PDA

View Full Version : Separation anxiety after a year?



sara_jayne
09-10-2014, 07:50 PM
Hi everyone

I've been a lurker on here for some time now but I feel I need to come out of hiding, so to speak, to get some advice about a mindee.

I've been looking after this mindee for over a year now and I'm worried because he's always so sad all of the time. Mum warned me from the outset that he had never been separated from her before and would probably cry, which he did, all day every day for the first few months. He was 10 months when he came to me so I put it down to pretty bad separation anxiety but thought it'd get better but it hasn't really.

He still cries at drop off, which I know isn't that unusual, but it's so much so that he's sick and, although he no longer cries constantly throughout the day, absolutely anything will set him off, and I mean anything. He doesn't like to play, I try all sorts to try and get him to participate but he just looks really anxious all the time and like he's going to break down into tears any second. He won't eat. He cries when I even mention the word lunch. His mum provides all his favourites but he won't touch them, but with his mum he eats fine. I'm at a bit of a loss if I'm honest. It's not like we haven't bonded, he's happy to come to me when he's sad and he has his moments where he'll relax and I catch a glimpse of what he's probably like with his mum, but most of the time he just seems so sad and desperate to see his mum; it must be awful for him.

I've spoken to his mum about all of this, she puts it down to him being sensitive and not being used to being separated from her, but I am concerned that he's still so sad after such a long time. We've tried various things to help him with his anxiety, playing and eating but nothing seems to help. I suppose what I'm asking is if anyone has any similar experiences and what they did to help their little one?

Thanks for reading, sorry it's a bit long winded!

Xx

natlou82
09-10-2014, 10:03 PM
Sorry I don't have any advice, but hope someone will come along soon with some pearls of wisdom. I have a toddler with separation anxiety but he's only been with me a month, but I will be watching this thread with interest for ideas. Welcome to the forum btw x

Koala
10-10-2014, 05:54 AM
This must be worrying and frustrating for you all at the same time, I am sure you have tried all sorts of strategies to interact, support and encourage this lo. Without knowing the child it is difficult to comment but I would just like to share my experience.

My son!! As a lo he was a VERY VERY strange child when it came to mixing outside our home. From what I saw he was a confident, energetic, boisterous and happy young man when he was with me. BUT when he went to childcare, nursery and school he was a gibbering wreck of nerves, uncertainty and a sad little boy This broke my heart for years, but it was just how he was right up until the 2nd year of high school - yes I have a lot of grey hair. He would go to nursery and they would call me to collect because he was just a gibbering wreck and this is why I started childminding, yes I tried different settings. schools in hindsight it wasn't the settings it was my son that had the problem. He would mix happily with children in his own home (HE HAD PROBABLY SCENTED HIS OWN TERRITORY BUT THATS ANOTHER STORY WITH THE TOILET ISSUE WHICH WAS DOWN TO HORMONE PROBLEMS) I don't think this helps you with your problem but I just wanted to assure that sometimes it is the child that just doesn't fit and support you in that you are probably questioning your own ability. One thing that my son used to like to do is have a bag with things in from home in that he would take with him when he went out, even with me or when we went on holiday. It had allsort of weird and wonderful things in not just toys, teddies and kid stuff, it had rocks and stones, pictures, socks! I called it his happy bag :D It was cute and a bit strange all at the same time but it helped him.

Maybe a happy bag might help your lo find the key to unlock his inner self. Good luck. :thumbsup:

hectors house
10-10-2014, 07:43 AM
Hi everyone

I've been a lurker on here for some time now but I feel I need to come out of hiding, so to speak, to get some advice about a mindee.

I've been looking after this mindee for over a year now and I'm worried because he's always so sad all of the time. Mum warned me from the outset that he had never been separated from her before and would probably cry, which he did, all day every day for the first few months. He was 10 months when he came to me so I put it down to pretty bad separation anxiety but thought it'd get better but it hasn't really.

