View Full Version : Potential parent unsure about my husband... what to do?

18-09-2013, 11:11 AM
Hubs and I have worked together for three years, he as my assistant, and it works out really well but today we have encountered our first blip. A parent came to see us and was really happy and asked to reserve a place for her son but before she left she confided to me that she felt a little uncomfortable about a man being around and asked that I only ever changed her son's nappies.

I understand how she feels but at the same time I feel awful for my poor husband who is the gentlest and kindest of creatures who wouldn't harm a fly. I don't understand why she came to see us to be honest as my profile states that Paul works with me and that we have two adult sons still living at home.

We are all obviously crb checked but I feel that it would be hugely stressful to take on this little boy knowing how his mum feels about men being around him.

What do you lovely ladies think I should say to her... should I be honest and say that I don't think Paul would feel comfortable working with her or should I make up some other excuse?


18-09-2013, 11:18 AM
I would be looking at not signing...

If she is that nervous then he is going to be worried everything his does...

Also there may be times when it is needed he is the one changing nappy...

I think if she has trust issues of him just for been a man seems they will only get worse

18-09-2013, 11:21 AM
Do you want to work with her knowing her reservations. If not then just simply say you are unable to accomdate her request as one of current families needs to change their days.

if you do want to work with this family I think you need to be honest with her and you would not be able to guarutee her that your husband would not change her sons nappy as these daily rountines are carried out by both of you, and it would be really difficult to say you husband never would. I would say you completely understand if she may have reservations, and you understand if she needs to find alternative care. You need to make it clear that if she does cintinue care with you that she be signing to say that either you or your husband could undertake any of her sons needs throughout the day.

18-09-2013, 11:24 AM
I would just explain that like you your husband and sons are CRB checked and that as your husband is registered as your assistant you cannot guarantee that you will be the only one to change his nappy (l could understand her fears more if it were a girl) and as she cannot accept this then perhaps you are not the right carers for her child as you would both feel that there was no trust and confidence in your care.

18-09-2013, 11:27 AM
Why on earth did she come to you in the first place silly woman :angry:.

I would talk to the Mum and explain that you will only sign if you think you will have a trusting client childminder relationship. Her asking you to be the only one to change lo's nappy is not very trusting so you feel it wouldn't be fair on your husband. You can't be expected to 'police' your husband, which is exactly what she is asking you to do in my opinion :(.

Maybe she'll come back and say something reassuring, but if not I'd say goodbye :rolleyes:.

good luck :thumbsup:

18-09-2013, 11:30 AM
I wouldn't take them on - you and hubby are a team working together which she knew before she came x

18-09-2013, 11:31 AM
To be honest, I wouldn't make a big thing of it.

Men in childcare are still relatively rare and a lot of parents have never experienced it. The only things they have heard are horror stories in the news. No wonder some are terrified. It doesn't mean she doesn't trust your husband, it just means it's something that is taking her out of her comfort zone. She has come to see you & has said she wanted a place. If she was really put off by the idea of a man, she wouldn't have done that.

You are in the perfect position to change any preconceptions she has. Does your husband do the nappy changes at the moment? If not, it really isn't a problem. Tell her that he doesn't do them & leave it at that. Then set about showing her what a an advantage it is having a man in the setting. I bet she soon forgets any concerns and realises what a good thing it is.

If he does do nappy changes, would it really be too difficult for you to do them until she is more relaxed about it?

18-09-2013, 11:35 AM
Honestly? I'd be mad as hell and telling her, in no uncertain terms, to do one!
Not because she thinks badly of my husband, but because she thinks so badly of an entire gender that she is willing to be openly discriminatory. Assuming every man is a sex offender by pure virtue of their gender.
Not the sort of client I want anything at all to do with. I would make no effort to protect her feelings at all. I would tell her discrimination in all forms, gender, racial, religious etc, is not condoned or allowed in my home, and as she has so clearly shown she would be unable to comply with this very important part of my settings ideology she needs to go somewhere else.

18-09-2013, 11:45 AM
wonder if she lets the child's father change their nappy.

18-09-2013, 11:49 AM
I would be very honest with her. Explain that you and your husband are a successful team, and you work well together. Also explain to her that there will be times when you will be busy or cooking, and you husband may have to change the little boy. Don't compromise yourselves to appease mom, (as awfully harsh as that sounds) as her son gets older, I am sure she would love the idea of having a male in the house! Good luck x

18-09-2013, 11:52 AM
Are there any cultural issues involved? Is she concerned because she's maybe been involved in a violent relationship in the past? There are other reasons besides blind ignorance that a single mother might have concerns about a man caring for her child.

