End of tether!!

[smurfette]

Bit of advice here ladies please about what is reasonable to expect and what I should do. Currently minding three under two, which as you all Know is very hard work! Two of them are great, one I have had a year and one just started. Nap time is my problem with the third little one. I had him one day a week over summer and now three days a week, I have looked after both his older sisters and have had the same battles with them but I am now feeling I can't do it again! They all co sleep, be hop everyone is in different beds all night and usually wake up in a different bed than the one they woke up in and all breastfed to sleep. I got the girls to be good sleepers with me slept for two hours but this little one is very stubborn. Today he fell asleep in car but when I went to put him in buggy he lost it and has screamed for 25 minutes! He will now only sleep probably for 40 minutes and thinks that is enough to do Him all day ! (13 months!) but by mid afternoon he will be a nightmare but will be even harder to get to sleep And probably won't go off. So mid afternoon Til pick up at 515 is a disaster and I am trying to mind two other little ones and do homework and pick up for my own kids who won't get a look in. I am not out to criticise anyone's parenting but this 'system' doesn't work when the kids are in child care. Haven't been completely up front with mum about how he is because she can't bear to see them cry and always says don't tell Me just do what you have to do to get them into your schedule. I just feel my life would be easier if I didn't have him Or at least not at Nap Time! It is stressing me out and impacting on my whole family . I know I need a chat with mum but can I ask her to change her whole parenting style?! She said she puts Him in buggy to sleep too but I don't know if she still really does because he settled Easier in the beginning when she definitely was doing it than now

I had a big row with dh last night as he needs to travel away with work again next week, and I told him I couldn't cope. It is just too much some days , all the cleaning of the ****** house for parents on top of the actual childcare balancing everyone's needs and my own kids issues

[Mouse]

First of all, big hugs to you :group hug:

I would ignore mum's protestations and tell her exactly how her child is in the day time. I'm sure she doesn't like to hear about her child being upset, but I'm also sure it makes it easier for her to ignore the issues if she doesn't talk about them. What's the worst she could do? Remove the child from your care...would that be such a bad thing?

You've looked after her other children so she is obviously happy with the care you provide. Maybe now it's her turn to accept some responsibility for her own children. She doesn't need to stop the co-sleeping, but she does need to help you get him into a better routine in the daytime. I would have a chat with her and tell her exactly what his sleeping is like in the daytime. It might upset her, but then she needs to face up to the reality. Tell her that it is so hard for her child as he is shattered, but can't settle himself to sleep. Say that you only want to do what's best for him and you're sure she wants the same (she can hardly say no to that!) Come up with a plan and tell her you'll have another chat in a couple of week's time to see how things are going. If there's no change you'll both have to consider what's the best thing for him as he clearly needs his sleep (always word it that you're doing it for the child). Giving her a deadline and making her see that this is an issue she can't ignore might just be enough to push her into action :thumbsup:

[loocyloo]

Good advice from mouse.

I don't think i can add anything, but send a virtual hug.

I think i remember your struggles in the past with this family.

xxx

[smurfette]

Thanks guys, he is shattered
Now I have picked him up but as you say doesn't know how to go back to sleep Its nonsense ,
Just had hubby on phone saying just give notice think I will. daddy has just quit job so I am sure they don't want to be paying me anyway. It will be out of the blue but I just don't think I can cope anymore. Mum in law had a stroke last week and our middle daughter has harm OCD so we have had a rough few months.

[JCrakers]

Thanks guys, he is shattered
Now I have picked him up but as you say doesn't know how to go back to sleep Its nonsense ,
Just had hubby on phone saying just give notice think I will. daddy has just quit job so I am sure they don't want to be paying me anyway. It will be out of the blue but I just don't think I can cope anymore. Mum in law had a stroke last week and our middle daughter has harm OCD so we have had a rough few months.

Crikey, you have a lot on your plate...sometimes we just have to do what's best for us. You don't need any extra stress, hugs to you and don't feel bad about your decision.

[Kerry30]

I am having same problem with a 19mth old that i mind. Constantly shattered but just will not sleep. Lo also co sleeps with mum but not when at dads. I have tried alsorts. Mum doesnt seem to be bothered if lo doesnt sleep during day. Lo only sleeps if out walking in buggy but will wake up the instant i walk thru the front door even tho is still tired.
Its emotionally draining so i can see where your coming from. Lo is happy at mine and has been here for about 7 mths. I have no advice just that your not alone!!

