Do I or don't I?

[madmamma]

Earlier on in the year, I took on a family with 3 children.
Care was originally just for the youngest one aged 4.
He was a bit of a horror to say the least - always seemed angry/easily frustrated, didn't share, broke toys, could be violent when he didn't get his own way, spat food - you get the idea.
Over the first couple of weeks, I realised that mum didn't know how to say no, she had not set any boundaries, there were no behaviour expectations, he was 'babied' by the rest of the family and he was allowed to get away with this behaviour, as were his older siblings.

I worked hard with him, set rules, explained why we did/didn't do certain things, was firm and consistent, no meant no, and over about 3 months his behaviour improved dramatically.
Easter holidays - mum asked if I could have the older 2 in the holidays.

OMW. Felt like I'd taken 4 steps backwards!
The eldest I think has had a lot of the responsibility of 'looking after' the younger 2, but as he hadn't received any guidance from parents you can imagine the chaos.
I had to then train him to 'back off' and let me take control, and that it wasn't his responsibility whilst they were here, to spend all his time doing what they wanted to do, to amuse them, to chastise them, to speak for them, etc

I'd spoken to mum about her taking control, that it was ok to say no, and she saw the differences in all 3.

At the end of the school holidays, I was dropping the 3 off, and the grandparents also commented on the change since they've been coming, to the point where I've been asked for help with their other daughters child.
Now my biggest advice is that before a child's behaviour can change, the adult has to change the way they do things.
Apparantly SS have been involved in the 2nd family, HV's and other care professionals, and 'nothing has worked'

My opinion is that SS, HV, behaviour therapists etc, inform parents of tried and tested methods and it's down to the parents to implement them at home. If it's too much hassle, or doesn't work immediately, then of course they're not going to work!
I tried explaining to mum that a child learns their behaviour over a period of time, so it's going to take a good couple of months of battles, being consistent, being firm and decisive, and changing her behaviour/the way she handles things before she'll see a difference, and a while longer before she has the behaviour she wants for the majority of the time.

There was lots of nodding, and agreeing, at this impromptu discussion, and I said to the 2nd mum that if she wanted to call me, I had some information on childrens behaviour that she could look at, and that might help guide her. She's never called me.

This weekend, 1st mum has said that her sister wants to know if I have availability to give her a break and to help her out.

Now, I'm get the feeling that what 2nd mum really wants is for me to 'break the cycle' by putting in all the hard work here, and I have 2 issues with that:
1. Am I going to start getting a reputation for accepting 'challenging' children and putting them back on the right path - and if so, is that a good thing or not ;) (Do I get to charge extra for all the breakages I know are going to occur :D)

2. Why should I take control when the parents won't! Anything I put into place here HAS to be carried out at home too or the poor child's just going to get more confused and frustrated. If parents have had all this other involvement that has failed to work how is little ol' me going to get them to cooperate?!

I'm in two minds about the whole thing.
Part of me wants to see if I can make a difference - I love a good challenge, but the other part of me thinks I could be setting myself up for a ruddy big fall (Ofsted, other parents being put off, stress levels)

What do you think? Have any of you taken on this aspect of childcare purposely? What have your experiences been?

[Koala]

Well, you said it - if you feel the children/family have a behavioral problem it reflects on their parents and somewhat on you too if you care for them even though in your care their behavior may differ and be acceptable.

I found this out when a fellow childminder came to visit me, we were sat in our garden and all the kids were playing impeccably (as usual) and the other childminder mentioned that she couldn't believe one of my lo was being 'so good'. And then it all came out - how badly behaved he was when he came to their mums and tots group with grandma and how she has seen him being really bad with mum, you know the type of thing. Well after she left I got the feeling that his behavior could also be attributed to me and all I could hope was that she reported back to the other childminding clan that in my care he was 'a good boy'.

I know that children will only do what they are allowed to do and without boundaries and expectations anarchy is on the horizon. So good look with your venture but I think you know as you have said - it is the parents that need to change and teach the children and not vice verse.

Think of yourself first and how it may impact on your business, what if it doesn't work out? Just think of the little one you have now if introducing the poor behavior in to your setting had a negative effect with her/his siblings it may be the same with the cousin!!

It sounds like you want the challenge :littleangel: and I am sure it's needed :littleangel: but will it be appreciated? or accepted?

GOOD LUCK, you'll need it :thumbsup:

[teacakepenguin]

Oooh tricky. I can see your hesitation, but I can also see that it's a challenge.

I think that locally people are using me as a childminder for 2 reasons, 1 is that their child is too "naughty" for nursery or 2 their child is too quiet for nursery. Otherwise the nursery tends to have most "run of the mill" children before/after school.

I have had much challenging behaviour over the years from my own 4 children, particularly my eldest who has autistic tendancies, so I've had 14 years of practising my coping strategies and how to talk to them and I'm feeling more confident than I used to be, and so far it seems to be working out fine with the rather lively boys I've had in my care.

With this family though I would be tempted to actually charge them for individual things that are broken, that's fair enough I think, and also insist on regular meetings. I don't think I'd be able to not do it though in your shoes, even though it's a lot of work.
Jx

[blue bear]

For me it would depend on the age of the child and how often they wanted me to have them, one day a week is hard going when trying to re train behaviour. If its a school holiday only child I would not think it worth it to be honest.

I've had lots of children with parents who struggle with parenting and more often it's about retraining the adult than the child, children tend to suit their behaviour to the settings expectations I remember one little chap starting school who couldn't dress himself, take himself to the toilet, open his own packed lunch occording to his mum yet he had been doing all that for nearly two years at mine!

I send homework home each week, please get little johnny to practice doing up his zip, please encourage little johnny to sit on his chair during meals, take away his plate as soon as he gets down. The homework is more about showing parents how to encourage their child's positive behaviour than me wanting them to teach their child homework in the traditional sense.