PDA

View Full Version : A 'real' job?



migimoo
19-02-2013, 10:14 AM
SO upset with my husband...chatting over dinner and the subject of male CM's came up (episode of Friends was on with the male nanny)...hubby said he couldn't do it as a man as it's not a 'real' job:panic:

I'm so angry with him on 2 levels...
1)his chauvinistic attitude that only a woman can/should look after children when all the excellent male cm's prove that's rubbish...myself and dd argued the good role model part and he just dismissed it.
2)that he obviously thinks that I don't do a 'real' job....I work the same amount of hours as him but with no breaks as well as doing all of the housework,cooking,shopping,sorting out of our own kids on top yet he obviously feels that he has more worth than me!!??:angry:

Just SO hurt and upset,we are barely speaking,he's trying to make out now that he was messing about and joking but I know he wasn't.
We nearly split up 18mnths ago due to me feeling alone and unsupported in our marriage and since then I really felt he'd changed (always telling people how proud he is of me,etc) with this one comment I just feel like he's erased all of that.

Sorry for the moan I just have no-one I can talk to about this through the day when he's not here.

Ripeberry
19-02-2013, 10:31 AM
So sorry you're having a hard time. Men just don't understand that it may just be 'housework' but it's the grinding monotony of it that gets me down :(
Sounds like he is trying to save face by not appologising. When my husband has a go at me, asking why the living room is a mess I don't even bother to argue with him anymore. I just tell him to get on with sorting it out! I've seen a friend reduced to tears when she was at home with a baby as her husband DEMANDED that the house be kept clean and tidy for when he got back from work. She lets it slide now and refuses to be bullied.
Just know that you are doing a good job for yourself and the family, when people bicker about who does the most work then they are not listening to each other. Family is about working as a team.( OK I'll get off my soapbox now)

Bet if you went off for a long weekend and he had to do all the work he would soon shut up! :D

migimoo
19-02-2013, 11:06 AM
It's not so much the housework side of it as that's down to me...i'd rather do it myself and have it done 'properly' :blush:
it's more how he feels about me being a CM that i'm hurt by...It took me years to take the leap to do this and I love it but now just feel that he must think I sit drinking tea and watching Jeremy Kyle all day when I work my butt off....on the rare occasion he pops in through the day he only stays 5 mins as he can't stand it so don't know how he can justify that but:huh:

Little Pickles
19-02-2013, 11:11 AM
Try not to let one comment ruin the last few months where he has by your own admission been making an effort to change. This may be a case of men are from mars woman are from Venus ...he was prob just having a bit of banter and you have taken it to heart, he's prob thinking about it now and wondering what on earth he's done wrong . Try to put it into perspective and look at the whole picture rather than dwelling on one throw away comment

Rick
19-02-2013, 11:16 AM
I'm a male childminder and I can vouch for the hard work we have to put in every day and sometimes working late evening getting paperwork done. Judging by the comments I get from parents, I know they appreciate the hard work I put in! :D

phoenix2010
19-02-2013, 11:17 AM
Unfortunately its not just men/husbands that think this way

a lot of people think that way about childminding

I recently sent a learnign journey home to a mum who shared it with granny who picks him up and she said she was shocked how much work I do and thought I just "had him"

they dont have a clue , mind you , your husband lives with you so should really know better and clearly sees it from the inside

Interesting what slips out of their mouths sometimes , before they engage their brains isnt it ???? :(

I hope you sort it out x

crazyXstitcher
19-02-2013, 11:32 AM
Unfortunately its not just men/husbands that think this way

a lot of people think that way about childminding



The amount of people who have :eek: faces when I explain we have to do EYFS etc. They just don't have a clue.
"What? Like at a nursery"
"Yes"
"Really?"
"Yes"
" :eek: "

Fortunately husbands can be trained although it can be a slow process. :rolleyes: Took mine a while to come to terms with the fact that this wasn't just something i was doing while our children were little.

vonnyhall
19-02-2013, 11:42 AM
The amount of people who have :eek: faces when I explain we have to do EYFS etc. They just don't have a clue.
"What? Like at a nursery"
"Yes"
"Really?"
"Yes"
" :eek: "

Fortunately husbands can be trained although it can be a slow process. :rolleyes: Took mine a while to come to terms with the fact that this wasn't just something i was doing while our children were little.