He still cries at drop off, which I know isn't that unusual, but it's so much so that he's sick and, although he no longer cries constantly throughout the day, absolutely anything will set him off, and I mean anything. He doesn't like to play, I try all sorts to try and get him to participate but he just looks really anxious all the time and like he's going to break down into tears any second. He won't eat. He cries when I even mention the word lunch. His mum provides all his favourites but he won't touch them, but with his mum he eats fine. I'm at a bit of a loss if I'm honest. It's not like we haven't bonded, he's happy to come to me when he's sad and he has his moments where he'll relax and I catch a glimpse of what he's probably like with his mum, but most of the time he just seems so sad and desperate to see his mum; it must be awful for him.

I've spoken to his mum about all of this, she puts it down to him being sensitive and not being used to being separated from her, but I am concerned that he's still so sad after such a long time. We've tried various things to help him with his anxiety, playing and eating but nothing seems to help. I suppose what I'm asking is if anyone has any similar experiences and what they did to help their little one?

Thanks for reading, sorry it's a bit long winded!

Xx

Just wondered how often you have this little boy? I had a little one start with me at 14 months, he had been at Nursery for 3 months previously and just hadn't settled so Nursery suggested a home environment. His mum originally wanted Monday whole day and half day on a Thursday, I asked if her work could be flexible and if she could swap her whole day to a Friday - that way the lo came on a Thursday and was hard to settle and cried a lot but by coming again on the Friday he was more settled. Also made sure I had his favourite Cbeebies prog (Night Garden) recorded to put on to settle him sometimes as it was a link with home. He is 6 now - his mum e-mailed me yesterday to ask if I could have him for a day at half term, she gave him the choice of a Fun sports themed holiday club at school or going to Sarah's - delighted to hear that he wants to come to me.

I do agree with Koala sometimes it is just the child who is different not the setting (so don't blame yourself) - had one child years ago who wouldn't play with other children, hardly seemed to acknowledge they were even there unless they took something from her, she would only interact with adults. Her mum sent her to Nursery and changed 3 times and I understand that she is now on her 3rd school - poor child is only 8.

Just remind your little one that his mummy loves him very much and that she always comes back for him.

Simona
10-10-2014, 09:00 AM
Hi everyone

I've been a lurker on here for some time now but I feel I need to come out of hiding, so to speak, to get some advice about a mindee.

I've been looking after this mindee for over a year now and I'm worried because he's always so sad all of the time. Mum warned me from the outset that he had never been separated from her before and would probably cry, which he did, all day every day for the first few months. He was 10 months when he came to me so I put it down to pretty bad separation anxiety but thought it'd get better but it hasn't really.

He still cries at drop off, which I know isn't that unusual, but it's so much so that he's sick and, although he no longer cries constantly throughout the day, absolutely anything will set him off, and I mean anything. He doesn't like to play, I try all sorts to try and get him to participate but he just looks really anxious all the time and like he's going to break down into tears any second. He won't eat. He cries when I even mention the word lunch. His mum provides all his favourites but he won't touch them, but with his mum he eats fine. I'm at a bit of a loss if I'm honest. It's not like we haven't bonded, he's happy to come to me when he's sad and he has his moments where he'll relax and I catch a glimpse of what he's probably like with his mum, but most of the time he just seems so sad and desperate to see his mum; it must be awful for him.

I've spoken to his mum about all of this, she puts it down to him being sensitive and not being used to being separated from her, but I am concerned that he's still so sad after such a long time. We've tried various things to help him with his anxiety, playing and eating but nothing seems to help. I suppose what I'm asking is if anyone has any similar experiences and what they did to help their little one?

Thanks for reading, sorry it's a bit long winded!

Xx

If this child has been with you for a year he has experienced being away from his mum...she cannot say anymore he is not used to being away from her?
Maybe mum is anxious herself and transferring that to her child...it would be good to do a home visit and gather info from there....maybe you could suggest mum gets a bit of support from the Health Visitor?

