Help parent won't leave!

[S Stars]

Hello

Am hoping some one can help me! I've got a little one I look after and who goes home at 5pm. After school everyone has snack so about 3.45/4pm ish.
This lo is normally collected anytime between 4.30 and 5 and every day dad comes in and opens their 'snack bag' (lo comes with enough food to last a week!) and proceeds to sit on my hallway floor having a picnic!! 😡 Lo is 22 months old and asks for everything so it's lasts about 10-15 mins and consists of dad opening something lo takes it then says no, so something else is pulled out and opened and the pattern repeats.
I am getting so cross about it! Today lo wanted the orange so dad actually asked me to cut it up for him! I did say no because hubby was preparing dinner in the kitchen. But dad must have said about it 6 times!
I've tried keeping the bags out the way and handing it all to them at the door but he just steps in and puts it all down again! Lo isn't hungry because we've not long had snack it's just a habit now. They live a 5 min drive away.
Some days I've had to walk away and leave them in the hallway eating whilst I look after the other children in the play room.
I don't want to be rude but have had enough, has anyone got any advise on best way to deal with it!?

Sorry for long post!!

[moggy]

No way would I put up with that, never heard anything like it! Nip it in the bud now-
Firstly, I would want a fixed pick-up time, so if it is 5pm then that is when they need to collect, not earlier unless by prior agreement. If that means parent has to sit in the car for 10 mins, or pop home and come back at 5pm, then that is their problem. You can say it is disturbing your afternoon routine. Or discuss changing to 4.30pm pick-up, or 4.45 or whatever would suit.
Then I'd have child ready in coat and shoes, bag in hand, at the door ready to go, parent does not enter house- hand child over, quick hello and had a good day etc. Done.
Tough to do but be firm, say you need to make a change at pick-up time and keep to it.
Good luck.

[S Stars]

Thanks moggy, i know ive so had enough! I've tried opening the door handing bags to him and he's still stepped in put them all down and asked lo if they want a snack!! 😡 Apart from walking outside and closing the door behind me I don't know how to stop it!! 😢 Don't want to be rude but really am at end of my patience.

Thought about doing a letter but not sure how to word it. I've Sent out newsletters asking drop off and collections to be prompt explaining that my priority is the children still in my care but seems to make no difference!

[Mouse]

You say you don't want to be rude, but why not? Dad is being rude by outstaying his welcome, so I certainly wouldn't worry about upsetting him!

You are going to have to be firm with him. If you don't feel you can speak to him face to face, put it in a letter. When I have a parent who won't leave I normally say that I'm going to try a new way of handing children over at home time. I say that from now on I will have children ready and will hand them over at the door with just a very quick chat to parents. I add that I believe quick handovers will benefit all of the children so will appreciate parents' cooperation. I then remind parents that we will be doing our "new way" of handing children over and start chucking the children out without letting parents in! After a couple of days I say how well it's working so we're going to stick with it :thumbsup:

[moggy]

If you can't get the collection time narrowed down, how about not opening the door until you are there with child in shoes and coat (have them all ready).
Say the day before or ideally at drop-off that you need to change the way pick-ups are happening starting today, say sorry but he can't come in for food anymore and that you will hand over at the door because it is disturbing the other children and taking your attention away from them.
I'd be very blunt- obviously subtle isn't working, maybe he is oblivious to your hints, he could have communication/social issues that mean he doesn't pick up on these things.
Physically stand in the door with the child in front of you- remind him... 'Hi, so today we are starting the new way of doing pick-ups, so here's Jonny all ready to go, he's had a good day, he's eaten his snack already, have a good evening!'. Shut door.

[S Stars]

Thank you for your replies! I know I need to be tough am just so rubbish at it! But yes like the idea of both the letter and having child at the door ready and passing them out the door!
It's got to be worth a try ! I am dreading tomorrow already!! Tomorrow's worse because I have a 15monyh old who stays until 5.30 and has tea and it's always over lo's tea time making him upset because he's got to wait for his dinner/ pudding whilst I'm at the door!

