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View Full Version : Mum of my 8-weeker....



Buzz Lightyear
01-05-2009, 09:08 AM
... doesn't want me to take him outside my house.

He's only here for 5 hours on a Friday but she is so worried about me taking him out as she says he's not safe and wants me to stop in with him each time he comes.

He has autism and is only 3.5yrs old but he's is a lovely little boy when he gets his own way but when he doesn't.... well, I will let you imagine the rest.

Yesterday, I met my friend at a childs soft play with my daughter and S was there with his Mum and told my friend. All hell was breaking loose because his Mum said no about something and my friend said, "oh no, that's not him is it?" and of course, it was!

I dont mind so much when the weather is pants but the sun is just coming out and thought it would be nice to go to the park but she specifically said no this morning :(

So I've caved and put the tv on for him as he was going nuts. He's very happy now but feel like such a bad childminder :blush:

FizzysFriends
01-05-2009, 09:15 AM
Can he play in the garden?

Buzz Lightyear
01-05-2009, 09:20 AM
Mum said no :( Dont see why not, I am totally enclosed, he can't get anywhere, no-one can get round the back - dont really know why the answer was no

sue m
01-05-2009, 09:23 AM
She's over-protective probably isn't she. I'd ask her why he can't even play in the garden where it's safe. She has to give you reasons, you shouldn't have to stay indoors, specially in this weather x

FizzysFriends
01-05-2009, 09:23 AM
I would tell her thats its a requirement that children are given the freedom to do outside on a daily basis and show her the garden and ask her concerns so that you can address them?

hectors house
01-05-2009, 09:25 AM
Surely she understands that you do what you want and need to do - otherwise if we met the needs and routines of all children exactly as it is at home - we would never leave the house.

Maybe if she wants to be that much in control she should stay at home herself or employ a nanny! -

LittleMissSparkles
01-05-2009, 09:25 AM
do you care for other children as well as this little boy ?

its very difficult isnt it when parents are adamant about what they will and wil not allow their child to do

i personally think she is being hard on her lo and not letting him have new experiencs and learing new things and also shes not being fair to you either, why doesnt she use a nursery where they are mostly indoors all the time ? I d try and explain that as much as you will try to respect her wishes there will be times that you will be going out etc and that if she really has a major issue with this and you can afford to she needs to look for another suitable chidcare as you are unable to meet her individual needs

HTH

may sound a bit harsh but ive learnt the hard way xxx

Buzz Lightyear
01-05-2009, 09:30 AM
Mum doesn't work and S is simply coming to me for 8-weeks as she is on a training course to help her understand her sons condition. She has openly admitted she doesn't want to do this course as she doesn't like leaving her son even though he was perfectly 'fine' last week when he came.

She says he's a handfull when he's outside and even she has problems trying to control him and says I wouldn't be able to. He does tend to scream when he doesn't get his own way so think Mum is just worried - understandable really.

It's tough though.... I mean it's not exceptionally nice today up here, but a trip to the park would have been nice. Luckily, I have no other mindees today, just him until 1pm. Guess I shouldn't moan, it's already 10.30!

youarewhatyoueat
01-05-2009, 09:44 AM
Unfortunately I think you have to respect her request, she is obviously very worried and trying to do the right thing.May be when she has been on the course she may like to work with you to try to change the situation. Personally There is no way I would be able to keep my children inside they would be climbing the walls after a few hours, I'm sure this course should help her to realise a coping strategy for them both, perhaps you could ask her what ideas they come up with and ask to photocopy any work she has from the course, may be she just needs a bit of time to build up a relationship and trust you.
Hope you survive the 8 weeks, i'm sure you'll be fine
Caroline

LittleMissSparkles
01-05-2009, 09:45 AM
Im not sure what to suggest Ellie but it's just 8 weeks, may be a long 8 weeks but 8 weeks all the same sending you love xxx

rickysmiths
01-05-2009, 09:59 AM
I can understand her worry about you going away from your house with him but he should be able to use your whole house including the garden.

I'm not being funny but do you have any previous experience of looking after Autistic children?

On of the chacteristics of Autism is that the child needs a routine. Not routine in the sense that we may use but absolute routine.

For example I looked after a little boy, he had been with me since he was 12 weeks old, he came to my house every week day afternoon and was as happy as larry. Mum asked if I could have him one Sat am as a one off. He arrived (we didn't know he was Autistic at this point) he was fine for about ten mins and then he stood in the corner of my kitchen and screamed for the rest of the time (about 3hrs ) Nothing any of us could do would calm him. It was a very upsetting experience for both families.

Once he was diagnosed, within a few months of this episode, we realised he had cried because although he was in a 'familiar' place because he knew that it was not the 'place' he should be in on this day (he was only just 3yrs old)
he was out of his routine.

The fact you saw him with his mum at the soft play when she doesn't want you to take him out may seem hard. She has probably had to work very hard to get him to feel comfortable with going to new places. I know for instance with my little boy, it was a huge step to go on holiday and stay in a hotel and they had to visit first, then stay one night before they dared to book a week away.

