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View Full Version : good enough reason to give notice ??



phoenix2010
07-03-2013, 01:55 PM
Ive got this mum , and she makes comments all the time

I feel like I cant win with her , I actually think she has some sort of disorder as the tiniest things seem to bother her , any kind of mess , forgetting to put something in his bag ,

Ive had lo since he was 8 months and hes 2 now , hes adorable and no trouble at all

Me and mum had issues before and I nearly gave notice but I thought that things had changed but the comments are creeping in again

ill give an example today i took the children in the garden to play with sandpit , ok its not sunny but its not freezing cold , he had coat and hat on , not gloves as he cant play in them , they are big mittens

so she comes to collect and says..... its cold, his hands are freezing , his hands are messy , its raining (it wasnt ) and these are comments dropped casually into conversation. she doesnt come right out and say "I dont think you should be outside" if she did i would explain to her its not that cold and he well wrapped up and its important to try to play out when we can

it really bugs me, mostly her mother in law collects and shes the same , little comments that are hard to counter act

I probably sound stupid as its hard to put into words , but its quite demoralising and i dont want this for the next 2 years or whenever he leaves

any advice ?

Boris
07-03-2013, 02:35 PM
I wouldn't just give notice. Why not ask her to come in for a meeting or review and ask her if she is happy with everything. Maybe try giving her a questionnaire to fill in if you don't feel you can talk to her. She may well say that she is happy with everything and you can stop worrying then! xx

Tinkerbell1979
07-03-2013, 02:44 PM
I agree, I wouldn't give notice, I'd give a questionnaire and see what she says, it could just be a general comment and she doesn't mean anything by it. Surely if she wasn't happy you wouldn't have cared for them as long as you have.

Koala
07-03-2013, 03:06 PM
I would give notice.

I have been there and had a similar experience put up and put up with it until eventually after a heated conversation and asking the parent to leave my house twice and she still carried on I told her to take her child and go. I have never looked back and I and everyone else in my setting is HAPPY again.

She called me unprofessional and hoped on reflection I would see this, As my other half said "the only unprofessional aspect is that to yourself and you didn't tell her to leave a long time ago"

It's passive aggressive approach from them and I feel for you. I was at the point of worrying all the time about everything, it wasn't good for my health and bidding bon voyage was the best move ever! Sometimes it's the only way.

phoenix2010
07-03-2013, 03:24 PM
We had a meeting about 4 months ago as things came to a head , and I thoght we had both aired our views and things seemed to improve but the comments are creeping back in

I sent a letter home about messy play and eplained why we do it and I made her sign it to say she was happy , but still she makes comments about mess and freaks out when he had sand on him today , I actually avoid certain activities when he is here as I know that she will have a problem with it , he comes in best clothes all the time and bright white trainers in winter , and she moans if they get a mark on them

I sent feedback forms home with all parents in January with childrens termly evaluations and she feedback that she was happy with everything , which didnt surprise me as she avoids coming out with what she really wants to say and makes little comments all the time , that are really difficult to react to , eg "oo N your hands are really cold" "look at you , such a mess " always aimed at the child but meant for me


Ive done the meeting , done the letter home , done the feedback form , but still I feel like Im not good enough , and I feel so bad for the child , he loves coming here and I let him do things his mum never will becasue she cant stand the mess

phoenix2010
07-03-2013, 03:26 PM
I wouldn't just give notice. Why not ask her to come in for a meeting or review and ask her if she is happy with everything. Maybe try giving her a questionnaire to fill in if you don't feel you can talk to her. She may well say that she is happy with everything and you can stop worrying then! xx

Thankyou , Ive done that and she wont say that she is unhappy but still the comments come , I know shes not happy otherwise she would have no need to criticise

phoenix2010
07-03-2013, 03:29 PM
I agree, I wouldn't give notice, I'd give a questionnaire and see what she says, it could just be a general comment and she doesn't mean anything by it. Surely if she wasn't happy you wouldn't have cared for them as long as you have.


Thankyou , I think she knows herself that she will struggle to find someone to have him who will live up to her pickiness and it feels like a gradual process of her trying to change me through critisism to her ways , rather than her accepting that this is how I do things , Im happy to compromise but not when it comes to childrens experiences and learning

she definitely does mean something by it , shes a very intelligent lady and admits shes a control freak , she knows what she is saying in my opinion

funemnx
07-03-2013, 03:44 PM
I feel that this women will pick pick away until you either snap or have no self esteem left!

You don't need a reason to end a contract, it's your business to run as you wish :thumbsup:

blue bear
07-03-2013, 04:06 PM
If you have had enough then it's a good reason to give notice. No one should have to feel intimidated at work and certainly not in your own home.

Dear x
Due to a change in personal circumstances it is with regret I am giving the required x weeks notice to end our contract, the last day of car will be x
I have thouroughly enjoyed caring for x and will miss him dearly but can no longer care for him.



I wouldn't mention that her moaning was doing my head in and would be doing a happy dance on the last day.

pipandbaz
07-03-2013, 04:43 PM
Agree to above comment xxx big hugs

phoenix2010
07-03-2013, 05:32 PM
Thanks , she will definitely want a reason for giving notice though :panic:

Ive text her tonight asking her to send him with suitable footwear and gloves for playing outside , shes said Ok ,well she actually said his gloves were in his hat , so I said "oh I didnt see them" and she said "its ok " like id just apologised :rolleyes:

Im going to start challenging her comments rather than just letting them upset me , she just catches me off guard and I end up wishing Id said something or asked her to explain what she means at the time

I think I need to be more on guard , sounds awful doesnt it ,and I shouldnt have to be this way , but I want her to realise that I am aware of what she is doing when she chips away at me

Ill see how she react to the worm biting back and if nothing changes ill give notice :(

AliceK
07-03-2013, 05:38 PM
I would just have an answer for everything, "Yes you had so much fun playing in the sand today didn't you N". When she says he's a mess say "Well it proves he's had lots of fun today". All said in a very sweet happy smiley voice :)
I can't abide parents who don't see that their child might be a bit messy, they might have got cold hands, THEY'VE BEEN HAVING FUN!!!!!!
We will go and play outside even if it is really cold, a bit of fresh air never hurt anyone.

xxxxx

FussyElmo
07-03-2013, 05:54 PM
Has mum got a little bit of post natal depression or ocd do you think?

My friend used to be a lot like this really hated her children being dirty and was constantly washing hand etc.

Even though she is lots better she couldnt actually set out messy play for children it would stress her too much. She brings them to me instead and hovers around them with wipes I shoo her off :laughing::laughing::laughing:

phoenix2010
07-03-2013, 05:55 PM
Well its funny you should say that because , when it was time to go he refused to leave and told her "no" lol he was really getting stuck in , digging in the wet sand , it must have been driving her nuts

and I said "aw bless him , hes having so much fun he doesnt want to leave " she couldnt wait to wash the sand off his hands :(

perhaps my comment annoys her , but most parents would be happy that their child is having fun and my other parents love it when I get messy play out

I wish I didnt take things to heart so much , I usually have a thick skin but for some reason this woman really gets to me.

phoenix2010
07-03-2013, 06:02 PM
Has mum got a little bit of post natal depression or ocd do you think?

My friend used to be a lot like this really hated her children being dirty and was constantly washing hand etc.

Even though she is lots better she couldnt actually set out messy play for children it would stress her too much. She brings them to me instead and hovers around them with wipes I shoo her off :laughing::laughing::laughing:

I think shes definitely a bit OCD , she is quite controlling and everything has to b just so , even the little boy is starting to show signs of her bossiness , telling the other children what to do , i have to stop him from bossing them around

she did let it slip once that she was controlling , when she said he gets that from me

she seems really uptight , like if I forget to put something in his bag , a bib , or a small food container , she will text me when she gets home "is it there ? " most parents would just assume it was and pick it up next time ,its no big deal.

Do you think I should ask her if she think shes a bit OCD , she might be relieved that I mentioned it , if she is then Ill find a way to deal with it , but it would be easier to know.

FussyElmo
07-03-2013, 06:04 PM
The comments may be her way of dealing with it.

She may be extermley happy with you and your care - I mean if she wasnt she would go somewhere else but messy play etc sends her a little stressed :thumbsup:

FussyElmo
07-03-2013, 06:08 PM
I think shes definitely a bit OCD , she is quite controlling and everything has to b just so , even the little boy is starting to show signs of her bossiness , telling the other children what to do , i have to stop him from bossing them around

she did let it slip once that she was controlling , when she said he gets that from me

she seems really uptight , like if I forget to put something in his bag , a bib , or a small food container , she will text me when she gets home "is it there ? " most parents would just assume it was and pick it up next time ,its no big deal.

Do you think I should ask her if she think shes a bit OCD , she might be relieved that I mentioned it , if she is then Ill find a way to deal with it , but it would be easier to know.

depends on how well you know her I was able to tell and help my friend but shes my children godmother etc.

She also didnt know she had it it was just part of her

On the other hand she may just be a control freak :laughing::laughing:

phoenix2010
07-03-2013, 06:14 PM
I feel I know her fairly well , enough to ask her something like that , when shes not making silly comments we can have a joke

perhaps Ill keep an eye on it and then when Im not so peed off with her and we are getting on better , drop it into conversation

perhaps she thinks that shes normal and im a mess :D

although mother in law has said things before that make me think e.g "No better not leave anything behind , life wont be worth living" :rolleyes:

glad I dont have to live with her !

smurfette
07-03-2013, 11:37 PM
Had one like this feel your pain! Would get texts late at night., is the food pot/gloves/hat there? Bag had far too much in it and sometimes things get left and will be found when we clean up in the evening and returned next day! It really got to me, really mum wanted to be at home with Lo and was her way of having control. Came to a head when she kept sending child very sick (lung infection) and wouldn't take her to doctor and in the end I excluded her for two days as she was too ill to be here (been sick for three weeks and infected everyone incl another mindees pregnant mum) but was so relieved not to have to deal with it anymore! As you say it's demoralising ., In my opinion mum won't change so If you have enough give notice.. There are more laid back parents out there!

starlight1
08-03-2013, 10:33 AM
My inital thoughts..it is your business...

Reading through do you think you can get into a head space where these comments don't bother you? If not I would look at giving her her notice...I had an expereince at work where my self confidence was severly knocked despite the knowledge I did a good job ...I still think it affects me a little today..

Good luck whatever you decide

hectors house
08-03-2013, 11:50 AM
I had a mum who really shouted at me when mindee bumped his head - I said to her if she wanted to make a complaint about the care I provided could she put it in writing and I would follow the complaints proceedure but if she felt child had bumped his head because I was neglectful then she could get the number from Ofsted from the poster and ring them. She then realised that it wasn't that bad and that she was over reacting.

Each time this mum makes a comment I would hand her a "comment" slip - sounds like she is unwilling to put her feelings on paper from what you said about feedback questionaire.

Or next time she has a go, just say "I really enjoy looking after X but if you aren't happy with the way I care for him and the learning opportunities I provide perhaps you would better looking else where"

phoenix2010
08-03-2013, 12:14 PM
I had a mum who really shouted at me when mindee bumped his head - I said to her if she wanted to make a complaint about the care I provided could she put it in writing and I would follow the complaints proceedure but if she felt child had bumped his head because I was neglectful then she could get the number from Ofsted from the poster and ring them. She then realised that it wasn't that bad and that she was over reacting.

Each time this mum makes a comment I would hand her a "comment" slip - sounds like she is unwilling to put her feelings on paper from what you said about feedback questionaire.

Or next time she has a go, just say "I really enjoy looking after X but if you aren't happy with the way I care for him and the learning opportunities I provide perhaps you would better looking else where"

I sort of wish that she would shout at me or come right out and say something , but its much more subtle than that , however it still really gets to me none the less
little sarcastic comments are much harder to respond to i find
and when asked she always says she is very happy with the care I give and she knows that he loves it here
its very confusing

phoenix2010
08-03-2013, 12:16 PM
Had one like this feel your pain! Would get texts late at night., is the food pot/gloves/hat there? Bag had far too much in it and sometimes things get left and will be found when we clean up in the evening and returned next day! It really got to me, really mum wanted to be at home with Lo and was her way of having control. Came to a head when she kept sending child very sick (lung infection) and wouldn't take her to doctor and in the end I excluded her for two days as she was too ill to be here (been sick for three weeks and infected everyone incl another mindees pregnant mum) but was so relieved not to have to deal with it anymore! As you say it's demoralising ., In my opinion mum won't change so If you have enough give notice.. There are more laid back parents out there!

Im not sure she wants to be home with him because he comes on a day she doesnt even work
I think she just wants to control everything I do with him , which she obviously cant
when hes ill though , she doesnt send him thankfully
Im glad its not just me , it makes me feel paranoid sometimes :(

phoenix2010
08-03-2013, 12:19 PM
Reading through do you think you can get into a head space where these comments don't bother you?

Im thinking that this might be what Im going to do next , along with confronting the comments as they happen and smiling sweetly , as I really do think that the problem is hers and not mine , all my other parents are happy , in fact one brought me flowers this morning for mothers day and it was so nice to feel appreciated :D

phoenix2010
08-03-2013, 12:42 PM
Nothing was said when lo was dropped off this morning , but got the feeling she was feeling tension as much as me

anyway all she said was that she wished she was a child as they have no worries and just run in and start playing , must be so nice to just have fun all day

and in his diary i just read that he "woke up this morning chatting about me and his friends here and it was so sweet" :rolleyes:

me thinks shes feeling guilty !

smurfette
08-03-2013, 12:57 PM
Ha! Sounds a bit like it! You may have to come straight out and say to her that although she says she is happy with his care that comments she makes, make you think otherwise. Maybe confronting it head on might make her realise? It does sound as though really she does know she is well off with you but can't help herself!

Boris
08-03-2013, 02:25 PM
Do you think she's perhaps making these comments to make you feel bad on purpose? I don't mean in a nasty way. I mean like a "you're not his mum so you can't possibly do as good a job as me" kind of way. Perhaps you make her feel a bit inadequate. I think you're right to start picking up on her comments and asking if there is a problem. Are you busy in your area? If you think you'll fill his space I think I would give notice, it sound like you've really tried with her. It's not worth being made to feel like poop! x

jillplum
08-03-2013, 02:58 PM
Do you think she's perhaps making these comments to make you feel bad on purpose? I don't mean in a nasty way. I mean like a "you're not his mum so you can't possibly do as good a job as me" kind of way. Perhaps you make her feel a bit inadequate. I think you're right to start picking up on her comments and asking if there is a problem. Are you busy in your area? If you think you'll fill his space I think I would give notice, it sound like you've really tried with her. It's not worth being made to feel like poop! x

Hit the nail on the head I think. She probably lacks self confidence so needs to feel that you are not better than she is at looking after her child ............even tho she suspects you are :clapping:

phoenix2010
08-03-2013, 02:58 PM
I agree , I think she speaks before she thinks and cant help it

I remember putting some bowls of food out for the children to play with in the kitchen / home area , lentils , oats , dry pasta , of course the first thing lo did was mix them all together in one big bowl, and she was telling him off , saying "no dont do that , now its ruined" and I just said "but hes mixing the ingredients together which is what I would expect him to do" , she just didnt get it :rolleyes:...poor kid!

We are reasonably busy in our area , but I dont really enjoy the whole process of finding new children and getting to know new parents (iykwim),especially when i love the ones Ive got , so hard , why do they have to have parents :D

KatieFS
08-03-2013, 04:06 PM
I agree with Alice. I think you've been great doing all the forms and talking to her.
Goodness me dressing children in best clothes! Kids get dirty... And they LIKE it!!
You've given her one chance. Would anything improve if you talked to her again. Probably not. Why put yourself through it??! Unless you need the income and if you can bear the sniping....
Personally, is be saying bye bye. I think it's quite disrespectful to say those little comments things about my work. If you have some feedback or comments, then put it across respectfully. Speak how you want to be spoken to!

KatieFS
08-03-2013, 04:08 PM
And I feel the same about settling in. It's the part of the job I enjoy least!
Good luck x