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30-05-2013, 03:34 PM
Hi

Firstly, I'm sorry to gatecrash your forum - I hardly ever come on here but I'm desperate for help with my 3.5 year old.

I'm really struggling. I trained as a childminder and started when he was 9 months old so that I could be home with him but now I find myself wondering constantly if I did the right thing or if he'd have been better off with me at work and him going to another childminder.

I feel like I'm a bad mum to him and that we don't have a very good relationship. I find myself constantly nagging him and getting annoyed with him. I don't know how much of my feelings I let on to him because people are always telling me how calm and patient I am when inside I feel the total opposite. I try to be very positive with him and stay upbeat and give him lots of positive praise and attention. Very occasionally I get to the end of my tether and shout at him but only very very occasionally.

I think a lot of the problem is that he's always tired because his baby sister wakes him up and then he's an early riser. I gave up giving him a nap because he was always even more grumpy after his nap. But I think he could still do with having one really.

He whinges and whines all day. When things don't go his way, like when one of the other children won't play with him or do things his way he cries and shouts at them and whinges to me. He's very impatient - if he asks for a snack and I say I'll get it when I finish doing X he will go on and on and on about it til I get him one. It's got to the point where when I hear him say "mummy" my heart sinks because I know he's going to whinge about something. It breaks my heart that I feel like this.

I know I shouldn't but I compare him to the other children I look after the same age and think why can't he be more like them because they are all so much calmer and better behaved. They do as they're told and don't spend all day whinging and crying at me.

I just feel completely exhausted by him and by myself and I don't know what to do.

I feel like maybe I should give up childminding because he'd be better off with someone else and I'd be a nicer mum if I had a break! :(

The Juggler
30-05-2013, 06:19 PM
I think all of us have had these thoughts whilst minding with small children. I know I did. When they were about 5 and 6 I actually spoke to them as their behaviour was so bad. I told them I used to go out to work for somoene else and go out on the train and never see them, but did this job now so I could be at home with them. They said 'we want to go back to Gilly's' (their old childminder).

However upsetting that was, I now that looking back what they will remember is I was there with them, they may remember I was cross a lot :laughing: but they will know I was there.

I do know what you mean about being more prepared for the behaviour if they were with a minder, but you have seen how other children play their parents up at collection and after a long day at the office, you'll still be a bit tired and there is no guarantee you would tell them off any less.

To kids testing boundaries and havign discipline is part of feeling loved - at least that's what I keep telling myself :laughing::laughing:

chin up x

AliceK
30-05-2013, 06:27 PM
Very often I can relate to the "mummy" thing. I tell mine I'm changing my name some days because it's all I hear, and not for the right reasons. Doesn't help that I currently also have a 1yr old who constantly calls me Mama as well.
Don't be disheartened. We are just human, I'm sure you're a great mum :thumbsup:

xxxx

MessybutHappy
30-05-2013, 06:40 PM
Hugs! My first thought was that nothing you said is unfamiliar! My second was the same as the last post, which is that you'd feel the same if you were "out" to work, tired and he did the same all weekend, which he would! We've all been there, it's probably got little to do with your job and everything to do with him being 3.5!!! I remember thinking I shouldn't go out to work when my eldest kicked off and was evil all the time I was with her, and now I too am thinking the opposite with my youngest!

Can you get some time off? Do you have a partner or family who could have your little man for an afternoon occasionally? It will pass, it's a phase, even a rite of passage for all little ones. Well thats what I tell myself!! Keep in touch!

JCrakers
30-05-2013, 06:47 PM
My dd was 5 when I started minding. She's always been demanding from day 1 and it took her a while to understand that I was working and she basically had to share me with the other children. I always made sure that my spare time was spent with her. I only minded a couple of children to start with and this worked out well.
She didn't have to share her toys if she didn't want to. Anything she didn't want to share stayed in her room and she could bring toys down if she wished to. From what I can remember she was ok.

Now I have a lot of mindees (16) and my dd is 11. She is the hardest child out of all of them. She'll wait until a parent arrives and start asking me for something or help herself to biscuits while I'm talking. She pesters me for things on the school run when she's not even walking with me anymore, she walks with a friend but often seeks me out to ask over and over about a sleepover or a toy she wants.
Basically she'll wait until I'm really busy and then she'll want something from me. She is the only child out of the 16 I look after and my ds (14) who can really stress me out to the point where I feel like packing a suitcase :(
She goes on and on and on, will not take no for an answer and when she finally realises that no means no then we have a huge screaming fit which usually ends up with her on the floor having a tantrum like a two year old. It never washes with me but she still does it....lol

I've often said to her, when all my patience has ran out, that I will give up work and get an office job. She soon says no when she realises what that would mean. Or I've said I'll give up work completely which means no holidays, days out, horse riding and we will even have to move to a smaller house.