My husband used to think like that when I first became a childminder, then unlucky for him he lost his job and was forced to live the life of a CM for a month whilst he looked for another job.

My husband now knows the amount of work and effort that goes in to our job and would never dream of putting me down anymore.

He now tells everyone how proud he is!! Maybe your hubby needs to be your assistant for a while lol xx

bunyip
19-02-2013, 05:45 PM
Well, speaking as a former rugby-playing male CM who used to remove body parts from railways in his past job but can now be found cross-stitching individual children's names on towels......

...er, tell me about it! :rolleyes:

I do think it's sad that we don't seem to have come very far in my (not inconsiderable) lifetime. I have a female doctor, women go into space, but still every parent sends their DD here dressed in pink and with their sole life's ambition of becoming Kate 50dding Middleton and marrying a prince. (Sorry - bit of a rant there. :o)

On the bright side, the blokes in my 'local' are an 'ard bunch of farmers, ex-miners and iron workers. All but one think what I'm doing is brilliant and are always asking how it's going. Thay all bought me a drink when I got through my first inspection.

I nearly gave up during my induction training when, during a break, I overheard the other trainees (female) discussing how unsuitable it was to have a male on the course. I think the phrase was, "men are not emotionally or biologically suited to childcare." This just made me more determined in the end.

I think one of the high points was when I was on a 1-day PLA course and a highly experienced CM introduced herslef to me and said, "well I suppose you must be gay." to which I replied "only if you aren't." :rolleyes:

If I lived in Bedlam (I don't - I'm just off the M1 in Purgatory) you could talk to me. :)

sarah707
19-02-2013, 06:02 PM
My partner is my co-childminder and knows just how hard we work ...

My ex husband said recently I needed a proper job and I had to be restrained! he should know better :(

:group hug::group hug:

sophieg
19-02-2013, 06:08 PM
I have a good friend and colleague who is a male child minder,he's about 7 feet tall and the kids luv him. He does get a few odd looks wen we're at groups etc but he's great. Tbh he's more woman than all of us!!! I think he's a great roll model for some of his mindees that don't have a male figure in their lives.

FussyElmo
19-02-2013, 06:11 PM
Flip the comment on its side - do you want a proper job?

I dont quite happy working my "not a proper job"

I have no clocking on machine.
I have no boss to answer to.
I have no colleagues who are unhappy and not pulling their weight.

I like waking up in the morning and deciding what to do whether its making a snowman of being out on a nice sunny day.

I like knowing I am making a difference to the children and the families.

I dont want a proper job why on earth would I? :clapping::clapping::clapping:

merry
19-02-2013, 06:19 PM
Sometimes people say things without really thinking, then when they're challenged they feel threatened and react defensively, insisting they're right, or that they didn't mean it and you've taken it the wrong way. I know I've been guilty of this myself and instead of just calmly saying I'm sorry, of course you're right, it was a stupid thing to say, I don't know why I did, I instantly start defending myself and accusing people of deliberately misunderstanding or putting words in my mouth that I never said:blush: My Mum is quite an aggressive person who always had to blame someone for everything that didn't go her way, usually me as I was the eldest, and it really became instinctive for me to react like this to protect myself, and those instincts developed in childhood are very strong! So if your husband has really been trying to make things work and this is the first time he's slipped up, maybe he deserves the benefit of the doubt, one mistake shouldn't erase months and months of things going well.

