please help feel like crying (not a cm matter)

[kims kingdom]

For two days my son whos 6 has been naughty at school during dinnertime play.
First day he said a horrible comment to another child which he got punshied at home
So still very annoyed today I see my son while doing a nursery drop off I said be good
Which were my last words to him get called into class after school and he hit someone today!!
Still fumin after yesturday can't believe he would do it very annoyed upset embarrassed to have to be
Called it twice in one week.
He got his cd player taken away and no football tonight he was upset his got to stay in at playtime tomorrow
And if he does anything else again he may not be allowed in school I could just cry two resons one
He was told off yesturday and secord I told him to be good prob 20 mins later his naughty.
Please help me I don't know what to do I don't want word to get around that a cm sons is a bully not just that im worried whats
Is going to happen tomorrow i had suggested that he needs to come home at diner time but it effects my work
Day plus he will still go out for another two beaks which tomorrow he will be with the teacher.
Please help me

[unalindura77]

For two days my son whos 6 has been naughty at school during dinnertime play.
First day he said a horrible comment to another child which he got punshied at home
So still very annoyed today I see my son while doing a nursery drop off I said be good
Which were my last words to him get called into class after school and he hit someone today!!
Still fumin after yesturday can't believe he would do it very annoyed upset embarrassed to have to be
Called it twice in one week.
He got his cd player taken away and no football tonight he was upset his got to stay in at playtime tomorrow
And if he does anything else again he may not be allowed in school I could just cry two resons one
He was told off yesturday and secord I told him to be good prob 20 mins later his naughty.
Please help me I don't know what to do I don't want word to get around that a cm sons is a bully not just that im worried whats
Is going to happen tomorrow i had suggested that he needs to come home at diner time but it effects my work
Day plus he will still go out for another two beaks which tomorrow he will be with the teacher.
Please help me

Erm I'm not much help I'm afraid I just wanted to say, the school should offer you a bit more support maybe taking the time to go through a plan of action so you can both work on it? You sound like you're very worried and you have reason to be but don't worry, no one is perfect and no one's children are either. Keep calm, I'm sure his behaviour will improve. He may be looking for attention? My daughter didn't do this but did have another issue at school and I know how bad that feels, but it has blown over, however at the time I cried every time I got in from leaving her there. It didn't last long but it really hurt!

I think he needs to see you react calmly to this. Try not to feel overwhelmed, ask the school for help and have a meeting with his teacher. Who knows what's triggering it?

Sorry I can't be of much help, just wanted to say, you're not alone!

Bug hugs to you!

[FloraDora]

Don't panic...he is only 6 years old. If these are two incidents and no 'previous history' then it is probably something to do with how he is feeling and therefore how he is reacting to interactions on the playground.
If this is a culmination of lots of incidents like this then there are certain steps you and school could be focussing on.

It all needs putting into perspective and finding out why he isn't being nice...it sounds very reactionary given you had only just spoken to him.....if he usually does what you tell him etc.. Then something happened I would think to cause him to react.
Is he like this in the classroom or just on the playground where there is a lot more freedom( and less supervision)?
Does he offer an explanation?
Is he behaving like this at home?
Is this behaviour unusual?
Is there anything at school or in his life that has changed?

Don't over react...if you withdraw him at lunchtime he isn't getting a chance to learn how to behave.
This couple of days of walking by the teacher, missing plays might do the trick.

The first port of call is for everyone to support him with managing his behaviour...there is no way the school can exclude him unless he is continually harming others, and even then they have to show what they have done to support him ( not just punish) if this is typical of his behaviour recently then he needs to have a behaviour support plan, written, discussed with you, and signed.

Obviously it's difficult for me to help not knowing all the facts..... But what I do know is that children respond to praise...so I would praise him for good behaviour...so instead of saying "behave" ask when you see him if he has had a good morning, then say how proud you are, well done, you've turned it round, brilliant ....these words will stick with him more than negative words or warnings....

Hope it resolves itself....don't worry too much... Just remember he has only been in this world for 6 years and is still learning....

[MessybutHappy]

Sounds like attention seeking, my advice would be to let what happens in school stay in school for now, talk to his teachers and make sure he knows you are, plus try to find out why he's doing it, there will be a reason, it may not be one we grown ups agree with but in his mind he will have been justified! I hope I don't sound harsh, but telling him to "be good" and then being cross when he isn't won't help, perhaps tell him that if he feels things may not be going right he should seek support from a teacher/ta instead of saying or doing nasty mean or hurtful things?
Six is a very common age for boys to go off on one, hormones start surging!

[MessybutHappy]

And what Flora said!