You're not alone, its hard.... How about sending him to a nursery or childminder for a day to give both of you a break from each other. Then you may enjoy the time you're together?

Samijanec
30-05-2013, 08:08 PM
I know this feeling all too well. My wee man was three in march and he's always been my hardest to look after. Whilst the minded children mostly do as thy are told, my son hits, bites, runs off and just doesn't listen to me. Oddly though he is perfect when I don't have any mindees. I know he is testing me and some times he almost wins. But I he to stu strong and just grit my teeth.
Having spoken to a number of other childminders it seems such a common thing.

NinaBowen
30-05-2013, 08:54 PM
You are not alone!

In fact before I came on this forum I had just been looking at office jobs. Every few months I somehow think we as a family would be better off if I went out to work full time. My two children are 20 months and 4 years. Would I be any happier, no. I would still be stressed but at least being at home I can get a few jobs done. If I went to work full time, I would have to hire a cleaner, as wouldn't have time to do any house work and we wouldn't sit and eat as a family only at weekends. My daughter who is 4 doesn't call me mummy any more she calls me by my name which really annoys me. But I know she doesn't mean to do it, she just hears the kids calling me that and copies them! My son however, is a problem. Extremely clingy and to be honest if he was one of my mindees, I would have cancelled the contract a long time ago. He always want to be picked up and wants it to be me and him all the time. He is a complete nightmare when after school children come. I am keeping an eye on them, sorting out arguments of who starts what constantly, trying to cook them all tea and he is constantly hanging on to my leg crying because I can't pick him up. However, like you and like all of us on here we are doing the best that we can and trying to provide for our families, giving them the luxury of having us at home all day when the majority of children hardly ever see their parents and with that no doubt a few treats and nice toys along the way.

The Juggler
30-05-2013, 09:12 PM
My dd was 5 when I started minding. She's always been demanding from day 1 and it took her a while to understand that I was working and she basically had to share me with the other children. I always made sure that my spare time was spent with her. I only minded a couple of children to start with and this worked out well.
She didn't have to share her toys if she didn't want to. Anything she didn't want to share stayed in her room and she could bring toys down if she wished to. From what I can remember she was ok.

Now I have a lot of mindees (16) and my dd is 11. She is the hardest child out of all of them. She'll wait until a parent arrives and start asking me for something or help herself to biscuits while I'm talking. She pesters me for things on the school run when she's not even walking with me anymore, she walks with a friend but often seeks me out to ask over and over about a sleepover or a toy she wants.
Basically she'll wait until I'm really busy and then she'll want something from me. She is the only child out of the 16 I look after and my ds (14) who can really stress me out to the point where I feel like packing a suitcase :(
She goes on and on and on, will not take no for an answer and when she finally realises that no means no then we have a huge screaming fit which usually ends up with her on the floor having a tantrum like a two year old. It never washes with me but she still does it....lol

I've often said to her, when all my patience has ran out, that I will give up work and get an office job. She soon says no when she realises what that would mean. Or I've said I'll give up work completely which means no holidays, days out, horse riding and we will even have to move to a smaller house.

You're not alone, its hard.... How about sending him to a nursery or childminder for a day to give both of you a break from each other. Then you may enjoy the time you're together?

lol Jcrackers -are you sure you haven't bodysnatched my dd - she sounds incredibly similar! :panic::laughing:

Starfish007
30-05-2013, 09:27 PM
Your not on your own, my 6 year old has been a nightmare today and the mindees have been great, this is generally the case, its hard in the school holidays as I just want him to go back to school, this makes me feel so guilty. Its ironic though that I do this job so I can be here for him! x

Jenna
30-05-2013, 09:51 PM
I go through this most days with my DS too. As much as I love him to bits he can drive me around the bend at the same time. What makes it worst I have a 3.5 year old mindee who constantly winds him up takes toys off him he's playing with asks him if he wants crisps biscuits and such like when its the middle if the afternoon we don't have these during the day full stop but she'll say something so he wants it and it always ends with him crying his eyes out. I have put DS in nursery for 1 day a week giving us both some time apart from each other. I think it's doing us both good because I miss him when he's not here and he's always so pleased to see me when I pick him up. Hopefully it's just a stage and as he grows up he'll get more used to it I hope so anyway.

handeme
31-05-2013, 06:23 AM
Snap!

I started minding when my little one was 12 months and my eldest was 4. I only started out with one full time mindee similar age to my youngest.

At first my eldest was hardest hit but he understood when I said to him, that would he like it if mummy didn't have the children, he obviously said yes. I told him that was fine but someone else would have to pick him up and drop him off at school, I would not be able to do bedtime stories etc because I would have to go back to my old job.

