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View Full Version : Mindee's mum has given notice but i think she's making a huge mistake (sorry-long)



Rainy
17-06-2009, 10:06 PM
I will give you a little bit of background info first.

I met a lovely lady at my DS school 6 years ago and my DS was good friends with her DS. We have had a really good friendship ever since. She became pregnant with her second DS and she asked me if i would look after him.

At the time i wasn't a childminder but thought it would be a nice job to get into so i done all the relevant training etc and began caring for her son when he was five months old.

Things have always worked well between us and have never let our friendship interfere with our business relationship.

Jump forward 5 years. Mindee started school last September and obviously the amount of hours i had him were reduced to before and after school. This has still worked well for us.

My friend has a younger sister who looks after her older DS before and after school and has done for years (she is not a registered childminder) but from September he will be at secondary school and she will no longer need her sister (who she pays) to care for him. so the sister decided that to replace the older one she would look after the younger DS (my mindee) so she was still earning a bit of money (can't believe she charges to care for her nephew but that is a another story)

Anyway the problem is her sister has a drinking problem. I wouldn't go as far as saying she was a alchoholic but once she starts drinking she doesn't know when to stop and has, on a number of ocassions turned up at the school drunk. I have begged and pleaded with my friend not to send him to her sister because i don't think he will be safe but she didn't feel she could say no to her sister. We have had numerous conversations about this and she has told me many times how her sister was drunk when she would arrive to pick up her older DS. My mindee is not yet 5 years old and can be a bit of a handful and i am terrified she will not be in a fit state to care for him properly. They walk home from school so he could easily run into the road and she probably wouldn't even notice. When she drinks she becomes very aggressive and basically crashes out after a while leaving her own 3 kids to fend for themselves (the youngest one only being 15 months old)

I have asked my friend to think very carefully about this and to put the welfare of her DS first before her sisters feelings but today she turned up with my notice letter. I feel like i have failed and i know i will spend the whole time worrying when he is picked up from school by her.

Sometimes i feel like i want to report her to the school for turning up drunk but then they would get social services involved and my friend would know that it was me who complained because i go on about it so much. I think her sister is a disgrace and shouldn't be in charge of her own kids let alone somebody elses when she's been drinking.

Sorry for rambling on for so long. I don't think our friendship is going to cope with this, i am so dissappointed with her for putting her sisters feelings over her sons welfare. I feel like i have not only lost my mindee but also my best friend.

Pipsqueak
17-06-2009, 10:09 PM
How awful for you and potentially worrying.
Sadly there is nothing you can do really, apart from try to keep the lines of communciation open for the friend to come back to.

angeldelight
17-06-2009, 10:12 PM
I understand your concerns and I think you are a good friend to your friend

I think your friend is being loyal to her sister and prob does not really want to admit all the things that you are saying about her - she is her sister after all

I also understand that you are upset

Personally though I would take a step back now

You have tried and your friend is not listening to you so you have to let her do what she sees fit - even if it is the wrong move

I do think though that if your friends sister has all these problems then I can not see the little boy lasting long with her

I think my main concern here would be for the safety of the children - you have to do what is right here

I think your friend is really going to need your support and friendship so dont give up on her just yet

She loves her sister and at the moment feels that she is doing the right thing

She is going to need you though I feel

Angel xx

Blaze
17-06-2009, 10:17 PM
Now this is where some people would call me harsh....but the way I see it it is a simple safeguarding issue...I would report the sister to SS for being drunk whilst in charge of minors...end of! I could never forgive myself if something happened to either her 3 kids or the mindee, because I failed to act (ie report)...the thought of a 15 month old being cared for by 2 older kids fills me with horror!:eek:

angeldelight
17-06-2009, 10:19 PM
Now this is where some people would call me harsh....but the way I see it it is a simple safeguarding issue...I would report the sister to SS for being drunk whilst in charge of minors...end of! I could never forgive myself if something happened to either her 3 kids or the mindee, because I failed to act (ie report)...the thought of a 15 month old being cared for by 2 older kids fills me with horror!:eek:

I guess though that if this is the case it will not take long for her to be reported anyway

I can not see something like this going unnoticed - well I hope not anyway

Angel xx

Blaze
17-06-2009, 10:21 PM
Itseems though that it has gone unoticed if she has been caring for the elder brother for years IYSWIM?

angeldelight
17-06-2009, 10:23 PM
Itseems though that it has gone unoticed if she has been caring for the elder brother for years IYSWIM?

