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SweetNSalty
30-10-2013, 01:24 AM
Hi there :-)

I urgently need some advice about a 'situation' a close friend is in and how (potentially) it could affect my Childminding business and what I should do to protect my family and myself...
Sorry - long post - please bear with me.

We (DH, myself and my 2 kids) have become close friends with another family who live near us. Our kids have regular play dates, we go on camping weekends together, help each other with school pickups (own kids only) etc. Mrs is the main earner and Mr has been stay at home Dad for the last few years and hence I have spent quite a bit of time with him as he is the kids main carer. Until recently we have all had a lovely friendship. Regular visits to each others houses - including when minded children are present (always noted in visitors book),

BUT... over the summer Mr started behaving really oddly, all hyper and silly one moment and then turning depressed and 'ill' the next. Going missing, late picking kids up, sometimes forgetting completely. Beat Mrs up on one occasion (and was thrown out). All very strangely out of character and deeply worrying. Mrs has been very upset and I have helped her by looking after her kids while she's sorted things out with Mr.

It's now gone from bad to worse - apparently Mr has a Cocaine and alcohol addiction. It has been going on for at least two years but she has only just found out. But it explains the erratic behaviour. He is in a lot of debt also.

Mrs has now temporarily kicked him out. He is currently living with his Mum in another town and supposed to be sorting himself out with drug and alcohol counselling. Due back home in a week or so. I am helping Mrs as much as I can and have offered to have her kids after school to help her out (she works full time and after school club is full).

So... what do I do when Mr comes back?
It has now occurred to me that I need to protect my family, myself and my business. How can I do this at the same time as helping out a friend who badly needs support? Should I inform anyone?

Really really worried and can't sleep :-(
Advice please about the CM aspects of this situation (the addiction advice is forthcoming elsewhere).

Thank you x

hectors house
30-10-2013, 08:05 AM
What you do out of childminding hours and who you socialise with is entirely up to you and no-one elses business however if this man does home back home to live you must not visit with the mindees or have him in your home if you have any doubts about his behaviour and yours/their safety.

It's up to you whether you are just friends and there to support with his wife or whether in time your friendship with him will heal - he needs help and friends too.

dawn100
30-10-2013, 08:26 AM
I agree with Hector's house, out side of buisness hours is up to you but during childminding hours you can have him as a visitor when you have any doubts about his behaviour as the children in your care are your priority and you wouldn't be seen as safeguarding them if he is allowed to visit when they are there. The path to addiction recovery is a long one. You also need to be mindful of conversation you might have with the woman in front of the children in your care (I'm sure you are already) if you want to carrying on helping out with her children as long as its not taking you over your numbers I see no problem with this as you wouldn't be able to refuse a minded child care if they were in the same situation.

SweetNSalty
30-10-2013, 08:32 AM
Thank you hectors house.

We are all devastated. Me and DH are very angry / freaked out / upset because it has become apparent that he has driven with his own and our kids in the car whilst under the influence.

It's a close-knit community and it won't be long before others put two and two together. So I really feel I have to keep him totally at arms length / away from my house. Which is tricky, seeing as I am regularly picking his kids up after school and looking after them until Mrs can collect them.

At some point soon I will have to tell him this and I'm dreading it. I know he needs friends / help but sadly he's not in a good place right now and I am not at all convinced he's being honest about his 'recovery'. It's all such a mess :-(

SweetNSalty
30-10-2013, 08:41 AM
I don't want there to be any confusion with him - I think I will ask him not to come to my house ever - if I meet up with him it will be at their house only. I also don't want to be seen chatting in public with him any more.

hectors house
30-10-2013, 11:49 AM
It is hard when you feel people have betrayed your friendship and trust - I know it happens all the time but I think my husband and I were more upset about a friend who left his wife as he was having an affair than his wife did. It just shows that no matter how well you think you know someone you only see what they want you to see and know.

AdeleMarie88
30-10-2013, 01:00 PM
I don't want there to be any confusion with him - I think I will ask him not to come to my house ever - if I meet up with him it will be at their house only. I also don't want to be seen chatting in public with him any more.

Please don't deny him the chance to show you that he is changing. He will need support too, obviously I realise not at the expense of your children or business, but I'm sure he is suffering enough, without feeling like he has no friends, or no support. Just because you have an addiction it doesn't make you a bad person, it just means you often make bad decisions.

