how do you learn to be so tough?

[Bluebell]

Ok so this is a post for those who are tough talkers, take no prisoners, talk straight kind of people.

How do you do it? how did you get to be like that or have you always been like that?

I am getting better at it but some things just leave me cold! Some of the posts asking for help get responses that I just think wow that makes it sound so easy!

Quite often I read someone asking for advice and the advice is have a meeting, discuss this that and everything else and write it down and so on - that kind of thing would really intimidate me and I would feel uncomfortable doing it incase it intimidated the parent.

I have a really good rapport with nearly all my parents and when there have been an issue - say a missed payment or confusion over something I have been able to be straight and say and they in turn have been fine and its all been resolved.

However there are situations where I just think ooh I really don't want to discuss that with you, or how would you broach that subject? There are particular parents that manipulate me and use me and I feel like I let them walk all over me! (ie - I recognise it's my own fault!!) I have to say I've learnt a lot in the time I've been minding but the parents I find difficulty with the most are the ones maybe I have been soft with in the beginning and now can't seem to stand up to!

So advice - how do you get tough? How do you do it without sounding like a b**** or petty? or alienating parents!

[AdeleMarie88]

I think for me it's mostly down to life experiences, I suffered a mind blowing bereavement 12months ago, and it's really changed my way of thinking. I have no time for bull, I'm very polite, but to the point, I have no time for dithering anymore. I feel like a new person, it's fantastic, I used to be the pushover, not anymore!! :)

[Bluebell]

aww so sorry about your bereavement. I am getting there - I like to be helpful and flexible so I don't want to stop comepletely but I thing particular parents have burnt there bridges and I will be saying 'no' to them.

[Tulip]

I'll be watching this post with interest. I'm not childminding yet but am a bit of a pushover and think some parents will see this :blush:
Absolutely hate confrontation!
I hope if everything is crystal clear from the start it will help but I know things will crop up, thats life isn't it!

[AdeleMarie88]

I just realised that this job is hard enough, without me making it harder for myself, by allowing others to take advantage, not in a really malicious way, but naturally I think we do test our luck with people, just as children do, and you do have to reach a point where you say no more.

I'm really thankful to have got to this point, because I feel so much better at my job as a result x

[AdeleMarie88]

aww so sorry about your bereavement. I am getting there - I like to be helpful and flexible so I don't want to stop comepletely but I thing particular parents have burnt there bridges and I will be saying 'no' to them.

I think with regard to flexibility, that to me was a sticking point, because when I first started to CM, I had three children, four days a week, so I had Friday as a flexi day, and they would often switch and have extra days, but then I took on more children, but those parents still expected the same flexibility, and there was just no way I could accommodate everyone's needs, so I just did what was best for me. The parents were a bit put off to start with, but they soon realised that they were getting an amazing deal for so long, it just couldn't last. 18months down the line I still have those three, plus more, so it will all work out. As long as you are honest, you don't need to be nasty, just say what you mean and stick to it.

Once you start doing it, the feeling is immense hahaha xx

[Koala]

After years of reflecting about the sh :censored: it I have put up with in the past, parents using and abusing me, taking advantage of my gullable nature I have grown a spine and a big pair of hairy :censored: I insist on respect and consideration from everyone in connection with my business and when it doesn't happen I tell them, like has been said - no time for Bull! I always keep my end of the bargain and I am very polite and considerate to others, it's not rocket science in my opinion, everyone can be considerate and polite it's just that there are a lot of :censored: out there. It took me a long time to wise up but I am glad I have.

Sometimes it's good to have a trusted friend (like us) to confide in about the behaviour from parents/carers, a problem shared is a problem halved And the moral support really helps. :thumbsup:

[watford wizz]

I think a lot comes f

[watford wizz]

From the place your starting from and experience. I started out as a mum just earning a bit of pin money, I put up with all so

[watford wizz]

Sorry keep pressing wrong button !! I believed every sob story about finances and then began to question how they could have 3 hols a year, new kitchen, new car and we didn't have stair carpet? I did a business course which told me I'm the most important resource my business has! So look after your self not easy I know but very important x And if you , just for purpose of course, imagine child as product what would big supermarket do if products were always late, customers didn't pay on time etc they wouldn't get very far! 20 years down the line I now come from a very different place I'm a very experienced professional child minder, I run a business not a charity, my income supports my home and I want to work in a way that is positive for children and meets families need above and beyond what ofsted require, to my own standards and I can't achieve this working for pea nuts x I will be as flexible and supportive as I can but it goes both ways. I'm firm but kind. I start as I mean to go on. Do I still get nervous yes, do I still have worries yes but much less than I first did. I think it's very hard when you first start out and your trying to get work and build a good reputation especially in today's climate but as previously said people will take all they can get away with if you let them. Know your own limitations, be honest with yourself and parent/carers and be empowered to be who you are a dedicated trained professional ! X

