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View Full Version : HELP!! What would you do?



scruff
10-03-2009, 10:41 AM
Hi, I have recently took on a 9 month old - he came to me for two mini sessions to start with and seemed absolutlely fine - very happy smiley baby. Didnt sleep much but put that down to the fact that he wasnt here long. Anyway he started last Monday and was here for 9 hours - he did nothing but scream at me - he only slept for 20 minutes in the morning and 30minutes in the afternoon. By the time he went home I was exhausted - the other children were all putting their fingers in their ears and saying tell him to stop screaming - i felt guilty as i had spent so much of my day trying to console the baby that i didnt really get chance to do anything with the other children. He came again last Tuesday for 4 hours and did exactly the same, on the Wednesday i sent him home at 11.30 as I had had enough. He was off ill yesterday and can back to me this morning - he has just spent since 9am screaming at me apart from sleeping for 20 minutes? I have never given up on a child before - but am seriously thinking about terminating his contract. Can i just terminate it with immediate effect? What would you do?

loocyloo
10-03-2009, 01:03 PM
sorry, no advice, just didn't want to 'read and run'!

i would say that maybe its all a bit new, and you are not mum and he is just letting you and the world know he isn't impressed!

hopefully someone will have some good ideas, i know there are a few on here with similar children.

big hug!
xxx

huggableshelly
10-03-2009, 01:10 PM
its all still pretty new to him and being so young it may take a while longer for him to settle.

what have you put in place for your contract?

normally for me I do a months contract where either party can terminate at any time if needed, this covers a child who doesnt settle, awkward partnerships between adults, late pickups without phonecalls or any other breech of contract issues. It also allows parents who are knew to leaving their children to get used to the idea and decide if its what they really want to do too.

I've not minded for a baby so I cant share any experiences with you but others have and will be in to offer support.

michellethegooner
10-03-2009, 01:12 PM
I personally would give it more time, I have had this with a few of mine, and you are so lucky this is a first for you. it DOES get easier, could you askmum to make a cd of her singing, ask her to bring you a piece of clothing that has her scent that he can snuggle, i do a photo collage with mum, dad grand parents who ever is key people in babies life print photos twice and laminate stick on wall (down low)for baby to look at and give other photo for them to explore, also asking parent what comforts child at home, does he like to go out in pram, what distracts him etc..

If you have no success and you still want to terminate at least you would have explored all avenues and at end of the day ALL the children have to have their needs met, only you will know whats right for you.

HTH

Bex1
10-03-2009, 01:15 PM
Maybe he is just taking a little while to settle down and perhaps missing his mummy more than anyone thought! Does his mum bring a comfort toy or anything that reminds him of smells from home, if not perhaps mummy could leave a tshirt with her smell on etc.

Sorry not much help but hope the little one settles down soon.

scruff
10-03-2009, 01:41 PM
Hi, thanks for all your comments so far. He does bring a teddy with him and a comfort blanket. The only time he stops screaming is when i pick him up and hold him. The parents are a young couple and ever since he was born as soon as he so much as wimpers they pick him up - he is so used to just being on his mums lap he just wont go down - he will not sit and play with the toys like the other children. Even if i sit next to him with a pile of musical toys and show him how to push the buttons he just claws at me to pick him up and constantly screams. In the five years I have childminded i have never had this problem before - the grandmother who collects him sometime has told the parents that they have to be stricter with him and not pick him up so much - the mum even lies with him at home to get him to go to sleep and obviously i cannot do this when i have the other children.

Princess Sara
10-03-2009, 01:44 PM
Could he be poorly or teething or something? If he was fine on the settling in but the next week he's screaming, maybe he's got a toother pushing through.

My 7 month old is a little Angel, never cried, then teething started and the poor little mite is crying all the time bless him.

Spangles
10-03-2009, 01:49 PM
You must all be so stressed out.

Poor little man could just take a little while to settle.

Have you talked to the mum about it, would be good to get her on your side and giving you some support.

Could you ask the family for some photos of them to have around and a familiar comfort item? Maybe some music that he finds comforting and familiar?

It's very hard and it is very stressful, I don't blame you if you eventually decide to give it up.

I would definitely talk about it to the mum though and see what she suggests.

x

vix84
10-03-2009, 01:50 PM
Have you tried going for a walk, going to a soft play centre?
My son is 8 and a half months and is fine with me, but a nightmare when left with others - he needs distracting all the time. He is ok if they keep him busy!
But Max is much beter if we are out and about.

It must be a shock for him - and you lol! Maybe set yourself a limit of 3 weeks - then you can see the light at the end of the tunnel ifbthere is no improvement

michellethegooner
10-03-2009, 01:51 PM
Hi, thanks for all your comments so far. He does bring a teddy with him and a comfort blanket. The only time he stops screaming is when i pick him up and hold him. The parents are a young couple and ever since he was born as soon as he so much as wimpers they pick him up - he is so used to just being on his mums lap he just wont go down - he will not sit and play with the toys like the other children. Even if i sit next to him with a pile of musical toys and show him how to push the buttons he just claws at me to pick him up and constantly screams. In the five years I have childminded i have never had this problem before - the grandmother who collects him sometime has told the parents that they have to be stricter with him and not pick him up so much - the mum even lies with him at home to get him to go to sleep and obviously i cannot do this when i have the other children.

wow are you sure it isnt my mindee :eek: my lo was exactly the same and I would sit on floor with him on my lap eventually moving him a bit further away from me. He used to lose his life if I even attempted to move away from him, but with time and lots of patience he now explores by himself :clapping:

rickysmiths
10-03-2009, 02:09 PM
I had one like this start with me last April. Similar, vey young parents who picked him up at the slightest murmer day or night! Also (he was 9mths) he slept with his parents not in a cot.

It took me a month to get him to a stage where it didn't cry at the drop of a hat. It took two weeks to get him to sleep in a cot.

I started by sleeping him in a buggy in the same room as me and to start I had to rock him to sleep.

I kept very close when he was playing and gradually moved further away.

Even nearly a year on he is not as independant as some and will sometimes burst into tears for no apparent reason but I think this is because his every whim is catered to at home and he is constantly entertained.

But he is a happy sole and is progressing beautifully so it is worth persevering
and it may take a few weeks or more.

You might want to have a chat with mum and reasure her. My little chaps mum was great and very suportive. I took lots of sad and happy photos so she could see how he was getting on. Even ones of him asleep-mum and dad have never got him to sleep in a cot! He just screams and screams so he sleeps with them.
Hope this helps.

Tracey1
10-03-2009, 02:28 PM
Hiya I have the same situation 4 months ago, took on a 9mth old boy, who was happy with his mum when he visited. But the moment I took him on he scream/cried all the time I had him, I couldn't leave the room without him, as when I thought he was settling I would go out the room, not that he couldn't see where I was going, but he would scream, bright red, so I would have to pick him up and take him where I was going, sometimes he would follow me screaming, I put up with it for 2 weeks, like you the kids here where fingers in the ears, saying oh know not that screaming baby again lol. I just had enough, so advice the parents what had been going on each time, didn't want to give up so early, thought just keep taking the tablets lol things will settle. Then one day he came to me, he was a total different boy, he cried when mum left, but after that nothing, and now I don't know that I have got him.

So I think it is always best to give it 2-4 weeks and hope that he settles, with babies there also could be some other reasons to why they are crying as well i.e teething, but in the end it came good.

Tracey

Mrs M
10-03-2009, 04:11 PM
Hi, thanks for all your comments so far. He does bring a teddy with him and a comfort blanket. The only time he stops screaming is when i pick him up and hold him. The parents are a young couple and ever since he was born as soon as he so much as wimpers they pick him up - he is so used to just being on his mums lap he just wont go down - he will not sit and play with the toys like the other children. Even if i sit next to him with a pile of musical toys and show him how to push the buttons he just claws at me to pick him up and constantly screams. In the five years I have childminded i have never had this problem before - the grandmother who collects him sometime has told the parents that they have to be stricter with him and not pick him up so much - the mum even lies with him at home to get him to go to sleep and obviously i cannot do this when i have the other children.

I had something very similar with one of my mindees. She screamed so much that my son just couldn't stand it. Mum sleeps with mindee each morning for nap!!! Anyway, she was around 9 or 10 months when this happened which coincided with the separation anxiety that a lot of children experience. She too was fine when I picked her up. Anyway, it passed and things are fine now. Son still doesn't like her for some reason but she's a happy child who loves coming to see me. Give it time if you possibly can and talk to mum as much as possible. Good luck.

scruff
10-03-2009, 04:30 PM
Many thanks for all your advice and replies so far. I have tried to talk to the parents about the fact that they have to let him cry sometimes and not just rush in and pick him up. The trouble is because he has always been held he will not sit by himself or crawl around and explore the toys. He just wants to sit on your lap with you cuddling him the whole time. Last wednesday when i sent him home early the grandmother could only cope with him for an hour and then had to get the mother to come home from work. Today I said right next to him and he just would not stop crying - he just wants to be held constantly. My kitchen is right next to the playroom and when i tried to move very slowly away from him to make myself a cup of tea he just screamed even louder. My neighbour can even hear him in her house and thats with all my windows shut!! The grandmother has told the parents that they have to be strict with him because otherwise he is going to be the same whereever he goes but she has told me that they just dont listen and rush to him all the time day or night. The mum told me this morning when she dropped him off that she has had an awful weekend with him and the dad said that they are trying to not sit with him all the time.

devoncm
10-03-2009, 04:48 PM
At least it looks like they are at least trying now, I had one like this last yr and it was awful, but the best thing i found for him was to sit him in the highchair and let him play with containers and such,he cried in beginning but i left him to it while busying myself round the rm as i new he was safe, in the end he loved it and i would put washing up bubbles on the tray for him or some shapes sometimes some bits of fruit-his mum was amazed that he didnt need picking up all the time!

scruff
10-03-2009, 05:45 PM
I have tried putting him in the highchair with finger snacks and he just throws it on the floor. I have also tried him in the highchair with various different toys or touchy feely bits and he just screams - i thought about doing this just so that i could do something with the other children but even this didnt work. Oh um decisions decisions!

uf353432
10-03-2009, 05:57 PM
9mths is a major separation anxiety milestone for most babies. I found with my own children wearing them closer is better than leaving them. Also find games like peekabo quite helpful as they can't see you but know you are there.

uf353432
10-03-2009, 05:57 PM
wondered also whether the child was bf or ff?

nannymcflea
10-03-2009, 06:11 PM
It is hard,it's a difficult age to be left,just when you are beggining to understand that you belong to mum and dad and difficult for you having to deal with the seperation anxiety.
I had 1 that would start up but was quite easy to calm and another that I struggled to settle. Both are now happy little chappies and walk in and wave to parents.
I did at one point ring another cm telling her I couldn't cope,she came round put kettle on and we let little one scream while i had a cuppa. I felt so bad about it but there was little I could do.
There's no fast answer, give it time,if you can,try not to be too hard on parents for Attatchment Parenting,it actually does make very sociable and confident children in the long run BUT is not so good for carers!
Good luck in what you choose.

peanuts
10-03-2009, 06:15 PM
i had one like that, not used to anyone else apart from parents. went on for about 9 months before he eventually settled all day. dad new he was like this and would just drop and run rather than drag out the hand over.

sammy
10-03-2009, 06:19 PM
Hi, thanks for all your comments so far. He does bring a teddy with him and a comfort blanket. The only time he stops screaming is when i pick him up and hold him. The parents are a young couple and ever since he was born as soon as he so much as wimpers they pick him up - he is so used to just being on his mums lap he just wont go down - he will not sit and play with the toys like the other children. Even if i sit next to him with a pile of musical toys and show him how to push the buttons he just claws at me to pick him up and constantly screams. In the five years I have childminded i have never had this problem before - the grandmother who collects him sometime has told the parents that they have to be stricter with him and not pick him up so much - the mum even lies with him at home to get him to go to sleep and obviously i cannot do this when i have the other children.

He sounds EXACTLY the same as the one ive got, to a tee!!!!!!!!! everything is the same, and i will tell you this - ive had my screamer for 8 months now, and although he doesnt scream ALL DAY, he winges off and on, he hates it when i move away from him when playing on the floor, he is not normal - honestly-there was no comforting him in the beginning - now though he will shut up if i pick him up.

So if it was me knowing what i know now - and if he is the same as the child i have now - RUN!! I have literally had 3 good days and thats yesterday, and 2 days last week. The thing is he crys/screams/winges so much that today his dirty nappy went un-noticed, as it didnt smell and was a teething nappy!! he was only in it for 20 mins as thats how long he was winging for. But all the crys etc sound the same, so if he was really ill i wouldnt be able to tell, unless he was showing other signs!

I did tell the mum just before xmas that its now become ridiculous and not fair on other children etc as one had started to make himself sick because of his crying, ive told her in a nice way that she needs to stop picking him up everytime he demands her, anyway it started to work but it seems to have gone back to the old ways as she now sleeps next to him in his room, which for some reason makes him worse when she gives in to him. (he was 6 months when i took him on!!) - Good luck, by the way i am very loving and caring towards him and he gets attention, ive even carried him in a sling to get some peace, but it still doesnt matter as when i put him down - wwahhhhhhhhhhhhggghhhh!!!

claireLouise
10-03-2009, 09:35 PM
Hi,

My youngest mindee - 10 months old - is exactly the same after 2 months she is now happy for me to leave her and change my duaghters nappy during the day. The p[roblem is the afternoon once I am busy so I need to put her in the paypen where she screams and screams... but things have got easier and with some patence I hope the siutuation will improve.

My problem also is aprents who can not bear to hear her cry and never oput her down.

Be patient things will get easier.

My oldest minbdee has got so used to the crying she csan completely block it out!

Claire