:)

RuthJ
19-02-2013, 06:20 PM
Aw, bless you :group hug:

I can imagine that it must be really hard not to get very annoyed and upset by what your hubby has said. It would be a shame to let this ruin how far you've come in the last 18 months though. Try to resolve it quickly :group hug:

migimoo
19-02-2013, 07:53 PM
Rick-Knight and Bunyip...I'm sure you've had to put up with hearing crap like this and worse for years and am just so sad that my hubby sees things that way-not the sort of example I want for my ds-my dh comes from a family where the men are proud of the fact that they've never changed a nappy and laugh at him when he washes up or kisses our son but I thought he was a better man than that after 17 years of reconditioning!

Thanks to everyone for their comments, I just feel that he's been slowly slipping back to his old ways and this just tipped me over the edge...he HAS been super-creeping today so it's thawed out a bit here, hopefully he'll think before he opens his big mouth again:mad:

lubeam
19-02-2013, 08:16 PM
when i told my DH i was going to look into being a CM he said well yeah saves you getting a real job doesnt it!:angry:

after a rather large talking too he decided to reel his neck in and says he cant believe how much we have to do. he actually said the other day that were like their first teachers with the EYFS and getting them ready for school etc . which i thought was nice :clapping:

9million policies
15million risk assesments &
20million hours of research he cant wait for Ofsted to come so i get off his case about everything ! :o

TooEarlyForGin?
19-02-2013, 08:27 PM
Try not to take it to heart, as many have shown on this thread very few people understand what we do, which is a constant frustration. It has been a bug between my DH and me even after 10 years. Some days he seems to respect it, others he will suddenly say "oh could you just pop to the shops for me?"

Once during a family discussion, my SIL who has a "career" was leaving her children, travelling abroad for long periods, was feeling guilty. (I hasten to add I did ask why she was made to feel guilty, but her husband wasn't) at first my FIL and DH seemed to support me saying, its just as important to be to be a mum at home with the children, when my BIL turned around and said "well, she doesn't do anything really important, unlike my wife, who has an important job". I sat waiting to be defended and it never came. My DH got some earache from that one.

My MIL has regularly said things such as "well it must be nice to be able to get the housework done". And regularly asked me to drop the grandchildren off, so she could spend some time with them, during the school holidays, a 40 minute drive, not her picking them up.

Only other mums, and people in childcare themselves seem to really understand what it is like.

mum24
19-02-2013, 08:44 PM
Rick-Knight and Bunyip...I'm sure you've had to put up with hearing crap like this and worse for years and am just so sad that my hubby sees things that way-not the sort of example I want for my ds-my dh comes from a family where the men are proud of the fact that they've never changed a nappy and laugh at him when he washes up or kisses our son but I thought he was a better man than that after 17 years of reconditioning!

Thanks to everyone for their comments, I just feel that he's been slowly slipping back to his old ways and this just tipped me over the edge...he HAS been super-creeping today so it's thawed out a bit here, hopefully he'll think before he opens his big mouth again:mad:

Aww Migimoo, I know just how you feel, my hubby is just the same. He really doesn't see childminding as real work, and when I first started he was always apologising for me, it drove me mad because having worked in really busy stressful offices most of my life, I can honestly say that childminding is much more demanding. He had three sisters and came from a family where the men went out to work and that was it. I work longer hours than him, and do everything, if I have a network meeting in the evening and have to rush out soon after the children have left, I could bet our house that he will not have moved a cup. He thinks he is being wonderful when he mows the grass in the summer once a month or so. It is really frustrating.
But....we all say things we regret, I do it all the time...and it sounds like your hubby has tried really hard over the last few months to make amends, and it is difficult to change years of family conditioning, which really is a very good example of why our job is so important, teaching children respect for each others views and cultures, try not to take this one comment so much to heart. he obviously realises again how hurtful he has been. I do hope things get better for both of you.

MessybutHappy
19-02-2013, 08:49 PM
This isn't a job, its a vocation! A job you start at a fixed time and finish at a fixed time!

My own Mother was very rude when I said I was changing careers, basically implying that I'd taken a step back in time and undone all the good that other women had done in getting the vote etc. This from the woman who hired au pairs and nannys to look after her own children!!! Pah!!!!

When children mess up, I tell them its their behaviour/attitude/comment I object to - not them.

