How to say don't without saying don't

[Elkie Mawdsley]

Hello everyone.

Finding it difficult to put a positive spin on things when lo is doing something I'd prefer they wouldn't.

the course I did said to avoid using 'don't' or 'no'. What do you all do.

E.g. - this morning lo wanted to put stones from garden in his mouth - what would you say?

[JCrakers]

I think I'm old skool when it comes to this topic :)

I just say please don't put those stones in your mouth and give an explanation

I've been working with children for 20yrs and I'm not into not saying 'no' I think children need to be told and I don't believe with skirting round all the words that are supposed to be negative....how are they going to cope when they get into the real world :)

But a lot of people will probably disagree with me on this subject but that's my opinion :)


On the other hand I don't use the word naughty as that's a label.... I don't say ' that's naughty' or 'you're a naughty boy' etc. and I don't say 'that's not the way to do it' or 'don't do it like that'
I say 'that's great, shall we try it like this' but when it comes to the child doing something like touching the TV screen etc then I just say 'no, we don't touch that'

[AliceK]

I think I'm old skool when it comes to this topic :)

I just say please don't put those stones in your mouth and give an explanation

I've been working with children for 20yrs and I'm not into not saying 'no' I think children need to be told and I don't believe with skirting round all the words that are supposed to be negative....how are they going to cope when they get into the real world :)

But a lot of people will probably disagree with me on this subject but that's my opinion :)


On the other hand I don't use the word naughty as that's a label.... I don't say ' that's naughty' or 'you're a naughty boy' etc. and I don't say 'that's not the way to do it' or 'don't do it like that'
I say 'that's great, shall we try it like this' but when it comes to the child doing something like touching the TV screen etc then I just say 'no, we don't touch that'

I'm with you.
It's a load of modern rubbish to say it will potentially damage a child to hear the words "No" or "Don't" etc. There are far worse things that do children harm both mentally and physically than to be told No. All this mamby pamby ing around children nowadays is what will be the ruin of this country. I don't label children and have never told any child "you are naughty" but I have said that "That (as in an action) is naughty". I do however always praise lots.

xxxx

[Mouse]

I think these days we're too afraid of saying "no" to young children when that is sometimes what they really need to hear!

If a child is going to run into a road, hit another child, put something into their mouth that they shouldn't, "no, don't do that" is what they need to hear. I don't see the need for finding a nicer, gentler way of saying it. The need to know that "no" means there is no other behaviour in this instance, they need to do as they are told.

For example, with your child in the garden, I would have said "no, don't put stones in your mouth". You're telling them what they need to know. What alternatives could you have used? "Let's leave the stones where they are?" I suppose that might have done, but it doesn't do anything to reinforce the idea that he mustn't put stones in his mouth. In this case he does need to learn that this is something he can't do, full stop.

The times I do avoid using "no" are when there is an acceptable alternative behaviour. If they're going to take a toy from another child, I wouldn't necessarily say "no, don't take that toy", I might say "X is playing with that toy, so can you give it back please? If you wait nicely, you can have it when he's finished." Or, if they ask to get the paints out, I wouldn't say no, I'd say we can't get them out just at the moment, but if you wait until after lunch we will be able to have them out then.

I don't think it's a case of avoiding saying "no" or "don't" completely. You need to decide when it's needed and when it's OK to say it. Above all, don't be afraid of saying "no" when you have to :thumbsup:

[Tealady]

It's not so much about a positive spin and not saying "No" it's more about how the LO's hear what your saying.

If you say "Don't put the stones in your mouth." they only often hear the last bit i.e. " put the stones in your mouth" or just "stones in your mouth"

So you tell them what you want them to do in another way. "Please put the stones down" or "You need to take the stones out of your mouth now" Then when they've complied you tell them why.

So if a child is running when you need them to walk tell them what you want them to do; "Walk" rather than what you don't want them to do.

[Mouse]

But I do agree with the other posters. I never use the word "naughty".

It surprises me that some people are so against using the "no" word, but will readily tell a child they are naughty, or put them on the naughty step. To me, that is more likely to cause harm than telling them "no" from time to time.

[amylouise867]

It's not so much about a positive spin and not saying "No" it's more about how the LO's hear what your saying. If you say "Don't put the stones in your mouth." they only often hear the last bit i.e. " put the stones in your mouth" or just "stones in your mouth" So you tell them what you want them to do in another way. "Please put the stones down" or "You need to take the stones out of your mouth now" Then when they've complied you tell them why. So if a child is running when you need them to walk tell them what you want them to do; "Walk" rather than what you don't want them to do.

I was just about to say this.

Especially for younger children they only hear part of what you say and can't comprehend long sentences sometimes.

It's important to be to the point, clear and direct in as little words as possible.
Just consider your phrase and make sure you don't end your sentence with what you are trying to teach them to stop doing.
Like the running example
"No walk don't run" some children may only hear the word 'run' so will continue to run.
Instead be more direct "no walk".

I agree though be positive where you can but there is nothing wrong with being direct and saying 'no' and 'don't'.

My little one picks stones up and she is very young so I try to encourage her to drop them into the watering can I leave out or a pot which she also puts sticks into.

This was initially to distract her from putting them in her mouth and every time she attempted to I would say "no, yak can you put them in the can?".

I found that she repeated what I said in future situations and could see her thinking about putting it to her mouth and the reminding herself "no it's yak" lol lol

Just try to use words that mean something to them so they can understand what you're saying.
My little one says 'yak' when her hands are dirty, when she spits food out she doesn't like etc so it's a word she understands.

Hope that helps :) x

[tess1981]

I have it in my policies that sometimes a child needs to be told no... running in the road as an example...

[Chatterbox Childcare]

Shall we take those out, they could make your tummy hurt

They are hard and might hurt your teeth and guide his arm away from his mouth

my favourite "DON'T

[Natalierose]

I got sick of hearing myself say no so now I will quite often say "not climbing, not throwing, not pushing" etc same thing really but I most certainly still say no.

[ziggy]

I would say 'we dont put stones in our mouth' or 'we dont eat stones' but if i see child doing something which could be a danger I would say 'no'.

I try to be positive by saying 'we walk holding the buggy', 'we are kind to our friends', 'we share the toys' but sometimes we have to use no or dont. My son is 34 and he hasnt been too badly damaged by being told no:laughing::laughing::laughing:

[hectors house]

On my signing course we were told to say & sign "STOP" rather than No - sometimes I make an Aaaa sound instead but then my husband said I sound like that character Ann from Little Britain!

[AliceK]

On my signing course we were told to say & sign "STOP" rather than No - sometimes I make an Aaaa sound instead but then my husband said I sound like that character Ann from Little Britain!

I do the aaa sound quite a lot, that along with "the look" usually stops anyone in their tracks lol (including my puppy)

xxx

[Elkie Mawdsley]

Thanks everyone x

[AdeleMarie88]

I think words like "no" and "don't" are very important words for children to know and hear.

Today for example, we were at a soft play, and it's this huge indoor climbing experience, and the children love it, I had one 3yr old girl with me, and I heard her screaming, I ran to where I could hear her, and a boy was pulling her skirt down, and she was screaming "no, you don't do that to me" . It really struck me how important, the word no is, and how children need to understand when they hear no, it's absolute, and they must listen/be listened too.

I fully appreciate screaming no every second isn't going to encourage toddlers to listen to you, but if you provide them with reasoning they can understand, then it will make them think.

Don't ever feel bad for using those negative words, sometimes, some behaviour is negative, and it needs to be addressed as such!

[Simona]

Hello everyone.

Finding it difficult to put a positive spin on things when lo is doing something I'd prefer they wouldn't.

the course I did said to avoid using 'don't' or 'no'. What do you all do.

E.g. - this morning lo wanted to put stones from garden in his mouth - what would you say?

We can say NO but follow it with an explanation...No because that can hurt you...or you could swallow that stone....
Please don't do that because...
This way we are asking children to reason as to the consequences of their actions and setting boundaries.

[Maza]

I think words like "no" and "don't" are very important words for children to know and hear.

Today for example, we were at a soft play, and it's this huge indoor climbing experience, and the children love it, I had one 3yr old girl with me, and I heard her screaming, I ran to where I could hear her, and a boy was pulling her skirt down, and she was screaming "no, you don't do that to me" . It really struck me how important, the word no is, and how children need to understand when they hear no, it's absolute, and they must listen/be listened too.

I fully appreciate screaming no every second isn't going to encourage toddlers to listen to you, but if you provide them with reasoning they can understand, then it will make them think.

Don't ever feel bad for using those negative words, sometimes, some behaviour is negative, and it needs to be addressed as such!

I read somewhere that if children are never told "no" then they don't learn how to say no to others - and this is very dangerous as there are obviously going to be times when they need to say no in a variety of contexts throughout their lives. Obviously, we use the word wisely and give an explanation or tell them the desirable behaviour if possible.

[kat27]

On my signing course we were told to say & sign "STOP" rather than No - sometimes I make an Aaaa sound instead but then my husband said I sound like that character Ann from Little Britain!

Haha my partner says the Ann comment to me!! Lol x

[Simona]

I read somewhere that if children are never told "no" then they don't learn how to say no to others - and this is very dangerous as there are obviously going to be times when they need to say no in a variety of contexts throughout their lives. Obviously, we use the word wisely and give an explanation or tell them the desirable behaviour if possible.

Yes that is part of teaching children how to say NO when someone does things they do not like......it is also recommended when teaching children to avoid bullying
The word NO is often replaced by 'STOP...I don't like it' with children putting their hand out to reinforce the words.

It is used in many training and can be read in many behaviour management books

There are two types of NO...many parents cannot ever say 'no' to their children and are considered indulgent so they seek help in becoming more 'assertive' in their parenting style..while others use 'no' to manage behaviour but it does create a negative environment for children

I agree with you that giving an explanation as to why that behaviour is 'unacceptable' is the best way to guide them

There are plenty of tips if anyone googles 'saying no' to children

[Maza]

Yes that is part of teaching children how to say NO when someone does things they do not like......it is also recommended when teaching children to avoid bullying
The word NO is often replaced by 'STOP...I don't like it' with children putting their hand out to reinforce the words.

It is used in many training and can be read in many behaviour management books

There are two types of NO...many parents cannot ever say 'no' to their children and are considered indulgent so they seek help in becoming more 'assertive' in their parenting style..while others use 'no' to manage behaviour but it does create a negative environment for children

I agree with you that giving an explanation as to why that behaviour is 'unacceptable' is the best way to guide them

There are plenty of tips if anyone googles 'saying no' to children

Yes, I think it was more the 'concept' of 'no' that the article I read was referring to, rather than the actual word.

[SYLVIA]

I use the word no but general say the child's name first. Naughty was a word i didn't really use. But the ones I have here at the moment only seem to understand me when I use the word naughty. Then they finally understand and stop doing whatever it is that I don't want them to do

[JCrakers]

I always say things like

Instead of 'don't run' I say ' please can we walk' or 'I'd like to see you walking please''
Instead of 'can you stop running off ahead' I say ' please hold onto the buggy, let's walk together'
Instead of 'stop messing around on the top of the slide' I say ' can I see you sitting down at the top of the slide please'

And then an explanation...you might fall and hurt yourself, we need to keep safe on the roads....etc

So it's all about using positive talk instead of yelling don't do that all the time :)

But I did have a chat with a mum the other day who doesn't say no to her toddler at all.......and that's why she was pulling her hair out!!!! She'd been told at one of these groups not to say no.

Its about saying no at the correct time and not just yelling NO like you hear some mums shout....