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View Full Version : What would you do in my situation?



natlou82
12-12-2015, 10:01 PM
I have been taking care of a LO age 2 for about 18 months Mon-Fri 7am-6pm. Two weeks ago I stumbled upon an advertisement from Grandma on childcare.co.uk looking for further help, cooking, cleaning, extra childcare after pick up from me and weekend childcare. I am quite shocked with this but also worried that anyone who applies for this position may suggest the child leaves my care. So far I've avoided talking to the parents on this matter, although Dad mentioned a carer was coming over this weekend, "nothing to worry about". As above what would you guys do?

chris goodyear
12-12-2015, 10:38 PM
Does the child live with Grandma as this is how it reads to me. If so I wouldn't be too concerned as I would think that Grandma just needs help when lo is not with you.

loocyloo
12-12-2015, 10:42 PM
I would probably mention it/ask how it went with the carer.
One family I nannied for, had an au pair who did the cleaning/ironing and weekend care, plus most of the babysitting.

It might be that the family just need a housekeeper.

natlou82
12-12-2015, 11:05 PM
No Chris, Grandma isn't local but has been spending time here, she is requesting help for the parents.

natlou82
12-12-2015, 11:10 PM
Loocyloo I thought that a housekeeper is probably what they need. I find it really odd that she has requested help for LO after they leave me, "play, bath and put to bed" I find it quite sad really but know it's not really my business. Mum phoned me yesterday and was quite "off" with me and it did upset me as I always do my absolute best for LO. Although I have a better working relationship with Dad as he brings and collects the child most days.

loocyloo
13-12-2015, 08:44 AM
Loocyloo I thought that a housekeeper is probably what they need. I find it really odd that she has requested help for LO after they leave me, "play, bath and put to bed" I find it quite sad really but know it's not really my business. Mum phoned me yesterday and was quite "off" with me and it did upset me as I always do my absolute best for LO. Although I have a better working relationship with Dad as he brings and collects the child most days.

Mum probably feels a bit guilty that you manage to look after her child, other people's children, your own family and run a house whilst she struggles with just one child.
It could also be that motherhood to a young child is just not what she enjoys. I nannied for another family where mum loved her children, but spent as little time as possible with the younger ones until they were about 5 and able to have adult conversation! I even went on holiday with them, so mum could have time to rest and relax.
Or, it could be that parents have such busy jobs that they are not able to spend the time with their child.

I wouldn't have thought that a carer would want to have child all day and still do evenings/weekends/babysitting/cleaning etc. Because they would have no time for a life of their own.

X X X

natlou82
13-12-2015, 08:52 AM
Thank you for your thoughts on this Loocyloo. I'll just see if Dad mentions it tomorrow and go from there. Because I have LO full time I think I've got too emotional about this. I need to put my professional head on and not worry. You are right if a nanny / au pair worked the full hours he/she would have no life. Breathe and relax :-)

chris goodyear
13-12-2015, 09:30 AM
I find this so sad. When do they ever see their child? Poor little thing and I would be the same as you getting emotional over it, how can you not? You are the the closest person in their life. I had the same years ago and yes mum was the same and didn't really engage with her son until he was 5 years old. Never took him on holiday and one year when my holiday clashed with hers I contemplated taking him with us on our holiday! I think some parents just have a different outlook on being a parent, bit old fashioned and only see their children to say goodnight. It killed me when my kids started pre school and school and I had to let them go out into the big wide world but then we are all different.

blue bear
13-12-2015, 09:39 AM
Is mum poorly? If they need evening and weekend care on top of your care, it just strikes me as something could be wrong?

natlou82
13-12-2015, 09:49 AM
Yes, one of the many reasons I do this job is because I want to be with my own children as much as possible, so I do find their outlook "alien" and struggle to get my head around it. But everyone is different and I have to realise that.

natlou82
13-12-2015, 09:56 AM
I don't think so blue bear. I've got a feeling that Grandma doesn't think they're coping. Mum actually wanted me to work more hours over Christmas but I'm closed 24/12-04/01 as I need R+R and precious time with my family. They have always needed me for my full opening hours and I know if I opened longer they would increase the hours with me, but I'm not prepared to do that for my own families sake x

Simona
13-12-2015, 10:12 AM
I have been taking care of a LO age 2 for about 18 months Mon-Fri 7am-6pm. Two weeks ago I stumbled upon an advertisement from Grandma on childcare.co.uk looking for further help, cooking, cleaning, extra childcare after pick up from me and weekend childcare. I am quite shocked with this but also worried that anyone who applies for this position may suggest the child leaves my care. So far I've avoided talking to the parents on this matter, although Dad mentioned a carer was coming over this weekend, "nothing to worry about". As above what would you guys do?

