How to approach parents in denial...?

[Fitrix]

Hello all, I'm looking for some thoughts/advice from fellow minders. I look after a little one who has recognised developmental delay in a few areas. I really had to push and push (in a very diplomatic way!) for parents to seek medical advice and he is about to receive additional help in nursery and school. I have tried and tried talking to the school about him but they really seem to do their level best to brush me off. His parents are lovely but very much in denial about his issues and also tend to brush things off a lot. He started one course of therapy but parents pulled him as they didn't think it was working (really didn't give it a chance). This little one is clearly struggling and I believe could do with further intervention but I don't feel able to talk to the parents about it as I think they would be annoyed with me. The behaviours this little one is exhibiting are very specific and have confounded me for months - but I have just come across a syndrome which seems to fit this child perfectly. It is little known and has quite far reaching consequences should it be the correct diagnosis. However, if the child does have this syndrome there are obviously known ways of dealing with it which might help.
Obviously I am completely unable to make a medical diagnosis but this syndrome just really fits and I really feel he might benefit from getting a proper diagnosis from a professional. I am worried that school/some medical authority will just pass him off with ADHD/ODD/PDA which seems to be the bandwagon they immediately jump on. But I also feel I have hassled the parents enough and any more talk of the little one's delays might push them over the edge and even if they do listen they won't bother pursuing tests or pushing for the help he could get!
What would you do? Would you talk to the parents and tell them about the syndrome? Or would you just do your best by the child by looking after him in your capacity as a childminder and trust that the school/education system will do the right thing by him?

[wee_elf]

is there a 'team around the child' in place? It may give you the opportunity to have a word with the lead practitioner to review the therapy in the next meeting xx

[Fitrix]

I have no idea! This is the problem - I am getting zero information from parents or the school. I know the child now has an IEP (Individual Education Program) and 'someone' will sit one to one in the classroom. But I expected to be kept in the loop regards meetings/panels/reports/planning etc. and have quite obviously not been! This is why I don't feel able to talk to the parents - they are not sharing info. But I have to respect that is their right. Its whether I push it or not!

[Boris]

What support is in place already? Does he have a CAF? Are the parents able to fully understand the situation? Sorry for the questions! Its common for parents to be in denial about their childs difficulties but I understand how frustrating it is from your point of view. I know you feel like you are nagging and are worried about making them cross but I think keep going. You are doing what you know is right for the child. They are obviously not going to instigate further help for him so you are the only one who can help him. I would spell it out and say they really need to work with you on this to improve outcomes for their child. Good luck! I probably wouldn't mention the syndrome to them as it might scare them. Maybe you could get them to sign consent for you to speak to their health visitor?
I had a child who has ASD. His mum was very reluctant to seek help. I wrote a massive list of observations and issues for her to take to the GP which helped her as she didn't have to talk much herself. Would something like that help?

[Fitrix]

That sounds like a good idea - I will draw up a list of obs and notes. Don't know about a CAF. Parents handled the GP's referral and like I say haven't involved me at all in outcomes other than the absolute minimum. Mum mentioned that the child had a IEP in place which would be starting from now, as she ran past me in the playground after drop off! My worry is that they have pursued medical advice and have mentally ticked it off their list of doing what they can. I don't believe they would go back or chase the relevant authorities anymore without a concrete reason to have to.
I have just found out something which further reinforces my belief that this syndrome is what the child has. A worrying aspect is that if I am right, the child will definitely pass the learning disabilities onto the next generation...... What if it goes undiagnosed and I am right? I really don't know what to do for best.

[loocyloo]

do you have permission from mum to speak to other professionals about the child?

( I have it as 'standard' ... to cover HV, teachers, childrens centre staff etc )

and could you then arrange to talk to the school SENCO? they must surely be as concerned and as it sounds like the child is at full time school, they must be observing/noticing the same behaviours you are. as you are part of the childs 'team' then you do need to know what is going on. hopefully if you can get school 'on side' they can encourage the parents to involve you for the best of the child.

I think sometimes parents think that if they don't tell us, we won't treat their child any differently, without understanding that we need to know so that we DON'T treat the child differently!

good luck xx

( ps, I agree with the other poster who said not to mention the syndrome you suspect, but maybe if you were writing a list of observations down for parents/school/whoever, you could focus on those that you think highlight the syndrome )

[Chatterbox Childcare]

How old is the child? If the school have an IEP in place then they may have it under control. they may not want to discuss it with you because they might not have parental permission to do so.

[Simona]

As you are caring for this child when not in school it is best to get support so you can do your best for him/her
Every LA has an Area SEN-CO who advises all settings...call and ask for support

At this stage the parents are not in denial because help is already in place at school but not with you....the child needs continuity and keeping you out will not be effective

[FloraDora]

Ultimately it is up to the parents.

I am confused about why they are not keeping you in the loop, is it a deliberate strategy to keep you out of the loop or that they think things are going ok now an IEP is in place at school and therefore in their eyes there is nothing to say?

Personally, I think correspondence and communication with the school should go through parents once they start school. Sometimes, especially if there is special needs involved, personal family details are linked and this may be private information that they do not wish to share with childminders.
Get parent permission to talk about daily routine, topics, focusses, the way they approach phonics, handwriting etc.. Things you can support the child with, but it is the parents place to talk to the school about SEN issues and if they don't want to involve their childminder, that is their prerogative.