I don't know any more than what you have said in this post, but it seems harsh to say that you don't want to be seen with him in public. No one is perfect, if he is truly trying to rectify his mistakes, who are you, or anyone else, to criticise him? Please be patient. Fully agree you should keep your children and minded children separate though, they are your responsibility! X

SweetNSalty
30-10-2013, 01:20 PM
Please don't deny him the chance to show you that he is changing. He will need support too, obviously I realise not at the expense of your children or business, but I'm sure he is suffering enough, without feeling like he has no friends, or no support. Just because you have an addiction it doesn't make you a bad person, it just means you often make bad decisions.

I don't know any more than what you have said in this post, but it seems harsh to say that you don't want to be seen with him in public. No one is perfect, if he is truly trying to rectify his mistakes, who are you, or anyone else, to criticise him? Please be patient. Fully agree you should keep your children and minded children separate though, they are your responsibility! X

The not being seen in public thing is to safeguard my children and LOs - I am rarely without them and the man has very bad mood swings. And also to not compromise my Childminding business / livelihood. I think that existing and prospective Parents would not be very happy if they knew about this and there is a very real possibility that they will find out in due course on the grapevine. It could be very damaging indeed.

My plan is to go and visit them both when he returns and explain that whilst I do support him and hope he can sort himself out, there are implications for those around him and he needs to understand that. I will support him in other ways - text, calls and visits in evenings and weekends. But I will not have chats outside the school gates any more.

From what Mrs has said though, it's not looking good :-( He is not being very open about his doctors / session appointments and we suspect he is lying (very much hope I am wrong). The unexplained disappearances have not stopped. We do not think he has hit 'rock bottom' yet. She found out - he only told her because he had to.

Yes I may sound harsh and uncaring, but I think I have my priorities right. He is not a family member and I refuse to let his actions hurt my nearest and dearest and my livelihood.

SweetNSalty
30-10-2013, 01:26 PM
What is interesting about this situation is it's the first time my profession has really clashed with my private life (not by my own doing obviously). It's scary. Didn't sleep last night worrying about them and us. My DH is very angry... especially that he drove with all the kids after a binge. That's what makes me take the 'harsh' stance.

smurfette
30-10-2013, 03:52 PM
What is interesting about this situation is it's the first time my profession has really clashed with my private life (not by my own doing obviously). It's scary. Didn't sleep last night worrying about them and us. My DH is very angry... especially that he drove with all the kids after a binge. That's what makes me take the 'harsh' stance.

I think you are right. As you say your priorities are right. I do know a bit about what you are going through as I have a sister who has alcohol/ violent partners/ children in and out of foster care .. I am there if she needs to talk but in a lot of ways she doesn't help herself just like your friend , and I have made a decision not to expose my children to her if she in the middle of one of her bouts.. It's just common sense. What he did driving your kids while bingeing is very serious and I too would find it hard to forgive ! It's hard when your wish to help clashes with your need to protect uourself and your family., and no he is not a bad person and yes he is making bad choices but they are exactly that .. Choices he is making which affect other people .
Hang in there and pm me if you want to talk xx

SweetNSalty
30-10-2013, 04:33 PM
I think you are right. As you say your priorities are right. I do know a bit about what you are going through as I have a sister who has alcohol/ violent partners/ children in and out of foster care .. I am there if she needs to talk but in a lot of ways she doesn't help herself just like your friend , and I have made a decision not to expose my children to her if she in the middle of one of her bouts.. It's just common sense. What he did driving your kids while bingeing is very serious and I too would find it hard to forgive ! It's hard when your wish to help clashes with your need to protect uourself and your family., and no he is not a bad person and yes he is making bad choices but they are exactly that .. Choices he is making which affect other people .
Hang in there and pm me if you want to talk xx

Thank you x
Life is hard enough without having to deal with all this at the moment. Trying to get it all in perspective still.

AdeleMarie88
30-10-2013, 05:47 PM
Thank you x Life is hard enough without having to deal with all this at the moment. Trying to get it all in perspective still.

Please don't misunderstand me, I understand completely you have to protect yourself And family! I just have some experience of dealing with friends with drug abuse issues, and I wasn't a good friend when they needed me, it was partly down to them, I had been stolen from, and let down by them so I lost patience with them. But when they came to want to recover, I wasn't there, and sadly the took their own life. I will never ever forgive myself for not supporting someone who was trying. Now I am without a dear friend, I would hate anyone else to feel that same pain! X

SweetNSalty
30-10-2013, 07:58 PM
Please don't misunderstand me, I understand completely you have to protect yourself And family! I just have some experience of dealing with friends with drug abuse issues, and I wasn't a good friend when they needed me, it was partly down to them, I had been stolen from, and let down by them so I lost patience with them. But when they came to want to recover, I wasn't there, and sadly the took their own life. I will never ever forgive myself for not supporting someone who was trying. Now I am without a dear friend, I would hate anyone else to feel that same pain! X

Yes I get it. x

We have been warned that he will probably be depressed and possibly suicidal as he comes off it. I just need to find a way of completely separating my 'working' self from my private life. Hopefully if I can explain this to him and regularly 'check in' when LOs are not around or by text/phone this can be achieved.

He has the most gorgeous family - fantastic kids and a really lovely home (owned by my friend thank god). Really fell on his feet and yet he's just trashed it all and risks losing everything. So sad. But the nature of the beast that is drugs and addiction I guess.

x

tinkerbelle
31-10-2013, 12:38 PM
the advice you've been given regarding private life not impacting on minding life please check this with Ofsted as my sister-in-laws are ex addicts and both are on methadone I was reported to Ofsted by association ie married their brother no other involvement than that and I had to risk asses and explain to Ofsted how their addiction would not impact my setting in the end I decided to cut them from my life as it was easier than constantly being complained to Ofsted about we don't even go to family parties anymore as they are there x

Kerry30
31-10-2013, 01:05 PM
I had my partners ex wife report me to ofsted, only cos she wasnt getting her own way. She complained about the fact that he likes to have a drink at the weekend and she wasnt happy about it when thier son was here on those weekends. Luckily the ofsted lady that came out was nice and as soon as i said i dont work weekends she said that it had nothing to do with ofsted....gave me the impression they get alot of bitter exs trying to cause trouble. It adds alot of stress to us cms , as at the end of the day our personal life is just that. If you work in a shop your personal life isnt the buisness of your boss. As long as you can keep personal life to work seperate then it shouldnt be a problem. You just got to say 'im working i will contact u or come see you when ive finished'. If u worked outside of the home then thats what would happen anyway.

SweetNSalty
31-10-2013, 04:26 PM
OK so this is what I do:

Talk to my friends when he returns and explain that I need to keep work / private life separate and why... implications for me as a CM. But that I support them and will help in whatever way I can (looking after their kids after school mainly) obviously ensuring ratios with existing paying LOs are ok.

Do a written risk assessment noting down how I intend to keep LOs safe / unaffected. So I have ground rules about when he can come round. Weekdays until 5pm he cannot visit, I will not meet up in town and an understanding that I won't stop and chat when I'm with LOs.

I have both an intercom and a digital spy hole viewer installed already - so I can clearly see who is at my door and speak to them without opening it (I am thinking worse case scenario here).

If I do the above, do I need to inform Ofsted? On the one hand I want to cover myself, but on the other I don't want to draw attention to it.

Thanks for support and advice guys - much appreciated - feel like I am tearing myself in half at the mo - gutted for them but wanting to protect my own family and business from any 'fallout' :-(

x

AdeleMarie88
31-10-2013, 06:41 PM
OK so this is what I do: Talk to my friends when he returns and explain that I need to keep work / private life separate and why... implications for me as a CM. But that I support them and will help in whatever way I can (looking after their kids after school mainly) obviously ensuring ratios with existing paying LOs are ok. Do a written risk assessment noting down how I intend to keep LOs safe / unaffected. So I have ground rules about when he can come round. Weekdays until 5pm he cannot visit, I will not meet up in town and an understanding that I won't stop and chat when I'm with LOs. I have both an intercom and a digital spy hole viewer installed already - so I can clearly see who is at my door and speak to them without opening it (I am thinking worse case scenario here). If I do the above, do I need to inform Ofsted? On the one hand I want to cover myself, but on the other I don't want to draw attention to it. Thanks for support and advice guys - much appreciated - feel like I am tearing myself in half at the mo - gutted for them but wanting to protect my own family and business from any 'fallout' :-( x

I would call and mention it to them, aswell as all the above. You don't want anyone else to call them, it's much better coming from you! As long as you can prove that you are keeping the children in your care safe, Ofsted can't stop you from knowing people with these issues. You just need to have risk assessments and plans in place. Good luck x