Help needed Please!!!!

[poppykins]

Hi everyone,

I have started a new little one (1 year old) and he will not settle he did three weeks settling in although didn't come one week due to sickness. He has done two weeks now (4 in total with the settling in).
He cries from 8am - 5pm (I have him two days a week) and it's really getting me down. He hardly eats and on most days will not drink a drop of water.

I have spoken to the parents who just told me the baby and me will just have to get on with it.
I approached the mother and she started crying advising there were no other childminders and that they couldn't afford a nanny. She also got very nasty and started going on about my ratio numbers, told me I must hate her baby when all I said was that I think her baby could do with a one-to-one childminder as I have children of my own as well as a couple of other minded children.

Any advice please as I want to give notice but think these parents will really make it hard for me and could possibly even complain.

Thanks :(

[step11]

Oh no poor you. I would give it another month. Babies take time to adapt to new environments. Also if he's doing 2 days a week it's not much time. What says does he do? Does mum take him to stay an plays why she has him?

[AgentTink]

I have been there and it is horrible feeling not being able to calm a baby, and then also worrying about the other children. after 9 weeks I did come out the other side and now have a wonderful lovely little boy, however during his screaming there were times when I could calm him for a bit so I could see light at the end of the tunnel.

Do you want to carry on looking after your mindee or do you want to give notice so I know what advice to give you?

If your worried about a complaint just make sure that you are documenting some where the fact that you are talking to parents about how unsettled the child is.

[blue bear]

4 days is not very long for a screamer to settle,dies he ever settle? What about bringing the pushchair in and wrapping him up so he feels more secure, is he any better in the garden or when you go for walks, dioezhe stop if you carry him.
I usually start off carrying en I can and in the buggy when I can't then ween them onto my lap, between my legs,next to me, a little bit away etc until they are secure.

What happens at home? Is he picked up a lot, maybe talk to mum about putting him down a bit more.

Another way of settling quicker is having lo full time for a couple of weeks, depends if you have room and if parents want to pay for it or you charge half or something just tsettle him quicker, although thus is still not guaranteed to work.

[poppykins]

Hi ladies

Thank you for your replies, I have done everything to make him feel secure from rocking him in the pram, cuddling him, sitting and playing with him everything you could think of, he even screams when his out and about. I can't take him to stay and plays because I get looks and it's really embarassing.

I think his mum carries him around all the time at home but has also advised that when she "can't take no more" of his screaming, she has to go out the house with him. She is also a mum that won't be told or will help you if I was to ask for her to stop picking him up all the time. she said to stop him crying sometimes so she can do the chores at home is scatter raisins around the living room floor - i'm not doing this.
The main concern is he won't eat only a little at times and he will NOT drink a thing!!

I can't even think of carrying on for any longer as every night his gone home I have a huge migraine and he is making another minded child that i've had for a while, constantly cry now. It won't be long before his parents realise a change in him.

[poppykins]

He never settles and i've had him 8 days hun not 4 :)


4 days is not very long for a screamer to settle,dies he ever settle? What about bringing the pushchair in and wrapping him up so he feels more secure, is he any better in the garden or when you go for walks, dioezhe stop if you carry him.
I usually start off carrying en I can and in the buggy when I can't then ween them onto my lap, between my legs,next to me, a little bit away etc until they are secure.

What happens at home? Is he picked up a lot, maybe talk to mum about putting him down a bit more.

Another way of settling quicker is having lo full time for a couple of weeks, depends if you have room and if parents want to pay for it or you charge half or something just tsettle him quicker, although thus is still not guaranteed to work.

[mr man]

I had this, but you've done more than me. Little boy screamed all his settling in, 2 hours. Was lucky if there was 20 seconds without crying. I am not exaggerating. Came to full days and parents weeper anxious as he does the same at home. So he still only came for 2 hours, 2 days a week.
No joy after a month, still screaming as bad as day one.

Good luck, with it, I felt bad but knew its not fair on him, mum or me. Everyone was stressed. Mum now socialises with him and he meets others. Before he was only ever at home with mum, never left house only to grandmas for afternoon each week.

Not much advice on how to deal,with it, there's oh so much we can do.

[lorraine04]

I am in the exact situation, Little one is now 1 and has been coming 2 days a week for 3 months and cries aaaaaaaallll daaaay. The only time he doesnt cry is when i am glued to his side. This isnt practical at all as i have other children too. If i get up to go make his food he starts to scream knowing that i am going into the kitchen. Ive sat him in the high chair with me, ive sat him in the walker, in the travel cot. There is no where he is happy other than in my arms. I now have to let him scream whilst i get on with making lunch etc as there is simply nothing more i can think of. Mum said they do not pick him up all the time and fuss over him but i find that very hard to believe. He is now developing a temper and gets angry with me lol. grits his teeth and screws up his fists when i wont pick him up. I am completely honest with mum + dad when they ask how he has been and how i deal with it. I dread my 2 days with him as i know whats coming. I just think its him and i have to accept that he will eventually grow out of it. Not every baby is going to be easy and in this job you have to take the rough with the smooth UNLESS you decide it's too much for either you or the child. I now take a paracetamol when he leaves and get on with the rest of my week

[Becci26]

Just a very quick note post from me as I really should be getting ready for work...!!

