Mindee always wanting to be held

[MrsP2C]

I've got a new mindee (13mths) who is very sweet & seems to have settled in well but wants to be carried ^all^ the time & I'm finding it hard to juggle other children, meal times etc without constantly putting her in the high chair. She is a competent crawler & *can* walk but doesn't really want to do either - when I sit down & play she attaches herself to me either cuddling or just sitting on my lap and if I get up even to cross the room she screams! Playgroups she will literally cry unless held or sat on me which is getting my other mindee (11mths) agitated. She loves the buggy & car but I can't spend all day out & about!

Any suggestions how I can encourage a bit more independence without upsetting the bond she's only recently developed with me?

[jo.jo76]

I've got a new mindee (13mths) who is very sweet & seems to have settled in well but wants to be carried ^all^ the time & I'm finding it hard to juggle other children, meal times etc without constantly putting her in the high chair. She is a competent crawler & *can* walk but doesn't really want to do either - when I sit down & play she attaches herself to me either cuddling or just sitting on my lap and if I get up even to cross the room she screams! Playgroups she will literally cry unless held or sat on me which is getting my other mindee (11mths) agitated. She loves the buggy & car but I can't spend all day out & about!

Any suggestions how I can encourage a bit more independence without upsetting the bond she's only recently developed with me?

This is connected to separation anxiety rather than her not wanting to walk, the fact you say she is a new mindee and gets upset when she cannot see you or be with you means she sees you as some she feels safe with, by wanting to be held or sit on your lap, and is a great thing. You need to gradually help her to feel confident that you will come back if you leave her sitting while you go to help another child. On a recent PSED course they said to do lots of object permanence activities, so peek-a-boo games, what's in the box, etc. so she learns that even though she cannot see something it is still there. Depending on how long you have had her I would say it's still early days, I had a 13mth old for over 6 wks before I could leave the room without him :)

[phoenix2010]

I would suggest putting her down for increasing amounts of time , would she feel safer put in a travel cot , play pen for short periods , rather than on the floor , this might make her feel more secure

I also try not to pick them up when they are at full screaming , sobbing point, as this reinforces that screaming gets them picked up , I would try to console from a distance , with distraction etc or rubbing back rather than fully holding , and then once a bit calmer then pick her up , if that makes sense

[freckleonear]

I recently took on a 13 month old mindee who is very much the same. It's definitely connected to separation anxiety but I'm glad that she's obviously accepted me as a substitute caregiver while her mum isn't there. I wear her in a sling a lot (on my front and my back), and I'm sure that she will gradually become more independent as the separation anxiety eases. In the meantime, meeting her needs will build up her trust.

[freckleonear]

I also try not to pick them up when they are at full screaming , sobbing point, as this reinforces that screaming gets them picked up , I would try to console from a distance , with distraction etc or rubbing back rather than fully holding , and then once a bit calmer then pick her up , if that makes sense

I'm sorry, but I find that heartbreaking. :crying: You don't want them to learn that adults will respond when they communicate their needs and emotions in the only way they are capable of?

[VeggieSausage]

I have a lo who is like this too, I have had him 6 months though and I can't even get turn around in the same room without extreme crying, it is very wearing, mum isn't worried she says its because he's nosy and wants to know what I am doing?!?......all I can say is persevere....mine has begun by the end of toddlers to leave my side and move a few metres away to play so progress has been made and I can now put him down if I am very close by.....

[nipper]

I have 12 month old mindee who goes through stages of this. Mum admits she always gives her lots of cuddles but appreciates that I can't always do the same. I just have to give plenty of reassurance and distraction usually works. I find if I get down to her level and just give her a reassuring pat on the back with some kind words that helps.

[lyla's mum]

I agree with freckleonear on this one, slings are perfect for this sort of situation and i would rather build a child's confidence at their own pace than ever let them get to the sobbing and screaming point

[merry]

I'm sorry, but I find that heartbreaking. :crying: You don't want them to learn that adults will respond when they communicate their needs and emotions in the only way they are capable of?

Completely agree with this, I have one like this and if he has ever got to that state because I couldn't pick him up any quicker he takes so much longer to calm down. A child suffering separation anxiety is not manipulating you to get what they want, they're telling you loud and clear what they need!

:)

[phoenix2010]

I'm sorry, but I find that heartbreaking. :crying: You don't want them to learn that adults will respond when they communicate their needs and emotions in the only way they are capable of?

When they are doing it for attention !:rolleyes:

you can tell the difference between that and guenuinely being upset surely ??? :)

[jillplum]

I try to gradually put them down eg when my lo puts her arms up to be picked up I will get down on the floor with her and cuddle her so she feels safe but I havent actually picked her up iykwim. She is usually then happy to move away and play for a while.

[freckleonear]

When they are doing it for attention !:rolleyes:

you can tell the difference between that and guenuinely being upset surely ??? :)

If a child is full on screaming and sobbing for attention, then I would say that is a genuine need.

[tori4]

This is connected to separation anxiety rather than her not wanting to walk, the fact you say she is a new mindee and gets upset when she cannot see you or be with you means she sees you as some she feels safe with, by wanting to be held or sit on your lap, and is a great thing. You need to gradually help her to feel confident that you will come back if you leave her sitting while you go to help another child. On a recent PSED course they said to do lots of object permanence activities, so peek-a-boo games, what's in the box, etc. so she learns that even though she cannot see something it is still there. Depending on how long you have had her I would say it's still early days, I had a 13mth old for over 6 wks before I could leave the room without him :)

Thanks for the suggestions will def give this a go with new 9mnth who has just realised doesn't like it when I move :-/

[MrsP2C]

Thanks really helpful and good to hear it might ease off as she settles in more!

[SDC34cr]

i too have a little 13mth. i have had him since 8mths old. I have had days when i didnt know what to do with him as i have others to mind. Luckily i work with an assistant so we have 'shared' him but he does prefer me if im around and will cry when he sees me because he wants me. He has now just started to crawl and will follow me around the house and he seems to be a bit happier on the floor rather than being carried. I can now put him down to sleep ( he only has two short naps of 20 mins, during the day when he finally gives in and goes to sleep), he prefers the buggy rather than the cot, with the music on with out the screaming and tantrums. Its been hard over the winter with the cold weather, he likes being outside but we have not really been able to sit and have lots of toys out for him to play with and has been in my arms or in the buggy most of the outside play times. Im sure your little one will get there too soon but all i can say is i am pleased mine has at last settled it makes the time with him so much more enjoyable and i cant wait for him to get running around outside when he learns to walk, im looking forward to a good summer with him.

[KatieFS]

Hi all. I have very similar difficulties with a mindee. She is nearly 18 months now. Had her since she was 8 months and she has always liked to be held. She is first baby and parents do tend to hold her and carry her. She was getting better, but I've taken on new little ones and she seems to have gone back a few steps. I think some of it is a bit of jealously. She is adjusting to new children and not having me to herself as much, so being patient. I try not to pick her up unless completely necessary now, I sit with her and pat her on back to try to reassure her. I'm going to monitor over next few months. I hope by time she reaches 2 this will change. Encouraging parents to do the same. There is an attachment course I'm going to look at too. I have no doubt it's seperation anxiety with a blend of difficulties with change.