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samb
04-01-2016, 02:41 PM
Had new mindee start with me mid Nov. First time at a childminder- was at nursery as toddler and then before and after school clubs before moving to our area where we don't have clubs. Parents are very quiet although do seem to be more chatty now. Dad is shift worker on 6 week rolling pattern. First week child came for 4 after school sessions which was useful as we got to know each other better. That's the longest amount of time term time and shortest would be 1 after school session per week, mostly 2-3. In holidays pattern is same and then mindee will come all day. Apparently mindee has counted down days to be back here from Xmas time. Apparently really loves it here etc. Mum filled questionnaire before Xmas saying everything fantastic has raved about being here etc. However I find it really hard to engage... One session mindee sat stroking my cat ignoring any requests to join in with anything or anyone. More likely to join in if set activity although I have planned activities when it is just mindee and my 2 children (aged 7 and 10) and again just ignoring stroking cat. Mindee apparently only likes craft or Lego friends (I asked her and showed her my toy shed with all the different types of toys). However will often not join in with craft whether it be set activity or just free play to choose whatever they like to use. Before Xmas she made 2 things but gave them both to other mindees (very sweet) but sure mum doesn't believe me that she joins in sometimes. I have a huge box of Lego but only have it out when little mindees not here, so she has 2 possible days a week when she can have it out. One 2 hour session she only put 2 bricks on a base despite everyone joining in with own base, trying to engage/ be a role model in terms of what to do with it etc. But mindee says only likes Lego friends, the pop star type. My dd has some but it's hers and not for downstairs/sharing and she wouldn't want it broken up by a mindee so it's my sharing Lego or none! When little ones here I have plenty of other larger construction but no interest. Also no interest in younger ones at all whereas most older ones I have looked after have enjoyed helping with the younger ones/ reading to them etc, mindee has younger brother at day nursery so used to younger children. Mindee has been here since 8:30, we went out for a couple of hours, had lunch and snack time and rest of time has played with 1 other school age mindee (9) with barbies for maybe 15 mins and done some set crafts but that's it. If I try and have a conversation then I am met with either lots of enthusiasm and then suddenly silence or nothing from the start. No manners in terms of please/thank you but will answer questions eg would you like a frube? Yeah. I'm not sure what it is ... I'm stumped. My own children ask why mindee isn't joining in or only stroking cat or laughing when something isn't funny. I only have my 2 plus the 2 school mindees today on inset day. Tomorrow I will have 3 under 5s, her plus 3 over 8s. (Another inset) I've tried doing cooking - says no and strokes cat, played on computer earlier but took less than 5 mins, walked off to stroke the cat! If I didn't have cats I wouldn't have a clue how to engage with her! I suppose it doesn't matter so much after school but all day just seems so difficult. Any ideas?

k1rstie
04-01-2016, 03:30 PM
Hi. Starting in mid November, isn't really a very long time with you. It's a shame you can't find out what she was like at the old setting.

I think that all kids are different, and some are just quiet and withdrawn. Some just take a little while to warm up and join in.

I do have a really stupid question. Does the cat mind being stroked?? If the cat likes to be stroked, I would see no harm in her carrying on, but with encouragement for joining in.

When mine were 7, they liked playing dollies, dress up, and the 7 year old girls favourite was Hama beads. Maybe she would like to be helpful, and help lay the table, prepare snack, etc

loocyloo
04-01-2016, 03:33 PM
maybe mindee is finding it hard because its so different to what she is used to?

nursery and afterschool clubs are not like a home setting, and maybe she is still settling in and isn't feeling confident enough to join in. stroking the cat sounds a bit like a comfort thing to me. AT home with family its different because you can just 'be' you don't have to be doing anything, plus everyone 'knows' you, so easy and relaxing. She is in someone else's home, with someone else's toys and people she doesn't yet really know. Or, she might like being at yours with no pressure to have to do/be/join in! ( I used to know children who had such busy, organised, active times with family, that when they came to mine, they just needed time for themselves! )
She might also be feeling that she shouldn't be 'happy' with you ? - I used to have a mindee whose mum would say 'poor X, having to go to Loocyloo's whilst mum is at work' and mindee never wanted to join in, as she felt that mum thought it wasn't a good place to be. when mum started saying ' have a fantastic time whilst I'm at work and i'll see you later and you can tell me what you've done' things improved!

could you allow mindee to bring her own lego from home? or bring a game or anything she wants to share with everyone? help her to feel that your home is her home too? maybe you get her to fill in her own ' all about me' sheet - about her, her friends, her home, her pets, favourite activities/foods/books/games/tv, something she'd 'love' to do ...

no idea if that is any help at all, reading back, seems a jumble of thoughts! but good luck.

sometimes it is just hard to bond with every child, you can just do your best, and hope it is all ok.

xxx

samb
04-01-2016, 04:03 PM
I hadn't thought of her feeling like she was just relaxing and "being" at home. But I think you may have a point there. I did a verbal all about me with her in first week- foods/ places/ people/ toys/ activities etc in a way that I felt was interactive and relevant for each type of thing eg when we made our own pizzas I discussed with her things she likes to eat and really doesn't like to eat etc. Mum sends me photos of her at home telling me she can't wait to see me etc... Just her response to me doesn't make me feel like she wants to be here. It is still early days especially as she is shift accommodating and she has started a new school too so big thing for her. I wasn't sure if I should say anything to mum as what mum says and what i see haven't been the same. Hopefully by next school holiday she will feel more comfortable.

Luckily I have 4 very friendly cats, 1 is very old and is more than happy to be loved so not a problem at all- mindee has no pets so she does like this. I guess I just feel I'm not providing anything for her but I suppose providing my pet lol.

BallyH
04-01-2016, 04:36 PM
Good advice so far but I was also thinking as she's stroking the cat is she observing the others at play? Watching who's in charge and calls the shots etc. She may be tired from everything being new and is calm and relaxed sitting stroking the cat. You seem to be trying very hard with engaging her. Maybe step back a bit so she can make decisions. Be pleasant but don't entirely focus on her so she then realises that she has a choice to stay and stroke the cat, observing or join in. Best of luck but it is very early days and so soon after the mad rush before Christmas.

samb
04-01-2016, 04:54 PM
Good advice so far but I was also thinking as she's stroking the cat is she observing the others at play? Watching who's in charge and calls the shots etc. She may be tired from everything being new and is calm and relaxed sitting stroking the cat. You seem to be trying very hard with engaging her. Maybe step back a bit so she can make decisions. Be pleasant but don't entirely focus on her so she then realises that she has a choice to stay and stroke the cat, observing or join in. Best of luck but it is very early days and so soon after the mad rush before Christmas.

No - generally stroking cat in a different room entirely! And activities have been both "available to freely help self to" as well as adult led - and each adult led I've offered and started with others and then offered again- often they don't all come at once and I will stay near the table ready to start off different children choosing at different times. I think everyone is right though and I will back off and maybe do another all about me type session toward end of the month - with them all as a reflective tool so no focus on her. She's actually playing on the wii now with my 2 children as other mindee has left and it's the most interactive I've ever seen her.

samb
07-03-2016, 04:25 PM
Just posted about this child again on another thread but looked back to see exactly what i had written before.

I followed advise given about stepping back etc and she is still not engaging. I have tried involving her in little jobs like laying the table and she totally blanks any questions/requests. In this instance I have quietly asked why she isn't laying the table when asked to be met with a blank stare and a giggle. I did go further to give multiple choice type answers to prompt her and she nodded enthusiastically when I said "is it that you don't want to lay the table?" I did explain that helping is very important, good manners, kind etc and everyone takes turns here and she just giggled.

I do feel that there are sen issues- I think asd -although am aware we cannot diagnose/ specifically say this etc. Mum tells me she loves coming here. Which I find strange as she barely engages with anyone, doesn't touch toys, only really colours, sometimes doesn't eat anything etc. If there are no Sen issues then it would make sense to me why she is like this and why she is still "happy" but if no sen issue I can't imagine any child would want to go somewhere up to 5 days a week after school for 3 hours to actively ignore others and do nothing?

Mums coming for a chat today. I'm actually putting fees up so I want to talk to her about that too especially as I don't feel she is accessing much here and so raising fees I feel is a bit cheeky but then I can't not raise them just cos that's what her personality is like. Feeling confused