Child taking forever to eat

[Mummits]

I wonder if anyone can suggest how to deal with a child who takes forever to eat her tea. It is driving me to distraction.

She used to eat well and quite quickly, sometimes with a bit of encouragement, and I don't think it's the food or her appetite that is the problem, as we largely have the same things which she claims to love. It has really got worse this term since her younger sister started with me. They all sit up to the table together and have the same meal, and generally chat as they eat, but this one child talks a lot more than the others. She will chatter on for ages with her fork halfway to her mouth If someone else says something she just has to comment. I have made general remarks such as hurry up all of you, and even quite pointed ones such as to say X you need to talk less and eat more (even in desperation - not another word from you until your tea has disappeared!) I am guessing that it is a control thing with her - she doesn't seem to be able to let the others chatter without pitching in and taking control of the discussion. She finishes her sister's sentences and speaks for her too. I think she also perversely enjoys the extra attention she gets for not eating and being hurried up. Part of the trouble is that when her parents arrive (at a minute or two before I supposedly close, they then sit down and start cajoling her to eat and she strings it out for another ten minutes. They even ask if they can take any leftovers and pudding home to eat later. But I think they are getting the message that this is a pain as one of them said last night you will have to leave that as I'm sure Mummits wants to get on with her own evening, and they didn't ask for a takeaway.

I did start saying (with parents' agreement) twenty minutes for each course then anything left on the plate goes in the bin. The trouble is that she would then leave half of her main and want seconds and thirds of pudding, which looks to my children like a reward for being awkward (mine don't get a pudding if they don't eat their dinner). I also think I have drifted back to old ways because it grieves me to throw good food in the bin - in fact I find it hard to understand why anyone would let their dinner get cold. I think I really ought to be going back to setting a reasonable time, not prompting, and then clearing away - but maybe I should also say no dinner eaten means no pudding. (I am worried though that parents might think I was being mean). How long is reasonable for a 7 year old to eat a meal? (I admit I find it hard to judge "normal" as my boys can demolish a plateful in a couple of minutes when hungry!).

I'd be grateful for any suggestions to address this that might work but also keep parents on board as they are clearly keen that the children should eat here and don't want to have to start topping them up later.

[shortstuff]

I have a couple of peppa fanatics here so ihave peppa playing in the play room and when they are finished they get to go and watch? Maybe that would help? X

[Tulip]

What about a reward for getting on and eating such as stickers or whatever else you think would appeal to this child

[amylouise867]

How about if you sit down as you are doing - all eating together.

Once everyone else apart from her finishes - proceed to the next course and leave her to take as much time as she wishes..... continue to progress through the courses, tidy up around her as needed and let the other children go and play/watch the tele etc.

Don't make any remarks about how long she's taking instead direct praise at the other children "well done you have sat and eaten really well and how helpful taking your plate into the kitchen for me - now we have an exciting new game to play" etc.

If she makes any remarks like "but I haven't finished!" Just explain "well we have so once you have finished all your dinner you can come and join in too."

If you feel she is enjoying the extra attention don't give her any. Sometimes the little monkeys love winding us up and if she can see you really want her to finish with everyone else and you're all waiting for her before the next course or going to play she will be loving that as she is controlling the situation completely. Take the control away and I'm sure she won't want to be the only one at the table when she can hear all the other children playing and having fun.



With regards to finishing her sisters conversation - try reminders over and over if need be - "she can answer for herself, let her answer please" and just repeat the question. That's a habit she needs to get out of but it's just her way of being protective over her sister no doubt so I'm sure she means well.


Hope this helps - let us know how you get on :)

Amy xxxx

[chris goodyear]

Agree with amylouise post. I will not give dessert if the main meal has not been finished (as long as you know it's something they like and sometimes if they've only left a spoonful or so then that's fine - we don't always want to eat every last mouthful) But yes I would put a time limit on say 20 - 30 mins then what's left gets cleared, maybe don't throw away straight away ( I hate throwing away good food ) and if she says she is still hungry then offer it back again. I do this and it's a good way of us knowing if they are really hungry or just wanting the dessert! It doesn't take long for them to get the message. Good luck.