No more nice childminder lol!! 😱😬 x

[Mouse]

No more nice childminder lol!! 😱😬 x

Standing up for yourself doesn't mean you're not nice! You'll still be just as nice as you are now, it'll just be that you're happier in yourself once you've taken control of a situation that is causing you stress :thumbsup:

[S Stars]

Thanks mouse! :-)

[watford wizz]

Tongue in cheek, but I'd be so tempted to say either dad is breaking the food hygiene policy no hand washing, eating in a non designated food area etc or we think we saw a large mouse/rat last night attracted by your left food crumbs, or hi thought we'd all join in the picnic, provide messy foods and all the children and say hope your ok to watch them whilst I prep our evening meal.

Agree with what has previously been said xx

[Maza]

Oh I do feel for you. I had a parent just like this (not the snack part). The thing is, I did all the gentle hinting and closed the door on them (politely, of course) after a brief handover but they stayed in my front garden to play! It caused me so much stress and anger, because like you, I found it difficult to be blunt. I never did really crack it - the longer it goes on the harder it gets. In the end I was just counting down the days until he started school and left my setting.

It was such an issue that I have written it into my new parents notes. If ever I take on a new parent I am going to make it clear, in no uncertain terms, that this would not be acceptable and that they need to let everyone who collects the child aware of those rules. I'm going to spell it out to them before they even have a chance to make it an issue.

I wouldn't spring the new routine on them as Dad comes to pick up the child, I would explain the night before that this was going to be put in place from tomorrow, and then remind them in the morning at drop off. You could use the other baby needing his food as your reason - explain that just as you wouldn't expect his child to wait for their pudding it's not really fair to make the other child wait. Maybe mention the amount of snack that the child is bringing and say that you have observed what the child eats and so maybe they only need to send in an apple (or whatever) and keep the rest a home so that they can eat then.

Good luck, do let us know how you get on. x

[Ripeberry]

Wow! He seems 'passive aggressive' to me. Can your husband not tell him to get out now?

[Ripeberry]

Also parents seem to forget that our homes are OURS! Not theirs! :mad:

[mama2three]

Im digressing slightly but i remember back before i 'toughened up' mindees and i were waiting on the front garden as the santa sleigh had just come past the house ( it turns round at the end of the street and comes back) One of the mindees dads came , looked at us outside and said to his child '' oh xx you look a bit cold , come on i'll take you inside...walked straight past me , into my house and closed the door!! A few minutes later when santa had been and gone and the other mindees all came in with treats from santa the child burst into tears ...dad said never mind im sure your friends are going to share with you. I said sorry we only got one each , and anyway you seem to have taken your treat from the fruit bowl...dad had actually given her an orange from my bowl after coming inside!!

This dad is actually quite nice..just completely thoughtless. He needed telling exactly what i expected from him , no amount of hints would have ever worked , I had to just 'man up' and tell him!

[Maza]

Thanks moggy, i know ive so had enough! I've tried opening the door handing bags to him and he's still stepped in put them all down and asked lo if they want a snack!! �� Apart from walking outside and closing the door behind me I don't know how to stop it!! �� Don't want to be rude but really am at end of my patience.

Thought about doing a letter but not sure how to word it. I've Sent out newsletters asking drop off and collections to be prompt explaining that my priority is the children still in my care but seems to make no difference!

The problem is, 'prompt' means different things to different people and you would need to be more specific. Also, maybe only the mum is reading the newsletters. I forward all school newsletters to my hubby so that he is just as aware of everything that I am - could you suggest that the mum forwards them too?

I know it's rich me giving you advice seeing as I had the same problem and couldn't sort it, but it really is worth saying something now because if he catches you on the 'wrong day' you might express your frustration at him in a less than professional way - so deal with it on a day when you are feeling relatively calm. x

[samb]

If it's the little ones snack bag and they're bringing so much to your house I'd ask if they could let me know how much and when the child usually eats and if they are expecting all the food to be eaten whilst in my care? Maybe dad just feeds the child a large amount and doesn't understand why the bag always has food left in it and is trying this tactic to show you that he wants the child to eat more whilst at yours and is too soft to say anything to you too? So you're both sort of playing the same game - you think it's too much and haven't given it to the child and maybe haven't mentioned it and presume by giving the bag back with food in it implies enough of a message that it's too much? You may well have mentioned it before - I am just playing devils advocate.