[kims kingdom]

Don't panic...he is only 6 years old. If these are two incidents and no 'previous history' then it is probably something to do with how he is feeling and therefore how he is reacting to interactions on the playground.
If this is a culmination of lots of incidents like this then there are certain steps you and school could be focussing on.

It all needs putting into perspective and finding out why he isn't being nice...it sounds very reactionary given you had only just spoken to him.....if he usually does what you tell him etc.. Then something happened I would think to cause him to react.
Is he like this in the classroom or just on the playground where there is a lot more freedom( and less supervision)?
Does he offer an explanation?
Is he behaving like this at home?
Is this behaviour unusual?
Is there anything at school or in his life that has changed?

Don't over react...if you withdraw him at lunchtime he isn't getting a chance to learn how to behave.
This couple of days of walking by the teacher, missing plays might do the trick.

The first port of call is for everyone to support him with managing his behaviour...there is no way the school can exclude him unless he is continually harming others, and even then they have to show what they have done to support him ( not just punish) if this is typical of his behaviour recently then he needs to have a behaviour support plan, written, discussed with you, and signed.

Obviously it's difficult for me to help not knowing all the facts..... But what I do know is that children respond to praise...so I would praise him for good behaviour...so instead of saying "behave" ask when you see him if he has had a good morning, then say how proud you are, well done, you've turned it round, brilliant ....these words will stick with him more than negative words or warnings....

Hope it resolves itself....don't worry too much... Just remember he has only been in this world for 6 years and is still learning....
Thank u for reply
He has done it before but ages ago he nipped a girl I think its the same girl altho not sure
It seems like he doesnt know how to deal with situations other people doing things he doesnt like so instead of walking away he
Gets angry iam hoping missing play will help.
His not like it at home and luckly his not like it to my mindees his actually very sweet to my mindees and offten nice to his sister
I don't know what to do or say to him anymore
Yes good poin bout saying positive things as apose to negative ill def try but when I feel so much hurt and angry towards him at the min
Ive got to really try to think of some postives to actually say

Thanks for help
Everyone

[kims kingdom]

Sounds like attention seeking, my advice would be to let what happens in school stay in school for now, talk to his teachers and make sure he knows you are, plus try to find out why he's doing it, there will be a reason, it may not be one we grown ups agree with but in his mind he will have been justified! I hope I don't sound harsh, but telling him to "be good" and then being cross when he isn't won't help, perhaps tell him that if he feels things may not be going right he should seek support from a teacher/ta instead of saying or doing nasty mean or hurtful things?
Six is a very common age for boys to go off on one, hormones start surging!

I needed for him to listen and at the time its hard to remain calm when youve been called in by the teacher for the second time
But need to get him to realise to walk away not react by actin out where does a six yr oldget such angry from me and husband don't do anything like this.

[sarah707]

What is he trying to tell you? What has changed in his little life that has upset him?

Children don't normally change unless there is a catalyst. Is he upset about something at home? Is he being bullied? Is it a new teacher who doesn't 'get' him?

Something will be happening in his head. Take the pressure off and chat to him, see if he will open up. Does he have an older big brother type figure he can talk to? Or his football coach maybe or someone at church / a group he enjoys?

Hugs xx

[FloraDora]

Thank u for reply
He has done it before but ages ago he nipped a girl I think its the same girl altho not sure
It seems like he doesnt know how to deal with situations other people doing things he doesnt like so instead of walking away he
Gets angry iam hoping missing play will help.
His not like it at home and luckly his not like it to my mindees his actually very sweet to my mindees and offten nice to his sister
I don't know what to do or say to him anymore
Yes good poin bout saying positive things as apose to negative ill def try but when I feel so much hurt and angry towards him at the min
Ive got to really try to think of some postives to actually say

Thanks for help
Everyone

I have used this book lots with young children to help them understand about anger - with 100% positive impact....

What to Do When Your Temper Flares: A Kid's Guide to Overcoming Problems with Anger What-To-Do Guides for Kids: Amazon.co.uk: Dawn Huebner, Bonnie Matthews: Books (http://www.amazon.co.uk/What-When-Temper-Flares-What/dp/1433801345)

Try to look at his behaviour as a 'thing' and not be cross with him but cross with the 'thing' ..his behaviour ...show love and affection, don't linger on the bad behaviour..the school are punishing for that....change the subject, help him to be relaxed, but he knows you didn't like his behaviour....his mum and dad should always be there for him ...in the good and bad times....meanwhile, get to the bottom of the 'thing ' he has with this girl ...that could be the foundation of his anger...she may be really annoying to him , but never gets caught and tells on him !!!!!!

[kims kingdom]

What is he trying to tell you? What has changed in his little life that has upset him?

Children don't normally change unless there is a catalyst. Is he upset about something at home? Is he being bullied? Is it a new teacher who doesn't 'get' him?

Something will be happening in his head. Take the pressure off and chat to him, see if he will open up. Does he have an older big brother type figure he can talk to? Or his football coach maybe or someone at church / a group he enjoys?

Hugs xx
I just don't know no nothings changed I do know that little things will annoy him people will wind
Him up and he lets it get to him.
No his the oldest child how can I really know whats going on in the play ground its the dinner ladies that tells the
Teacher but do they see whats going on before my son does anything. I don't
Want to sound like his pecfect as I know he isnt but something triggers him to act out
His going to be known as a bully which looks good for me

[kims kingdom]

I have used this book lots with young children to help them understand about anger - with 100% positive impact....

What to Do When Your Temper Flares: A Kid's Guide to Overcoming Problems with Anger What-To-Do Guides for Kids: Amazon.co.uk: Dawn Huebner, Bonnie Matthews: Books (http://www.amazon.co.uk/What-When-Temper-Flares-What/dp/1433801345)

Try to look at his behaviour as a 'thing' and not be cross with him but cross with the 'thing' ..his behaviour ...show love and affection, don't linger on the bad behaviour..the school are punishing for that....change the subject, help him to be relaxed, but he knows you didn't like his behaviour....his mum and dad should always be there for him ...in the good and bad times....meanwhile, get to the bottom of the 'thing ' he has with this girl ...that could be the foundation of his anger...she may be really annoying to him , but never gets caught and tells on him !!!!!!

Thank u so much ive been on amazon and brought it .
Woohoo lets hope it works but going to calmly speak to him in the morning and go from there

[Maza]

I think you need to talk to him and ask him why he did what he did (if he knows). Did one of the other children have something he wanted? Did they push in front of him in the line? Was it completely unprovoked? Have a nice calm chat - difficult I know - because he won't open up or be honest if it is a heated discussion. Once you know why he did it, come up with some other things that he could have done instead of hitting/name calling. Could he tell a teacher/take a deep breath and count to 10 etc. If he has a really good day tomorrow give him tons of praise and tell him why you are praising him.

There are quite a few books that I have used over the years - 'I Feel Angry' and 'Anna Angrysorous' (about an angry dinosaur) are good ones. Maybe your library or school has a copy that they could let you borrow.

You could also ask the staff what activities they have at lunchtime to act as a distraction - do they have small equipment such as balls or hoops. Let us know how he gets on tomorrow. x

[FussyElmo]

I just don't know no nothings changed I do know that little things will annoy him people will wind
Him up and he lets it get to him.
No his the oldest child how can I really know whats going on in the play ground its the dinner ladies that tells the
Teacher but do they see whats going on before my son does anything. I don't
Want to sound like his pecfect as I know he isnt but something triggers him to act out
His going to be known as a bully which looks good for me

Lets get something straight he is not going to be known as a bully because of a bad week - else every single child would be.

Have you asked why he has hit this other child. Im asking as a mum with a 6 year old boy who on bad weeks can be asked by the teacher for a word after school. The record is 3 but these weeks are not the normal behaviour.

Last time I got called up and to be told he had hit someone I asked the teacher and ds why he had. Turned out the other boy had hit him first. So yes in my 6 year old head he was justified in hitting him back. The next day he had made an older child cry by pushing him over again I asked why to be told that this older boy had pushed his friend off his chair. Again in his head his actions were justified. Sometimes we expect children to conform to our reasoning but we have years to learn how to deal with situations hes had 6.

I also never punish ds again at home for something what happened at school. I will talk to him and explain why he shouldn't hit children and make them cry but I will also see it from his point of view. Another child had hit him or he was protecting his friend so he believed he was justified in his actions.

Talk to him - don't get upset and above all remember he is 6 :group hug:

[kims kingdom]

Thanks everyone feel a lot better from getting advice
Ive got the book on order and a night to think bout what to say to him but keep you informed as to what happens
At school tomorrow .
But teacher had said his doing and trying really hard in class
His been told to write a letter to the girl to say sorry which he will do in the play time
At school tomorrow not going out to play wil really upset him he loves being outside.

[kims kingdom]

So he was good woohoo but he was with teacher lets hope today he was good

[JCrakers]

Some good advice from everyone....Just remember we cant be good all the time, I'm 38 and still not perfect..lol

Everyone gets cross sometimes, he just needs to know you are there for him and if you have anymore concerns then school should be working with you to hopefully get to the bottom of things :D

[primula]

This might not be a popular view point but in my experience sometimes children like to press other kids 'buttons' and watch the reactions. If it is one other particular child perhaps it would be a good idea for the teacher to talk to the children together and sort it out.