[kellyskidz!]

How about if you sit down as you are doing - all eating together.

Once everyone else apart from her finishes - proceed to the next course and leave her to take as much time as she wishes..... continue to progress through the courses, tidy up around her as needed and let the other children go and play/watch the tele etc.

Don't make any remarks about how long she's taking instead direct praise at the other children "well done you have sat and eaten really well and how helpful taking your plate into the kitchen for me - now we have an exciting new game to play" etc.

If she makes any remarks like "but I haven't finished!" Just explain "well we have so once you have finished all your dinner you can come and join in too."

If you feel she is enjoying the extra attention don't give her any. Sometimes the little monkeys love winding us up and if she can see you really want her to finish with everyone else and you're all waiting for her before the next course or going to play she will be loving that as she is controlling the situation completely. Take the control away and I'm sure she won't want to be the only one at the table when she can hear all the other children playing and having fun.



With regards to finishing her sisters conversation - try reminders over and over if need be - "she can answer for herself, let her answer please" and just repeat the question. That's a habit she needs to get out of but it's just her way of being protective over her sister no doubt so I'm sure she means well.


Hope this helps - let us know how you get on :)

Amy xxxx
Totally agree with this, she will be sensing your frustration and playing on it to a degree
i'd try this way and then if it doesn't work try something else
It sounds like she is, in some ways, used to having her own way and children can do many odd things to gain control. Even things that make them miserable, like hitting others, or hurting themselves, can be a way of controlling the situation.
If you carry on as normal around her then take her plate away at the end of mealtimes without a word I imagine she be like ??? What just happened!
Let her see the others getting a pudding, and if he says she's hungry later offer fruit.
Good luck xx

[Mummits]

Thank you all for your advice. I am definitely feeling more motivated to make a fresh start next week and put this into effect - I will report back on how it goes.

Just one more question if I may ladies. Would you say to all the children right this is what we are going to do and set it all out in advance, or would you just do it (for example giving the others their pudding, letting them get down when they have finished etc)? My natural inclination would be to set out the new "rules" but the Kelly's' suggestion that she would be a bit gobsmacked if I just did it made me think would that have more impact?

[mumof3]

I had the same problem a couple of years ago and finally said I wasn't prepared to give dinner anymore!

[Goatgirl]

I would tell parents your new plan and ask them to support you in not giving any attention to lo at all, which would include the cajoling etc. I would ask them not to mention it at all, but to collect quickly and go.

Not sure about telling lo of the new way first..... Think I would actually, yes.

But with no big drama. Just mention it at the beginning of the meal. It will still be ????! for her to get zero attention when you follow it through and she sees the other children, who have finished their dinner and got down from the table are getting all the fun and attention ;).

Good luck :thumbsup:

[kellyskidz!]

I think personally I'd tell mum but not the child, she already seems to want control so saying this is what's going to happen is kind of like asking her in a way? I'd just do it as I think it will have a bigger impact and a kind of shock factor which may jolt her into understanding that you are in charge, things are changing, and if she doesn't eat her meals then she doesn't get dessert
It may sound harsh but we are here to prepare these kids for further development and thinking of school, she wouldn't be able to sit and chat for an hour, my dds school let them have 40 mins max, and that's for lunch and dessert, before the lunch aides clear their plates away. That's could be an idea, what does she do at school? Is she of school age, because she'll have learnt their rules without them being explained to her so she must be capable of understanding. It's just a case of her doing the same with you, and of course if she does improve don't forget to praise her :) xx

[Simona]

Lots of info and help here

http://www.studenthealth.gov.hk/english/resources/resources_bl/files/lf_diet_habit.pdf

[clairer]

I have to say that the children I mind can take between half an hour and an hour to eat tea- main and dessert. It is sometimes torturous as I do make the fast eaters wait for the slow eaters. I generally aim for dinner on the table for 4.30 pm hoping all will be finished for some to go home at 5.30 pm.