It definitely needs one of you to approach the subject and maybe dad will be pleased to understand your point of view as much as you will enjoy him understanding it. Well worth a chat.

[Mouse]

Or empty the bag before home time so there's nothing left for them to sit and eat :thumbsup:

[Maza]

If it's the little ones snack bag and they're bringing so much to your house I'd ask if they could let me know how much and when the child usually eats and if they are expecting all the food to be eaten whilst in my care? Maybe dad just feeds the child a large amount and doesn't understand why the bag always has food left in it and is trying this tactic to show you that he wants the child to eat more whilst at yours and is too soft to say anything to you too? So you're both sort of playing the same game - you think it's too much and haven't given it to the child and maybe haven't mentioned it and presume by giving the bag back with food in it implies enough of a message that it's too much? You may well have mentioned it before - I am just playing devils advocate.

It definitely needs one of you to approach the subject and maybe dad will be pleased to understand your point of view as much as you will enjoy him understanding it. Well worth a chat.

Brilliant Samb! I hadn't thought of that! I love this forum.

[Mouse]

Im digressing slightly but i remember back before i 'toughened up' mindees and i were waiting on the front garden as the santa sleigh had just come past the house ( it turns round at the end of the street and comes back) One of the mindees dads came , looked at us outside and said to his child '' oh xx you look a bit cold , come on i'll take you inside...walked straight past me , into my house and closed the door!! A few minutes later when santa had been and gone and the other mindees all came in with treats from santa the child burst into tears ...dad said never mind im sure your friends are going to share with you. I said sorry we only got one each , and anyway you seem to have taken your treat from the fruit bowl...dad had actually given her an orange from my bowl after coming inside!!

This dad is actually quite nice..just completely thoughtless. He needed telling exactly what i expected from him , no amount of hints would have ever worked , I had to just 'man up' and tell him!

When we moved house I had a dad come to drop his children off. He said about how the house was much bigger and asked how big the bedrooms were...then started to head off upstairs to have a look!!! I had to tell him to come down as my husband and children were still in bed! He just said, no problem, he'd look another time :eek:

[Maza]

Or empty the bag before home time so there's nothing left for them to sit and eat :thumbsup:

I though of that too, lol.

My word, some of these stories about parents are shocking!

[k1rstie]

Or empty the bag before home time so there's nothing left for them to sit and eat :thumbsup: I would also do the same, but keep it all till the last day of the week or on a day when Dad didn't pick up and send it all home together. Hopefully the vast amount of uneaten food would shock the pack lunch packer.
Or suggest they eat it in their car- picnics in the car are so much fun!!!
Or maybe he gets into trouble from his missis if it comes home uneaten.

[blue bear]

Is there a second parent you can have a gentle word with, they probably aren't aware what is happening and will probably be more willing to tell him starlight.

[S Stars]

Or empty the bag before home time so there's nothing left for them to sit and eat :thumbsup:

Wow thank you so much for all your great replies! I actually did this tonight, had a awful day and a incident with another child which I needed to talk to parents about and couldn't bear the thought of a repeat whilst talking to other parent so at snack time I let the lo concerned decide what she wanted for snack from her snack box and she didn't eat it all but worked her way through most of it and was hardly anything left. When dad arrived I literally handed the bags said she'd eaten lots of snack and got the door for him! Was still a long collection with awkward silences but I stood quietly and he left quicker than usual !
She probably won't have eaten her tea tonight but after the day I've had today was the least of my worries!! Xx

[S Stars]

If it's the little ones snack bag and they're bringing so much to your house I'd ask if they could let me know how much and when the child usually eats and if they are expecting all the food to be eaten whilst in my care? Maybe dad just feeds the child a large amount and doesn't understand why the bag always has food left in it and is trying this tactic to show you that he wants the child to eat more whilst at yours and is too soft to say anything to you too? So you're both sort of playing the same game - you think it's too much and haven't given it to the child and maybe haven't mentioned it and presume by giving the bag back with food in it implies enough of a message that it's too much? You may well have mentioned it before - I am just playing devils advocate.

It definitely needs one of you to approach the subject and maybe dad will be pleased to understand your point of view as much as you will enjoy him understanding it. Well worth a chat.

Thank you yes you've got a good point! Thank you! X