His mum had a story board which she went through with him evey morning. It had pictures of all the places he would be going, the people he would be meeting and the things he would be doing. That is how routine dependant they can be.

Maybe you need to invite the parents round for a discussion about the child and his needs and about how you can best meet them in your setting.

Buzz Lightyear
01-05-2009, 10:02 AM
Hi, no I have no experience, this is all very new for me. I have been offered some training but by the time it's completed, S would have left me so not sure whether it's worth it? Mum was desperate and looked into childcare through my network co-ordinator. There was no-one in my area willing to take him on but me, experience or not.


Mum says S has no routine whatsoever and does what HE wants to do. Even she has problems trying to get him to eat at meal times and said he will eat when he wants to. He is 3.5, almost 4. He doesn't go to any nursery or playgroup or anything. He is also Polish and speaks no English.

Pipsqueak
01-05-2009, 10:10 AM
Wow, a toughie, I think that you need to argue the point that the EYFS says that children need the chance to explore and be outside. I think that if there is a major disagreement here about what Mum wants you to do and what you can/can't do then you may need to terminate the contract.

I understand the Mums thoughts and protectiveness but it sounds like she doesn't want to allow him the freedom whilst imposing parental restrictions - ie a necessary routine and she doesn't want to do the course to help her understand her son and his condition.

If you have other children in your care at the same time as him - you cannot deny them the opportunity of being outside or out and about - you will not be fulfilling your duties to the majority.


Perhaps you could suggest doing up a risk assessment together for your garden so you are involving her and letting her see that you are taking her concerns seriously and her sons welfare

sarah707
01-05-2009, 10:36 AM
You are not failing to let a child watch TV if you are following the parents wishes.

However you do have to let the children go outside if that's what they want to do.

Perhaps the mum feels that because she struggles to control him you will too..?

Maybe she needs reassurance.

wendywu
01-05-2009, 11:00 AM
I would not do it if it was going to impact on the outings of other mindees.

I suppose it depends on how much you want the money. Just hope it does not go up to 35 degrees over the next two months.:laughing:

TheBTeam
01-05-2009, 11:18 AM
I can not understand why the mum is differentiating between him coming to your house, but not your garden, if your garden is a safe child friendly garden then i would point out to mum that children are as comfortable in this type of garden as they would be in the house, and that any difficulties with his behaviour will be no different inside or out.

I also would if you have other children explain that they need to be outside sometimes and lo is safer outside with the group than indoors on own! If she doesn't want you taking on others if you don't currently have any then she would have to pay for all the spaces.

The fact that she doesn't want to learn about her sons condition makes me think that she wants him too herself and because she knows her son she is not interested in learning about autism in general or strategies for dealing with it. She wants to just be his mum and to keep him isolated away with her, this as we know isn't the best way and she should trust your judgement as a professional to deal with him as we do any child in any situation.

I would do the course on autism anyway, i have done courses on a variety of conditions and they give you a feel for them and strategies to use, it will help you make informed decisions on caring for the children as individuals too if the trainer knows their stuff.

Pedagog
01-05-2009, 11:51 AM
I can understand why she wouldn't want to put the extra pressure on you of having him outside, my Autistic son can and could climb for England, at 14 months he got to the top of an 8 foot fence in seconds, and I was in the garden next to him.

If TV is his thing then go with it.

estrelas
01-05-2009, 12:35 PM
Hello

i have no advice sorry, this really is a toughy. Its not so bad as its a short term thing. Could it lead into more? Maybe try and do the course anyway? Might be good to have especially if others in your area aren't willing to take children with autism.

Hope you work it out, xx

Buzz Lightyear
01-05-2009, 01:00 PM
Definitely wont lead to more no and to be honest, I wouldn't really like him (sorry if that sounds rude) but he frightens my DD with his screaming :( and my family comes first x

Pedagog
01-05-2009, 01:54 PM
Definitely wont lead to more no and to be honest, I wouldn't really like him (sorry if that sounds rude) but he frightens my DD with his screaming :( and my family comes first x

Such a shame.

I'm sure once the poor little mite had settled in to his routine he would stop screaming, or at least not scream as much.

Demonjill
01-05-2009, 02:07 PM
Hi I used to do alot of work with the RDA and lots of kids with various disabilities including autism etc and tbh the kids were usually fine it was some of the parents that were a nightmare. They would have their kids wrapped in cotton wool and tell you exactly what they wanted you to do and say and i thought "fair enough" they know their kids best. But some of them used to believe they had the monopoly on their kid being good or acheiving and couldnt handle it if you managed to get the child progressing and behaving well etc it was like a jealousy!! Other parents were fab and took the time i was teaching their kids as time out for them and a chance for a cuppa which is supposed to be the idea for the carers that myself and assistants would look after their children for half an hour or so so they could have some me time. These were the parents who thanked you because they know more than anyone how hard work and challenging it can be even for that half hour. I was always shattered after 2 or 3 short sessions with these kids lol so :thumbsup: well done those of you who care for these children 24/7.
Sorry if i have gone off topic a little:blush:

sue
01-05-2009, 07:59 PM
Surely she understands that you do what you want and need to do - otherwise if we met the needs and routines of all children exactly as it is at home - we would never leave the house.