I hope you have sorted the situation and are now happier.

I think that there are thousands of families who work atypical hours and require this additional care after the one you provide during the typical hours .
The reasons are very varied as 9-5 is not the 'normal' pattern of work anymore but these families use the childcare to access all the benefits....once 6 pm comes along they are actually stuck and need more help...I have seen it myself as have many others.
Family and Childcare Trust are actually lobbying govt at present for this extended provision....I think they are talking about 24/7 childcare.... as is Sam Gyimah who has looked into qualifications....this is very recent!

I would be very honest and tell them you saw the advert in a website you also use...this happens a lot especially those who use FB and meet families they know or see their posts..

Ask after them and ask if you 'may be able' to help further...no commitment...., I would be honest and say you would like to know if they are planning any changes or change of care
I am sure they will be happy to let you help them.

Good luck!

natlou82
13-12-2015, 10:21 AM
Thanks Simona :-)

Mouse
13-12-2015, 10:34 AM
Have you met the mum and the grandmother?

This could be a situation where the grandmother is the one in charge, organising this family's every day life. Perhaps she is doing it because the mum has health issues (mental or physical) and needs round the clock help. Perhaps the grandmother has been providing this additional care and support herself, but can't any longer so is looking for someone else to take on the role.

If the dad has openly mentioned a carer coming at the weekend, I would ask how it went. He might open up and explain to you what's happening at home. If they're advertising for someone to look after the child in the evenings and at weekends, it doesn't sound as if they're planning to leave your care.

Maza
13-12-2015, 11:02 AM
Do the parents have incredibly demanding jobs? Sometimes parents work very long hours in the office and still have to bring work home - hence the need for extra childcare. Could mum maybe be suffering from depression?

When you say the mum was 'off' with you on the phone, did she have a particular issue that she was discussing or was she just generally 'off'? Maybe she wasn't being funny with you but is just stressed and distracted - hence the need for granny to seek further support. There must have been some emotional/heated discussions recently in the home because you don't just decide out of the blue that you need more help, things must have been getting on top of everyone gradually and maybe mum feels that people are blaming her and making her feel inadequate. There could have been huge arguments - we just never know what goes on behind closed doors. Don't want to sound dramatic, but just keep an extra eye out incase there are some little safe guarding issues as mum could be feeling very low, neglecting her own and her little ones emotional needs.

As Mouse says, you could mention it to dad as he has already mentioned it to you. x

natlou82
13-12-2015, 11:16 AM
Thanks mouse and Maza excellent advice and lots to consider. Tbh I've thought about many of the things you have both mentioned. I think talking to Dad is definitely the way forward. Mum was talking to me about nap times, child can get through most days now without a nap but mum isn't happy as child wakes up in the night. This is all fair and agreed to try and encourage a nap. My issue was that Dad had suggested that I keep LO awake during the day a few weeks ago so I thought I was doing what the family wanted and as I've said child isn't showing signs of tiredness most days now anyway. Mum was quite sharp with me on the phone and spoke to me like I'm clueless about her child's needs as she thinks her child is one who requires a nap. I told Dad that the two of them need to communicate better as I'm getting mixed messages.

natlou82
13-12-2015, 11:18 AM
Dad told me he doesn't like his MIL and doesn't understand what she's doing here and whenever she's around Mum is more stressed.

Mouse
13-12-2015, 12:05 PM
Dad told me he doesn't like his MIL and doesn't understand what she's doing here and whenever she's around Mum is more stressed.

