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View Full Version : 'Shy', 'only child' - what other labels bug you?



Maza
17-12-2013, 10:26 AM
I hate it (with a passion) when someone comments on how shy my daughter is because I don't comment on their personality and 'shy' always seems to have negative implications, etc etc. I also hate it when people ask if someone is an only child, or explains that someone is an only child thinking that it is the cause of some kind of negative behaviour. On a personal level, I am very sad that my DD is an only child and still coming to terms with the fact that another baby is just 'not meant to be' and so that label actually stings, however innocently it is said.

Anyway, last night a friend of mine asked me how it was going with a particular mindee and I responded, "Oh fantastic, he's so 'easy', bless him". She said "I wonder what made you label that child as 'easy' and not any of the other children as 'easy'". We then had a really interesting discussion. People often comment on how 'easy' her youngest son is and she takes it personally because they don't say that about her older son (who is rather 'challenging'). It also makes her worry that the 'easy' sons needs will be overlooked because everyone just assumes that he is fine.

Have you experience of 'labels' which annoy/hurt you?

JCrakers
17-12-2013, 12:14 PM
I used to be very shy as a child and I hated it when people said I was shy or said ' ooh she's shy isn't she!' and even though I was quiet I hated being labelled as quiet.

Now I have more confidence and am not shy and quiet anymore.
My son is quiet and I make a big point about not commenting on his quietness or shyness as I used to hate it

mrstom
17-12-2013, 12:42 PM
I'm shy and was painfully so as a child. I was bullied about it so much I dropped out of sixth form and never completed my a-levels.

I'm better than I used to be but still get very nervous in groups. I try to make an effort to be more outgoing and confident but it just isn't me.

My youngest (in reception) is shy and quiet (although not when he gets to know you) and its already been mentioned by his preschool key worker and his teacher. I'm desperate for him not to be labelled and to be able to get there in his own time x

rachelle
17-12-2013, 01:00 PM
I have twins - handful, double trouble and 'which one is the quiet/naughty/good one' etc all bug me. You wouldn't say to the parent of a singleton 'oh your child looks like a handful' :panic:

FussyElmo
17-12-2013, 01:09 PM
Hes a proper boy - what does that actually mean?

Maza
17-12-2013, 01:09 PM
I'm shy and was painfully so as a child. I was bullied about it so much I dropped out of sixth form and never completed my a-levels.

I'm better than I used to be but still get very nervous in groups. I try to make an effort to be more outgoing and confident but it just isn't me.

My youngest (in reception) is shy and quiet (although not when he gets to know you) and its already been mentioned by his preschool key worker and his teacher. I'm desperate for him not to be labelled and to be able to get there in his own time x

I know how you feel. My DD has just had her settling in report (reception) and twice it mentioned that she was quiet. In my feedback I wrote that I hope the classroom environment supported her development in that area and that she was given the opportunity and time to speak out in whole class discussions rather than letting the more forthcoming girls dominate. I felt that I had to mention it as I could sense that she was being labelled as 'the quiet one'. If a teacher feels that something needs writing down in a report then they have to be prepared to explain how they are supporting that child with the 'issue' they raised, or be aware of how the environment they create can increase or decrease the issue. Maybe you could 'turn the comments on their head' and ask the teachers how they are supporting your son.

I'm really sorry that you had such a hard time because of your shyness. That's awful. I'm also very shy but I tend to find one-to-one situations more stressful than groups. x

clareelizabeth1
17-12-2013, 01:21 PM
I get really irritated with strangers in the street coming up and cooing over my little one and then getting upset and going "well he isn't a very smily/happy baby is he" while I'm thinking he was right up until you stuck your face in his personal space and spoke to him like he is stupid. I have been known to reply "he was until he saw you" but I know I shouldn't.

When strangers aren't forcing themselves apon him he is a very happy little boy if using labels I would call him easy or happy lol

Daisy1956
17-12-2013, 01:22 PM
My grandson started reception in Sept and it has been remarked about how quiet and shy he is. It really annoys me what it really means is that he is well mannered and not pushy waiting for his turn as he had been taught.

munch149
17-12-2013, 01:41 PM
I was labelled as shy and lazy as a child. Shy is hated because a label hardly increases your confidence. And lazy I hated because that was not what I was in fact far from it. I am laid back and do things jn my own time unlike my mother who everything has to be done 'now' and I come from a family of neat freak so whilst I clean every day before minding and I do my job well letting children explore everything I am considered the messy one. There we go messy another label. I was purely labeled these things because I didn't fit in to another persons perception of tidy, proactive or confident was. Tidiness isn't always a positive - my step mums obsessive and There is such a thing as overconfidence

critch
17-12-2013, 01:48 PM
I have twins - handful, double trouble and 'which one is the quiet/naughty/good one' etc all bug me. You wouldn't say to the parent of a singleton 'oh your child looks like a handful' :panic:

I have twins too, the joys they bring outweigh the fact everyone says you've got your hands full!!!!

mrstom
17-12-2013, 01:56 PM
I know how you feel. My DD has just had her settling in report (reception) and twice it mentioned that she was quiet. In my feedback I wrote that I hope the classroom environment supported her development in that area and that she was given the opportunity and time to speak out in whole class discussions rather than letting the more forthcoming girls dominate. I felt that I had to mention it as I could sense that she was being labelled as 'the quiet one'. If a teacher feels that something needs writing down in a report then they have to be prepared to explain how they are supporting that child with the 'issue' they raised, or be aware of how the environment they create can increase or decrease the issue. Maybe you could 'turn the comments on their head' and ask the teachers how they are supporting your son.

I'm really sorry that you had such a hard time because of your shyness. That's awful. I'm also very shy but I tend to find one-to-one situations more stressful than groups. x

Thanks x

At parents night his teacher did say that DS will now talk in a small group of children (which was more than he would do six weeks ago). I guess it doesn't help that there are some particularly noisy and rowdy ones in his class of 7 girls and 23 boys!

Another problem we have is he won't say hello or acknowledge anyone in his class if we see them out and about. Two classmates have swimming lessons at the same pool as DS and when they come over to say hello, he acts as if they are invisible!

He'll get there I hope. My eldest is in year 1 - he was similar but has come on leaps and bounds since starting school.

dawn100
17-12-2013, 01:58 PM
Some times I think people say these things without meaning to label, they are all ways of describing a persons personality/character, I think it only becomes a problem when someone sees you as let's say shy and this then negitivly impacts on how they interact with the 'shy' person

sing-low
17-12-2013, 02:03 PM
I can't stand it when people say that my daughter is 'pretty'. Really bugs me as it seems to imply that the only thing important about a little girl is her looks. How damaging is that?! I try not to use labels but do slip into it sometimes.

Maza
17-12-2013, 02:12 PM
I can't stand it when people say that my daughter is 'pretty'. Really bugs me as it seems to imply that the only thing important about a little girl is her looks. How damaging is that?! I try not to use labels but do slip into it sometimes.

Well that's the thing, we all slip into it without realising don't we? When I called my mindee 'easy' I hadn't for one moment realised that I was labelling him, and that what I considered a 'positive' observation actually grated on someone else. That's why I thought this would be a great discussion.

Oh my, mums of twins, you must get it all the time!

Daisy 1956, I couldn't agree more!

yummyripples
17-12-2013, 02:28 PM
I used to say that my twins were 'twice as nice' in response to 'double trouble'
I have parents who call their child vile..........

Maza
17-12-2013, 04:23 PM
I used to say that my twins were 'twice as nice' in response to 'double trouble'
I have parents who call their child vile..........

:panic: Poor child.

Bluebell
17-12-2013, 04:24 PM
people always say to me as a childminder 'ooh you've got your hands full today' and 'I don't know how you do it' and are quite negative as if I can't cope! I actually find all my children incredibly well behaved and have never had a problem (- my own children on the other hand!)

My son is ginger and comments like 'I bet he's got a temper' and is actually a placid and kind child.

My other son is shy and I hate myself when I find myself saying 'he's a bit shy to start with' because he doesn't acknowledge people or respond to them or say hello, he looks away. (even his own friends!) I just couldn't bear for others to think of him as rude but I must stop myself doing it!

Bluebell
17-12-2013, 04:28 PM
and worse of all is so many people say to me 'you've got your hands full today' is that I've started saying it to other people!! Grrr!

sing-low
17-12-2013, 06:21 PM
and worse of all is so many people say to me 'you've got your hands full today' is that I've started saying it to other people!! Grrr!

I try and see that as someone being friendly and trying to start a conversation/make a connection with someone which is a nice thing to do, even if what they say isn't exactly the way you'd put it. I often say inane things when I'm trying to strike up conversation (say at a party where I don't know anyone or the first few times at school/nursery drop off before I've got to know anyone).

Tealady
17-12-2013, 06:37 PM
people always say to me as a childminder 'ooh you've got your hands full today' and 'I don't know how you do it' and are quite negative as if I can't cope! I actually find all my children incredibly well behaved and have never had a problem (- my own children on the other hand!)

My son is ginger and comments like 'I bet he's got a temper' and is actually a placid and kind child.

My other son is shy and I hate myself when I find myself saying 'he's a bit shy to start with' because he doesn't acknowledge people or respond to them or say hello, he looks away. (even his own friends!) I just couldn't bear for others to think of him as rude but I must stop myself doing it!

But what would you say instead?

kellyskidz!
17-12-2013, 06:43 PM
people always say to me as a childminder 'ooh you've got your hands full today' and 'I don't know how you do it' and are quite negative as if I can't cope! I actually find all my children incredibly well behaved and have never had a problem (- my own children on the other hand!)

My son is ginger and comments like 'I bet he's got a temper' and is actually a placid and kind child.

My other son is shy and I hate myself when I find myself saying 'he's a bit shy to start with' because he doesn't acknowledge people or respond to them or say hello, he looks away. (even his own friends!) I just couldn't bear for others to think of him as rude but I must stop myself doing it!

Yes I have a ginger child too lol! Arent they the cutest!! I always get the 'does her temper match her hair' from the old ladies!
I didn't know what they were on about til my Mum told me, red hair, red temper. Also that they used to hate red haired babies in the olden days as they used to be seen as Devils Children. Mind you, if they saw her at bedtime they might have a point... :laughing:

Bluebell
18-12-2013, 06:38 PM
I try and see that as someone being friendly and trying to start a conversation/make a connection with someone which is a nice thing to do, even if what they say isn't exactly the way you'd put it. I often say inane things when I'm trying to strike up conversation (say at a party where I don't know anyone or the first few times at school/nursery drop off before I've got to know anyone).


yes you're right - most people are being very friendly and nice - that's how I mean it when I find myself saying it! i do get the odd ones though who manage to make it sound like I am over stretching myself with 3 little ones.

Bluebell
18-12-2013, 06:44 PM
But what would you say instead?

I probably shouldn't say anything at all - if he's shy and not speaking to someone then I shouldn't worry about what people think - as he gets older he will have to deal with people himself and as others have said always being told they are 'shy' or 'quiet' was a label they didn't want. He's 6 so old enough for me not to have to make excuses for him.

Maza
18-12-2013, 07:38 PM
I probably shouldn't say anything at all - if he's shy and not speaking to someone then I shouldn't worry about what people think - as he gets older he will have to deal with people himself and as others have said always being told they are 'shy' or 'quiet' was a label they didn't want. He's 6 so old enough for me not to have to make excuses for him.

