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View Full Version : Parents divorce getting messy advice please!



tinyp164
18-10-2013, 06:11 PM
Hi,
I have a child whose parents are going through a divorce at the moment, but it's starting to get messy. Child is very settled with me and I have a great relationship with mum. I won't go into too much detail but I'm basically looking for some advice on how to cover my own back.

Every other thurs/fir I pick up from two schools both finishing at the same time. I now use my car to go between both as they aren't far (I'm talking minutes in the car) but walking wouldn't get us there on time. I have an agreement with second class teacher and mum to hold the child for a couple of minutes after school, there were 11 others still in the classroom today when I arrived and this is usual but I still agreed with the teacher and mum just incase. So today step-mum was in the playground and said to me 'I've just texted mum to ask if I should pick child up instead today as you weren't here straight away.' I replied politely, informing her that it is prearranged, I go to two schools and this is already sorted and the playground is still very full.Then mum texts saying do I have child? again I reply politely saying of course I do. Now mum goes on a huge rant about dad, step-mum and divorce, saying they are causing lots of problems I.e. Swapping days of care (they often text mum last minute on Friday saying they will collect but then mum has to unarrange with me at short notice) but won't permentally pick the children up themselves and will only have them from 7pm on a Friday night and moaning if mum isn't in the playground straight away.

Now this is where I need help and advice in how to cover my own back to ensure I'm doing the right thing, at the end of the day I know the child's care and well being is my main priority and I know child is safe and well with me and in her classroom with the teacher.

I have an agreement with school and mum to pick up a couple of minutes late...I'm now thinking I should have this is writing!? All contracts and permission forms are up to date too. What else would you suggest I have in place? I have a feeling it's going to get much worse before it gets better and I do not want to be caught out.

Thank you so much for listening!! I needed to vent and ask for advice!

Kiddleywinks
18-10-2013, 06:28 PM
Who is your contract with? Presumably it's with Mum, thus the arrangement you have over collection is with Mum, and she has made an arrangement with the school, which has been confirmed with you - all verbal at this point.

Wouldn't hurt to put it in writing, along the lines of as 'confirming the arrangement we have verbally agreed' with a copy for the school records too.

You, and she, are doing nothing wrong, an arrangement is in place that school and the primary carer are happy with, if Dad wants to make life difficult, the worst he can do is mention it to his solicitor who might bring it up in court, but mum can show the letter as proof there isn't a problem iygwim.

Alternatively, and I'm suggesting this as a last resort, could you pick up 2nd child first and make the same arrangement with the first school (to keep hold of mindee/s till you get there)
Whatever issues are resolved there will always be cause for another unrelated one to pop up in these situations - I totally sympathise with you - being caught in the middle of feuding adults that should know better is never pleasant, but I think you handled it very well :thumbsup:

Mrsh3103
18-10-2013, 06:29 PM
It's awful when you get stuck in the middle isn't it! I had something similar a few months ago.
I'd say get permission forms signed by mum and school saying the child will be held by the teacher for a few minutes while you make your way between the 2 schools. I can't think of anythjng else you'd need to do. Someone else might be able to think of something though!
I hope things get better soon.

FloraDora
18-10-2013, 07:26 PM
Children who were being picked up a few minutes late always came down to our entrance hall - there was always a number of children waiting there with books and toys - this was because the teacher may talk to a parent at the end of day and then couldn't always keep her eye on late being picked up children. Also the person picking up - which was often childminders would go straight to entrance hall, it wasn't obvious at classroom doors tht a parent was late etc...it also then didn't really matter if people were running late because the children were all together having fun.

If this situation happened with you the step mum would not see that child was still there as she would be somewhere else.

Might help?!

Swapping who is picked up last, as mentioned before makes sense too.

I think the main thing in all of this is that you put the childs needs first, whilst you are busy texting at the end of school then the little girl is waiting longer and you can't be there for her. I would explain that to parents - you have to stay neutral - your only role is to ensure that the child comes first.

tinyp164
18-10-2013, 08:08 PM
Thank you so much for the advice!! It is awful feeling like I'm being caught between the feuding parents and my main concern is their child. I will definitely get it in writing, then at least school, mum and I have it just incase. And your right I will have to mention that messaging me during this time isn't appropriate as I can't answer it anyway.
Just when you think everything is sorted and I'm on top of everything something comes up, thank goodness it's the weekend!

Tazmin68
18-10-2013, 08:42 PM
It is not nice being caught in middle. Many years ago I was in similar position and was asked to baby sit one evening by mum. When I arrived I was told that dad was popping round to see children which was usual on a Friday night what I was not prepared for was that he was only allowed to see children at the kitchen and not allowed in the house he was complaining very loudly about this so I could hear while he visited the children. I felt very awkward especially as it was just before Christmas and it was cold but it was mums rule.