Parent shouting at mindee

[jadavi]

One parent who picks up from mine who has access to his child weekly for one night has begun to raise his voice to his child if he doesn't obey him immediately (child is 18 months)
Been getting worried for a while as child looks scared in response and recently hasn't looked happy when I've said who's picking him up.
My dh suggests i try and educate him but its hard to say something like 'you don't have to shout at him'
Worried about this person's temper which has got him into hot water in the past plus mental instability etc. daren't speak to the rest of the family as there is very very bad feeling between them and they would prob use the info to try to deny him visitation rights which has happened in the past.
Any ideas how to sensitively improve the situation?

[merry]

I would document these incidents, even if it's just a note in a diary, and I would definitely speak to Mum or whoever else in the family who are responsible for him. These are worrying signs, and you have a responsibility to protect him. What they do with that information is up to them, you shouldn't withold that kind of information because you're concerned what they'll do, imagine if it was your child, you'd want to know wouldn't you?
Perhaps you could sort of sympathise with Dad and say it's a difficult age isn't it, I'm finding what works well is staying calm, being patient etc, and get hold of some leaflets on behaviour management for toddlers, nspcc used to have a good one, I think children's centres would have some info you could pass on, or download and print something.

[charlottenash]

Although it would clearly be directed right at them could you put up a house rules sign which includes 'using indoor voices' and I have mine up prominently, it also states 'this is for all visitors to our home'. Then if they don't get the hint just mention that you don't like shouting in your home, despite you understanding how hard it is. Another little rule I implement from the start is 'my house, I rule', everything that happens in my house is upto me, including putting shoes and coats on when parents are here, throwing etc is all my problem, it really creates a clear boundary between home and here.

[sarah707]

If an adult is shouting at an 18 month old in front of you, I dread to think what they are doing when you are not there :(

Only you know the full circumstances - but your decision has to be the one that is right for the child xx

[wendywu]

You need to tell mum that dad is shouting at this toddler. It is not right and has alarm bells ringing with me. Maybe visitation rights were witheld for a good reason.

Your first duty is to protect the child, not to worry about upsetting dad. You need to pass this information on :panic:

[VeggieSausage]

I agree with the above post, your loyalty has to be for the child only and to protect that child if there is any cause for concern.....in my view you must pass it on....

[jackie 7]

Do you have a targeted advice number you can ring. Hd dad needs help with his parenting skills.

[kellyskidz!]

I'd say something personally, you don't have to be rude or condescending just say Oh I'd prefer it if you didn't speak to him like that as he's been a little upset recently.
What can he say to that? It's not offensive or out of line it's honest and the right thing to do. If he does become aggressive then I'd be speaking to mum as its obviously his problem and your loyalties and responsibility lies with this child and his well being x

[jadavi]

Yes thanks a lot

I hear what you are all saying.

If I say anything to mum whatsoever - the sh** will definitely hit the fan within the family as they are looking for a reason to exclude dad from the scene.. It has taken months for me to foster a reasonable relationship with the dad and if they approach him with concerns he'll know it had to definitely come from me.

Also what can they do with the information?

I'll observe one last time and make a decision.
Good advice to document.

It's not shouting .... just strict raised voice telling off tone.... :(

[blue bear]

Can you do the .... Not here, other children ... Ofsted etc and see if things improve. Try and give him an alternative to use at your house, I find whispering stops them in their tracks as they have to listen intently to understand what you are saying. Maybe have dad text you when 5 minutes away so you can have lo ready to go to cut down on dads frustration.

Is it more of a Sargent major loud voice than an angry shout if you see what I mean? Dad needs a gentle prod as to what is appropriate for such a young child, blaming ofsted often works as its not your fault, another silly rule or whatever, it often stops dad getting cross with you and allows you to deal with the real issue.

Good luck x

[jadavi]

Thanks

This thread has given me the confidence to sensitively challenge him next time he does it.

[munch149]

It's hard to Judge how bad it is but every parents different and I don't really see a problem with telling a child off. Men often have stricter voices and tones which is partially why they tend to have more of a influence on behaviour with older children. Men don always realise that younger children could be approached in a different way. Maybe be honest with him. Tell him that you don't want to cause problems but you think there might be more appropriate ways of dealing with any negative behaviour and be ready with suggestions. If he knows you know what's gone on just make the suggestion that he doesn't want to give mum any excuses to stop contact.

[serin]

Only you know how the shouting is but is this a major thing his done wrong? I do watch the time and see when parents are coming so they are usually ready to quickly go. I always tell the children that they should greet their parents straight away and be ready to get going.

[jadavi]

No he hasn't done anything to deserve that tone of voice. Things like 'why don't you listen to what I say' when he doesn't immediately respond.

[wendywu]

Even if i stopped dad raising his voice at my house I would still worry what was going on behind closed doors.

So what if it hits the fan , maybe it needs to. Poor little tot he is only 18 months old . :angry:

[jadavi]

Yes exactly I agree.

I am going to start making comments and maybe modelling to him that there is another way to handle it.

[Jiorjiina]

Be honest with him and say that you have concerns about some of his actions, but you want to work with him first and foremost so that you don't have to take them further. (Which also tells him that you will if you think you have to!)

Perhaps he is feeling the stress of the bad relationship with his child's family, and not handling it well. Just because there are mental health issues in his past, doesn't mean that you should be afraid to raise an issue with him about his behaviour now. If it's going to potentially jeopardise his future relationship with his son then he needs to have it pointed out to him so he can at least have a go at correcting it first.

If he gives you hassle, then calmly point out to him that you are trying to help him, but if he continues to make you feel threatened then you will have no choice but to let the child's mother know the situation.

The main thing is to stay calm and be firm about what you're saying. (Easier said than done, I know!)

[jadavi]

Thank you - very good advice xx

[jadavi]

I found a way of discussing with dad without antagonising him. Little one had a melt down at toddler group so I was able to focus on how I deal with it (calmly etc)
He seemed ok with it but also seemed proud of being old school and firm. He did agree fear was not the best motivator for a child ....
Hopefully we can now revisit the topic often.
Thanks for your support.

[Daisy1956]

Well done it's not alwsys easy to speak with parents about problems as we don't want to be seen as criticising them but sometimes they just need a bit of advice.