Have you ever had to turn down a family and how did you do it?

[tiredandemotional]

Need to offload and have some advice really about a new child I had start yesterday. The mum threw me in the deep end a bit as she contacted me last week, filled out the paperwork but then implied she would be in touch once she started work. Anyway, she asked me to pick her dd up after school yesterday morning for that afternoon. I hadn't done my usual settling in procedure and 'vetting' especially as the family were new to our school and I'd only met them in passing at the park but felt I couldn't say no. Mum said she would collect at 4pm, so a nice easy hour to start with. Anyway... the daughter (aged 6) was incredibly rude, cocky and 'confident' (think how your own teenage daughter would talk to you, on a bad day!) and, although got on well with my dd was definitely a bad influence on her manners. I had to gently ask her to rephrase things several times but found it hard work as she tended to go off in a sulk or get angry if she was frustrated. She has a complicated home life (I've heard mums life story, several times) and, bless her, her dad died last month and they've pretty much fled Austria where mum is from (although DD is English). So, I was trying to work with her but after a long day with three toddlers, including one with seperation anxiety, and a hectic after school session, it was all a bit much - especially as mum was TWO HOURS late! :angry: She didn't even contact me until I sent a polite text at 5pm asking if she was OK!
It was all so stressful and I can't imagine it getting any easier. I think mum expects a totally flexible service; picking which days to send her (she's self employed) and what hour to pick her up. As a CM I try and be as flexible as I can but I have to work round others and my own family; I have three small children, and I just can't see it working. If the girl is already this over confident with me it can only get worse (although I am quite firm so maybe she'll learn!). I have no idea how to 'sack' this family and am conscious of the bad time they've had recently. There are other CM's in my town but I'd feel bad 'dumping' such a difficult family on them as we're all quite friendly (although they are older and more experienced). I'm also thinking I should give them a chance, but then it will only be harder to turn them down, especially once their contract (which I hadn't even had a chance to draw up yet) kicks in.
Thanks for reading this far and I'd love any advice. xx

[rickysmiths]

I have a four week settling in period at the start of a Contract and it is written in the contract, during which time either of us can give notice immediately.

If I give notice I return their deposit and they pay for any sessions used.

If they give notice they loose their Deposit and they pay for any sessions used.

I would have the mum in for a frank chat before I gave up. Be honest about the attitude it may be a bit of a defence mechanism if the child id grieving, I would as if they have thought to access Bereavement Counselling through school? Talk to the mum about timing and set the boundaries of what Flexible means and how you need a call or a text if she is ever delayed in traffic etc.

[BallyH]

Good advice so far but if your gut instinct says 'no' you may have to act upon it. Why not give it another couple of days but in the meantime contact those other local cm's. Explain the situation. You'd be surprised one of them may have a vacancy and want to take her. So then you could go back to mum and say your circumstances have changed but you can recommend another cm. If they don't, it may be decision time. In the meantime be very firm. She's having a rough time and tough love may be called for. In between the 'firm' moments show her your loving side so she will think you are on her side. Best of luck.

[AliceK]

If I were in your shoes the behaviour from the child wouldn't bother me as such, I would make allowances due to her situation and try to be firm but gentle with her. However, the mums attitude just wouldn't do for me at all :angry:. She needs to be made aware that she agrees upon a collection time and unless something unavoidable happens then you expect her at that time. I would remind her of my safeguarding policy and uncollected children. The fact that with no message it could be abandonment (I know it isn't but she needs to be made aware of the implications). I can be very flexible in a lot of ways but I demand two things: 1, to be paid on time and 2, for children to be collected on time due to family commitments.
Have mum in for a strong word then decide what to do :thumbsup:

xxx

[lollipop kid]

Coming at it from a totally different perspective, I have learned (through bitter experience) to steer clear of anyone wanting last minute childcare, as there is a good chance they have behaved really badly in another setting before getting to yours.

I would tread very carefully with this family - I would make the trial period as short as possible - two weeks. By all means get the mum in for a chat, but if there is no improvement in either's behaviour (mum/daughter), then I'd be terminating the contract at the end of week two.

Good luck. Trust your gut. :panic:

Hugs,

LK

[tiredandemotional]

Thanks everyone for your input. I think I will draw up the contract and ask mum round to discuss it and make clear about times etc. I will gently mention DD behaviour and ask if she has any techniques she uses at home (although TBH she seems oblivious to it).

[lollipop kid]

Thanks everyone for your input. I think I will draw up the contract and ask mum round to discuss it and make clear about times etc. I will gently mention DD behaviour and ask if she has any techniques she uses at home (although TBH she seems oblivious to it).

Since you haven't yet drawn up a contract, you could email and advise Mum that you are no longer able to help her due to a change in your personal circumstances, and you wish her well in her search for after-school childcare.

Just a thought...

LK

[tess1981]

Since you haven't yet drawn up a contract, you could email and advise Mum that you are no longer able to help her due to a change in your personal circumstances, and you wish her well in her search for after-school childcare.

Just a thought...

LK

I would also be tempted to say as far as first impressions go two hours late was not a good start l

[White Rose]

Do you have late collection penalty charges in your contract?

[tiredandemotional]

Well, it didn't go well! After sending a very apologetic email telling mum that I couldn't go ahead and have her daughter - stating that I felt I hadn't the space or time to give her enough attention (as my instincts were telling me this family would need ALOT of attention) but not mentioning anything about DD behaviour or her lateness, in other words making it not personal at all (Plus giving her other childminders details and now in fact have set her up with another CM) she sent back this reply: (bear in mind English is not her first language)

yes- its very dissapointing for me as i just found job.XXX is a nice child and I do not feel its fair for her or me /sorry I take very personally and its very hertfull for me as I am very loyal person and very reliable in paying and at the moment practically single mother in new area.My ex childminder would never do like that or at least give time /not trying child ones and refusing in furter service.

best regards and thanks.

I was rather flabbergasted, especially as I hadn't officially taken her on yet and she seemed oblivious to the real facts. I haven't replied and as she seems set up for childcare now I'm just going to let it go, but it has rather knocked my confidence :(

[sing-low]

Well, it didn't go well! After sending a very apologetic email telling mum that I couldn't go ahead and have her daughter - stating that I felt I hadn't the space or time to give her enough attention (as my instincts were telling me this family would need ALOT of attention) but not mentioning anything about DD behaviour or her lateness, in other words making it not personal at all (Plus giving her other childminders details and now in fact have set her up with another CM) she sent back this reply: (bear in mind English is not her first language) yes- its very dissapointing for me as i just found job.XXX is a nice child and I do not feel its fair for her or me /sorry I take very personally and its very hertfull for me as I am very loyal person and very reliable in paying and at the moment practically single mother in new area.My ex childminder would never do like that or at least give time /not trying child ones and refusing in furter service. best regards and thanks. I was rather flabbergasted, especially as I hadn't officially taken her on yet and she seemed oblivious to the real facts. I haven't replied and as she seems set up for childcare now I'm just going to let it go, but it has rather knocked my confidence :(
Try not to take it personally. Mum is upset and angry and taking those feelings out on you. Business head on. You had not signed a contract so you had no legal obligation to her or her DD.Your family comes first and often if we go against our gut instinct trying to be the caring people that cms have to be to do this job we regret it bitterly when it doesn't work out. As you say, she has found someone else, so try and forget it and look forward to the next lovely family who come along.

[Ripeberry]

Well, it didn't go well! After sending a very apologetic email telling mum that I couldn't go ahead and have her daughter - stating that I felt I hadn't the space or time to give her enough attention (as my instincts were telling me this family would need ALOT of attention) but not mentioning anything about DD behaviour or her lateness, in other words making it not personal at all (Plus giving her other childminders details and now in fact have set her up with another CM) she sent back this reply: (bear in mind English is not her first language)

yes- its very dissapointing for me as i just found job.XXX is a nice child and I do not feel its fair for her or me /sorry I take very personally and its very hertfull for me as I am very loyal person and very reliable in paying and at the moment practically single mother in new area.My ex childminder would never do like that or at least give time /not trying child ones and refusing in furter service.

best regards and thanks.

I was rather flabbergasted, especially as I hadn't officially taken her on yet and she seemed oblivious to the real facts. I haven't replied and as she seems set up for childcare now I'm just going to let it go, but it has rather knocked my confidence :(


First rule with any family. If they lay on the 'guilt' they are not worth knowing. Good escape and instead of feeling bad you should feel great as you've shown that you won't take any nonsense. Taking on a 'bad' family is never worth it in the long run. Hope you find a nicer child/parent soon. :thumbsup:

[lollipop kid]

Well, it didn't go well! After sending a very apologetic email telling mum that I couldn't go ahead and have her daughter - stating that I felt I hadn't the space or time to give her enough attention (as my instincts were telling me this family would need ALOT of attention) but not mentioning anything about DD behaviour or her lateness, in other words making it not personal at all (Plus giving her other childminders details and now in fact have set her up with another CM) she sent back this reply: (bear in mind English is not her first language)

yes- its very dissapointing for me as i just found job.XXX is a nice child and I do not feel its fair for her or me /sorry I take very personally and its very hertfull for me as I am very loyal person and very reliable in paying and at the moment practically single mother in new area.My ex childminder would never do like that or at least give time /not trying child ones and refusing in furter service.

best regards and thanks.

I was rather flabbergasted, especially as I hadn't officially taken her on yet and she seemed oblivious to the real facts. I haven't replied and as she seems set up for childcare now I'm just going to let it go, but it has rather knocked my confidence :(

Well done you! Sounds like a very lucky escape in my book.

Rudeness (from mother and daughter); lateness on the part of the mother; now trying to put you on a guilt trip? Who knows what else she had in her little box of tricks.

You're well rid. Don't dwell on it. It's her loss, not yours. No wonder she wanted emergency childcare! See? There's always a reason.

Onwards and upwards :thumbsup:

LK

[BallyH]

Well done. Her reply was harse and all from 'her corner'. She thinks she has done nothing wrong and can only see her needs, not considered you, your family or your business. A lucky escape.

[tiredandemotional]

Thanks everyone. I feel better now and definitely know I've made the right decision after her response. She did bad mouth me to the CM I set her up with, but she- lovely lady as she is- refused to listen and has been very firm with her about t&C's - something I would have done if she hadn't thrown me in at the deep end. I worry slightly that she will bad mouth me to people at school, but I think my reputation will overide that and if anyone listens to her, mad that she is, then so be it :laughing:

[bunyip]

So glad you've made the decision you're happy with. :)

Don't worry about the bad-mouthing. It says nothing about you, and everything about her.

I've been bad-mouthed around the village school playground by a couple of mums, not to mention being bad-mouthed around the entire neighbouring town by jealous CMs. It's hard to take at first. Then you realise they're actually doing you a favour. Personally, I don't want to work for the sort of parents who'll believe that sort of malicious cr4p, so it helps filter out this sort of idiot without them bothering to come knocking on our door. :thumbsup: