Advice wanted about settling in please

[toddlers896]

I have had a little boy (17months) who comes to me from 1 to 4.30 every day. I knew it wasn't going to be easy as mum told me that he has never been left with anybody except his nan. I did explain to her on sign up that if a child doesn't settle after a month or so then I will end contracts due to having one for seven months that didn't settle and having a very bad experience.
Anyway, I as expected he didn't settle too good, sobbed from the time mum left, wouldn't sit on my knee for a cuddle, wouldn't join in play, won't sit at a table to eat or crafts. He gets his bag and stands at the door.
Two weeks later he starts to get better. Still cries when mum leaves and will play but as he is playing he is whining like he is telling me something as he is pointing to the door and tears roll down his face every now and then.by the end of the third week he had a really lovely day, we went to the park so what I have discovered is that he is ok if we go out in the buggy which ime not prepared to do all the time as we have plans.
Anyway, yesterday was a nightmare again, he cried from the moment his mum left, wouldn't join in again, he just whined all afternoon, he wasn't sobbing just moaning in a really annoying voice and lots of tears. To be honest it drove me up the wall in the end as I couldn't concentrate on the other kids and I just thought aaaaahhh.
When nan came to pick him up she could tell from his eyes that he had been crying all afternoon. I told her about the moaning/crying standing at the door thing and she said he does this at hers and at home too and she doesn't have an answer.
So now I don't know what to do because I thought it was just a settling issue and we would hopefully get over it. I was even willing to do another month as I had faith but it sounds like it's a problem all the time. I seriously can't deal with this again every day. It really does stress me out and makes me hate this job. Should I tell mum that if it's happening at home this isn't going to work or should I wait a bit longer. Thanks x

[Kiddleywinks]

Only you know how much more your nerves can cope - it's like fingers down a blackboard isn't it? :(

If you can bear it a little longer, suggest extending the settling in period, try getting out and about more during this time, I know you say you have plans, but can you not change them in the short term - other LO's will benefit still from being outside, and the weather is likely to turn soon anyway so I know we're making the most of the milder weather.

Can mum leave a scarf or jumper with her smell on for comfort, have you found a toy he particularly likes that he can try and focus on?
I know I've been lucky with my screamer. We've generally cracked it by the time they've been here 6 weeks, but I do feel your pain, and many a day I was ready to say enough is enough. Then one day, LO smiled when I opened the door and is the happiest, laid back little man now. Can't believe it was the same child lol

[toddlers896]

Only you know how much more your nerves can cope - it's like fingers down a blackboard isn't it? :(

If you can bear it a little longer, suggest extending the settling in period, try getting out and about more during this time, I know you say you have plans, but can you not change them in the short term - other LO's will benefit still from being outside, and the weather is likely to turn soon anyway so I know we're making the most of the milder weather.

Can mum leave a scarf or jumper with her smell on for comfort, have you found a toy he particularly likes that he can try and focus on?
I know I've been lucky with my screamer. We've generally cracked it by the time they've been here 6 weeks, but I do feel your pain, and many a day I was ready to say enough is enough. Then one day, LO smiled when I opened the door and is the happiest, laid back little man now. Can't believe it was the same child lol

Hi kindly winks, thanks for your reply. It's not that we don't want to go out, it's our routine. We were out all day yesterday and had to be back for him coming at 1. It's then sleeps and lunch and then the school run at 3 so I can't go far. Then when we get back from the school run it's not enough time to go back to the park because he leaves at 4 so it's either the garden or nothing as his times have changed everybody's plans. My after schoolers used to go to the park straight after school or IDE take them to soft play but we can't do any of that now because of his hours. He has a dummy but still cries, he loves cars but will walk around saying car as he is crying. I say let's sit down and we can play together, he will for 2 minutes while he is crying then gets up and walks away again. The other children have said why is he crying all the time. I've explained that he is sad that his mummy has gone to work but after what nan said yesterday ime not convinced now. On Monday I thought we had cracked it, I text mum and said he is fine. He cried when mum left but he was happy to play in the garden, he did stand at the patio door moaning for a little bit to get back in but otherwise he was fine. I was so so happy as I thought yea he's gonna be fine but yesterday was a nightmare again. When nan said he does this at home and doesn't have an answer my first reaction was ime not putting up with this every other day or whenever it suits him. It's stressful!