Sometimes we don't get in from the school run until 4pm if the children are on "go slow" so 4.30pm is the earliest I can manage to get tea on the table. And that is generally pre cooked.

I think you have to let them eat at their own pace as getting tense achieves nothing.

[amylouise867]

Thank you all for your advice. I am definitely feeling more motivated to make a fresh start next week and put this into effect - I will report back on how it goes. Just one more question if I may ladies. Would you say to all the children right this is what we are going to do and set it all out in advance, or would you just do it (for example giving the others their pudding, letting them get down when they have finished etc)? My natural inclination would be to set out the new "rules" but the Kelly's' suggestion that she would be a bit gobsmacked if I just did it made me think would that have more impact?

No don't tell the children.

Just be clear about what you want them to do when your actually implementing it.

If you start explaining yourself before hand it will show the LO who your having problems with that her habits are getting to you and you're doing all this change just for her.

Just begin the new meal time routine like you would normally and just use your praise "wow that's great well done Harry and Ava you have eaten your dinner really well, are you ready for your yummy pudding".
If they say but so and so hasn't finished just explain "Yes and she will have yummy pudding once her dinner is finished too just like you."

Just totally take every emphasis off her taking so long to eat, no encouragement to eat faster, stop talking etc just focus on the positives that take place and allow the other children to progress with their courses as they all finish bar the little one who is taking her time.

You could maybe suggest, explain and share the activity available after dinner with thm?

"Right it's dinner time now we have so and so for dinner today. After we have eaten we will have the television on and some marble painting to try out."

- but keep in mind that if you do this it could spike little one up even more to talk talk talk talk talk about the activities you've planned lol

Personally I would hold off sharing the activity till after the little ones have finished their pudding.

Hope that helps :) xx

[Simona]

I have to say that the children I mind can take between half an hour and an hour to eat tea- main and dessert. It is sometimes torturous as I do make the fast eaters wait for the slow eaters. I generally aim for dinner on the table for 4.30 pm hoping all will be finished for some to go home at 5.30 pm.

Sometimes we don't get in from the school run until 4pm if the children are on "go slow" so 4.30pm is the earliest I can manage to get tea on the table. And that is generally pre cooked.

I think you have to let them eat at their own pace as getting tense achieves nothing.

I agree with you and also making meal times enjoyable and sociable not just a chore....something the kids need to get through as quickly as possible and done with.

In my setting meal times are precious with the opportunity of interaction across the ages, discussions about all sorts and never had a problem with what people call fussy or slow eaters...don't we love labelling our children :angry:

[hectors house]

I once had a parent who wasn't happy that her child didn't get a pudding if he didn't finish his lunch - (she provided his meals) I explained that I too would far rather eat chocolate pudding rather than boring old mashed potato but I was obliged to treat all children the same and teach them the correct order in which a meal is eaten. It turned out that she was just worried that he was going to be hungry later, so I comprised and said that if he didn't want to eat his lunch that I would offer him a slice of bread and butter instead of pudding. He soon got the message!

I am confident that the portion size is correct for the age of child so I do try to get them to finish what is on their plate but if the meal has been sent from home and it is bigger than I would give the child then I don't insist they eat it all and we do a deal of x number of mouthfuls more and then you can have your dessert.

[Mummits]

I agree with you and also making meal times enjoyable and sociable not just a chore....something the kids need to get through as quickly as possible and done with.

In my setting meal times are precious with the opportunity of interaction across the ages, discussions about all sorts and never had a problem with what people call fussy or slow eaters...don't we love labelling our children :angry:

Thank you all for your further suggestions.