I've come across this before. The grandmother being the controlling force in the family, undermining the parents, telling them how they should be doing things and not giving them the chance to work things out how they want to. In the end they can't do anything for themselves because they've lost all confidence in their parenting abilities.
I wonder if the grandmother has told mum to speak to you about the naps and that's the reason why she seems funny with you - she was once again being pushed into something she didn't agree with, but had no choice about.

samb
13-12-2015, 12:15 PM
When I worked a 55 hour week as a nanny the family also had an au pair who would do the parents ironing, housework and babysitting. They did this so that the time they spent with the children was really good quality and I have to say they did more with those children than many would be able to working only part time and having to still run the house etc. They are a fantastic lovely family. The children are now aged 19,17,15 and 7. They don't have a carer at all now just a cleaner. The eldest is at university and the older 2 help with the youngest. Mum now works part time. The eldest helped me move house last year, the younger 2 visit regularly to keep in touch with me and my children. We have a great relationship. Just saying that it may not be a bad thing for you at all. X

natlou82
13-12-2015, 12:25 PM
Thanks samb :-). Mouse I think there's a lot of truth in what you are saying regarding the Grandmother. Our situation has been going perfectly well and there's been no issues from the parents regarding the care I give. You've all reassured me that I don't need to worry about them giving notice :-) I'm not at all ready to say goodbye to this LO yet (although I know they'll leave eventually).

Maza
13-12-2015, 01:32 PM
Aaaah, throw a broken nights sleep into any situation and the stress will multiply, and meddling grandparents can make stress levels go off the scale! It sounds like you bore the brunt of some of it and that's not on, especially as the two of them hadn't communicated over what dad had already advised you to do. You can hold your head high on that one - their mistake. Hopefully when they get some extra help things will settle down for them. Let us know how it goes. x

natlou82
14-12-2015, 08:43 AM
Thanks again for everyone's thoughts on this. I was confident enough to ask Dad, and you were right about him opening up about what is going on. I'm not concerned about them giving notice. They are just under a lot of stress atm and hopefully the helper will lighten the load for them. I think Grandma does think she's in charge of the family and has made the stress levels go sky high, but she's returned home now. With the extra help I'm hoping calm will be restored.

Mouse
14-12-2015, 01:47 PM
Thanks again for everyone's thoughts on this. I was confident enough to ask Dad, and you were right about him opening up about what is going on. I'm not concerned about them giving notice. They are just under a lot of stress atm and hopefully the helper will lighten the load for them. I think Grandma does think she's in charge of the family and has made the stress levels go sky high, but she's returned home now. With the extra help I'm hoping calm will be restored.

Dad is probably very pleased he has someone he can talk to :thumbsup:

Simona
15-12-2015, 09:13 AM
Thanks again for everyone's thoughts on this. I was confident enough to ask Dad, and you were right about him opening up about what is going on. I'm not concerned about them giving notice. They are just under a lot of stress atm and hopefully the helper will lighten the load for them. I think Grandma does think she's in charge of the family and has made the stress levels go sky high, but she's returned home now. With the extra help I'm hoping calm will be restored.

All sorted in the end...personally I think 'families' are a very complicated 'structure' these days....no one knows or can guess what is propping them up and what is going on beneath the surface, the multi layers and what is behind each member!!

It's like redecorating a very old house...so many layers of wallpaper once you start stripping the walls!
I do blame the govt a little for the constant pressure on families and ...life itself!

Anybody thought about good old Bronfenbrenner in this instance? every family should get a copy of his book.


Good outcome though! I am sure you are pleased....looks like a good partnership there. Wonder why parents often are so reluctant to ask for help or share with the people most likely to offer tangible help?

natlou82
15-12-2015, 11:33 PM
Very true Simona, tbh I think I was taking this too personally when it wasn't aimed at me at all. I don't tend to pry into my parents home lives and likewise I only share what I choose about mine. I do hope though that parents feel they can talk to me, as I will always do my best to help where possible.

Maza
16-12-2015, 09:05 AM
Very true Simona, tbh I think I was taking this too personally when it wasn't aimed at me at all. I don't tend to pry into my parents home lives and likewise I only share what I choose about mine. I do hope though that parents feel they can talk to me, as I will always do my best to help where possible.

You weren't prying at all. It's only natural that you would need a little reassurance that this family is ok, but also it's natural that you would feel a little nervous as he is a big part of your income. x

Simona
16-12-2015, 09:32 AM
Very true Simona, tbh I think I was taking this too personally when it wasn't aimed at me at all. I don't tend to pry into my parents home lives and likewise I only share what I choose about mine. I do hope though that parents feel they can talk to me, as I will always do my best to help where possible.

I think your reaction was understandable and based on what you came across...well done for taking charge of the situation....with good outcomes....good for you CPPD!

Have a restful Christmas now!