Oh yes just read it back

Well if she was turning up drunk to school why is no one reporting this ? I just can not believe if this has been going on for years that no one has reported her
Are the children neglected ?

Angel xx

Blaze
17-06-2009, 10:26 PM
Oh yes just read it back

Well if she was turning up drunk to school why is no one reporting this ? I just can not believe if this has been going on for years that no one has reported her
Are the children neglected ?

Angel xx

At our local schools we don't see the teachers or any staff at collection time...& all the parent's are in their own little cliques...so if it the same there then it's possible the only person that has talked to her/paid any notice of the sister is the OP...?

angeldelight
17-06-2009, 10:28 PM
At our local schools we don't see the teachers or any staff at collection time...& all the parent's are in their own little cliques...so if it the same there then it's possible the only person that has talked to her/paid any notice of the sister is the OP...?

Oh now at our school the head walks around saying hello to everyone - nothing gets past him ha ha

Yeah I see what you mean though if the school is like yours

Its not good anyway is it poor kids

Angel xx

Rainy
17-06-2009, 10:40 PM
Thankyou for your replies.

In the junior part of the school we do not see the teachers. Her eldest daughter goes to secondary and her middle one is in Juniors so the teachers do not see her. When she picks up mindee from infants she will see teachers but not really close enough for them to realise she is drunk.

She is really aggressive when drunk and a lot of people including her friends and sister ( i think) are scared of her so no one will say anything. I have told her myself that she stinks of booze and shouldn't be in the school like that but she just started mouthing off so i walked away.

She is actually quite a nice person when sober although a bit loud, but awful when drunk which is more often than not.

I heard she had a row with another mother the other day when she was drunk and there was a lot of swearing going on in the school grounds but most of the mothers and children had left by this point so not many witnesses. Don't know if the other women complained tho.

Blaze
17-06-2009, 10:45 PM
I really think you have no option but to report her to SS...you can mention the incident with the other mother ...they won't know it's you...especially if there has recently been an incedent...personally in this instance I wouldn't care if they knew it was me who reported her! As I have said before...could you live with yourself if something happened to one of the LO's?:(

Blaze
17-06-2009, 10:46 PM
PS You are actually doing all a favour by reporting it...even the sister...it may force her to face up to her problem & get the help needed.:)

Pedagog
17-06-2009, 10:56 PM
I would phone Social Services for advice, they will almost certainly want you to report her.

Cazz
17-06-2009, 10:56 PM
I think it's a really difficult situation but I'm with Blaze on this - I couldn't help but think about what could happen to the children.

Whatever you decide to do though please don't turn your back on your friend as she'll probably need you to help pick up the pieces. It's just a shame that she's going to uproot her son when he's settled with you after all this time and then will quite probably end up coming back to you (hopefully).

Good luck and let us know how it all turns out.

Carole x

Rainy
17-06-2009, 10:58 PM
MY friend told me she has spoken to her sister about the drinking and asked her not to drink on the days she would look after her DS and her sister agreed. To be honest i don't think she did say it because she wouldn't have to courage to speak to her sister like that and she only said it to me for my benefit so i wouldn't worry.

My friend is terrified of her sister although she won't admit it. Every time they have a family gathering her sister kicks off about something and one time even spat in my friends face.

If my sister done that to me i probably wouldn't speak to her again.

Maybe i will make a point of letting other people know at school when she turns up drunk and they will go and report her.

Pedagog
17-06-2009, 11:10 PM
Maybe i will make a point of letting other people know at school when she turns up drunk and they will go and report her.

Problem then is that it will just get back to your friend that you are a gossip.

Cazz
17-06-2009, 11:12 PM
MY friend told me she has spoken to her sister about the drinking and asked her not to drink on the days she would look after her DS and her sister agreed. To be honest i don't think she did say it because she wouldn't have to courage to speak to her sister like that and she only said it to me for my benefit so i wouldn't worry.

