View Full Version : Children not getting on

08-01-2015, 09:55 AM
Please be kind to me, I am new to this forum and fairly new to minding (though was a nanny for many years!)

I have 3 children, the youngest is 5 and in yr 1. Last Sept a new boy started with me (M) whom my son new from school settling in sessions (small school, reception/yr 1 in same class) and for some reason had taken a dislike to.

We had some problems initially, nothing physical, just M being left out and my son not being happy to share his things (fine with other children) I spoke with mum, and she said M was very happy coming here, (he is a very lonesome child and does not want to join in but likes to play by himself and has trouble interacting/showing emotion etc - (the school have referred him as it is suspected he is on the autistic spectrum)

I spoke to my son and explained why I needed to childmind (means I can be at home and not have to go out to work as did previously putting him in childcare etc) and things seemed to be settling down and going well, by Christmas M had really settled and come out of his shell, both here and at school (I volunteer in their class) so all was well.

However, since returning to school on Monday my son has been nothing short of mean to this little lad, and it has started to get physical (on both sides, but always instigated by my son) Yesterday M was shoved across the room with force so he bent my boys fingers right back, mine was sent to his room and M just went and lay under the table (I felt awful)

This morning my son was having a meltdown in the car and M was obviously looking at him so my son threw his bag at him and thumped him. We hadn't left yet so I took my son indoors, and told his Dad to take him to school, it was awful.

I really cant go on like this, but there is no alternative childcare for M as we live in a tiny village, the other child-minder has no space for him and there is no after school clubs. I really don't know what to do for the best. I hate to think what this poor little lad must be going through, but to be honest he seems unfazed by it all. The school say there are no problems there.

Has anyone else been through this or offer words of wisdom? I just don't know what to do for the best.

08-01-2015, 10:37 AM
Hi vintagechick and welcome to the forum. Sorry to hear you've been having these issues, so hard when our work impacts on our own children, isn't it?

Two things spring to mind. Firstly, I would say that it's not unexpected that your son is finding having M back again after the Christmas break. Yes, it's awkward when your child is hurting others, but if you can stay strong and be consistent with consequences for his behaviour, then with time, it may settle down the way it was before the break. I would think about the trigger points for your son (when does he get upset, lose his temper?) and try and distract him or make sure you are always there at those times so you can nip it in the bud before he gets annoyed.

Secondly, and probably more importantly, I would suggest that you try not to worry about what will happen to M if you decide that you do not want to continue to look after him. I would say that your son's (and wider family too) needs outweigh this. If it really isn't working, despite giving it time to settle down after the holiday, then (if you can afford to financially) I would terminate the contract.

Hope that helps and was gentle enough!

08-01-2015, 10:44 AM
I had a similar issue with my own son and a mindee they were in the same class and I think it all got too much for both of them. In the end I gave notice because I believed that to be the best for everyone. It did work out for me, my own son was happier and I still see the other boy and speak to his mum so no hard feelings. It's difficult knowing that there's no other childcare for this boy but you can only do so much. Definitely have a long chat with mum to see if you can agree any strategies first. I hope you work it out one way or another. I've also made it very clear to my own Son that even though it has been a big change for him, there was always going to be a change and if I wasn't doing this job I would be working full time outside the home.

08-01-2015, 10:50 AM
Thanks guys, you are both echoing my own thoughts, I'll see how it goes tonight then have a chat to mum, we get on and had this chat before when there were problems. Just feel bad for the little guy, both parents are always working, he always looks unkempt/dirty and often has nits/worms. Parents love him to bits but just don't have time, I feel I am letting him down :(

08-01-2015, 11:00 AM
I can only agree with the excellent Sing-Low.

Give it time. The post-Christmas period can be quite odd and take some getting used to, as evidenced by my reception class mindee, not to mention my currently very rat-baggy but still loved granddaughter.

But don't take responsibility/blame for the things you haven't done and cannot change. The lack of alternative places in your area is not your fault. Do not go through Hell because of it.

Thinking of you, and remember there's always advice and support here. :group hug:

08-01-2015, 11:59 AM
So in my usual manner Im going to disagree a little whilst still trying not to be mean!

Of course our own families needs and our own childrens wellbeing must come first , that's a given.
But..are you really doing your son any favours by terminating the contract. In their usual self centred little brains all he is likely to see is that his behaviour has got him exactly what he wanted , not to have m around in his space.

By 5 years old he should be absolutely able to understand that his behaviour is not acceptable...its up to you how you deal with getting the behaviour you want ..we all differ , carrot or stick?

08-01-2015, 01:05 PM
I have two more days left with the boy my son doesn't get on with. They are both two but when he comes my son turns into an emotional teenager. There are strops, tantrums my son starts to push and take his toys. Which is the total opposite of what my son is normally like he is one of them children that just get on with everyone. Just this one boy he can't cope with so after 6 months I have given notice as it was 10 hour days and I couldn't cope and don't feel my son at this age should have someone he don't like in the house but then he is also young enough that he won't know it was his behaviour that he has left.

The other boy is a bit devious though and will check to see if your looking or not before doing something and will also cry wolf a lot. I take my son toilet with me and he will be crying when we get back telling me my son hit him. Which was kind of impossible

08-01-2015, 06:19 PM
Mama2three, not mean at all, just honest! I agree to a certain extent which is why I have let it go on so long, however, when I first took M on it was on the understanding that if they didn't gel then the contract would be terminated, things got better for a while, but were never great. My husband has reminded me that when things got better it was due to my son choosing to go to his nannas rather than home on the days M came, so to an extent he was removing himself from the situation. Obviously this would not be a long term solution!
I have tried many different approaches with my son, but none seem to work, as I have said, he has no problems with any other children who come here, and really misses them during the holidays (I am term time only)
I agree that terminating will make it appear that he has got his own way, but the flip side of this is; is it right to have a 4 year old exposed to being bullied in order to teach my boy a lesson? I think not, but this is why I posted for advice.I cannot afford to lose him really, but think M's needs should be put first.

08-01-2015, 06:39 PM
I can only agree with the excellent Sing-Low.

Thank you, bunyip!:blush: