Disruptive Child- I need some help/advice

[good_cheryl]

Hi All,
I have a new child in my setting- its been 3 weeks. The child has been very disruptive and does not appear to listen to anything I say/ask. The little boy is 4 yrs old and attends school full time so it is only before and after school care. Examples of things are- climbing overt the stair gate when asked not to; having to be asked into double figures to put shoes/coat on for school; wresting the other child- despite being asked not to; hiding/throwing other children's things around and then "forgetting" what he has done; this week he told me whilst walking back from school " I hope M (my son) will fall under the wheels of the buggy and be all flat, I hate him"; I asked him to apologise for saying that, which he did but my son was understandably upset.
I have spoken to the parents about the stair gate issue- because if he falls and hurts himself- its my responsibility despite me asking the child not to do it; but I am finding it hard to address these other issues because I do not want to been seen as picking on him or making a mountain- I know the school are having similar issues- which makes it more difficult
I have spoken to a child-minder friend who said let him go (terminate the contract)- but I am wondering if anyone else has ideas?
Its difficult as the child is in the same class as my son- so I don't want to create ill feeling either between the boys or his mum and me. looking at the parent style- he turns on the charm for both he appears to be their angel. help..... Please. Thanks

[sarah707]

You are still in the 4 week settling in period when you can cancel the contract without notice - so if you feel that's what you want to do now is the time to decide...

Sadly it sounds like you are dealing with some entrenched behaviours - but at 5 the child is old enough to know they are not acceptable and to accept responsibility for his actions.

Go right back to basics - a behaviour plan like you would for the little ones - teach respect, empathy and understanding in your after-school activities...

You are asking a lot of yourself to make a huge difference in a few hours though xx

[AliceK]

You say you don't want to pick on him for everything but I think you need to. I start off very strict with mindees until I know them and know their behaviour and they start to understand my rules. I think you need to very strict with him, make it clear what kind of behaviour is expected. You can always extend the 4 week settling in if you need to, I have done this before. I would make mum aware of what behaviour you expect and explain that you are extending the settling in. If you don't feel you want to do this then maybe you should terminate now.
I refuse to take on any mindees from my own childrens year at school because I can foresee too many possible problems in the future when / if they all fall out with each other.

xxx

[lollipop kid]

From what you say (and from what your childminder friend says), it sounds like you've been seeking help and trying various approaches for three weeks now, with little or no improvement. I am also sure that you have said that you've mentioned your concerns re. this child's behaviour already to the parents.

Therefore, with one week left, I would be using this to remind the parents that the four week's settling in works on both sides, and you feel that this arrangement is just not working for you. (Your son should not be made to feel this upset/frightened in his own home! Isn't that one of the key reasons why we go into childminding in the first place, that is, to find an occupation that allows us to be home for our own children while they need us?)

In respect of worrying about bad feeling between him and your son (or that family and you) if you terminate the contract, have you thought about the consequences if you keep the disruptive child, and he then goes on to hurt another minded child/your son/cause damage to your home/property or even gets involved in a really bad accident which then becomes your fault, and you are then hauled over the coals by the big O???

I think you may already have reached this conclusion and that you should just go for it. Perhaps there's an after-school club he could go to? Or where was he being cared for before he came to you? (Sounds like he resents being with someone new rather than his old placement.)

If you regret terminating the contract after a couple of weeks, you could always ask for him back :D

[alex__17]

I found with my very disruptive 6 year old schoolies who wouldn't listen played v rough answered back etc that I asked them to write their own list of rules as I was sick of nagging them all the time, they came up with about 20 rules with little help from me, wrote them all out on a big sheet and behaviour improved dramatically straight away!
Also a page with their names on and they get a sticker if they dont break their own rules while they're witj me, if behaviour starts to slip or they do something unacceptable they are sent on their own or separately to read out loud to themselves their rules to remind themselves of them and that little break from their friends does wonders.
I would never have believed it would work so well and it was the last thing I was trying before thinking about speaking to parents

[lollipop kid]

I found with my very disruptive 6 year old schoolies who wouldn't listen played v rough answered back etc that I asked them to write their own list of rules as I was sick of nagging them all the time, they came up with about 20 rules with little help from me, wrote them all out on a big sheet and behaviour improved dramatically straight away!
Also a page with their names on and they get a sticker if they dont break their own rules while they're witj me, if behaviour starts to slip or they do something unacceptable they are sent on their own or separately to read out loud to themselves their rules to remind themselves of them and that little break from their friends does wonders.
I would never have believed it would work so well and it was the last thing I was trying before thinking about speaking to parents

This sounds lovely and I would even use this approach for my older after-school children. However, I would worry about how to make this work with a 4 year old, who sounds like he is a bit wild both at the minder's and at school, and I doubt very much if his writing/communication skills would be up to this just yet. (Just my opinion!)

