Child's name

[julie w]

It's a bit of a dfficult one, but one of my mindees parents had a stillbirth 5 years ago. As you can imagine it was a terrible time for her and her family. She has since had another child which I care for. I have recently had an enquiry from a parent asking me to care for their baby and I really want to. However their baby has the same name as the baby the other mum lost. I mentioned it to the first mum and she is begging me not to take on the new child because she would find it too painful hearing her lost childs name . What do you think I should do?. I would really love to mind this child but the other mum would be so very upset and hurt. Thankyou xx

[sarah707]

Oh heck what a dilemma. :(

At the end of the day you are running a business.

I call them sugar or sweetie or honey etc etc lots of the time ... could you just find a pet name everyone is happy with?

xx

[halor]

Is it a common name or a more unusual? I think the idea of a pet name is great. If its a common name such as Thomas or Charlotte then you may find you have requests in the future for other children with the same name IYSWIM. It's a very difficult one though. The problem will be when the child is school age and there's bound to be other children in the school with the same name. Sorry, I haven't been much help hav I :-/

[little chickee]

Thats difficult.
We are of course all different but I am now minding (and have been for 18 months) a child with the same name as a baby I lost.

I don't find it a problem but i know that doesnt mean someone else wont.

Unless she choose an unusual or uncommon name she is bound to hear it sometimes.
I personally wouldnt want to turn away the child. Would the mum come into contact with the child?
Is there a shortened version you can use?

If it was a child i really wanted to take on I think I would. Try to explain sensitively to mum and try to have her understand that it is just a name - she diesnt have ownership of it.

[Tazmin68]

If they went ahead with contract ask if there is a pet name or something else that you can call this child like Sarah suggested. I am not saying divulge everything but try to give some form of reason to parents why you would prefer not to call child by full name.

[Marshmallow]

Oh good luck with that one !:blush:


It's a bit of a dfficult one, but one of my mindees parents had a stillbirth 5 years ago. As you can imagine it was a terrible time for her and her family. She has since had another child which I care for. I have recently had an enquiry from a parent asking me to care for their baby and I really want to. However their baby has the same name as the baby the other mum lost. I mentioned it to the first mum and she is begging me not to take on the new child because she would find it too painful hearing her lost childs name . What do you think I should do?. I would really love to mind this child but the other mum would be so very upset and hurt. Thankyou xx

[Mouse]

What an awkward situation.

While you have to have very sympathy with the mum who has lost her child, you do have a business to run and can't turn work away. Unless it's a completely unique name (obviously not if another baby has it), then she is likely to come across it at some time & can't always avoid the name.

The idea of a pet name is very good. I don't think I call any of my mindees by their proper names!

Good luck to you & mum x

[FussyElmo]

A pet name is ok however there will be times that you need to call the child by its name. What about the other children in your setting I may call my mindees sweet peas etc but all the children use the proper name.

Also if you ask the parents of the new mindee if they mind you calling their child by a shortened version/pet name what happens if they take offence. It really irrates me if someone shortens my eldest dds name.

As sympathic as you can be to the first mum she has put in a difficult position. If the parents object to a shortened version will they be insulted and not sign. If they sign will your mum who has been with you for a long decide its too much upset and give notice.

Good luck in deciding :thumbsup:

[TAZ]

While I have every sympathy with this Mum, loosing a child is about the worst thing, she will have to come to terms with other children having the same name at some point. Sometimes the longer these things are delayed & not talked about/dealt with the harder when it has to be. By the Mum facing up to this now may actually help her in the longer term.
I do not think it is fair to ask new parents starting if you can effectivly change their babies name, unless they have another name that they already use. It is a special name that they have chosen.

[jadavi]

I agree it's terribly hard but would not consider turning down the business for this mum's sensitivity and am frankly amazed she has asked you to.

[pinky33]

Whilst this is a difficult matter, I'm a bit gobsmacked with people thinking its ok to strip a child's identity away by using a "pet" name. That's just not on IMHO.

[miffy]

What a difficult situation for you but I don't think you should consider turning down the work if you want the job and its unfair of the other mum to expect that you should.

Miffy xx

[LauraS]

It would be very unfair to call the child by a pet name constantly, and the new child's parents would probably think your cheese had fallen off your cracker if you suggested it. That said, it would be feasible to avoid using the child's name in the presence of the other mum... thinking about the amount of time that my.mindees spend in the presence of other children's parents, its would only be for five minutes at either end of the day. It wouldn't help with mindee going home and saying the other child's name, though :s

It's going against the grain, but if business was brisk and I could easily take on a different child, I would consider doing so (depending on how far the enquiry with the other child.had progressed and how obligated I was to the new parent and child). If I was committed and pulling out would cause undue inconvenience to the new.parent or financial uncertainty to me, I would probably suggest to mum that I would be as sensitive as possible but that I needed.to take on the child for business reasons.

Good luck x

[RuthJ]

Gosh, what a difficult position you've been put in!

It's for you to decide really but I think I would be inclined to have a gentle chat with mum and explain that although you understand how upsetting it might be, you do have a business to run.

It's unlikely that she's going to get through the rest of her life without hearing the name and she needs to face up to that really.