My friend is terrified of her sister although she won't admit it. Every time they have a family gathering her sister kicks off about something and one time even spat in my friends face.

If my sister done that to me i probably wouldn't speak to her again.

Maybe i will make a point of letting other people know at school when she turns up drunk and they will go and report her.

That's one way - isn't there a teacher that you could approach and ask them to keep an eye on her? Say something along the lines that you just feel concerned when you see her with the children some days - you don't have to mention the drinking, they should be able to see that for themselves. Surely if they are releasing a pupil to someone who is noticably drunk they have a duty as professionals to report her?

I just can't understand why, if your friend is that scared of her sister, she would leave her small child with her who could also become terrified. My kids come before anyone and anything and I would rather turn my back on an adult family member than expose one of them to a possibly dangerous situation!

Hope this all works out well.

Carole x

Rainy
17-06-2009, 11:22 PM
That's one way - isn't there a teacher that you could approach and ask them to keep an eye on her? Say something along the lines that you just feel concerned when you see her with the children some days - you don't have to mention the drinking, they should be able to see that for themselves. Surely if they are releasing a pupil to someone who is noticably drunk they have a duty as professionals to report her?

I just can't understand why, if your friend is that scared of her sister, she would leave her small child with her who could also become terrified. My kids come before anyone and anything and I would rather turn my back on an adult family member than expose one of them to a possibly dangerous situation!

Hope this all works out well.

Carole x


Thats the thing though, she couldn't pluck up the courage to tell her sister that he would stay with me. She knew her sister would have a go at her. She actually agrees with me but couldn't say no to her sister. Her sister only wants to look after him so bad because she is a bit hard up and wants the money to buy alchohol. I really don't think my friend is actually doing her sister any favours

One of the teachers is aware of the situation but has yet to witness it herself. At the moment the sister only comes up the school occasionaly as she lets her 8 year old walk home alone but she will be up there more often when she picks mindee up

Blaze
18-06-2009, 12:04 AM
I can only reiterate again that I think you should report the sister to SS...I don't think passing the buck to other's in the playground / the teacher is enough...what if they pass the buck too & hope that someone else has the courage to do the right (though I admit) hard thing.

angeldelight
18-06-2009, 06:56 AM
I just can not understand why your friend is being so loyal to her sister this is not helping her at all

Is your friend scared of her sister ?

At first I thought she was just being really loyal and trying to help her sister but the more I read about how her sister is the more I think it is not right

I dont think you get leave this though and think you may have to report it or make someone else aware of it so its not left to you to do it

Good luck let us know what happens

Angel xx

Pedagog
18-06-2009, 06:57 AM
I can only reiterate again that I think you should report the sister to SS...I don't think passing the buck to other's in the playground / the teacher is enough...what if they pass the buck too & hope that someone else has the courage to do the right (though I admit) hard thing.

I have to agree.

Donkey
18-06-2009, 09:15 AM
I have to agree.

me too

you have a duty of care towards your mindee and you know he is not going to a safe environment...

example...

sister drunk out of head, locks door to keep kids in, falls asleep on settee, mindee gets matches and plays with them and sets fire to house.

door locked older ones can't find keys, house ablaze, cant wake up drunk person...

not really that far fetched!!! YOU need to report this NOW!
I can understand your reluctance but could you live with yourself if anything happened to them?

The Juggler
18-06-2009, 10:44 AM
I'm with Blaze. I think I would tell your friend, ok that's your decision but if see her with LO and she is drunk I will report her not out of spite but out of concern for your son. That way she'll know up front what you will do and won't have a go at you if/when you do it.

Only I understand how brave you need to be with the come back you can get from playground cliques if you did this but at the end of the day, safety comes first.

TheBTeam
18-06-2009, 12:02 PM
I'm with Blaze. I think I would tell your friend, ok that's your decision but if see her with LO and she is drunk I will report her not out of spite but out of concern for your son. That way she'll know up front what you will do and won't have a go at you if/when you do it.

Only I understand how brave you need to be with the come back you can get from playground cliques if you did this but at the end of the day, safety comes first.

I agree with this, whether in the situation i could do it or not, i am not sure tho. I really would like to think that i would, but i am a bit of a coward.

Blackhorse
18-06-2009, 12:15 PM
I am with Blaze on this one!
The children need you to speak up for them. They can't!!
And the sister won't for whatever the reason.
I am actually quite angry that a mother would let her child go to someone drunk. I know it is her sister, but your first duty must be to protect your own child I would say.

I know it is hard, but it will be better for everyone this way.
Her sister needs help and if she can get it then she will lead a better life (hopefully) and may again be able to look after her sisters child.

I think I personally would even tell your friend that I will report her sister and why. ( I am not saying you should do this, this is just what I think I would do)
In secret she might actually be glad about it even if she wouldn't admit it now.

rickysmiths
18-06-2009, 12:38 PM
This is really hard but what I wonder is the sister is putting on the pressure to have the mindee because she needs that bit of extra money to buy the boose? Having lost the older one she needs the younger one to keep the money coming in. If that is the case you friend is unintentionally feeding the habit.

I think Angel and Blaze are right and You are caught in the middle. Your friend is going to need a good friend when all this comes to a head isn't she so you need to keep the lines of communication open.

If there has been another incident in the playground with other mums, do you know who and could you have a chat with that mum and the school to see if any help can be got?

The other thing is if the sisters youngest is only 15mths then there must be a Health Visitor do you know them? Could you have a chat with her?

What a hard position to be in. I'm sure it will work itself out. Take care of yourself.

Rainy
18-06-2009, 12:46 PM
Thankyou for all your advice. I actually agree with what you are all saying but i am in a really difficult position.

I have been speaking to my friend about this for about 2 months now and voiced my concerns time and time again. She is petrified of her sister (who is actualy a bully) although she won't admit it.

There have been occasions when i have collected him from school and she has asked me to pass him on to her sister to take home as she was going round there after work. One time it was her sisters birthday and i knew she would be drunk, i told my friend if she was drunk i would not be passing him over, she said ok but knew she would then have a massive row with her sister. On that day she was out of her head but she also had a friend with her who i know and so does my friend and she was sober. I agreed mindee could go as long as this other woman took care of him. I told my friend if the other person hadn't have been there i would not have let him go.

My friend says she completely understands what i am saying but feels that she is not in a position to say no to her sister. I told her i would never trust her sister to look after my DS and he is 6 years older than mindee.

I have gone on about this until i am blue in the face but it has got me nowhere. I am so dissappointed in her for putting her DS as risk.

I think i will tell her that if i see her sister in the school collecting mindee when she is drunk then i will report her and then the teachers will not allow the children to leave.

Her sister works nights in a care home a couple of nights a week and doesn't drink those days but the day after when she drinks she is also very tired so it goes straight to her head. She has a wide circle of friends who all drink (but in moderation) round to her house quite regually after school and i know of two occassions when someone else has had to stay there after everyone else has left to care for her kids as she has passed out. Her older children are often embarrassed by her behaviour and i have heard them say "please mummy stop it it's embarrassing".

I am really worried for my mindee and i have told my friend this. She does pay her sister for childcare but it would be quite a bit cheaper then what she pays me. I asked her if she thought her DS welfare was less important than a few quid a week.

As i have said before, she will not start caring for him until Sept so i will hang fire until then. I will see what she is like when she is up the school and go from there.

Thankyou for all your support.

vix84
18-06-2009, 01:11 PM
Thankyou for all your advice. I actually agree with what you are all saying but i am in a really difficult position.

I have been speaking to my friend about this for about 2 months now and voiced my concerns time and time again. She is petrified of her sister (who is actualy a bully) although she won't admit it.

There have been occasions when i have collected him from school and she has asked me to pass him on to her sister to take home as she was going round there after work. One time it was her sisters birthday and i knew she would be drunk, i told my friend if she was drunk i would not be passing him over, she said ok but knew she would then have a massive row with her sister. On that day she was out of her head but she also had a friend with her who i know and so does my friend and she was sober. I agreed mindee could go as long as this other woman took care of him. I told my friend if the other person hadn't have been there i would not have let him go.

My friend says she completely understands what i am saying but feels that she is not in a position to say no to her sister. I told her i would never trust her sister to look after my DS and he is 6 years older than mindee.

I have gone on about this until i am blue in the face but it has got me nowhere. I am so dissappointed in her for putting her DS as risk.

I think i will tell her that if i see her sister in the school collecting mindee when she is drunk then i will report her and then the teachers will not allow the children to leave.

Her sister works nights in a care home a couple of nights a week and doesn't drink those days but the day after when she drinks she is also very tired so it goes straight to her head. She has a wide circle of friends who all drink (but in moderation) round to her house quite regually after school and i know of two occassions when someone else has had to stay there after everyone else has left to care for her kids as she has passed out. Her older children are often embarrassed by her behaviour and i have heard them say "please mummy stop it it's embarrassing".

I am really worried for my mindee and i have told my friend this. She does pay her sister for childcare but it would be quite a bit cheaper then what she pays me. I asked her if she thought her DS welfare was less important than a few quid a week.

As i have said before, she will not start caring for him until Sept so i will hang fire until then. I will see what she is like when she is up the school and go from there.

Thankyou for all your support.

The more you tell us about incidents etc. the more it seems like you should be reporting to SS and also to Ofsted. So if you have a Mindee who you are handing over, you have a duty of safeguarding that child, and I would be really uncomfortable about handing over to a person who is drunk, even if there is a friend there who is sober. I would be ringing my local early years team for advice or SS as Im not sure where you stand on legally having to report her as you are a Childminder ifuswim.

Can you tell the friend that as a Childminder you have a responsibility to report the mum if your mindee will go there? And you should also ring Ofsted to inform them that the aunt is working as a CM illegally as she is getting paid for it.


Sorry if thats not the sort of advice you are looking for, and others please correct me if I am wrong, but Im pretty sure you have a duty to report:(

nannymcflea
18-06-2009, 01:13 PM
[There have been occasions when i have collected him from school and she has asked me to pass him on to her sister to take home as she was going round there after work. One time it was her sisters birthday and i knew she would be drunk, i told my friend if she was drunk i would not be passing him over, she said ok but knew she would then have a massive row with her sister. On that day she was out of her head but she also had a friend with her who i know and so does my friend and she was sober. I agreed mindee could go as long as this other woman took care of him. I told my friend if the other person hadn't have been there i would not have let him go.]

Was this other person on the list for collection, if not and something had happened to that child I'm not sure where you would have stood because legally you handed over a child to a person under the influence of alcohol.

I think it's time something was done no matter how hard or awkward it is between you and your friend.It's going to be difficult but you obviously have the childs best interests at heart. Personally I think she will catch herself out and not turn up a few times to pick him up but why should the child have to suffer in the mean time?

Good luck, it's a difficult position to be in.

Rainy
18-06-2009, 01:16 PM
This is really hard but what I wonder is the sister is putting on the pressure to have the mindee because she needs that bit of extra money to buy the boose? Having lost the older one she needs the younger one to keep the money coming in. If that is the case you friend is unintentionally feeding the habit.

This is exactly what i think is happening. Over the last 4 1/2 years she has probably babysat him only twice and doesn't really do anything for him. Now it seems she wants to look after him because he's her nephew.

Well he has been her nephew for 4 1/2 years so why the sudden change. The only thing it could be is that she wants the money.

He is a lovely boy when he is in my care and really well behaved but his behaviour changes big time when his mum is present and he is then very hard work. He will have massive temper tantrums and cries about everything. He will kick out at anything and everthing that gets in his way. If he acts like that when he is with the sister there is no way she will cope with it.

Deb
18-06-2009, 01:19 PM
Hang on a minute, stop thinking about yourself and your friend - stop thinking about how this all affects you. Think about the children involved here and get the woman reported or at least ring your safeguarding advisory service and get some proper advice. You dont have a choice it is your duty of care. FGS grow a back bone and just ring up.

No it's not easy or pleasant and yes ss will get involved, as they rightly should. But it's not your fault, you're not the one drunk in charge of children.

You might lose a friend over this but ateotd Children Come First - Victoria Climbie and Baby Peter died because everyone passed the buck and thought someone else would notice. Victoria's childminder was the only one but it was too late. Dont wait. Just do it.

The Juggler
18-06-2009, 01:44 PM
FGS grow a back bone and just ring up.

No it's not easy or pleasant and yes ss will get involved, as they rightly should. But it's not your fault, you're not the one drunk in charge of children.

You might lose a friend over this but ateotd Children Come First - Victoria Climbie and Baby Peter died because everyone passed the buck and thought someone else would notice. Victoria's childminder was the only one but it was too late. Dont wait. Just do it.



Good advice, but bit harshly said don't you think!

Blaze
18-06-2009, 01:48 PM
While you hand fire till September & wait for the sister to turn up drunk...what about the sister's 3 kid's that are being left to fend for themselves?

I appreciate you are reluctant to do it...but we ALL have a duty to safeguard ALL children in our society! You need to involve SS

Blaze
18-06-2009, 01:49 PM
Good advice, but bit harshly said don't you think!

A bit yes, but I think Debs is frustrated by the OP.

Curly Quavers
18-06-2009, 01:59 PM
I can only reiterate again that I think you should report the sister to SS...I don't think passing the buck to other's in the playground / the teacher is enough...what if they pass the buck too & hope that someone else has the courage to do the right (though I admit) hard thing.


I agree 100% you have got to be brave :)

Curly Quavers
18-06-2009, 02:01 PM
Hang on a minute, stop thinking about yourself and your friend - stop thinking about how this all affects you. Think about the children involved here and get the woman reported or at least ring your safeguarding advisory service and get some proper advice. You dont have a choice it is your duty of care. FGS grow a back bone and just ring up.

No it's not easy or pleasant and yes ss will get involved, as they rightly should. But it's not your fault, you're not the one drunk in charge of children.

You might lose a friend over this but ateotd Children Come First - Victoria Climbie and Baby Peter died because everyone passed the buck and thought someone else would notice. Victoria's childminder was the only one but it was too late. Dont wait. Just do it.


I also agree 100%

You really can not wait for somebody else to do the dirty work and report her. Just pick up your phone
x

The Juggler
18-06-2009, 03:15 PM
A bit yes, but I think Debs is frustrated by the OP.



More I've read this thread, I agree, not just your mindee who needs protecting but her own children and no point waiting until next time if she has people in there drinking regularly after school.

I would report this anonymously too if this were me and now.

Rainy
18-06-2009, 03:57 PM
Hang on a minute, stop thinking about yourself and your friend - stop thinking about how this all affects you. Think about the children involved here and get the woman reported or at least ring your safeguarding advisory service and get some proper advice. You dont have a choice it is your duty of care. FGS grow a back bone and just ring up.

No it's not easy or pleasant and yes ss will get involved, as they rightly should. But it's not your fault, you're not the one drunk in charge of children.

You might lose a friend over this but ateotd Children Come First - Victoria Climbie and Baby Peter died because everyone passed the buck and thought someone else would notice. Victoria's childminder was the only one but it was too late. Dont wait. Just do it.

I have a back bone thankyou very much otherwise i wouldn't have spent the last two months upsetting my friend by telling her that her sisiter is not fit to care for her DS. I posted on here to get advice, not get slagged off.

I agree that the child should come first and that is exactly what i have been trying to do. I have even spoken to my friends mother about it as she is aware how much her daughter drinks.

I have not sat back and let this happen without saying something. I have even told my friend i will care for her DS for free if it was a money issue but really it all boils down to the fact that she can't say no to her sister.

I will take your comments on board but i have to say that i found your post quite offensive. I am not the bad guy here and i came on here hoping to get some friendly advice. I have decided to ring the safeguarding advisory service so i will see what they suggest.

The Juggler
18-06-2009, 04:35 PM
Can't imagine how hard the situation is for you. Good for you for tackling mum, her mum and making the decision you have. Let us know how you get on.

Am sure everyone meant to be supportive rather than critical. Sometimes in writing things seem really harsh.

Good luck. Let us know how you get on.

Rainy
18-06-2009, 04:46 PM
Can't imagine how hard the situation is for you. Good for you for tackling mum, her mum and making the decision you have. Let us know how you get on.

Am sure everyone meant to be supportive rather than critical. Sometimes in writing things seem really harsh.

Good luck. Let us know how you get on.


Thankyou

i just felt like i was being blamed for this situation. Believe me i have thought of nothing else for weeks and this has had me in tears.