I don't think I would necessarily rule out working with her, but I would certainly point out that you and your husband are a team, and that while you understand her concerns you can't guarantee that your husband will never change his nappy. Also point out how great it is to have a caring male role model in a small boy's life!

If she's still uncomfortable, I'd just say that she would probably be better finding another childminder who can provide a setting she feels more comfortable with.

18-09-2013, 11:58 AM
I would say that unfortunately you work as a team and no you cannot guarantee your hubby won't be changing nappies. How unfair on your husband, I personally would feel uncomfortable every time you had the child. Maybe ask her outright what her reasons are and take it from there. Standby by your man I say !!! :thumbsup: x

18-09-2013, 12:07 PM
I wouldn't take them on - you and hubby are a team working together which she knew before she came x

Totally agree xx

18-09-2013, 12:43 PM
Listen very carefully to your gut instinct when deciding what to do, I can understand both sides of the arguement. I work with my mum who is a childminder and my dad who is our assistant part time. We recently gained a new family - and they said they really wanted to come to us because of the male influence in the setting which the little one doesn't get at home - just Mum and Nanna at home. I have however sometimes felt a reservation - I recently dropped my teenage daughter to a friends house for a sleepover and the mum and friend weren't there - just stepdad - I couldn't help but feel slightly uncomfortable about that, even though I had no reason at all to feel like that - we just live in a society where we have to be extra careful. The fact that she has signed up and the fact that she openly told you her concern - sounds like she is happy underneath but maybe just a but nervous about leaving her baby for the first time and double checking all areas of safety for peace of mind. It is hard not to be overprotective - I'm sure we all understand this. Listen to your gut and do what you feel is going to best in the long run. xx

18-09-2013, 01:14 PM
I'm afraid I couldn't take on anyone who didn't trust me or my husband. I would be quite insulted on his behalf if anyone said something like that to me.

18-09-2013, 01:25 PM
I would be offended as well as professionally insulted if I were in your situation.

I too work with my old man and although he VERY RARELY changes nappies OUT OF CHOICE - HIS CHOICE, I find it strange and narrow minded that a parent would say this to you. It does sound rather a shaky start, but who knows she may be converted, but strap on your seat belt just in case it's a rocky road.

How does your old man feel? I think mine would be telling them to jog on. It is blatantly sexism and should not be tolerated. Ask yourself are there any other hidden isms :panic:

18-09-2013, 01:26 PM
In your post you say that she feels 'uncomfortable about a man being around' .. You could prob accommodate the nappy change request but your hubby will be around, you are a partnership.

Have you agreed to save the place at this point or are u arranging another meeting?

I would sit down with her and explain how you run your setting and what each of your roles are, if she is still unsure about the 'man being around' tell her straight that you do not think that yours is the correct setting for her child.

If it was me.. I personally wouldnt take her child on, i would always feel i would have to justify contact my hubby had with the child and also that she mite continue to judge my setting... I like to have a friendship with my parents, dont think i could with her. X

18-09-2013, 01:43 PM
There is several ways of seeing this.

You are offended and refuse to take the child on.

You accept the womans concerns and you work around them. She wants to come to you and has trusted you enough to tell you her concerns.

Who knows exactly why she feels uncomfortable but at least she told you of any concerns before she started instead of it festering away at her and becoming an issue.

Only you and your dh know if you can find a way forward with this family :-)

18-09-2013, 02:21 PM
Thanks for all your input, really interesting to read different viewpoints.

My gut instinct is not to take her on, I feel I could be opening some sort of pandora's box somehow but I am not sure why.

Husband has decided for me though as he has said that he thinks that he will feel too uncomfortable and judged to work with her so I am happy to say no to her.

It is a shame though. x

18-09-2013, 04:00 PM
Thanks for all your input, really interesting to read different viewpoints.

My gut instinct is not to take her on, I feel I could be opening some sort of pandora's box somehow but I am not sure why.

Husband has decided for me though as he has said that he thinks that he will feel too uncomfortable and judged to work with her so I am happy to say no to her.

It is a shame though. x

Glad you have came to a decision you and hubby are both happy with xx

18-09-2013, 06:21 PM
I'm sorry, most will disagree with me...I would not be happy with a man changing my child's nappy. I am a minder who may register my partner in the future and if a parent expressed concerns I would respect them. I don't think that men are perverts but for my family I just feel its inappropriate.

18-09-2013, 07:29 PM
I would stay away. So many questions pop into my mind! Can he look after her son without you in the same room or with you on school run for example. She doesnt have trust in your husband so that would worry me alot. I once had a child come to meet me with parents and mum super wanted me and dad was saying he is too young to have a childminder. That said to me he dont trust me with his child so I refused to look after him.