the school anyway. My own DS is now angry I didn't tell him before school ( I told my teenagers as they saw me crying and are at the age where they start imagining terrible things if they see that I am upset) x

10-07-2009, 07:03 PM
Such sad news. Just wanted to send hugs.

10-07-2009, 07:37 PM
So sorry to hear the bad news.

I agree that the school could have handled it better and perhaps just told the classes that the children were actually in.

Lots of good advice has already been given.

If you were closer I would offer to help you out with mindees - I am about 20 minutes from Lakeside but in Kent.

Maybe some books from the library might help the younger ones to comprehend it. Maybe some of these might help:

I found these also:





Best wishes for you and everybody concerned.

:group hug:

Nicki L
12-07-2009, 05:32 PM
How awful, i havent anything else to add, everybody else has covered it all.

Just wanted to send hugs to you and the family.

18-07-2009, 11:34 PM
Catching up on posts and saw this. Just want to say how sorry I am to hear about your mindees dad.

How is everyone doing now?

Sending big hugs to you all.

Carole x

Chatterbox Childcare
19-07-2009, 08:13 AM
Hope your son is now on speaking terms with you - he probably felt that he should have heard if from you but you did what you thought was right so don't beat yourself up about it.

19-07-2009, 04:12 PM
Hi, thanks again for all your replies. Yes son has now calmed down and managed to have quite a sensible conversation with him ( he's 8) about why I tried to protect him. Unfortunately, details have now emerged about mindees dad's circumstances that make the situation very complicated. Without saying too much on an open forum, I have been 'shut out' to a certain extent by mindees mum as it appears mindees are totally unaware of exactly how their dad died. Very awkward situation. I have written to mum offering full support etc and offered to have mindees on funeral day if they can't face it, but feel undecided about attending the funeral which is this week. Will update during the week.... xx

20-07-2009, 02:37 PM
I went through this about 5 years age, my mindees mum died and dad wasnt on the sceen, nana and grandad stepped in and took over and then moved the children 12 miles away to get away, the kids were a mess but coped in their own way, being there is all you can do xxx