Maybe if she wants to be that much in control she should stay at home herself or employ a nanny! -


my thoughts tooooooooooooo:panic:

Buzz Lightyear
01-05-2009, 08:11 PM
my thoughts tooooooooooooo:panic:

Just to clarify, Mum doesn't work and is simply on a training course which she is being forced to do to understand her sons condition.

Pedagog
01-05-2009, 08:31 PM
Is it the Early Bird course?

Pipsqueak
01-05-2009, 08:32 PM
Just to clarify, Mum doesn't work and is simply on a training course which she is being forced to do to understand her sons condition.

Who is forcing her to do it? They generally only 'force' someone into doing something like this when they are concerned about parenting skills. Sadly, by the sound of her attitude she will learn nothing because she has already made her mind up about her child.

How did you get this parent? Is it a referral from a health visitor or social services or the training course?

If you have no other children while you have her son - I would perhaps (for the 8 weeks) go along with it BUT write it down as a concern and let her know you are doing so - get her to sign it. Try to figure out a plan so that you can take him into your garden at least - if she still refuses then write that down too. You could 'hint' that you may have to take further advice from a health professional or social services due to your obligations under the EYFS.

If you have other kids - then I would refuse point blank to go along with these wishes

Buzz Lightyear
01-05-2009, 08:36 PM
No thankfully I just have my own daughter on the day he comes as I've managed to shuffle round a mindee for 8 weeks as I didn't want them being together.

It was a referal from our EY Team, think Mum had been advised to go on this course and then came back with the excuse of she couldn't because of childcare, so the training folks got in touch with my network coordinator who in turn, called round all minders in our area. Non would take it on and I was the only one who gave her a chance.

For the sake of eight weeks, stopping in in the morning is fine, DD and I generally go out in the afternoons anyway once we are mindee free although from May, that will change when I start with an almost full-timer so will obviously have to re-assess as S is with me until 10th July as it's not 8 weeks consecutively.

Hebs
01-05-2009, 08:43 PM
I can understand why she wouldn't want to put the extra pressure on you of having him outside, my Autistic son can and could climb for England, at 14 months he got to the top of an 8 foot fence in seconds, and I was in the garden next to him.

If TV is his thing then go with it.

my son has ADHD and could climb a 30 ft tree in seconds

council bloke almost had a fit when i rang them to come and cut the tree down, they came out and there was Mark at the top of it (higher than the house BTW) tree came down the next day :laughing:

i would ask her why he can't go out in the garden, it is hard but i understand her concerns, my mum can't control my son sometimes and she's always been in his life

hugs hunni xx

Buzz Lightyear
01-05-2009, 08:46 PM
I think I understand what her concern is. S tends to have a screaming fit when he doesn't get his own way and am wondering whether she thinks when it comes to coming back inside, he will go ape? Maybe it's more trouble for me than it's worth. He did manage to hit me last week when I said no to him. He came over and hit me right in the face - nice! :panic:

Hebs
01-05-2009, 08:47 PM
Who is forcing her to do it? They generally only 'force' someone into doing something like this when they are concerned about parenting skills.



unfortunatly it can be a hurdle to getting him further help :(

i've had to do one even though my son's psychiatrist stated i have firm and consistant boundries for my son, and we share a very close bond which is evident.

however they refused to diagnose his ADHD until i'd wasted my time doing this course :mad:

Hebs
01-05-2009, 08:49 PM
I think I understand what her concern is. S tends to have a screaming fit when he doesn't get his own way and am wondering whether she thinks when it comes to coming back inside, he will go ape? Maybe it's more trouble for me than it's worth. He did manage to hit me last week when I said no to him. He came over and hit me right in the face - nice! :panic:

TBH hun i'm shocked they asked you to care for him, knowing you have no experience of this type of behaviour, and that you have your own LO to care for and ensure her safety, it's not fair on you at all.

maybe if it's not working out you need to rethink???

hope your ok xxx

Pipsqueak
01-05-2009, 10:24 PM
unfortunatly it can be a hurdle to getting him further help :(

i've had to do one even though my son's psychiatrist stated i have firm and consistant boundries for my son, and we share a very close bond which is evident.

however they refused to diagnose his ADHD until i'd wasted my time doing this course :mad:

sorry hebs - just realised my comment could be quite offensive or upsetting and I didn't mean it to be:blush: :blush: I did mean to add in what you have stated and in no way was I inferring that if you or anyone else is on or has been on because of your parenting skills or know how was lacking.
:blush:
I worked with a family a while back (through the EY team) - the mum refused to acknowledge her son needed extra help and had little basic understanding of parenting (didn't like to tell him no because it upset him and he would throw a wobbler etc) and it was an uphill slog tbh. The child (gorgeous little thing) would have progressed briilliantly if only she would have admitted that the whole family needed assistance. Mum was 'forced' to go on a parenting course first of and then one about her sons condition (can't remember what it was now)