[JCrakers]

Life experiences and learning from mistakes :thumbsup:

[AliceK]

For me it's down to age. I am now of an age where I have toughened up and no longer care what people think of me in general. I am not bothered about being liked. My face usually says it all, I can't hide my feelings when I'm cross. I get on well with all my parents but sometimes I am quite blunt, never rude, but blunt and they can tell if they've p'd me off. Sometimes I wonder if I'm too blunt though :blush: I'm always being told by my OH that I'm quite scary.

xxxxx

[Bluebell]

thanks for all the replies - do you think it matters if you p off a parent then? I'm cross with them but they probably don't even realise unless I tell them.
see i don't mind the sob stories. I know people that have been made redundant or been forced to leave their home due to DV but they say they will pay, I know they will and they do (well touch wood so far) its the ones that continually take the mick and don't even seem to be aware that paying late, turning up when they like etc etc even effects me!
I feel like I've tried the softly softly approach and I am going to have to be blunt but they are the kind of people that will take offence!

[bunyip]

thanks for all the replies - do you think it matters if you p off a parent then? I'm cross with them but they probably don't even realise unless I tell them.
see i don't mind the sob stories. I know people that have been made redundant or been forced to leave their home due to DV but they say they will pay, I know they will and they do (well touch wood so far) its the ones that continually take the mick and don't even seem to be aware that paying late, turning up when they like etc etc even effects me!
I feel like I've tried the softly softly approach and I am going to have to be blunt but they are the kind of people that will take offence!

A lot of it is about putting aside the emotion when you actually talk to parents. You may be cross, but 'cross' won't get you anywhere - you need to be factual and reasonable. "Reasonable" is often translated as "playing the doormat to parents" - it shouldn't be. It should be about client and service-provider being fair to one another.

Harsh but true. The reason people who take the mick will continue to take the mick is, essentially, that we let them. :(

I was taken by a line in your original post: "Some of the posts asking for help get responses that I just think wow that makes it sound so easy!" Just remember, we're CMs: we don't need "easy", we only ever need "possible". I'm no different from you in this. You do this every day in your work with children, so you can do it equally well in dealing with their parents.

I'm saying you've already shown you 'have it in you' - just keep on finding it. :thumbsup:

[emma04]

Some people take a jovial dig like an invisible gesture! Therefore a blunt jab tends to work better! I gave up being a jovial dig sort of person when I realised I was being taken for a mug!! I then got tough and am now incredibly blunt and if they don't like it. Then they find someone else or toe the line!
I am important.......very important. I care for their children and deserve to be treated like a valued part of their lives. Not just a snot wiper and nappy changer in their absence!!!

[Tealady]

"Some of the posts asking for help get responses that I just think wow that makes it sound so easy!"

Also remember that it can be very easy to give advice when we're not the ones having to face the parent. Some of us do have the big hairy balls to match our posts. I can be quite strong but in some situations with some parents I am less so. I know what I need to do and what I may say on here if somebody else was posting about the exact same situation, but when the actual personalities come into the equation it can be so much trickier to deal with.

[rickysmiths]

I have grown more and more business like as the years have gone on and since joining this forum!!

I have learnt the hard way by being taken advantage of by being flexible for a 'nice' family. And I have to say some still slip through the net including one family who have just left me. I am determined not to let it happen again!!

I have learnt not to Text or Email about important issues, NEVER! Always talk to the parents first, I have found it helps to have someone else around when I have a meeting, I always do it when my dh is home and as he is Registered as my Assistant Confidentiality is not an issue. Having said that he doesn't work with me as he has a full time job but it has been invaluable because If he is at home I have been able to pop out and collect a child from school leaving a sleeping one tucked up in the warm. It just means there is a witness to what has been said. or WRITE a proper letter and hand deliver it so you know the parents have got it.

I don't accept any Notice or change of hours requests etc by email, I expect a letter and that is what Pacey Legal expect. They do not consider Notice to be served until it has been done in writing and an email does not hack it. If a parent does this I write back to them confirming what the email has said (attaching a copy) giving the last day of care and any fees due to the intended end of the Contract. This way there can be no misunderstanding. I do this with any emails or texts that suggest a change in the terms of a Contract.