[Mouse]

I feel your pain! I have a child who only comes 2 days a month. She's usually great, but last week she spent the whole day from 8am-5.30pm crying & whining. She wouldn't eat, she wouldn't play, she just stood asking where mummy was. The hour after lunch when she slept was bliss! It was only at pick up that mum told me she was under the weather, which probably explained it. I'm hoping next month is better!

It must be awful if you have it every day though. From your post I do wonder if you regret taking on a child for these hours as well as you realise they have quite an impact on your day. That's doubly hard - regret at the hours and a constantly unhappy child. As you have seen some improvement, I think I'd be tempted to give it perhaps an extra 2 weeks to see if the good days start to outnumber the bad. If not, I would give notice, telling mum that you don't like to see her child so unhappy.

[KateA]

Hi, I would say if you are already feeling this way and you are still in the settling in period I would say sorry no now. I too have had one who would not settle and kept giving him longer and longer but he never got any better if anything I would say he got worse in the end just could not take it any more - constant screaming and crying let never had any tears all temper he wanted to be held all day long and wont not stop screaming until I picked him then he was instantly smiley but minute he even sensed he has being put down the screaming started , he would not play just followed me round screaming.

Now, if I feel they are not settling but think there may be light at end of tunnel will extend settling period for another couple of weeks or month just to see but giving my self the option of be able to get rid straight away.

[toddlers896]

I feel your pain! I have a child who only comes 2 days a month. She's usually great, but last week she spent the whole day from 8am-5.30pm crying & whining. She wouldn't eat, she wouldn't play, she just stood asking where mummy was. The hour after lunch when she slept was bliss! It was only at pick up that mum told me she was under the weather, which probably explained it. I'm hoping next month is better!

It must be awful if you have it every day though. From your post I do wonder if you regret taking on a child for these hours as well as you realise they have quite an impact on your day. That's doubly hard - regret at the hours and a constantly unhappy child. As you have seen some improvement, I think I'd be tempted to give it perhaps an extra 2 weeks to see if the good days start to outnumber the bad. If not, I would give notice, telling mum that you don't like to see her child so unhappy.

It is awful when you have it every day. You start to dread them coming. Don't get me wrong, I feel so sorry for the child as he is the one suffering but this is my weakness in this job and I can't bear it day in day out. When I took this child on I did consider the impact it would have on the other childrens routine but decided we can sacrifice outings in the afternoon and do other things instead (cheaper too)but I have to be honest and say I would rather have our old routine back any day. I will do another month after this one ends and see if he is any happier. If not I will have to let him go.

[gwm]

Find out from Gran how mum leaves him. Does she say goodbye and reassure him or does she slip away? If her method of leaving him isn't correct, he will never trust that she is coming back and he will not settle!

[toddlers896]

Confused.com

Can't believe how happy the child was today. He was more than happy to play, he gave me cuddles and then we went for a walk in town. He fell asleep in the buggy for 30mins so I had a lovely sneaky coffee and then when we got back home we were playing with the shape sorter, knocking down blocks and he was happy as larry. I am just so pleased. I have asked mum if I can have him all day tomorrow free of charge for the extra hours as I think it will do him the world of good to go to playgroup with us. I am hopefull so Watch this space !!:thumbsup:

[smurfette]

Confused.com Can't believe how happy the child was today. He was more than happy to play, he gave me cuddles and then we went for a walk in town. He fell asleep in the buggy for 30mins so I had a lovely sneaky coffee and then when we got back home we were playing with the shape sorter, knocking down blocks and he was happy as larry. I am just so pleased. I have asked mum if I can have him all day tomorrow free of charge for the extra hours as I think it will do him the world of good to go to playgroup with us. I am hopefull so Watch this space !!:thumbsup:
Fantastic news!! Well done!

[Kiddleywinks]

Sounds to me like that's a breakthrough - not going to say cracked it just yet (1 full week needed for that lol), but good day today, bad day yesterday, looks like extending the settling in period may be worth doing in this instance.

Well done :yay: