Child not settling, parents not helping :(

[fluff1975]

Hi there.

I'm still having trouble settling my new little boy and I'm feeling really unsupported by the parents and in the words of Donkey in Shrek: I think I need a hug.

He's 11 months old, and has only been cared for by his parents. He co-sleeps with them, is carried in a sling, sleeps on mum and dad in the day/rocked to sleep and is exclusively breast-fed. I don't have and issue with any of these things however I don't feel that they've prepared him at all for childcare. When I first met mum she was very open about their parenting and so I highlighted the issues that it could cause with childcare (ie not being able to be worn in a sling for sleeps, not being able to comfort with a bottle). I knew settling would be an issue but I only have one other child on the days he comes so thought it would be managable.

As I mentioned in a previous post about this, the (nearly) 3 year old I look after is becoming increasingly distressed and doesn't want to come to my house anymore because in her words, its scary. That near enough broke my heart :( The only days she does with me are his days and neither has the flexibility at work to change their days.

He comes on a Monday and Tuesday and this is the problem I'm having... Monday he cries. ALL ******* DAY. I mean, all day. I have NEVER in 20 years of childcare met a child who can keep the crying up for 8 hours. Tuesday, he cries for about 30 minutes to an hour after drop off and on the whole thats it aside from the usual grumbles of hunger and tiredness, before he starts again at about 4pm. Mum collects between 4 and 5. I've offered a Friday morning to break up the 5 day stretch. I suggested the next 4 weeks which takes us to half term (by which time I think he'll either be settled or I'll have given notice). Mum thought this was a really great idea and we arranged a time for dad to drop him off. The problem? Dad. Dad has the next 4 fridays off shift and wants to spend them with his boy. I completely get this but I'm feeling really crap as I just don't think they understand how unsettling and upsetting it all is. Regardless of their intention, I feel like I'm being left to sort it out, that its my problem.

Sorry to waffle on. Any kind words, hugs or advice greatly received. Thank you.

[Mouse]

That must be really tough for you, him and the other child :(

To me it sounds as if the parents aren't willing to help at all with settling their son. I can understand them not wanting to change their lifestyle with the co-sleeping etc, but they're not even prepared to go along with your suggestion of bringing him in on a Friday to help him adjust. I get that dad wants to spend time with him, but why couldn't they even do part of the day? And wouldn't it have been worth dad giving him up his father/son time if it would help their child? If parents were willing to work on a solution with you it would be different, but if they can't even go along with a simple suggestion I doubt you will get much out of them.

How long have you had him for? Personally, I think I'd be giving notice now. I would tell them that it's really not fair on their child as he is clearly so unhappy in a childcare setting where he can't be given individual attention all the time. Tell them that despite all your years of experience, you cannot give him the type of care he needs (basically one-to-one care) while you have other children to look after. Having thought long and hard about it you feel it would be in the child's best interests to suggest they look at other options, possibly a nanny or a childminder with no other young children. As always you put the needs of the children first and his needs would be better met in a different type of setting. You can say it's a shame, as he's a lovely little boy, but it wouldn't be right for them to keep bringing him to you when he is so unhappy.

[fluff1975]

That must be really tough for you, him and the other child :(

To me it sounds as if the parents aren't willing to help at all with settling their son. I can understand them not wanting to change their lifestyle with the co-sleeping etc, but they're not even prepared to go along with your suggestion of bringing him in on a Friday to help him adjust. I get that dad wants to spend time with him, but why couldn't they even do part of the day? And wouldn't it have been worth dad giving him up his father/son time if it would help their child? If parents were willing to work on a solution with you it would be different, but if they can't even go along with a simple suggestion I doubt you will get much out of them.

How long have you had him for? Personally, I think I'd be giving notice now. I would tell them that it's really not fair on their child as he is clearly so unhappy in a childcare setting where he can't be given individual attention all the time. Tell them that despite all your years of experience, you cannot give him the type of care he needs (basically one-to-one care) while you have other children to look after. Having thought long and hard about it you feel it would be in the child's best interests to suggest they look at other options, possibly a nanny or a childminder with no other young children. As always you put the needs of the children first and his needs would be better met in a different type of setting. You can say it's a shame, as he's a lovely little boy, but it wouldn't be right for them to keep bringing him to you when he is so unhappy.

Thank you so much for that, and the secondary school advice! I actually think I could kiss you right now! I thought from day 1 that a nanny would probably suit them best. What is sad is that we raised our second daughter using many aspects of attachment parenting and if there are no other carers involved it is, to me, a super start in life. The difference is that we never expected anyone else to look after our little girl so we were able to plan for the long-term and how we were going to wean her off us! This just feels a bit like dump, run and get on with it!

So my next question is this... if I gave notice (which contractually is 4 weeks), I am giving notice and so obviously not wanting him in that time but they would need to make alternate arrangements so what the heck happens?! Also if I carried on having him and he did settle, that would make things rather awkward. I hate this side of my job :(

[Mouse]

We were the same and followed many of the attachment parenting principles, although back then it didn't have a fancy name and was frowned on by most people :rolleyes: But like you say, we didn't expect anyone else to do the same as us and made sure our children were adaptable enough to go to other people and places without it causing problems (well, not too many!) It's why I can be supportive of parents who want to follow that route, but they do have to do their bit as well if they want their child in a childminding setting.

The big thing to remember is to always stress that you're doing this for the child. If you say you can't keep doing it, or that other children don't like it, you run the risk of parents taking the hump and accusing you of not being able to cope or do your job. What I have done in the past is say to parents that we can't keep pushing a child that isn't settling so we'll give it 4 weeks to see what happens. If their child still can't settle after that time we'll sadly have no option but to call it a day. Obviously if they want to look elsewhere and come up with something else in that time you'll be more than happy for them to finish earlier. It sounds nicer than saying you're giving 4 weeks notice and with any luck they'll leave earlier.

You can tell them that if there are signs of improvement you'll review everything again.

If you want them to leave immediately maybe check with your insurance company that you can do that without repercussions. Then tell them that you're sorry but as their child is struggling so much, you really feel it would be best for him if he didn't come any more.

Whatever you chose it'll be tough, but you'll feel so much better once you've spoken to them and taken action :thumbsup: