View Full Version : Own child scared of mindee - any coming back from this?
Clementine
22-05-2014, 05:43 PM
I have been minding this child (aged 2) for about 9 months now. The last four or five months he has been steadily getting more and more aggressive, hitting and often biting. I believe the cause is a combination of over-tiredness (he point blank refuses naps no matter what I try), teething and over excitement - it doesn't seem to be malicious, although he doesn't like boundaries at all and gets quite cross when told he can't do/have something. His parents are very loving and gentle (although quite permissive) and he has been hitting all of the children I mind indiscriminately (even a baby), and hitting and biting at groups with his mum, so it's not isolated to just with me. I'm working on changing this, although it is clear that it is not a quick phase, and it really comes out of the blue when he lashes out. Even when I am right there, it seems to come out of nowhere, and he will hit out when a moment before all the children were playing happily. The trouble is, my child and another of the mindees have become quite scared of this boy, and even though he is sweet 80% of the time, they find it hard to let their guard down as they are afraid he will hit or bite. This has lead to them ostrasicing him and leaving him out of their play, which in turn leads to more aggression. A bit of a downwards spiral.
I have spoken to mum about needing to put in place some consistent boundaries and reactions for when he hits or bites, but my child (aged 3) has decided (understandably) that this little boy is unkind and scary, and keeps asking me to tell him not to come anymore. I don't know if I am wasting my time, and it is important to me that my LO feels safe at home. Also, my LO has started hitting or pushing him out of fear whenever he approaches, which is a big concern to me as this has never happened before and I don't want it to become normal or a habit.
Anyone have any ideas on the best thing to do? I must admit, the hours are perfect for me and the 80% of the time he is sweet I love having him. It's a very tough decision!
Koala
22-05-2014, 06:12 PM
I would listen to my lo - no way should he feel scared of anyone especially in his own home - for me and I know it's easy for me to say but there would be no contest, I could be earning all the tea in china for doing what I love but if it hurts my babe - I would have to say goodbye.
Any child's behavior that has an adverse effect on any other child, has to be addressed - which you have, if it persists - you have to take action. You child and the other children have a right to play safely and not be threatened.
I think you know this already? what a rubbish position to be in. Good luck.
loocyloo
22-05-2014, 06:21 PM
I would listen to my lo - no way should he feel scared of anyone especially in his own home - for me and I know it's easy for me to say but there would be no contest, I could be earning all the tea in china for doing what I love but if it hurts my babe - I would have to say goodbye.
Any child's behavior that has an adverse effect on any other child, has to be addressed - which you have, if it persists - you have to take action. You child and the other children have a right to play safely and not be threatened.
I think you know this already? what a rubbish position to be in. Good luck.
I agree with koala,
tough position to be in and not nice, but you have to put your own LO first.
xxx
How would you feel if the other mindees gave notice because their parents knew their little one doesn't want to be around the boy? You would then be out of pocket and just have this child who scares your own DD. X
Clementine
22-05-2014, 07:36 PM
That's true and I don't want to lose them. I just keep thinking if we can get past this and stop the aggression, long term it would be a really good placement as he is so sweet the rest of the time (and also his mum is a friend). I think you are right though, it's not fair on the others to be constantly in fear of being hit. :(
shortstuff
22-05-2014, 07:42 PM
Coming from a family where my mother put everything else above my needs please listen to your lo.
Im not trying to suggest you have anything in commen with my mother but please show your lo that his feelings are very important to you and help by removing this other lo from his safe zone x
Clementine
22-05-2014, 07:53 PM
My child is absolutely my number one priority, I just didn't want to be hasty and for the parents to feel like I haven't given it enough of a chance. Several of the children I have cared for have gone through a hitting phase, but never more than a month, and this is going on four! Would you give notice (2 weeks) or would you end with immediate effect due to the violence? It's going to be so very awkward, not sure how best to approach it...
shortstuff
22-05-2014, 08:18 PM
I fully understand x you are in a tough spot and I wasn't trying to judge. I hope you didn't take any offence.
I would base my decision on if you have seen any improvement in los behaviour. Are the parents trying to help with him? If yes maybe stick with 2 weeks unless there is a repeat then it becomes immediate.
Clementine
22-05-2014, 09:06 PM
I fully understand x you are in a tough spot and I wasn't trying to judge. I hope you didn't take any offence.
I would base my decision on if you have seen any improvement in los behaviour. Are the parents trying to help with him? If yes maybe stick with 2 weeks unless there is a repeat then it becomes immediate.
No, no offense taken at all! I appreciate your honesty. He hits every single session so there is no chance of it not being repeated... Today he slapped my LO in the face right in front of me when he was already crying about falling over. I was so angry and felt awful for my LO! Will have to call mum for a chat tomorrow I think.
Many years ago my niece's childminder gave notice for the very same reasons - and the mums were very good friends too. Yes, it was a bit awkward, but at the end of the day the childminder's own kids were much happier. My niece was very aggressive but her parents just didn't 'see' it. What I'm trying to say to you is that 'it happens'. You won't be the first or the last childminder to give notice for something like that. I never work with friends for that very reason.
It will be tricky wording it. Hopefully someone else will come along on here who has had experiences of writing such letters. x
Dragonfly
23-05-2014, 12:29 PM
.. Today he slapped my LO in the face right in front of me when he was already crying about falling over. :(
I think that above sentence should have given you your answer, your child was crying about falling over and he got a slap in the face from this child. If it is a regular thing I would give notice. Your child should feel safe in their own home not upset and frightened.Not a nice thing to have to do give notice but you should.
shortstuff
23-05-2014, 01:21 PM
No, no offense taken at all! I appreciate your honesty. He hits every single session so there is no chance of it not being repeated... Today he slapped my LO in the face right in front of me when he was already crying about falling over. I was so angry and felt awful for my LO! Will have to call mum for a chat tomorrow I think.
I think the chat is long overdue. Good luck and let us know how you go x