View Full Version : Is this because he is leaving?

02-08-2013, 06:20 PM
My 4yr old mindee is leaving me at the end of Aug as he is going to school. His sister is staying with me though. He will be at the before and after school club all year, he won't even be coming back to me during the hols.

When he first started he was so quiet and shy. Such a timid little thing who would just hide behind my legs. I have worked really hard over the past two years and he has really come in to his own. Such a clever and gentle young chap. However, just lately he has had the devil in him! He has been so naughty.

Just this evening he got all stuff in his drink, and didn't want it, so tipped it all in his sister drink, so she couldn't drink it. Then he jumped all over my sofa, despite knowing the rules, and did not listen when I told him to stop. At tea time he threw bits of his dinner in his sisters drink. He chased my son about pretending to do fighting despite my son crying telling him to stop.

Mindee had three time outs today and I really did need to raise my voice at him. When I am not looking (or when he thinks I am not looking) he will raise his hand and threaten to smack. Tonight when Mum collect he was pretending to fight me and pretending to kick me.

I have never felt such a sense of relief when I closed the door behind him, and I feel awful for feeling like this.

I know he is not good with change and he is about to go through a massive change, he is starting school AND going to a new place as well and will not be with his sister anymore.

I have a week off next week so he is really out of sorts at the moment.

Do you think his terrible behaviour (there is loads more, but have not got enough time to go through it all lol) is due to the fact of all these changes and what can I do to help him?

02-08-2013, 07:15 PM
All the changes will probably be affecting his behaviour. It's a lot to deal with all in one go, especially if he's just left nursery too. If his sister is staying with you he may be wondering what he's done wrong to make you not want him at your house anymore. Even though we know that you're not doing anything to make him think this, he may be confused about why he's leaving you and not really understand.

Boys also get a surge of hormones at about 4 or 5 which can really affect their anger levels and usually ends up with play fights getting out of hand when they want to rough and tumble and others don't want to.

Could you make him a timetable for the summer so he knows exactly what's happening when which might help him with the changes. He might be confused about exactly when he's starting school and leaving you so is getting anxious about it.
With him leaving you could you do something like tell him that once he starts school every week you'll send a postcard to him in his sister's bag. So he still feels like you'll still be part of his life.
Could you suggest doing a scrapbook with him of things you've done together in the holidays and spend 5 mins everyday just the 2 of you filling it in together. It gets you to have some special 1:1 with him and means he'll have a lovely memory book at the the end of the holiday to take with him when he leaves.

I've done things like punching pillows and shouting about what we hate helps them talk about things that they may not realise are bothering them. So if you both throw pillows around or punch them on the floor and you start by shouting something silly like 'I hate it when I have to clean my teeth' then he might shout something he hates. It gets some aggression out in a safe way and teaches him it's ok to be angry and shout about stuff sometimes and might start a conversation about something that you can help him with.

I don't think time outs will work at this stage because he's leaving he may think there's no point in trying to behave cos it doesn't matter if he won't be at your house in a few weeks anyway. I'd try to keep him with you whenever you can so he's not going to bother the others. Give him loads of special jobs as your special helper might keep him busy and from upsetting the other children.

02-08-2013, 07:36 PM
I don't think there is any thing I can add that wasn't said in the last post, all exceptional advice.. :)

02-08-2013, 07:48 PM
I don't think there is any thing I can add that wasn't said in the last post, all exceptional advice.. :)

This and a :hug: for you both x

Bumble Beez
02-08-2013, 08:41 PM
I would agree that it's the current changes that are bringing out this whole other side in him...
I would suggest a lot of affection, reassurance and lots of explaining about what's going to happen in the next few weeks.
Have the child's parents fully explained what is happening? It could be that he is just being told that this is what's happening and is simply struggling to take it all in and process it...he is only four :(
It could be that he is experiencing emotions that he hasn't before...
Try to make his last few weeks with you as enjoyable as possible and know that you have had a huge part in his life.

Sarah x

The Juggler
02-08-2013, 08:45 PM
my two gorgeous , bestest behaved EVER 4 year olds have even been giving me a challenge last few weeks. Even when they were 2 (3 weeks apart in age) they never really fought, argued or disagreed. But i think the fact they were leaving me, starting school in September - think its all a bit much for them :panic:

03-08-2013, 08:00 AM
I think it's definitely the change my 3 yr old (4 in 3 weeks() has been like the she-devil for the last month! Me and mum have taken a different approach for the time being and that is not to talk about starting school, everytime we talked about it previously she would have a major melt down that would last hours. She has become stressed, full of anxiety and also started showing signs of OCD!! She is quite immature for her age, and as one of the youngest in her year I personally think she's going to find starting school very hard. She will be coming to me before/after school but I will have her 16 month old sister all day everyday. Recently most of her bad behaviour has been aimed at her, continuously bossing, snatching toys, slamming toys into her face, pushing, and that was only this week!!!!! Apparently she's horrid at home as well, I think she's going to get a lot worse before she gets better!! It's such a shame I think she would benefit from deferring school till next Sept.