I've got to go out now to take my DS to piano lesson so will be back later.

Blaze
18-06-2009, 05:00 PM
Can't imagine how hard the situation is for you. Good for you for tackling mum, her mum and making the decision you have. Let us know how you get on.

Am sure everyone meant to be supportive rather than critical. Sometimes in writing things seem really harsh.

Good luck. Let us know how you get on.

Well said...we are trying to offer support & we DO understand you're in a tough situation...& we will continue to offer support.

PS Glad you have decided to contact the local safeguarding team.:thumbsup: :clapping: Well done!

FizzysFriends
18-06-2009, 05:10 PM
I have nothing to add expect we are all behind you and here to support you, it must be a really tough situation to be in.

Curly Quavers
18-06-2009, 05:20 PM
I have a back bone thankyou very much otherwise i wouldn't have spent the last two months upsetting my friend by telling her that her sister is not fit to care for her DS. I posted on here to get advice, not get slagged off.

I agree that the child should come first and that is exactly what i have been trying to do. I have even spoken to my friends mother about it as she is aware how much her daughter drinks.

I have not sat back and let this happen without saying something. I have even told my friend i will care for her DS for free if it was a money issue but really it all boils down to the fact that she can't say no to her sister.

I will take your comments on board but i have to say that i found your post quite offensive. I am not the bad guy here and i came on here hoping to get some friendly advice. I have decided to ring the safeguarding advisory service so i will see what they suggest.


Nobody is slagging anybody off.

However you have tried to be nice and get things sorted out without having to go to authorities and it has not worked I think you are doing the correct thing and calling the advisory service. :thumbsup: Well done

MissTinkerbell
18-06-2009, 05:51 PM
Well done for making that call - must have been hard but you really must put the children first.

Be there for your friend because although she might be intitially angry she will hopefully calm down when she realises you have done it for the right reasons and she will need the good support and friendship that you so obviously have.

wendywu
18-06-2009, 10:48 PM
A very horrid position to be in. YET AGAIN one of our members has to face personal turmoil because other professions, parents and EY providers fail to do their jobs. Why is it always the lone minder who has to call the shots.:panic:

kelzunique
18-06-2009, 10:49 PM
Having just read this topic from start to finsih i am SO happy that u have decided to make the call.

Its duty of care - but i can only imagine what a difficult situation it is to be in.

Well done - you have all the support inthe world fro me! :clapping:

Pipsqueak
19-06-2009, 06:53 AM
I have a back bone thankyou very much otherwise i wouldn't have spent the last two months upsetting my friend by telling her that her sisiter is not fit to care for her DS. I posted on here to get advice, not get slagged off.

I agree that the child should come first and that is exactly what i have been trying to do. I have even spoken to my friends mother about it as she is aware how much her daughter drinks.

I have not sat back and let this happen without saying something. I have even told my friend i will care for her DS for free if it was a money issue but really it all boils down to the fact that she can't say no to her sister.

I will take your comments on board but i have to say that i found your post quite offensive. I am not the bad guy here and i came on here hoping to get some friendly advice. I have decided to ring the safeguarding advisory service so i will see what they suggest.


It sounds like you are doing so much to try to help out /support this mum and that is not an easy thing to do.
You are between a rock and a hard place - never an easy or nice pliace to be. I know the general consensus is to report but again that is not an easy thing to do.

Are there any helplines you could ring for professional advice - how about NSPCC or even NCMA.

You obviously do care very much or you wouldn't be on here trying to seek advice:clapping:

Well done on deciding to ring the SS for advice - that is not an easy step. Hope they can advise you xxx


Can I just add - I suppose we all still have this thing that if we talk to SS then they rush in where Angels fear to tread and snatch the children away. They don't - they are there to help and advise us and to work with families to make things better in the long term. SS don't consider removing children the best option any more. Guess we need to have a little more faith in them. We can always talk to them anon as well. In the case of the OP - I reckon that they will offer advice and support to the family (mum and sister).

We all talk about Duty of Care and Responsibility as well - many of us will know that taking that first step and picking up the phone to 'report' or even just seek advice is one the the hardest and sometimes sickening things we ever have to do. We all know whats right and doing whats right is not always easy.