Screaming at Drop Off

[Tealady]

I have a little one who is now 11months. He started with me back at the start of October.

His first day wasn't great. I couldn't put him down all morning. Afternoon was better as I had fed him, changed him and put him to sleep. He still was clingy and screamed when out of sight but would separate. It was almost as if he now knew I would care for him so he relaxed a little. He had been through an awful lot of change in the 4 weeks before he came (Moved over from New Zealand, Stayed with gran for 3 week, then moved into their new home and Mum and Dad both went back to work whereas before they had worked from home)

Anyway here we are 2 months later he still screams on arrival. It starts as soon as he is lifted from the car. It is short lived though as he settles within a few minutes and then is fine the rest of the day. Today was a little worse as he had been off sick last week and he only comes two days a week.

Mum picked up today and asked if there was anything we could do. She said it's not nice for him, her or me. TBH it doesn't bother me too much. I would love to be greeted with a smile but it is what it is and he is fine after a few minutes.

Whilst I think the initial separation from Mum or Dad is upsetting for the LO, the fact he is fine the rest of the time tells me he is happy here it's just that dropping off bit.

So I would just like some advise for Mum's sake really. He is coming for 3 mornings a week in January so that might get him more used to being left, plus as he gets older he may understand better. At the moment mum/dad hand's over at the door, we have a quick catch-up and then they go. Is this too short? Should they come in a settle him, then go. They have tried giving him a snack to distract him but this doesn't help. Today he just threw it on the floor.

I've got a feeling that if things don't improve they may consider terminating :(

[sing-low]

Poor love having so much change all at once! I think he's done really well considering all the circumstances. I think you need to try and reassure parents that this is not unusual at this age and that he quickly calms and is fine the rest of the day. Could you text Mum with a photo of him playing just after she's left? I would not suggest extending the drop off time as it's likely to be confusing and make things worse.

[emma04]

My dd did this from the first day she was dropped off at preschool until she got half way through yr2 in school!!
There was nothing I didn't try and just had to put up with it.
Sorry I'm no help, but sometimes children are just like it and there's nothing you can do.

Dd wanted me to stay, I couldn't so that's how it went on until she made her own mind up that it was ok. (Took long enough!!)

Dd is 9 now and prefers me to leave her at the top of the path and not walk her in to school!! Never thought I'd see that day!!

If you don't mind, I would just explain to mum that lo is fine once inside and ask her to hang around at the door to listen if it makes her feel better. I had an lo similar to this and I used to open the window so mum could hear when her lo stopped crying (literally 3secs after the door closed!)

[hectors house]

It is hard to know if baby will be better or worse if the parents come in and stay for longer trying to settle him, all my parents do come in and either sit in a chair or on the floor while we do a hand over (unless they don't want to take off their shoes and then stand in lounge door on the hall laminate).

With some children I have found that popping the TV on just as parents are about to go is a good distraction or another one really likes singing, so we sing a couple of verses of "If Your happy and you know it" or "Row row row the boat" (child's favourite songs). Often by the time parents have put their shoes on and gone out the front door the lo has stopped screaming, I sit on the lounge floor and put my hand above my head with my thumb up so parents can see that lo is now settled. I let the parents drop the door catch and I check it asap after as I think that there is nothing worse for the parent than a distraught child screaming and pulling on the door handle as they leave.

[kellyskidz!]

I too had a screamer and it was like a switch when Mum shut the door he instantly stopped
I worried too that she'd think he cried all day so I told her to come back after she'd shut the door and peek through the window
Her face was so funny she laughed and shook her head as if to say 'the little monkey!' She told me at pick up she'd been feeling really guilty for days and now if he cries she says oh no I know what you're playing at
He still had days where he doesn't want to know me but since I've relaxed and Mum knows he's fine after she's gone he seems to know we've sussed him out so doesn't do it as much
Also do you have activities set up which you know the child likes, seeing something fun might distract him from crying. I also think texting mum a pic of child playing happily after she's gone is a good idea xx

[greanan]

I've one of a similar age that does the exact same thing - cries when handed over then stops once parents leave. She's been coming since June once a week so think it's just something she's got into the habit of

[bunyip]

Maybe it would ease mum's worries if you could prove the lo stopped crying within minutes.

If she travels by public transport, call her mobile and she'll hear your voice and no crying child in the background. Don't phone if she's driving: instead send a happy, smiling photo of lo playing . :thumbsup:

[charlottenash]

I had a little girl who the second the front door shut turned into a little darling. I sent her mum a picture, looked out the window and laughed I don't think she really believed me how quickly she stopped crying!

[miffy]

I think you need to have a chat with mum and see how she would like you to handle it. You need to reassure mum that her child's behaviour is normal for this age group especially considering how much change he's been through recently. Personally, I've never been in favour of prolonged partings but it does work for some children if parents come in and play for a few minutes until they settle - perhaps you could ask mum if this is something she would like to try, if you would be happy with that. Perhaps as others have already suggested, some photos of lo playing and happy would help to reassure her all is well.

Miffy xx

[Stapleton83]

I had a Lo who was exactly the same and to be honest mum staying just exacerbated the matter and made me more hassled as I felt I was being watched. In the end she arrived early one day to collect and the children were playing in the garden so she came in and watched him out of the windows. She turned and said now I know he is fine and it is just for effect.

However, I still sent her a text or photo to reassure her if he was still like it, whereas now he comes running in and takes his coat off raring to go. It is still very early days and I am not sure moving him would benefit him given all the change he has already been through. Talk to mum about what you can do:

- phone calls/text messages
- letting her peep back in at him in a few minutes
- setting up something he particularly loves to do to try and distract him

Reassure her it is normal and that he isn't distressed after she has gone. One of my other ones does it when mum arrives!!! LOL and she knows it is a put on

Sam x

[hectors house]

I took on a 13 month old who hadn't settled at Nursery, he had been going to Nursery Monday & half day Thursday, I only had a space on Thursday and Friday, so mum changed days - he used to be upset when first came on Thursday so I would put on the Night Garden which his mum said was his favourite (it wasn't on tv at right time, so I recorded it), he would continue to be a bit upset Thursday which was only a half day but by Friday he was much more settled.
Tealady would it help this child if you met the mum at a toddler group on days when you don't have the child or popped into visit them at home?