[wendywu]

It was 5 years ago and i cannot believe that mum has not heard the name of the child she lost in all that time. She had no right to ask you not to take child on and that was unfair. Maybe this is fates way of telling mum now is time to let go time for closure. I would take the new child on x

[shortstuff]

My answer is going to sound cold so i apologise in advance. Would you let any parent choose which children you take on in your setting for any other reason? You run the setting, yes the parents input is invaluable but this seems, like other people have said, to be a step too far. You need to make the decision for your business.

That said i do apreciate the deep loss the mum fels but maybe gently discuss her need for some counselling as it sounds like she has bottled up her grief rather than dealing with it. Also if she doesnt eventually deal, the feelings will engulf her. Loss like that does stay with you for an incredibly long time but to still be sensitive over hearing the name suggests the need for outside help.

Apologies again for sounding harsh :-)

[wendywu]

My answer is going to sound cold so i apologise in advance. Would you let any parent choose which children you take on in your setting for any other reason? You run the setting, yes the parents input is invaluable but this seems, like other people have said, to be a step too far. You need to make the decision for your business.

That said i do apreciate the deep loss the mum fels but maybe gently discuss her need for some counselling as it sounds like she has bottled up her grief rather than dealing with it. Also if she doesnt eventually deal, the feelings will engulf her. Loss like that does stay with you for an incredibly long time but to still be sensitive over hearing the name suggests the need for outside help.

Apologies again for sounding harsh :-)

Quite agree, i think if a parent asked me this request i would have to pick my chin up from the floor i would be so shocked :eeeek:

[Rick]

It's your business, I'm afraid it is nothing to do with mum who you take on. Whilst you shouldn't ignore the fact that the other child with the same name is present, you don't have to repeat it constantly in front of mum. I don't mean to be flippant but what happens if you say no to new business this time and next potential mindee is also a name she doesn't like to hear?

[Becci26]

If it were me I would take the child on, not meaning to sound cold but there will always be times when mum comes across the same name and u can't go through life avoiding it however hard it may be.

That said, I feel the dilemma here is the fact that u have spoken to mum about it and asked her thoughts, she has said how she feels an I would now feel in a very tricky position so as not to upset mum.

Sorry no real advice but in hindsight I perhaps would have waited until the child was definitely starting and then let mum know the situation.

[hectors house]

Names will always envoke a memory whether it be happy or sad one - I would take on the new child and just try not to call the child by name while the sensitive mum is in the house. Otherwise you will be setting yourself up to turn children if they have same name as a parents ex husband, dead canary etc.

When my niece died in a car accident aged 2, her parents then had another daughter and used the first childs name as a middle name for the second daughter. And I have a copy of my family tree on which it shows that if a son died young then they had another son they gave him the same name.

[stargazer1]

Hmmmmm awkward. Losing a child is horrendous. My sister died when I was 16, absolutely horrendous for me, so much worse for my parents. But when my DD was born, we used my sisters name as DDs middle name. We saw it as a lovely way of remembering her, rather than dreading ever hearing it.

I wonder whether this mum could benefit from some counselling to her her move on? Only she can decide that tho.

Now to sound a little harsh - I'm a bit shocked that she asked you not to take a child on for that reason. When her child goes to school, there could be two or three with the same name - is she going to ask the head teacher to exclude those pupils to spare her feelings? Because I know what the answer would be.

I think a gentle, sympathetic, understanding conversation is needed but yo explain that you simply cannot turn business away on that basis. Hopefully she won't be too upset. I am guessing it was the initial shock of hearing the name that lead to her reaction.

Good luck xxx

[julie w]

Thank you to everyone for their replies. I always get such good help and advice from you all. I will take the new child but I really dont think its fair to give them a pet name (although theres lots of sweethearts etc in my everyday talk). We'll work through it, and it may even be eventually helpful to the first mum. xxx

[mushpea]

whilst its an awful thing to have happend to mum you cant not take on a child because of their name, and I cant understand why you would have mentioned it to the mum in the first place, who you take on in your buisness is nothing to do with her, I dont tell other parents that I have a new child starting each time, it just happens and they have to go with the flow, they know their child will never be my only child, I personally woudl have taken the child on and delt with mum when the situation arose, you could call the child sweetie or darling in her presance but it wont stop her child from calling this child by its name in front of mum, I wouldnt mention it anymore to mum and take on the child then when mum notices just explain that you can nnot afford to not to take on this child and whilst you understand her pain you are running a buisness.

[~Grasshopper~]

hi

im glad you have decided to take the child on. i had a stillborn daughter 4 years ago and i would take on a child with her name and infact ds1 has a friend called her name and it doesnt bother me. i had to move on and its not helping the mum not to deal with it.

xx

[samb]

I had been looking after x for over a year when x said "a was mummy's dead babies name" I was a bit taken aback as I knew nothing of this! The name x said was babies name is my dd's name! My dd is 4 yrs older than x so mum knew at time of signing contracts. She said she never saw it as a problem. Everyone is different though- I am sure you will be able to support the mum appropriately. Does her child you currently mind talk about the baby or do they not know?