[blue bear]

Hope things are settling, I'm with everyone else, there must be a reason six year olds don't just set out to hurt other because they can there is always a trigger never mind how small.

I too would not punish him at home unless the teacher has asked you to as part of a bigger plan. I feel parents need to know what has happened In the day but the adult in charge should deal with it and it be forgotten otherwise you are in danger of setting a trend, with the child feeling he needs to live up to his reputation.

[kims kingdom]

Just got phone call from school my delightful son has hurt someone can u come pick him up
Can't go as got lo here so dads gone im out of words to say to him he lost his cd player
Missed football training
Im worried his going to get kicked out if it doesnt get sorted out
Is it all down to parents
Do the school say anything ask him why I just don't know wish it was me picking him up
Please help I feel like im not doing anything right :(

[Emra81]

I'm surprised the school are excluding him...that's a very extreme measure, especially for a 6 year old. They may not have used the word exclude but that is what they're doing. Like you say, you know your son's not perfect (no one on the planet is!) but sending him home rather than dealing with it in school doesn't sit right with me. Unless this is a possible sanction that has been agreed with you beforehand and he's aware of it, its unusual to just exclude off the bat. Calling you in to discuss it together and come up with a plan of action going forward, definitely. But exclusion?! Obviously I don't know the ins and outs of what happened and of course that has to be dealt with but I wouldn't be happy if I were you. The risk with exclusion is that your son might prefer to be at home as he's obviously getting wound up at school for whatever reason and once he realises that certain behaviours mean he gets to go home.....its a rocky road.

[kims kingdom]

School think his got aspergus may be mild butbshowing signs
I have no knowledge of this I feel like im suppose to know everything my son ob has
Issues and I havent helped him his got a doc appointment tomorrow and meetings at
School hipe got excluded for afternoon going back tomorrow
Please help all I do is cry I jnow I need to pull myself together and im not upset that he may
Have apergus im upset that I didnt pick anything up I was horrible to him last week when he was
Naughty took cd player away he didnt go to football
Did I add to the problem???

[smurfette]

School think his got aspergus may be mild butbshowing signs I have no knowledge of this I feel like im suppose to know everything my son ob has Issues and I havent helped him his got a doc appointment tomorrow and meetings at School hipe got excluded for afternoon going back tomorrow Please help all I do is cry I jnow I need to pull myself together and im not upset that he may Have apergus im upset that I didnt pick anything up I was horrible to him last week when he was Naughty took cd player away he didnt go to football Did I add to the problem???

No of course not! Even if he has aspergers he still needs to know that his actions have consequences! Hugs for you xxx

[Tazmin68]

What the school needs to do is get you in to do an iep plan for your son. It will take quite some to if there is a diagnosis as your gp will need to refer. My oldest son has Asperger's and ADHD and it took 6 months to have a paedriatric appointment as had to have hearing test done first and then another 12 months before diagnosis of Asperger's and only 6 months ago which was 2 years after Asperger's has now diagnosed with ADHD as well.

[kims kingdom]

No of course not! Even if he has aspergers he still needs to know that his actions have consequences! Hugs for you xxx

Thank u
Yes the school does say its unkind to hurt others
he now will be in a nurture class at lunchtime I do always say to him even
If its his sister I say its not nice to hurt others.
But where do I go from here?

[kims kingdom]

What the school needs to do is get you in to do an iep plan for your son. It will take quite some to if there is a diagnosis as your gp will need to refer. My oldest son has Asperger's and ADHD and it took 6 months to have a paedriatric appointment as had to have hearing test done first and then another 12 months before diagnosis of Asperger's and only 6 months ago which was 2 years after Asperger's has now diagnosed with ADHD as well.

Really poor u how do u find things now?
Its the first step tomorrow first appointment at doctors but I dont know
what im expecting really and kinda a bit dont know what to do anymore

[FloraDora]

School think his got aspergus may be mild butbshowing signs
I have no knowledge of this I feel like im suppose to know everything my son ob has
Issues and I havent helped him his got a doc appointment tomorrow and meetings at
School hipe got excluded for afternoon going back tomorrow
Please help all I do is cry I jnow I need to pull myself together and im not upset that he may
Have apergus im upset that I didnt pick anything up I was horrible to him last week when he was
Naughty took cd player away he didnt go to football
Did I add to the problem???