I do agree that mealtimes should be sociable and that chat is fine - it is a question of drawing the line between pleasantly leisurely and tediously drawn out! Recently I have had spaghetti Bolognese (child's favourite meal) on the table for ten to five and she was still playing with it at six oclock, then as I said, the parent arrives and sits down for another ten minutes, then asks for a doggy bag, during which I can't start to clear up, help my own children with homework or whatever.

As luck would have it my plan to change the routine has been thwarted for today as Mum is picking up before tea for a hair cut. I will start anyway, though to be honest I doubt there will be an issues with the others..

[Mummits]

A little progress report....

Today I said fruit only for snack or it will spoil your appetites - that went down ok, a couple had an apple, the others said they would wait for tea.

Come tea time, I put out plates of stew, said there is pudding for everyone who eats their main in a reasonable time, and left them to it (in sight obviously but sat to one side reading). They all cleared their plates in ten minutes (while still managing to chat) and the little girl asked for and polished off a second one. They all had pudding and were done in less than half an hour. I had put out Marble run in the lounge which they all love, and they managed to fit in half an hour playing with that before hometime. Now apart from me taking a deep breath and backing off, the only other thing different to the last week was that her sister was not here today.

I was still puzzling about what had happened when Dad arrived and we had a quiet chat. He told me she had been read the riot act at the weekend and told that she might not be allowed to come any more if she kept up the messing about over meals - which apparently had her in tears as she loves to play here.

He also asked if she had been better behaved without her sister there and I of course said yes, and he said they had found she tended to "act up" a lot recently when out or with relatives as she seemed to want to have all the attention on her and off her sister. He suggested that she may be doing that here as she is unhappy that what was "her" special place now has to be shared with her sister. I said I would be careful to be even-handed and avoid any cause for jealousy. Anyway, he said they are very happy with the way I am dealing with issues and that they would fully support at home - including the new rule of finish your tea or have no pudding.

So all in all I am feeling a lot more positive about managing this situation, and that the talk may also have given me some insight into her behaviour recently.

[shortstuff]

That sounds really positive well done x

[amylouise867]

A little progress report.... Today I said fruit only for snack or it will spoil your appetites - that went down ok, a couple had an apple, the others said they would wait for tea. Come tea time, I put out plates of stew, said there is pudding for everyone who eats their main in a reasonable time, and left them to it (in sight obviously but sat to one side reading). They all cleared their plates in ten minutes (while still managing to chat) and the little girl asked for and polished off a second one. They all had pudding and were done in less than half an hour. I had put out Marble run in the lounge which they all love, and they managed to fit in half an hour playing with that before hometime. Now apart from me taking a deep breath and backing off, the only other thing different to the last week was that her sister was not here today. I was still puzzling about what had happened when Dad arrived and we had a quiet chat. He told me she had been read the riot act at the weekend and told that she might not be allowed to come any more if she kept up the messing about over meals - which apparently had her in tears as she loves to play here. He also asked if she had been better behaved without her sister there and I of course said yes, and he said they had found she tended to "act up" a lot recently when out or with relatives as she seemed to want to have all the attention on her and off her sister. He suggested that she may be doing that here as she is unhappy that what was "her" special place now has to be shared with her sister. I said I would be careful to be even-handed and avoid any cause for jealousy. Anyway, he said they are very happy with the way I am dealing with issues and that they would fully support at home - including the new rule of finish your tea or have no pudding. So all in all I am feeling a lot more positive about managing this situation, and that the talk may also have given me some insight into her behaviour recently.

Great to hear about how it's going for you!

You are doing great & how lovely to hear parents pulling together with you & hearing the little one hot upset at the thought she would no longer be able to come!

Fingers crossed these happy meal times continue :) xxxx

[kellyskidz!]

So glad things are looking up!
I was thinking about your situation yesterday when one of mine was eating soooo slowly in between chatting, funny how when you hear something it seems to happen to you lol xx

[Tulip]

Thats great, glad to hear its got easier :)