[KatieFS]

Personally there are some things ill accept and some I won't.

I'm very careful with my choice of families, so I hope not get to into difficulties. I feel I know what might work and what will not. I've learnt to be clear on expectations and routines that children will need to follow, some of that us experience of mindees that haven't worked out. It's a job where you learn and adapt with each new scenario.

I'm an honest person as try to be honest with parents, be as transparent as possible then I think parents are more understanding if there are difficulties, as they know history.

[kellyskidz!]

I could have posted the original post myself. I am quite a young childminder and I think that some older parents almost see that as a green light to TELL me what whey will be paying for, what I will charge for this and that and seem quite taken aback if I pipe up and say no!
The funny thing is the more you get walked over, the harder it is to then break that habit and speak up. I had a parent who basically took the mess last year, telling me her because I'd sent her child home ill she wasn't paying for the day he had off, and do you know what I said... Ok.
What an idiot I was.
The anger and frustration I felt with myself after taught me something, I'd brought it on myself. So what if she'd been annoyed if I'd insisted she did pay, she'd signed a contract agreeing to it, if she'd have been cross it would have been better than how I was feeling.
I even told my partner and his words were 'how can you be mad with her for not paying, when you said she didn't have to' sounds harsh but he was right, I had no one to blame but me and I lost a days wages because of my inability to stand up for myself.
I vowed to get tougher, and I did. It wasn't easy and even now a parent will say something to me and when they've gone I think why did I let them do that?! But I've found taking some time to really think about what you're saying helps, and if you're getting upset or flustered say I don't think this is a good time to discuss X I will telephone/speak to you later. By then you'll have calmed down and had time to think about the point you're trying to make.
You don't have to turn into an ice queen or loose your naturally kind personality, just stand up for what you know is right and you will earn the parents respect, and they will know not to try it on with you
Assertiveness comes easy to some, but not so easy to others (me included) but knowing that you have right on your side and a point to make and a business to protect does help. Good luck!xx

[Kiddleywinks]

Agree with everyone's responses lol

As you can see, it's not one particular thing but a combination of things that happen that strengthens your confidence. It's not about being 'tough' as such I don't think, more about regaining control of the situation.
Age related - I worry less what others think of me now than I did 15 or even 10 years ago, so age can be a factor.
Experience - I've only been minding for 2 years so still feel like I'm finding my feet work wise, but business wise the more negative things happen, or I read on here, the more I learn from others experience. Seeing how others deal with things help me to form a 'plan of action if' in my own head and that makes me feel more confident about being firmer.
AdeleMarie pointed out 'I just realised that this job is hard enough, without me making it harder for myself, by allowing others to take advantage, not in a really malicious way, but naturally I think we do test our luck with people, just as children do, and you do have to reach a point where you say no more'
And that sums it up in a nutshell.
The buck stops with us. If a particular behaviour repeats itself, it's because 'we' are allowing it to continue and therefore making our lifes harder than it needs to be.

Have faith in yourself and in your abilities and you'll be fine :thumbsup:

Edit:
Cross posted with Kellyskidz, to back up her post, there's a mantra on the forum, can't remember who it came from, but basically:
Don't confirm anything on the spot, instead give yourself some thinking/consideration time by saying 'I'll have to double check and then get back to you' or just 'I'll get back to you on that'

[Mouse]

When it comes to business I am very strict. I make sure I explain things very clearly to parents & back it up in writing so there can be no misunderstandings. Over the years I have figured out where the main problems occur - parents arriving early or collecting late, parents thinking they are "owed" hours if the child comes for less time than normal, parents not keeping their child at home if they are ill, parents booking time off then changing their mind at the last minute and parents not paying on time. I take time during their very first visits to explain how these things work. Every now and again one will start pushing the boundaries by arriving early, for example, so I send them a reminder letter. I used to feel embarrassed about it, but now I feel any embarrassment should be theirs, not mine!

Although parents know I am tough where business is concerned, they also know that I always have their child's best interests at heart. They know I put an awful lot of effort into everything I do and that I genuinely care for their children. They tend to only see the laid back, hardworking, fun, caring side of me, but they know the no-nonsense business woman is lurking in the background. I think that part of me terrifies them and if they've seen it once, they never want to see it again :blush::laughing:

[Tulip]

Wow some fantastic posts on here and all very helpful, thank you
Childminding forum members - your the best :clapping:

[Bluebell]

Wow some fantastic posts on here and all very helpful, thank you
Childminding forum members - your the best :clapping:

I agree - thank you so much!