Did you have an official exclusion letter? On that letter is the person you can contact in the LEA.
It seems to me that the school are on dodgy grounds excluding a child they think is SEN, you should only exclude if you have explored all other avenues and put a behaviour management plan in place to support him. They should not be diagnosing either, the only people who can do that are paediatricians, supported by educational psychologists, special needs experts etc..
There is a group called 'parent partnership' who can help parents, support them at meetings etc... They know what can and can't happen ...they have a website where you can find a local contact, even if it is just to talk through everything.
The SENS department at the LEA is another place to contact regarding the way forward.
I am assuming your little boy is already on the special needs register?
Lots of little alarm bells on this, like why are they school only telling you now? Why haven't you had discussions before around possible special needs? What outside agencies do the school plan to involve to support him?
Try not to be too upset, he needed to know that you were not pleased with his behaviour last week.
Don't jump to conclusions about the Aspergers, it will take a lot of consultations with a paediatrician before he will be diagnosed, it could be all sorts of things....even just learning how to control his feelings.

[FussyElmo]

Just checking your son is 6 yo and what year group. I would be demanding to know why they have not informed you before this they think he may have a special need. Where is the senco involvement?

I can also recommend parents in partnership if you only make 1 call tomorrow make it to them. Put it in Google and your area they will be able to help

[Tazmin68]

The school can support you by putting what is known as iep plan. Individual education plan they are done for each term, all your gp can do is a referral to paediatric consultant. They will ask that both you and school complete a questionnaire and will also arrange for observations by psychologist, speech and language therapist etc all of this will take quite some time. If you get a diagnosis then it is up to you if you would like your son to have a SEN statement. Part of the SEN assessment process is collecting evidence which is why the IEP plans are a good idea to get started now. Where I am in Birmingham it takes 26 weeks for the SEN assessment process. We decided to have the SEN statement for our son so that the schools have to accommodate him and meet his needs plus he is moving to secondary school this September and the school that he would like to attend and the one that we preferred we were half mile outside catchment area and having the statement means he will get in.

The way the school meets my sons needs at present is that should he get stressed and worked up he can leave the room to calm down. The TA helps him start to do homework, he has lack of concentration and he gets rewarded with 5 minutes computer time if he concentrates and works well. Plus when he will be doing sats papers he will be able to do it in a smaller room with less distraction and have extra time.

Please feel free to pm me if you wish

Deb

[kims kingdom]

Yes was an offical letter plus he actually meant to hurt another child school doesnt tolorent that
Which is fine I do understand that . No this is the first time school has meantion it to me and got docs tomorrow
His now got to see this women every day and ill see her after school shes got a lot of experience
And got a son whos got aspergus so is very clued up I m going to feel a lot better tomorrow seeing the women
And doctors aswell
Thank u to everyone
I don't know how to feel what to do but
Thank u everyone ill keep u all updated tomorrow

[KaicosMummy]

Hi Kims kingdom,
Reading this I feel like you could be the mummy to my sons long lost twin, also six with problems at school, literally everything you have described has happened to me and my son as done, the only thing different is the school never excluded my son, they were fab and worked very hard with myself to find out why it was happening and how we could change his pattern of behaviour. He also attends a lunch club and spends every sfternoon in his nurture group, so is only in his class in the mornings. Please please feel free to private message me for any advice or support, I would be more than happy to talk it through with you. Some of the things my son did would turn your hair grey and I felt at the end of my tether and cried on school pick up on a number of occasions. He has improved dramatically, there is light at the end of the tunnel and things will get better. As I said you are welcome to pm me and we can chat x

[kims kingdom]

Hi Kims kingdom,
Reading this I feel like you could be the mummy to my sons long lost twin, also six with problems at school, literally everything you have described has happened to me and my son as done, the only thing different is the school never excluded my son, they were fab and worked very hard with myself to find out why it was happening and how we could change his pattern of behaviour. He also attends a lunch club and spends every sfternoon in his nurture group, so is only in his class in the mornings. Please please feel free to private message me for any advice or support, I would be more than happy to talk it through with you. Some of the things my son did would turn your hair grey and I felt at the end of my tether and cried on school pick up on a number of occasions. He has improved dramatically, there is light at the end of the tunnel and things will get better. As I said you are welcome to pm me and we can chat x

Thank u
his been referred could take two months but the school have saud that they will treat him
as if he is and go from there I would love more advise on it as ive looked a bit inline already
it seems like because its such a ray of different signs etc that I cant just read up on my son
so im going to write down everything that he does how he reacts in different
Situations and go from there but if anyone has advise be very grateful.
And in a way im a bit pleased as the school will help him and not exclude him anymore