Now he still has his off days but mainly it's my 3 year old that has the problem. His behaviour at the moment is terrible, screaming and generally bad behaviour. I really feel like he is punishing me for having these other children in his house. He has a lovely bedroom with all his toys in and I have said he can play up there any time or if he wants to bring his toys down that's fine but he really mustn't scream out when someone else looks at them!

Some of the children I have are quite challenging so that probably doesn't help. From September he will be going to school half days and I am dropping a day during the week so I am hoping things will improve.

It's really hard.

sunview_cm
31-05-2013, 06:42 AM
Oh I am glad others have the same issues!

What I find is when my two decide they want to play up, not do as I ask etc the mindees watch and they think they don't have to do as I ask either( well some not all!)

Only yesterday we were having a fire drill I explained to the children that we needed to walk outside sensibly when I sounded the alarm. So what does my ds do (7) as soon as unlock the front door he's running down the drive screaming and waving his arms with another mindee then copying him! Arhh!

My daughter has the worse temper ever! She is just like the poem about a little girl with a curl! She's (3). She has huge tantrums, she has pushed or hit the mindees in temper. The thing is quite often it is because they are being mean or taking one of "her" toys, but she needs to learn not to react like that! Some days I really question if I should be doing this job. Some days I miss my home being just that! And my days off being, being just that!

I use to work term time only 36 weeks out of the year 2 days a week now I work 10 hour days 5 days a week!

Not feeling very contented at the moment :,(

X

buzzy bee
31-05-2013, 07:53 AM
Thank you for your lovely replies. I'm glad it's not just me and I guess in the long run it's better for him that I'm home even if I am grumpy a lot?! He can be so sweet and lovely but that's usually when I'm not in sight. And you're right about other kids playing up at pick up time. Maybe they're not such angels for their mums either!

TooEarlyForGin?
31-05-2013, 07:57 AM
My dd was 5 when I started minding. She's always been demanding from day 1 and it took her a while to understand that I was working and she basically had to share me with the other children. I always made sure that my spare time was spent with her. I only minded a couple of children to start with and this worked out well.
She didn't have to share her toys if she didn't want to. Anything she didn't want to share stayed in her room and she could bring toys down if she wished to. From what I can remember she was ok.

Now I have a lot of mindees (16) and my dd is 11. She is the hardest child out of all of them. She'll wait until a parent arrives and start asking me for something or help herself to biscuits while I'm talking. She pesters me for things on the school run when she's not even walking with me anymore, she walks with a friend but often seeks me out to ask over and over about a sleepover or a toy she wants.
Basically she'll wait until I'm really busy and then she'll want something from me. She is the only child out of the 16 I look after and my ds (14) who can really stress me out to the point where I feel like packing a suitcase :(
She goes on and on and on, will not take no for an answer and when she finally realises that no means no then we have a huge screaming fit which usually ends up with her on the floor having a tantrum like a two year old. It never washes with me but she still does it....lol

I've often said to her, when all my patience has ran out, that I will give up work and get an office job. She soon says no when she realises what that would mean. Or I've said I'll give up work completely which means no holidays, days out, horse riding and we will even have to move to a smaller house.

You're not alone, its hard.... How about sending him to a nursery or childminder for a day to give both of you a break from each other. Then you may enjoy the time you're together?

No No No .... this is my 11 yo daughter.

After she had a major strop yesterday, we had to sit down and talk. One of my little girls who is now 7 has been coming to me for 5 years 7.30-6pm everyday and all through the school holidays. She is brilliant and lovely. She told me the other day she feels like my 3rd daughter, which was lovely. BUT cue major strop from my own DD. I explained to her how wonderful it was that she feels that way and will see her as an older sister, which she doesn't have. I explained I have love and affection for everyone and that I love my daughters first, but I also feel "strong affection" for my mindees, just like nieces and nephews.

She also has been VERY hard work over the years, and I have many times threatened to go to work and put her in childcare for a break, she is a real drama queen.

So OP try not to worry too much, we all have these issues, it might be good to try and get a friend or relative to have him for a little while, to give you a break. But don't feel guilty, as others have mentioned if you went "out" to work you would feel just as guilty.

sskent08
31-05-2013, 08:02 AM
Like others have said we have all been there, I have a 3.5 year old. He can be the most difficult of all the children!

I have put him in pre-school for his free entiltilment, it has really helped, he is very active and has lots of engery and had out grown some of the toddler groups, he now goes to pre-school and I take the little ones to toddler groups.

He has also stopped having afternoon naps, somethimes i think he could still do with one, I put him to bed in our bed and he can watch a dvd or tv, he may not sleep but he will at least rest!

Maybe he could go to pre-school or nursery for a break for you both

Sarahx



Thank you for your lovely replies. I'm glad it's not just me and I guess in the long run it's better for him that I'm home even if I am grumpy a lot?! He can be so sweet and lovely but that's usually when I'm not in sight. And you're right about other kids playing up at pick up time. Maybe they're not such angels for their mums either!