Can you apply this to your hubby? It distances the silly comment/lack of awareness of the hurt they've caused, from the whole person that he is?

Sorry if I sound trite - it's so horrid to be distanced from the one person you should be closest too. Hugs.

migimoo
19-02-2013, 09:44 PM
Well we've just had a whispered 'discussion' in the kitchen (all those with kids will know what I mean) and i told him how I felt let down and hurt by his comments and he apologised unreservedly, saying he knows exactly how hard I work and how great I am at my job and that he's so proud of what I do-insisting that he was saying that HE couldn't do my job for even 1 day and that was what he meant....hmmmmmm-not quite how he meant it imo but fed up of not talking tbh....I get no adult conversation as it is!

Still not happy with him on the chauvinism front with having a 9yr old impressionable son in the house and let that be known and left to sink in....we've just had a little make up kiss 'n cuddle (before 13yr old dd stormed in shouting that we're weirdos and her friends parents don't do that!! :laughing:) so hopefully that's the end of that.

Thanks again for 'listening' everyone xx

....oh,and i've just informed him that ds is going to netball camp on Friday(his choice)....his reaction?..."oh...erm...that'll be nice" (i'm sure a nerve in his eye started twitching:laughing:)

The Juggler
19-02-2013, 09:53 PM
ahh hugs hon. glad you have made it up 'sort of' don't think he will dare utter anything like that in future!

chriss
20-02-2013, 12:35 AM
My first reaction was that I wanted to punch his lights out....felt so upset for you. My second reaction was to punch his lights out. Dont let him off too easy :)

toddlers896
20-02-2013, 08:12 AM
Sorry to hear that. Its so sad when our men dont take our jobs seriously. I get it sometimes too and it really gets my back up. If I try to tell him about something and say what would you do he would say whats the big deal, you take this childminding too seriously, you are only looking after children.
I hope you get it sorted, sending a big hug :group hug:

Rubybubbles
12-03-2013, 04:53 PM
My first reaction was that I wanted to punch his lights out....felt so upset for you. My second reaction was to punch his lights out. Dont let him off too easy :)

Lol made me laugh because today that would be my response!

Hope all better now x

VeggieSausage
12-03-2013, 05:18 PM
ignore comments like these.....this is why I secretly put 10% of what I earn 'away' so that I ahve my own cash if I need to ditch my dh :laughing: (truthfully I do!)

rosebud
12-03-2013, 08:09 PM
I do think it's sad that we don't seem to have come very far in my (not inconsiderable) lifetime. I have a female doctor, women go into space, but still every parent sends their DD here dressed in pink and with their sole life's ambition of becoming Kate 50dding Middleton and marrying a prince. (Sorry - bit of a rant there. :o)

:)

At least they don't want to be the next Jordan!

MessybutHappy
12-03-2013, 08:37 PM
Ah Bunyip, did you not get to be a fairy when you were young? Or did you aspire to be a cowboy or an indian?!!!!! ;))

scottishlass
12-03-2013, 09:17 PM
Well we've just had a whispered 'discussion' in the kitchen (all those with kids will know what I mean) and i told him how I felt let down and hurt by his comments and he apologised unreservedly, saying he knows exactly how hard I work and how great I am at my job and that he's so proud of what I do-insisting that he was saying that HE couldn't do my job for even 1 day and that was what he meant....hmmmmmm-not quite how he meant it imo but fed up of not talking tbh....I get no adult conversation as it is!

Still not happy with him on the chauvinism front with having a 9yr old impressionable son in the house and let that be known and left to sink in....we've just had a little make up kiss 'n cuddle (before 13yr old dd stormed in shouting that we're weirdos and her friends parents don't do that!! :laughing:) so hopefully that's the end of that.

Thanks again for 'listening' everyone xx

....oh,and i've just informed him that ds is going to netball camp on Friday(his choice)....his reaction?..."oh...erm...that'll be nice" (i'm sure a nerve in his eye started twitching:laughing:)

Sometimes husbands say stupid things - glad he apologised and you are talking again! I am just a new minder and my hubby annoys me sometimes - random things like if he pops in he will try to give me advice or offer suggestions!! Or ask questions such as when we are getting ready to go out - does x not have a hat and warmer coat - eh if he did do u think I would be putting on a thin coat and my daughters hat!! Xx

littlemiss60561
12-03-2013, 11:33 PM
Glad you made up x
Mine says things like " did you see on the news to day ...." Erm... News??
" ah I had to rush my lunch, I only got 10 minutes " 6pm and I'm still waiting to eat mine, let alone get a break to eat it in...
" have I got any shirts washed?"

Bless them hey x

mrs robbie williams
13-03-2013, 12:11 PM
I had two new ones started Friday and was sorting toys, activities for them, dh says they are only little can't u just stick cbeebies on !!!!!

bunyip
13-03-2013, 12:23 PM
I had two new ones started Friday and was sorting toys, activities for them, dh says they are only little can't u just stick cbeebies on !!!!!

That's not necessarily disrespectful. Maybe your DH just wants an excuse to watch Bob the Builder. :D

bunyip
13-03-2013, 12:27 PM
Ah Bunyip, did you not get to be a fairy when you were young? Or did you aspire to be a cowboy or an indian?!!!!! ;))

:laughing:

Oddly enough, I used to enter "Other - Faerie Folk" as my chosen ethnicity on equality & diversity surveys in my last "proper job" - also "World Citizen" and "Golgafrinchan Colonist". That was ever since I discovered that you are whatever ethnic origin you want to be.

I told my careers adviser I wanted to be an assasin, but got sent to see the deputy head as a result. Still - better than sitting through the rest of a half-period of careers advice. :rolleyes:

SJ35
13-03-2013, 12:53 PM
:laughing:

Oddly enough, I used to enter "Other - Faerie Folk" as my chosen ethnicity on equality & diversity surveys in my last "proper job" - also "World Citizen" and "Golgafrinchan Colonist". That was ever since I discovered that you are whatever ethnic origin you want to be.

I told my careers adviser I wanted to be an assasin, but got sent to see the deputy head as a result. Still - better than sitting through the rest of a half-period of careers advice. :rolleyes:

Haha!!! Just choked on my tea!! An assassin! Love it x

migimoo
13-03-2013, 04:25 PM
ignore comments like these.....this is why I secretly put 10% of what I earn 'away' so that I ahve my own cash if I need to ditch my dh :laughing: (truthfully I do!)

....(me too....my mummy taught me well:blush:)

lubeam
13-03-2013, 04:31 PM
I've always got secret money :) my mum keeps it :) I always take a bit out for extra spending money on holiday thou dh is bad with money thou so doesn't realise that we came with no spending money but yet were goin out n on trips n that lol! He doesn't even have a bank card or no his log in details! As long as he can have £50 for work , a motor bike that is kept in tax test n fuel he's a happy bunny!
Last week he actually asked if we had any saving to which I replied us no dear were broke :)
Better safe than hungry :) lol

skatie
13-03-2013, 04:51 PM
I've always got secret money :) my mum keeps it :) I always take a bit out for extra spending money on holiday thou dh is bad with money thou so doesn't realise that we came with no spending money but yet were goin out n on trips n that lol! He doesn't even have a bank card or no his log in details! As long as he can have £50 for work , a motor bike that is kept in tax test n fuel he's a happy bunny!
Last week he actually asked if we had any saving to which I replied us no dear were broke :)
Better safe than hungry :) lol

I like your thinking, may very well adopt the same attitude! My oh is TERRIBLE with money, spends more than he earns so think I may take over the budgeting an shovel a bit away here and there.

lubeam
13-03-2013, 06:42 PM
He hated it when we first lived together having to sort out bills n that so he just said u do it n have me his card, he's got an emergency visa with a £200 limit just in case that occasionally get service charges on (he's a lorry driver ) i let him off wi that thou lol :) he's happy I'm happy it works :)