have i done right

[happyfeet2013]

OK I'm feelings really down as feel I have failed.been a childminder for years now and then s have has happened
I had a new start today had settling in days before Xmas was fine
Now starting this week he was naturally distressed leaving mum we managed d he settled hewoud interact with anY children like he did before Xmas this went on for hours
He only would be happy If being nursed

He would not eat his lunch wanted finger food like the others mum stressed he was to have spoonfeed

I gave him finger food yes healthy fruit etc I did give them a pancake each on collection se wasn't happy he had surgery foods

Today arrived at 830 was half her late mum said he was needing his porrage
I was about to leave for school run
Same clinging only crying constantly all morning despite all I could try
I looked inncommunication book she had table drawn out
Breakfast lunch dinner to b recorded and sleep times places of sleep etc

Have I done right thing i ring her explain he unsettled she comes to collet she did paid me cash broke down in tears just wanted away I feel awful I never give up but today was different

[sing-low]

What a difficult situation for you all to be in! So sorry this has happened, happyfeet. Hugs for you!

Sounds to me like there are a few different things going on. Firstly LO unsettled. Not your fault. You've done settling sessions and as you say sometimes they are just upset because they miss mum. It may be that over the Christmas period things have been a bit strange for LO, possibly visiting family or having them to stay. Mum may have been cuddling him more than usual and so he's now used to that and wants it when he's upset. It may take time for him to get used to a new situation and only you know whether you can provide the extra care that he needs right now.

The other thing is Mum's expectations of what you can provide as a childminder (spoon feeding, arriving late without breakfast when you're about to leave for school run, the table in the diary). Is she a first time Mum? Nervous about leaving LO? All totally understandable but she needs to trust you to look after LO and also understand that sometimes you won't do things the way that she would. Sounds as if she needs both a little hand-holding -'I know what I'm doing, I've done this before' etc. and maybe a chat about arriving on time.

[bunyip]

No no no no no no no no NO NO, you have NOT failed.

So sorry this has happened. :group hug:

I agree with Sing-Low, and I suspect this might be a reflection of Mum's anxiety or mixed feelings about leaving her lo and not being in control 100%. I think we sometimes forget how much of the dynamic is about managing parent's emotions and the expectations which stem from them. I for one now firmly believe that parents are a lot harder to settle than children. But it's not easy handling the situation with mum after you've had a very wearing day with lo. :(

I think the "sugary foods" comment is just another piece of parental angst founded on bad science. What does she think fruit is made of....?

The bits about food and methods of communication need to be handled with care. Because those subjects are specifically part of EYFS, so she could complain on matters with which EYFS is concerned. That's not to say she has grounds for complaint, though - far from it.

I would tackle the food issue by putting the ball firmly in Mum's court. Ask her which she wants you to do:-

Stick to her idea of strict 'healthy eating' even if this means the child refuses and goes hungry
or
Allow you to feed them whatever they'll eat for the sake of "getting something inside them" even if this means resorting to foods that wouldn't be her ideal choice.

That way, she stays in control (which it sounds like she desperately needs to be at least until she's used to leaving lo with you) and you don't feel torn in two, cos you're simply following mum's wishes. It forces mum to make a decision and take responsibility for it. It means you don't have the thankless task of making a decision for the best reasons and yet still being open to criticism for it.

I'd be polite but firm about what you're prepared to do in terms of communication. I'd personally not have a problem filling in her little tables, but that's me. If you're different, there's nothing wrong with that (nor you) and you just have to tell mum, gently but firmly, that's not how you do things.

I'm very strict about late arrivals mucking up school runs or any other sort of outing. Anyone not arriving before 0830 had better wait until 0930 when I'm back from school. Any child arriving after 0800 will not be given breakfast, or at least they'll have to make do with a cereal bar in their be-mittened paw as they walk. That's about mum being organised and not expecting her CM and a half-dozen children of more conscientious parents to make up for her shortcomings. :mad:

Hopefully, this is a bit of a one-off or no more than a learning curve. Try to remain calm and confident, and mum will either get the message that you're in control or she might just have to be told it isn't working. Hopefully, you have a settling-in period and can give notice in short order if that becomes necessary. Mum kinda needs to work out that she can't have everything 100% her way; not without employing a nanny. I've known several mums who've gone through several childcarers before they've even got close to figuring that one out for themselves. :p But, I say again, that is not your failing. :littleangel:

Thinking of you. Do let us know how it goes and remember there's always support here. :thumbsup:

[MessybutHappy]

Is there any chance the child might be ill? One of mine suffered awfully with ear ache and first indication was screaming :(

Also, no way are you a failure if this is the first time you've had to call Mum back and you've been minding a while, think of all the children you've settled, all the parents you've worked successfully with - don't judge yourself by this one child / family!

[Ripeberry]

You're not a failure. It's just that the mum wants to be in control. She needs to learn to trust you. I had one mum leave, just because I couldn't feed her little one a SECOND breakfast on the dot! I couldn't as I was doing school runs. I wrote it all in the diary, but she chose not to even read it! Parents are harder work than kids, no doubt about it! :(