[Mouse]

Thanks guys, he is shattered
Now I have picked him up but as you say doesn't know how to go back to sleep Its nonsense ,
Just had hubby on phone saying just give notice think I will. daddy has just quit job so I am sure they don't want to be paying me anyway. It will be out of the blue but I just don't think I can cope anymore. Mum in law had a stroke last week and our middle daughter has harm OCD so we have had a rough few months.

You definitely don't need the extra stress, so put yourself and your family first. If you can do without the money, give notice and get your work back to a manageable level xx

[smurfette]

Thanks guys , feel really bad about it but I think she will be shocked ,
I have as loocyloo said moaned about this family before. And have put up with a lot but generally we have a good working relationship. He wakes the others then.
Currently lying on the bed beside me playing too tired to sit up and play even

[Mouse]

I am having same problem with a 19mth old that i mind. Constantly shattered but just will not sleep. Lo also co sleeps with mum but not when at dads. I have tried alsorts. Mum doesnt seem to be bothered if lo doesnt sleep during day. Lo only sleeps if out walking in buggy but will wake up the instant i walk thru the front door even tho is still tired.
Its emotionally draining so i can see where your coming from. Lo is happy at mine and has been here for about 7 mths. I have no advice just that your not alone!!

I had a child like that. I used to put him in the buggy in front of the washing machine and put it on a long wash cycle! He would be asleep within minutes and awake as soon as the machine switched off, but at least I knew he would sleep as long as it was still on. After a while he would happily go to sleep without the machine on and went on to be a brilliant sleeper :thumbsup:

I also use music to encourage them to sleep. This is one of my favourites at the moment:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qVDgVe1yGOg

I prop my Ipad up near them so they can watch the clouds, then move it away when they're asleep.

[Mouse]

Thanks guys , feel really bad about it but I think she will be shocked ,
I have as loocyloo said moaned about this family before. And have put up with a lot but generally we have a good working relationship. He wakes the others then.
Currently lying on the bed beside me playing too tired to sit up and play even

She will probably be shocked, but that's because she hasn't wanted to hear the truth about how difficult it has been!

[smurfette]

She will probably be shocked, but that's because she hasn't wanted to hear the truth about how difficult it has been!

True true !

[Kerry30]

I had a child like that. I used to put him in the buggy in front of the washing machine and put it on a long wash cycle! He would be asleep within minutes and awake as soon as the machine switched off, but at least I knew he would sleep as long as it was still on. After a while he would happily go to sleep without the machine on and went on to be a brilliant sleeper :thumbsup:

I also use music to encourage them to sleep. This is one of my favourites at the moment:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qVDgVe1yGOg

I prop my Ipad up near them so they can watch the clouds, then move it away when they're asleep.

Tried the washing machine but that only worked once. Will try the music one tho. Thanks ☺

[smurfette]

Well that didn't go well! Sent this home in email diary


X struggled very much with sleep again today. He fell asleep in car on way home from silly Billy but as soon as I got him out woke up, took me 25 minutes to get him to sleep then he only slept for 25 minutes ! This is becoming very difficult I am afraid ., most of all for him because he is wrecked but can't seem to settle himself to sleep but also the others are being disturbed when they are sleeping or trying to get to sleep . I only want to do what's best for him and I know you want the same But If there's no change we'll have to consider what's the best thing for him as he clearly needs his sleep

(Thanks mouse for your phrasing!)

Of course not read by time she collected so told her straight I wouldn't be able to continue .. Excuse after excuse
Maybe he is not well. Still settling: missing his sister. No he is fine rest of time just sleep! She has gone home to think.. Don't know what I expect her to do. Hoping she will say nothing she can do and I can call it a day . Told her I was stressed with it

[bunyip]

No advice. Just thinking of you and sending hugs. :group hug:

[Maza]

Well done for being honest with mum. Whatever the outcome, you would just get frustrated if you weren't honest with her. I think the kindest thing you can do for your baby is to teach/allow them to self soothe and go to sleep on their own if you are going to put them in childcare.

Let us know the outcome. Big hugs. x

[smurfette]

Well done for being honest with mum. Whatever the outcome, you would just get frustrated if you weren't honest with her. I think the kindest thing you can do for your baby is to teach/allow them to self soothe and go to sleep on their own if you are going to put them in childcare. Let us know the outcome. Big hugs. x
I agree completely wish people would realise

It's not going well.