Separation anxiety does show in babies but it also returns later in their development and can last a long time

This may help
How long does separation anxiety last? - Kidspot New Zealand.. (http://www.kidspot.co.nz/article+517+44+Coping-with-separation-anxiety.htm)

sara_jayne
10-10-2014, 12:37 PM
Thank you for your replies everyone, and for your reassurance as I have to admit that I have questioned my abilities on more than one occasion when it comes to this little man. Mum has mentioned though that he's like that with everyone other than her so I try not to take it personally but it is hard to see him so sad.

Thank you for sharing your experience with your son koala, and for your suggestion of a happy bag. I did try something similar a few months back where he brought toys from home that he loved, photos of mum etc, but it didn't really help. I would say he actually got more distressed seeing items from home, almost like they were a reminder that home existed but he wasn't there! But I like the idea that he has a bag that he takes with him even when he's at home so I'll certainly suggest that to mum.

Hector's house, I have him 4 days a week, with Wednesday being the day off... I have suggested to mum that 4 consecutive days may make a difference but she wasn't that taken with the idea... I think you may have hit the nail on the head Simona, I think mum has just as much anxiety about being separated from him as he does her. I have suggested she discuss these issues with the Health Visitor but again she just dismisses their advice to leave him with more people other than me and her.

Another thing on my mind is that his two year check is coming up but I don't feel like I've got an accurate assessment of his development because his anxiety stops him doing everything. Mum tells me what he does at home so I know he CAN do these things, I'm just not seeing them... do I mention it in the check?

Thanks again for your replies, it's nice to speak to other people about it!

lollipop kid
10-10-2014, 03:22 PM
I always do a home visit just before a child starts with me. This way, the child can see me as a safe person in their own home. I usually stay until the child is comfortable enough with me to plonk themselves on my lap - I spend a lot of time sitting on the floor with them at their level and being interested in their favourite toys, games etc.

If you haven't tried this yet, then I'd give it a go. It also allows me to look at the child's home environment i.e. interaction with mum/dad, favourite toys, activities, songs, where they sleep, the light levels in their room (for daytime naps), how their cot is laid out, comfort toys, etc.

I hope this helps.

Good luck,

M

Simona
11-10-2014, 06:54 AM
Thank you for your replies everyone, and for your reassurance as I have to admit that I have questioned my abilities on more than one occasion when it comes to this little man. Mum has mentioned though that he's like that with everyone other than her so I try not to take it personally but it is hard to see him so sad.

Thank you for sharing your experience with your son koala, and for your suggestion of a happy bag. I did try something similar a few months back where he brought toys from home that he loved, photos of mum etc, but it didn't really help. I would say he actually got more distressed seeing items from home, almost like they were a reminder that home existed but he wasn't there! But I like the idea that he has a bag that he takes with him even when he's at home so I'll certainly suggest that to mum.

Hector's house, I have him 4 days a week, with Wednesday being the day off... I have suggested to mum that 4 consecutive days may make a difference but she wasn't that taken with the idea... I think you may have hit the nail on the head Simona, I think mum has just as much anxiety about being separated from him as he does her. I have suggested she discuss these issues with the Health Visitor but again she just dismisses their advice to leave him with more people other than me and her.

Another thing on my mind is that his two year check is coming up but I don't feel like I've got an accurate assessment of his development because his anxiety stops him doing everything. Mum tells me what he does at home so I know he CAN do these things, I'm just not seeing them... do I mention it in the check?

Thanks again for your replies, it's nice to speak to other people about it!

Maybe the 2 yo progress check is the golden opportunity for you to be 'open and honest' with mum and mention her anxiety?...give her some articles to read
I think she may be actually grateful for it and may stop to reflect that her child will soon be in school...too young...too soon and too anxious...it is is not a perfect combination!!!

Good luck to you and your post has taken me back to the number of times I have experienced the same situation...not only was the parent anxious and it reflected on the child but ...somehow ...I got a touch of it too but not for long
you are not alone...go for it and have a very open and effective chat!