PDA

View Full Version : need advice re a pushy parent?



dribble&snot
07-11-2014, 01:22 PM
Help basically! not a particularly busy childminder and one of my main under 5 income is a delightful little girl with parents who have some odd child rearing theories. I am not judging them but they want me to implement a no praising policy for their LO. I've spoken to a PACEY associate member who was very helpful and i'm about to tell them i cannot not praise their child whilst its in my care, i would find it impossible. the child is becoming more and more unsettled at drop off with mum clinging to her. Again i've advised them to stick to a routine and say goodbye positively. during the day they are happy and positive and a delight to have! i don't want to loose the child or the income but i dread parents turning up and am getting a bit stressed about it all. Finding childminding is not the best job in the world but the hardest and most isolating i have ever done. any advice greatfully received x :(

tess1981
07-11-2014, 01:38 PM
I have no advice as I have never come across this in my life never mind cm career... It does seem a bit odd! How can you not praise a child... It encourages good behaviour and manners. It boosts self esteem confidence and a feeling of self worth. One example is when they spend time doing an art activity and are so proud with their end result. What do you do there . Say nothing or just say let's give this to mummy? Without even a that's lovely?

AliceK
07-11-2014, 02:03 PM
Have you asked what their reasons are for not wanting their child praised? It seems very harsh and will surely damage the child's self esteem. I would want to know the reason behind it and I would then discuss it with them.

xx

Ripeberry
07-11-2014, 02:15 PM
It's emotional chastisement! How on earth is praising a bad thing?

k1rstie
07-11-2014, 02:17 PM
Maybe they want to be seen as the good guys at home! When they get home, it's all, 'haven't you been a good girl at xxx's today', and just lavish her with praise. This could be a guilt thing.

BUT, if you find out the reason, I am sure we will all be interested in the reason.

Good luck

dribble&snot
07-11-2014, 02:36 PM
thank you everyone so far for your replies.
Basically they gave me an article that says praising is bad!! it has some good points about giving empty praise but in general says young children don't need praise at all, your smile says it all! Potty training the child has been interesting, they do a wee and i'm supposed to say that's were it goes, not even a well done. they do a great picture and i say what good use of colour! the child is 2!
they know i don't agree but i said i'd try! i'd support any parent child be it for religious belief's or food issues.
its just i can see how confused the child is becoming and with out saying to them your nuts i can't seem to get my point across how damaging this could be to their LO.
what a fun job we have, think i may find myself venting on here more often, my hubbies ears might get a breather!

moggy
07-11-2014, 03:02 PM
There are theories about over-praising children being harmful. I think there is a lot of truth in it and a lot to be learned, it is to do with building self-motivation and self-esteem, particularly intrinsic motivation (rather than extrinsic motivation which is just doing things to please others)

Some reading:

How to build your child's self-esteem - Today's Parent (http://www.todaysparent.com/family/parenting/how-to-build-your-childs-self-esteem/)

Rewards and Praise: The Poisoned Carrot - The Natural Child Project (http://www.naturalchild.org/robin_grille/rewards_praise.html)

Parenting: Don't Praise Your Children! | Psychology Today (http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-power-prime/200909/parenting-dont-praise-your-children)

I would talk more with the parents, find out if the above research is what they are following, see if there is a book they have based their ideas on. Read the above and see if you can relate to it at all, could you adapt to meet these ideas in any way?

If you are absolutely unable to come to an agreement with the parents you may need to see whether this is the right family for you and if you are the right CM for this family. The child needs everyone to be working together and using similar techniques.

moggy
07-11-2014, 03:05 PM
I absolutely love Teacher Tom's Blog, here he writes about the same subject (this theory is stemming from research in the US):

Teacher Tom: “Good Job! You’re So Smart!” (http://teachertomsblog.blogspot.co.uk/2009/08/good-job-youre-so-smart.html)

tulip0803
07-11-2014, 03:55 PM
I am High/Scope trained and they say we ared raising "praise junkies" and we praise automatically without actually looking or listening fully. They advocate encouragement rather than praise. (I struggle with this bit a lot!) I can see the point sometimes but I do not think banning praise is the way to go. I have had a few children who's behaviour has turned round completely just by saying "you are so good" "thank you for being so good." or even just a thumbs up! Surely that is encouragement to be good :huh:

http://www.highscope.org/file/NewsandInformation/ReSourceReprints/Motivated.pdf

http://membership.highscope.org/app/issues/105.pdf

Again it is from American research since the 60s

bunnyjess
07-11-2014, 04:25 PM
I personally would really struggle to not praise a child. Some of the children really need and want to be praised.
I want to be praised too and I'm an adult! Lol everyone needs to be appreciated. I'm not judging and each to their own but I personally would find it extremely hard

JCrakers
07-11-2014, 04:41 PM
All this crap from the USA makes me so cross. Like they're so good at raising children :rolleyes: Problem is people have taken it to the extreme.