Bluebell I as thinking about you today! A lady was chatting to us on the bus and she asked DD a couple of friendly questions and of course DD ignored her and just looked at the ground. I was about to say that she was shy when I stopped myself, thinking of you. Whose feelings would I rather spare - the lady's or my daughter's? I chose to spare my daughter's feelings. I'll probably never see the lady again and anyway, I'm sure she has come across shy children before. When we were getting off the bus, the lady said goodbye and DD actually turned and waved to her. I've just told DH how proud I was. I think as parents we sometimes feel that it is only our child who does these sorts of things, but so many times I have made small talk with DD's friends and they haven't responded.

Bluebell
19-12-2013, 07:33 PM
I will have to take a leaf out of your book and stop myself making excuses!

Simona
19-12-2013, 10:38 PM
Original question was 'shy' 'only child' what other labels bug you?

She/he is Down
she/He is autistic
he/she is EAL (when in fact they are bilingual!!)
he/she is an SEN child
vulnerable children
disadvantaged families
dysfunctional families
he is hyper
he is Asperger
she is an angel/cute/a princess
she is a tomboy
he is a typical boy
she is a typical girl
she is so girly
he/she = here comes trouble

We have a label for everything and I hate them all!!

Bluebell
20-12-2013, 08:06 AM
A bit off track now as not talking about children but when people refer to full grown women as 'girls' we don't refer to men as 'boys' and a professional team such as office staff or pre-school should not be referred to as 'girls'

Brendan Cole refers to Sophie Ellis-Bexter as 'this girl' all the time! I find it really condescending and undermining....what do you all think?

kellyskidz!
20-12-2013, 02:03 PM
A bit off track now as not talking about children but when people refer to full grown women as 'girls' we don't refer to men as 'boys' and a professional team such as office staff or pre-school should not be referred to as 'girls'

Brendan Cole refers to Sophie Ellis-Bexter as 'this girl' all the time! I find it really condescending and undermining....what do you all think?

Whoops, I do this to myself LOL! I always say I'm out with the girls tonight, or the girls are coming for a takeaway tomorrow
Also my OH says no its just a boys night out, or I'll be meeting the boys later meaning his mates
I don't find it insulting really, I'd find it very odd if he said to me are you having a woman's day out today
Can see why in a professional capacity it might be seen as a bit patronising though xx

Bluebell
20-12-2013, 02:08 PM
Whoops, I do this to myself LOL! I always say I'm out with the girls tonight, or the girls are coming for a takeaway tomorrow
Also my OH says no its just a boys night out, or I'll be meeting the boys later meaning his mates
I don't find it insulting really, I'd find it very odd if he said to me are you having a woman's day out today
Can see why in a professional capacity it might be seen as a bit patronising though xx

yes I see what you mean and as I wrote it I thought we do refer to it as a 'lads night out' and I guess 'ladies day' sounds a bit posh or old fashioned. I don't know it just feels as if we are almost undermining ourselves when we use that term? I help on a committee and they refer to the pre-school staff as 'girls' and it really annoyed me as they are all grown women - some of them quite mature and they are all well qualified and experienced!

Glitter
20-12-2013, 03:02 PM
I get upset when people refer to my eldest daughter as a 'fussy eater'.

She is not fussy, she has some food phobias (she is twelve and has never eaten a sandwich!), and she dislikes a lot of foods.
This does not make her fussy, it just means she will not eat most things.

Also like most of you I don't like shy. Just because my youngest will not talk to people or make eye contact it doesn't mean she is shy. She will talk to them after she has decided if they are worth getting to know!

Simona
21-12-2013, 11:12 AM
I get upset when people refer to my eldest daughter as a 'fussy eater'.

She is not fussy, she has some food phobias (she is twelve and has never eaten a sandwich!), and she dislikes a lot of foods.
This does not make her fussy, it just means she will not eat most things.

Also like most of you I don't like shy. Just because my youngest will not talk to people or make eye contact it doesn't mean she is shy. She will talk to them after she has decided if they are worth getting to know!

Fussy eater...left that one out of my list...I agree with you on that!