All I can say is stick with it, I had a Lo start with me a year ago who took some time to settle and like yours cried pretty much all day long (he too only comes twice a week). I really wondered how on earth I would get through it, (our neighbours pit their house up for sale and have moved, im sure the crying scared them away!) but after a while and plenty of tlc we bonded, he got used to coming and now loves it here. Doesn't cry at all and he is like part of the family :-)
Unfortunately it's his last day today as I have had to give notice to my under 5's due to suffering with spd in pregnancy (only 17 weeks!) - I fear there may be some tears from me later! :(

[Dragonfly]

I,ve got a screamer but he has only been twice and he is only 8 mths so know it's going to be a long process.Think lot's of walks with the other children helps as distracted in the pushchair out and about, not practical i know but helps get some peace.

[miffy]

It's very tough when a lo cries constantly but he is young and if not used to being separated from mum then it's understandable and he's not been with you very long so hasn't formed an attachment to you yet. I know that doesn't help your sanity but things should get better although it's a lottery as to how long that may take.

Putting him in the pushchair and keeping it close to you so you can talk to him but still be hands free to deal with the other children is a good idea. Does baby have a comforter - if not ask for a favourite toy or blanket from home or something with mum's scent on that may help calm him. You need to speak to mum and find out how he is at home - what does she do to calm him when he's upset? Personally, I think it odd that mum said "baby would just have to get on with it" - not very helpful.

If you feel you don't want to continue looking after him then don't let mum bully you into carrying on - as you say, you have other children to consider too. We are all here for support so good luck whatever you decide

Miffy xx

[watgem]

I had one too and like you really felt like giving notice as it is incredibly draining and stressful, however, after 5 months he got there, and is like part of the family now, he doesn't even look at his mum when she goes just waves his hand in the air as he goes off to play! The only consolation for me was that he was like it with everyone. I just kept him close to begin with and gradually moved myself away little by little. Mum also agreed to add some extra days, just for a couple of hours which I feel definitley helped him to get used to us more, could this be an option?

[Little Puddings]

I've got one too, she will be 2 end of April I only have her twice a week for two hrs as mum is a dinner lady at our school, she will cry for first hour and a half then fine for last 30 minutes. Sometimes I just have no choice but to put her to bed so the others can finish their lunch in peace. She is a total fraud as when I see her in the school playground she will come up to me wanting me to pick her up. Mum has been off work since Dec so it will be fun when she returns, not..... she has older siblings 8 and 10 so she has got everyone wrapped around her finger.
I have stuck with it as towards end of term she gets better but it starts again after the holidays. Drives my husband nuts if he is working from home as he is in lots of conference calls during the day.

[VeggieSausage]

I have one like this but after 6 months we are finally making progress. Try and spend as much one to one with them on the floor to build up trust with you first....then move on from there....very hard work though isn't it but as you can read you may give notice only to be replaced by another....

[bunyip]

Reading these replies, I've only just begun to realise how common this is. My 1st lo was just like this - demanding to be picked and carried all the time. I felt v isolated and thought it was just me and I must be doing something wrong. It was just what lo was used to at home, and I couldn't do it, what with grandchildren to care for as well. She gradually came out of it by very slow and steady stages. She's still prone to enormous sulks, but is far better than I'd ever imagined possible.

OK. So some of us have got through this. BUT that does not mean the OP has to - and you mustn't feel bad if you have to give notice.

I understand the fear of thinking parents might make it hard or complain. But what makes you so sure that will happen? and in what way do you think they'd make it hard?

Being aware means you can be prepared for the worst if it happens - and there's nothing to say it will happen. You should document everything and the details of conversations with the mum, so you have evidence that you've done everything possible to resolve this. I'd also make a note if mum has said anything specific that is clearly false, irrational, manipulative, threatening, abusive, etc. eg. You say she has been "nasty" - in what way?

You need to make a decision for the right reasons. Giving notice may well be the right thing to do, and it is not a sign of defeat or failure. What you must not do is keep the lo on for the wrong reasons - ie. cos you're under undue pressure and afraid of the consequences. Dealing with a (possible) complaint is never pleasant but Ofsted probably won't want much more than a reply/response as per your normal complaints procedure. It would have to be something pretty serious before they even come out to inspect - and what exactly are they going to find to support such a malicious complaint? Nothing.

Either keep trying or give notice. But you'll never be happy keeping a lo whilst you're only motivated by fear. :(

Hope it works out. :)

[tigwig]

I've had one too! I started with a 12mth baby when I was nearly 8mths pregnant. She had been held or next to her mum constantly all day and most of the night although I didnt realise this before giving her a place! She screamed and screamed all day for week after week. I also had another baby to look after who fortunately was not at all affected by her noise and would happily play. It was SO embarrassing at groups as other mums would look at me like I was totally useless and other CM's would help me but that made me feel worse. All this looked even more terrible given the fact I had a huge bump too! Unlike you though, her mum was lovely and it was this that kept me going. So many people told me to give notice but I refused as I knew she would settle eventually. After about 6 weeks, she did get a lot better, still far from settled but you could tell a difference. I then had a 4 week break to have my baby and when she came back she was bad again but not quite as bad as she was to begin with. I would say the whole process took about 4-5 mths including my time off but when she settled properly she was adorable. I'm glad I kept going as I couldnt bare the thought of telling mum I didnt want to look after her anymore. Its a very personal decision and only you can decide to do whatever you think is best. :)