I do believe praise needs to be used in its correct form and to take it to extremes and not use it at all is ludicrous. Every child needs praise but praising and over praising are too different things. Obviously we don't want a generation who don't put effort in because they were told 'that's fantastic' when obviously it wasn't.

Who's going to be motivated at work with no one telling them what a good job they've done but at the same time how are you going to hold a job done if you don't put your all into it because you've been told that everything was fantastic when really it wasn't your best.

Dandeliontree
07-11-2014, 05:12 PM
Just to give some perspective of why the parent might feel this way (I am the same, actually- I don't like praise or sticker charts and I know I would find it difficult to find a childminder that doesn't use them which is why I became one myself). Alfie Kohn has a very good article for why praise is really not necessary. My children are very happy, loved unconditionally and they don't need praise for every little thing they do. In fact, I think praising them takes away the joy they feel in doing it for themselves if that makes any sense. They have pride in themselves. They say, "I DID IT!" They don't need me to say, "Good job!" because they already know! Anyway, I really like this article from Alfie Kohn- maybe read it and then you can have an informed discussion with the parent if you are still not in agreement. I would want the same, to be honest. Five Reasons to Stop Saying "Good Job!" (http://www.alfiekohn.org/parenting/gj.htm)

BTW, I do say thank you, you made --------- feel really good just then! Or thanks for helping, that really made the job faster. I just don't praise.

Simona
07-11-2014, 05:27 PM
I am High/Scope trained and they say we ared raising "praise junkies" and we praise automatically without actually looking or listening fully. They advocate encouragement rather than praise. (I struggle with this bit a lot!) I can see the point sometimes but I do not think banning praise is the way to go. I have had a few children who's behaviour has turned round completely just by saying "you are so good" "thank you for being so good." or even just a thumbs up! Surely that is encouragement to be good :huh:

http://www.highscope.org/file/NewsandInformation/ReSourceReprints/Motivated.pdf

http://membership.highscope.org/app/issues/105.pdf

Again it is from American research since the 60s

I follow HighScope too and like many of their methods

Talking of praise ...I think there is a difference between 'empty praise' and giving encouragement and constructive feedback to children?

These are just a few links
iCHED - Empty Praise or Constructive Feedback? (http://www.iched.org/cms/scripts/page.php?site_id=iched&item_id=praise_or_const_criticism)


Self Discipline: Awareness of Behaviour - Offering Encouragement not Empty Praise (http://aidtolife.org/discipline/discipline5a.htm)

Education World: Can Adults Praise Children Too Much? (http://www.educationworld.com/a_curr/curr302.shtml)

k1rstie
07-11-2014, 05:44 PM
All this crap from the USA makes me so cross. Like they're so good at raising children :rolleyes: Problem is people have taken it to the extreme.

I do believe praise needs to be used in its correct form and to take it to extremes and not use it at all is ludicrous. Every child needs praise but praising and over praising are too different things. Obviously we don't want a generation who don't put effort in because they were told 'that's fantastic' when obviously it wasn't.

Who's going to be motivated at work with no one telling them what a good job they've done but at the same time how are you going to hold a job done if you don't put your all into it because you've been told that everything was fantastic when really it wasn't your best.

I see your point. I have come across children who have never been wrong, and are brilliant at everything! Or so thy believe!!!!
'Little John, what colour is the grass!' 'Its purple', 'well done John, that was a brilliant answer, mummy take your picture for being so clever'

How often do celebrate a poo on the potty. The first couple yes, but claps and stickers weeks later, are they needed!

natlou82
08-11-2014, 08:58 AM
This is a really interesting topic. After reading a few of the attached articles I realise that although I do agree with rewarding positive behaviour I certainly don't throw around the words "good job" at every opportunity. I always encourage and explain my reasons for giving praise eg:- thank you for helping me tidy the farm away, now we can get the cars out and have more space to play. In my opinion you should read the articles and have them to hand when you chat to mum, get her perspective on what no praise looks like and go from there. It may be something you find you can work with but if not just be honest. Good luck.

NightOwl
08-11-2014, 09:09 AM
At home time recently I told a little one they were clever when they matched up two puzzle pieces they had been struggling with. The parents (a nice couple) told me that the nursery lo recently started at had advised them not to tell their child they are clever. I have been monitoring my choice of words when I praise lo but realise I am bit miffed at being dictated to by a nursery via parents when I have been looking after lo since they were a baby. Plus I think I'm getting old as I've heard all different advice changing back and forth over the years. Think I should name myself humbug- in time for Christmas.