If he has just had an IEP then this needs time to run and evaluate before any more SEN steps are taken. The school will involve the Senss team, educational psychologists, and paediatrician and plan the best way forward for this little one, all these professional people will be well aware of potential syndromes but will gather evidence before diagnosing which will involve highly researched assessments completed by competent, experienced professionals.

On your next review with parents I would discuss all the observations you have made, put it in writing and annotate as you chat so that it is easy for them to pass on to the SENCO if they wish. Give them a little form to pass on to school with How can my childminder support ..... After school type sections: handwriting, phonics, behaviour etc.. And a space for future topics.
Or ask the parents for a copy of their parent curriculum information, which mosts schools do now, so that you can see their focus this term.
Beware of internet diagnosing, in the same way as we shouldn't go on to the medical sites and self diagnose we also should not use educational/ medical/ psychological sites to label children.
Leave it up to the professionals, it is very rare now that they get it wrong.

[FloraDora]

As you are caring for this child when not in school it is best to get support so you can do your best for him/her
Every LA has an Area SEN-CO who advises all settings...call and ask for support

At this stage the parents are not in denial because help is already in place at school but not with you....the child needs continuity and keeping you out will not be effective

Great idea ...but It is my experience that they would not support childminders without parent involvement and then through parents. They are on such a tight budget these days they barely have time to support schools. Schools are usually allocated time, based on the pupil make up and any other liaison would be expected to go through parents I fear.

It's all about hours and financing.

Unless it comes under safeguarding and then the childminder might be involved with pastoral support plan.....

[VeggieSausage]

I have had experience of parents in denial and I have worried myself sick over children that I think need extra help when I first began minding....however....it is our job I think to look after the children we are with, signpost parents to HVs and docs or other specialists but if parents don't want to or don't want to tell you what is going on about their child then that is up to them.....if they didn't feel the therapy their child was getting suited them or their needs then it is up to them......having a diagnosis does not change the child you have and sometimes parents just want to leave their children to be the children they are, and if there is a serious issue the school will flag it up and get support surely.....

ps - just re-read and was not meaning to be snotty in my tone more one of discussion!!! apologies if it comes across differently

VS x

[Fitrix]

Ultimately it is up to the parents.

I am confused about why they are not keeping you in the loop, is it a deliberate strategy to keep you out of the loop or that they think things are going ok now an IEP is in place at school and therefore in their eyes there is nothing to say?

Personally, I think correspondence and communication with the school should go through parents once they start school. Sometimes, especially if there is special needs involved, personal family details are linked and this may be private information that they do not wish to share with childminders.
Get parent permission to talk about daily routine, topics, focusses, the way they approach phonics, handwriting etc.. Things you can support the child with, but it is the parents place to talk to the school about SEN issues and if they don't want to involve their childminder, that is their prerogative.

If he has just had an IEP then this needs time to run and evaluate before any more SEN steps are taken. The school will involve the Senss team, educational psychologists, and paediatrician and plan the best way forward for this little one, all these professional people will be well aware of potential syndromes but will gather evidence before diagnosing which will involve highly researched assessments completed by competent, experienced professionals.

On your next review with parents I would discuss all the observations you have made, put it in writing and annotate as you chat so that it is easy for them to pass on to the SENCO if they wish. Give them a little form to pass on to school with How can my childminder support ..... After school type sections: handwriting, phonics, behaviour etc.. And a space for future topics.
Or ask the parents for a copy of their parent curriculum information, which mosts schools do now, so that you can see their focus this term.
Beware of internet diagnosing, in the same way as we shouldn't go on to the medical sites and self diagnose we also should not use educational/ medical/ psychological sites to label children.
Leave it up to the professionals, it is very rare now that they get it wrong.


Totally agree that the IEP needs time to run and I will leave it for now. Making obs and detailed notes for parents to share is clearly the way to go. Thank you all for your input. I am very sceptical of authorities making correct diagnosis - as I said before, they seem all too eager to label children with the usual suspect syndromes - which admittedly have very similar symptoms of behaviour - but there are very subtle differences to the behaviours exhibited by this mindee which I believe are being missed by school and ignored/denied by parents! As to why I am being kept out of the loop - I think the parents just want a "normal" child and find it difficult to come to terms with the reality of the situation. The child is functioning ok at school (nursery attached to primary school) as I believe he has good coping mechanisms and the teachers really are just noticing. However, hopefully the intervention will benefit and things will improve.

[Fitrix]

Thanks veggie sausage! I didn't think your reply was snotty at all! You are right in saying a diagnosis does not change the child you have.... I myself think knowledge is power and I'm the sort of person that arms themself with as much info on a subject as possible, but I guess you're right. I need to be there for the child in the best way for him.

[Simona]

Denial is something that can happen to all of us and for many reasons we could list here

For parents who deep down know something is not quite right in their child development denial comes in as a form of defense...we need to approach this with sensitivity and not just by labelling the parents

It is difficult and can make us feel powerless and frustrated because we want to help but there are huge psychological barriers the parents need to be helped to overcome

What Is Denial? - Defense Mechanisms (http://psychology.about.com/od/theoriesofpersonality/ss/defensemech_3.htm)