[smurfette]

Had two emails after he went home,, one said e had cut a tooth (not the issue he is fine form except when tired) and one saying what time was I trying to put him down, how , any pattern etc., yes the pattern is your child doesn't sleep! I just felt then it was more excuses and fob offs so I ended up giving notice .

Told her I thought we had both done all we could and I couldn't go on it was too stressful , no point dragging it out and would finish up the week if she wished (this was my very first mum and we don't have a contract she wouldn't sign and return it) and as far as I know daddy is home so she isn't stuck, she works from home but only gets 6 hours a week done because she lost the full day in playschool for older one since she wasn't organised as usual so only does 930-1145 three days a week when they are all gone. Must do most of her work evenings and weekends

She wrote back said she was stunned she didn't realise there was a problem (so I ended up documenting all the times I had told
Her, And he had Been upset on pick up because wrecked etc) and could we talk about it, she is very stuck for work , and she will drop him off as normal just for a half day.. Don't know how that translates into wanting a chat as I will have three under two here!

So I said no, she can leave him no probs Til end of week but I had made up my mind,, there is no solution I have tried everything and he doesn't sleep at home so will never learn to sleep here. Feel disrespected and not listened to she is just hoping I will give in and I will listen to him cry not her! No reply from that. She sent last one to me at 11pm and I sent it back about midnight didn't see it Til then didn't think she would have Sent one so late. Don't know what's gonna happen this am, and didn't sleep well

To quote a famous site ... Am I being unreasonable?!!

[loocyloo]

Had two emails after he went home,, one said e had cut a tooth (not the issue he is fine form except when tired) and one saying what time was I trying to put him down, how , any pattern etc., yes the pattern is your child doesn't sleep! I just felt then it was more excuses and fob offs so I ended up giving notice .

Told her I thought we had both done all we could and I couldn't go on it was too stressful , no point dragging it out and would finish up the week if she wished (this was my very first mum and we don't have a contract she wouldn't sign and return it) and as far as I know daddy is home so she isn't stuck, she works from home but only gets 6 hours a week done because she lost the full day in playschool for older one since she wasn't organised as usual so only does 930-1145 three days a week when they are all gone. Must do most of her work evenings and weekends

She wrote back said she was stunned she didn't realise there was a problem (so I ended up documenting all the times I had told
Her, And he had Been upset on pick up because wrecked etc) and could we talk about it, she is very stuck for work , and she will drop him off as normal just for a half day.. Don't know how that translates into wanting a chat as I will have three under two here!

So I said no, she can leave him no probs Til end of week but I had made up my mind,, there is no solution I have tried everything and he doesn't sleep at home so will never learn to sleep here. Feel disrespected and not listened to she is just hoping I will give in and I will listen to him cry not her! No reply from that. She sent last one to me at 11pm and I sent it back about midnight didn't see it Til then didn't think she would have Sent one so late. Don't know what's gonna happen this am, and didn't sleep well

To quote a famous site ... Am I being unreasonable?!!

BIG HUGS Stay strong. xxx

[Mouse]

Oh dear :(

I don't think it was ever going to end well, mainly because mum didn't want to acknowledge that there was a problem. Maybe if she'd been willing to talk about it before now it could have been resolved much earlier.

I certainly don't think you're being unreasonable, but I can understand why mum is pushing for you to keep him - she's been happy with the care you give and has managed to ignore any issues up until now. I think you've done well to listen to her side of things, but it's come to the point where you have to be blunt - you're really sorry it has come to this, but you've made up your mind and there's no point talking about it as it won't make any difference. Will she please respect your decision and understand that this has been very hard for you and not something you have done without a lot of thought.

:group hug:

[JCrakers]

Hugs to you. A lot of people must think we are robots and are able to listen to the children crying and being in bad moods all day because of lack of sleep. We are only human.

I've been working with children since I left college at 19 and I'm now 40. About 5yrs ago I had to give notice to a family as a 8m old baby I was looking after for 40hrs a week cried all day (probably 8hrs out of the 10) I tried absolutely everything, she wouldn't eat, sleep, drink her milk, play, be held, she hated the house, the pushchair, the cot, she hated the other children, she hated the garden. No matter how much experience or confidence I had I just couldn't stop the crying and In the end, after 8 weeks of trying, I was nearly at the dr's. I think if I had carried on I would have either been on tablets for anxiety or I would have flipped and stormed out of something. It was the most stressful thing and everyone was affected. Me, DH, my children and all the mindees.

We are not robots who can deal with everything, people seem to think that if we work with children we should be able to cope with anything.

Be strong and stick with your decision. Its a harsh thing to say but you will find someone else who is easier and your life will be a whole lot better for it.

[smurfette]

Thanks all, I can understand she isn't impressed as you say I have put up with it all Til now, but enough is enough . I reiterated again in my email that it was a very tough decision and I couldn't put myself through it anymore. She has just dropped him off now literally dumped him and said I will pick him up at 1215. Very off with me, which makes me think as you say, she doesn't have any understanding of how I feel not care :( of course it's a headache for her but the more she has resisted taking responsibility for his behaviour the last 24 hours the more I have been determined . It's crap situation either way

[smurfette]

Hugs to you. A lot of people must think we are robots and are able to listen to the children crying and being in bad moods all day because of lack of sleep. We are only human. I've been working with children since I left college at 19 and I'm now 40. About 5yrs ago I had to give notice to a family as a 8m old baby I was looking after for 40hrs a week cried all day (probably 8hrs out of the 10) I tried absolutely everything, she wouldn't eat, sleep, drink her milk, play, be held, she hated the house, the pushchair, the cot, she hated the other children, she hated the garden. No matter how much experience or confidence I had I just couldn't stop the crying and In the end, after 8 weeks of trying, I was nearly at the dr's. I think if I had carried on I would have either been on tablets for anxiety or I would have flipped and stormed out of something. It was the most stressful thing and everyone was affected. Me, DH, my children and all the mindees. We are not robots who can deal with everything, people seem to think that if we work with children we should be able to cope with anything. Be strong and stick with your decision. Its a harsh thing to say but you will find someone else who is easier and your life will be a whole lot better for it.

Yes this is me right now :(

[smurfette]

I have also worked with kids all my life, my mum fostered growing up I babysat for pocket money and did summer childminding , and trained in social studies and worked in children's homes and schools , but life's too short ain't it!!

She has just text to say she has given him painkiller for his teeth, she still Isn't getting its not his bad form

[BallyH]

The mum just doesn't get it! She will next week when she has him all day, all week. Be strong. Your mental health comes first. Big higs.

[smurfette]

The mum just doesn't get it! She will next week when she has him all day, all week. Be strong. Your mental health comes first. Big higs.

Thanks . Have text her again to say not his teeth, not unsettled but the lack of sleep and crankiness all afternoon when I have six of them here, that I am sorry she is in a position now and I am very upset by it but I have to put myself and my health and my family first and I hope she can understand that

Just said to hubby she hasn't come up with a solution like keeping him off a week and getting him sorted so she doesn't want to deal with it and is fobbing me off. So glad have stuck to my Guns now

[Mouse]

Just said to hubby she hasn't come up with a solution like keeping him off a week and getting him sorted so she doesn't want to deal with it and is fobbing me off. So glad have stuck to my Guns now

That's what I was going to say. If she was serious about it she would be trying to come up with ways to help him, not coming up with endless excuses.

You might have to go through a bit of unpleasantness till he finishes, but think of the relief you'll feel next week when it's all over :thumbsup:

[smurfette]

It's only pick up today and drop off and pick up tomorrow so I think doable x

[Maza]

I'm sorry she is being grumpy. I think you now need to stop trying to explain to her why you came to your decision and definitely stop apologising for it. Just be pleasant and professional until you are done.

Parents take children out of one type of childcare and swap it for another (often with justifiable reasons, ie child not settling) without much of a second thought for the adult affected, and it works both ways, which parents don't seem to realise. This mum has taken it for granted that because you were so amazing with her older two that she could get away with it for her third child. Sometimes you just know when you are done with certain families. x

[smurfette]

I'm sorry she is being grumpy. I think you now need to stop trying to explain to her why you came to your decision and definitely stop apologising for it. Just be pleasant and professional until you are done. Parents take children out of one type of childcare and swap it for another (often with justifiable reasons, ie child not settling) without much of a second thought for the adult affected, and it works both ways, which parents don't seem to realise. This mum has taken it for granted that because you were so amazing with her older two that she could get away with it for her third child. Sometimes you just know when you are done with certain families. x

Wise words thank you xx

[sing-low]

Oh Smurfette, just reading through this thread now and it sounds horrendous. For you and the LO. For what it's worth, I think you have done the right thing by giving notice. Hugs for you!

[Mouse]

Is this your last day?

I hope it goes smoothly for you and you can breathe a big sigh of relief as they go out the door for the last time x

[smurfette]

Thanks ladies, he has arrived crying and now lying on floor trying to go to sleep .. Only in the door two minutes! Poor kid how can't she see it's cruel?

10000% know it is right decision. Yes last day horray! Think it's lunch time pick up so will report back. She was more pleasant this am as looking for the bits all back .. Obviously will be giving them to her ! Lying in my arms now. He cried all morning yesterday and lost his life when I put him in the buggy to go out for a walk cos he was worried I was putting him down for a snooze. ! Then set the other two off

Very glad I have cut it short to finishing today , the peace at lunchtime when he had gone was golden !

Really appreciate all the support guys

[smurfette]

Asleep in my lap., obv well used to
This as he went right off no struggle even though he has never done it with me

There goes toddler group :(

[smurfette]

Well little man slept for 1 hour 30 mins on my lap! Eventually I woke him and he woke up in good form and crawled off to play.. Think we have found the reality of what's happening lol! Then he got grouchy again so I was glad when mum picked him up! She barely spoke. Not so much as a thank you for all you have done for all of us for four years. She was about to drive off and I told her I was saying goodbye to the kids .. Just opened car door and did it cos she wasn't gonna let me.

Desperately disappointed that she couldn't even say thank you or wish me the best. But relieved he is gone. House lovely and relaxed this afternoon

Thanks for all the support guys xx

[BallyH]

A card wouldn't have hurt would it? Well done you for saying goodbye to the children, as we do get attached. Bet you feel as lf you've lost 2 stone. Enjoy the peace!

[Maza]

Oh that's a shame that she chose to end it like that. It can't have been easy for you, but at least you can hold your head up high. Are they going to juggle the childcare between them from now on? Enjoy the peace. x

[loocyloo]

Oh that's a shame that she chose to end it like that. It can't have been easy for you, but at least you can hold your head up high. Are they going to juggle the childcare between them from now on? Enjoy the peace. x

sorry it didn't end well, but know you did your best for the whole family, for a long time.

enjoy the peace and calm. xx

[bunyip]

Well little man slept for 1 hour 30 mins on my lap! Eventually I woke him and he woke up in good form and crawled off to play.. Think we have found the reality of what's happening lol! Then he got grouchy again so I was glad when mum picked him up! She barely spoke. Not so much as a thank you for all you have done for all of us for four years. She was about to drive off and I told her I was saying goodbye to the kids .. Just opened car door and did it cos she wasn't gonna let me.

Desperately disappointed that she couldn't even say thank you or wish me the best. But relieved he is gone. House lovely and relaxed this afternoon

Thanks for all the support guys xx

I'm very sure you did the right thing. :thumbsup: Shame you weren't appreciated though. Just have to think of the other families who do value you.

Give mum a couple of days to start feeling guilty, and there'll be another of those Nutmums threads: "I totally abused my childminder........am I being unreasonable?" :mad:

[natlou82]

Just wanted to show support and send hugs x it's clear for us all to see you've tried your best x

[smurfette]

Guys Thanks that means a lot. Am feeling like I handled it badly now but I do believe she wasn't listening and I had tried lots, and if I had Chatted in person I would have backed down and continued ! First day today without him .. Looking forward to some peace and quiet and a trip out with the others x

[loocyloo]

Guys Thanks that means a lot. Am feeling like I handled it badly now but I do believe she wasn't listening and I had tried lots, and if I had Chatted in person I would have backed down and continued ! First day today without him .. Looking forward to some peace and quiet and a trip out with the others x

you did the best ( and more ) that you could with this family, and that is all you can ask of yourself.

have a good day and enjoy the peace ! :D ( my first day without my 'difficult' LO was bliss! )

xxx

[smurfette]

It was bliss thank you! 19'degrees here today ...
Went to the zoo , with two mindees age 22 months and almost 3, fab morning smacked on the go no naps required , slept peacefully in car on way home!! Right decisions just wish I could have dealt with it differently but I don't think I had any choice and she wouldn't have taken it well either way.