L

[hectors house]

With one week of settling in period left to go, I would ask for a meeting with the parents and tell them that child is not cooperating with your house rules and that you are not prepared to enter into the full contract yet and that you would like to extend the settling in period for another 4 weeks - at the end of this period (or maybe sooner) you will either tell them he can stay and normal contract terms will apply or you will be advising them to look for another childminder. Maybe this threat will get the parents to sit down and read the riot act to their child about how he should be behaving when with you or it may well show from their reaction that child rules the roost at home - in which case give notice now!

[alex__17]

Completely agree obviously wont be able to write and read, so may not be as effective if you need to help, may be worth a try though...

[jaykay79]

i'm afraid i'd be waving bye bye to this little one, life is too short to have to have that upset in your home, especially as he's upsetting your own child too. if he won't listen to a thing you say, then you stand little chance of altering his behaviour, imo anyway x

[bunyip]

I agree with previous posts.

I have to say, "welcome to my world." :p I'm getting thoroughly disenchanted with the idea of taking on any child over 2yo as a new starter. I'm only 3 years into CMing and am already becoming wary of any child who has had long enough to develop a whole host of unwanted behaviours, baggage, selfishness, and daddy's-little-princess attitudes to their short life. :(

[alex__17]

I find younger ones behaviour on the whole so much better, they get 'spoiled' by school and become so rude and inclined not to listen whereas a 2 year old will listen to a firm no

[Ripeberry]

I'm wary of any enquiries for over 3 year olds. Why are they not in a pre-school? May be behavior issues of some kind.

[VeggieSausage]

I totally agree either extend settling in period for another 4 weeks and say to mum that his behaviour is a challenge and for that reason you are extending the settling in period as its not fair on other children or you or give notice. You must be really strict, wrestling and physical play fighting I think is a total no no especially if other children are not happy with it, but totally unacceptable in a childcare setting. If there is not much improvement you have no choice but to give notice, talk to mum and say how his behaviour must improve. I have had after school children whose behaviour was unacceptable at the beginning but they quickly toed the line but I have also had a child and his behaviour did not improve and I gave notice, after the mum was very rude to me and said 'message from Child x that was the most disgusting tea he has ever been given last night and the most disgusting meal he has ever eaten' :mad: and then proceeded to tell me a load of made up stories about the other children in my care and what they had done to him....I swiftly got rid.....the child was one of the most obnoxious children I have ever met and one of my main problems was he would physically manhandle other children including my own who didn't want to be pushed around by him - the stress was huge, so don't put up with it....your childminding life would be a lot easier without him if he doesn't improve....

[jaykay79]

veggie sausage, that comment reminded me of a message I got off a parent on Christmas day this year telling me that x doesn't like the Christmas present I bought him! x

[k1rstie]

veggie sausage, that comment reminded me of a message I got off a parent on Christmas day this year telling me that x doesn't like the Christmas present I bought him! x

Outrageous!

[k1rstie]

. I refuse to take on any mindees from my own children's year at school because I can foresee too many possible problems in the future when / if they all fall out with each other. xxx

At the end of the day, your son lives with you and in your home, so he MUST feel comfortable being there and this new lad sounds like he will suck the life out of all of you

[hectors house]

My Ofsted inspector asked about my behaviour policy - I jokingly said "well there's always the cupboard under the stairs" then said that I generally have all my mindees from babies that they grow up knowing my rules.

I don't do school age children anymore, I just couldn't stand the way they thought they could speak to me as if I was at their beck and call. I once had a new starting 4 year old say to me "why did you put that bracelet on today", I replied saying "because I thought it went well with my top" and she replied "but it doesn't"!