Mindee being bullied at school

[izzy23]

Ok advice purlease.

Mindee, 7 year old, just disclosed to me he is being bullied at school - this after I have spent morning having to pull him up for angry behaviour towards siblings and my LO in the setting.
I have had a chat with him about it, he hasn't told teacher, cant tell me why he hasn't, said he told his mum and his dad (who are not together) mum and dad have both said "hit them back" (the bullies)
*SIGH*. You may remember I had a blocked toilet few weeks back, mum seemed to think mindee had shoved loads of paper down on purpose as his behavior has been off, well this is same mindee.
So I'm not surprised about parents attitude and I've head this time and time again with other families in my other job as a teaching assistant, but I am still pretty much disgusted, given that there is not much chance of them going to sort it out with teacher, would you bypass them and mention it to school yourself?

GOOD MORNING :cool:

[TNT]

Poor boy:( It sounds like you have a really good relartionship with him (even though he sounds like hard work).
It is a tricky one, could you mention it to parents and maybe suggest that you would have a word with the teacher at the next school drop off as it is more convienient for you to see them?

[marnieb]

Tbh i wouldnt bypass the parents - how would you feel if you were in their shoes and someone went over your head???

I'd offer your help to the parents, tell them that if they dont have time to go into school then you're happy to do if for them??

[izzy23]

Yes, I understand that point, however I think there are issues around safeguarding here, especially if mindee is being advised to hit back, in this case there might be grounds for raising concerns directly with school. TBH trying to pin parents down for a chat (minus any kids present) is like trying to gain an audience with the pope. :littleangel:

[Helen79]

I would speak to school directly. It's a safeguarding issue and if parents aren't going to deal with it properly then someone else needs to bring it to school's attention.

[FussyElmo]

Yes, I understand that point, however I think there are issues around safeguarding here, especially if mindee is being advised to hit back, in this case there might be grounds for raising concerns directly with school. TBH trying to pin parents down for a chat (minus any kids present) is like trying to gain an audience with the pope. :littleangel:

Can I ask why you think there is a safeguarding issue? Ok mum and dad are not giving the most politically correct advice but knowing children can and will go to the teachers for it to be swept under the carpet and not being dealt with I sometimes wonder if its not the best advice to give :blush:

I have always told my children to go to the teacher didnt stop my ds being picked on, the day he turned round and clocked him one ,made the bully leave him alone. Yes I supported the school when he got put into isolation (they both did) but he wasnt in trouble at home :thumbsup:

I wouldnt mention anything to the teacher as its the parents job and do you have permission to speak to the teacher to do so.

[QualityCare]

Who has main care of child mum or dad, is it both who say hit back or just one with the other following along, can you get one parent on your side and suggest going to school together or ask if they would like you to liaise with school, can you chat to child and say that he should speak to a teacher (not necessarily his own) and that its not wrong, he is not telling tales or whatever the in word for doing so is, ask him if he would like you to go with him, if he does you would have to tell one of the parents. Can you explain to mum that his behaviour at home is a cry for help and is related to what is going on at school.

[izzy23]

Can I ask why you think there is a safeguarding issue? Ok mum and dad are not giving the most politically correct advice but knowing children can and will go to the teachers for it to be swept under the carpet and not being dealt with I sometimes wonder if its not the best advice to give :blush:

I have always told my children to go to the teacher didnt stop my ds being picked on, the day he turned round and clocked him one ,made the bully leave him alone. Yes I supported the school when he got put into isolation (they both did) but he wasnt in trouble at home :thumbsup:

I wouldnt mention anything to the teacher as its the parents job and do you have permission to speak to the teacher to do so.


Sorry I can't agree with you re turning round and clocking the bully one. Yes I am aware that school resources and staff can be stretched but I really don't think adding more negative physical behavior to the mix would help. I can tell you now that if my LO or bigger one, turned round and retaliated then they certainly would be in trouble with me also.
Also there are other issues at work, without going into long history of this family - 3 years now I've been working with them, but there have been other CP issues and I worked with school on a cause for concern two years ago. So I am also kind of looking at the bigger picture when making a decision about this incident/matter.

[FussyElmo]

I would speak to school directly. It's a safeguarding issue and if parents aren't going to deal with it properly then someone else needs to bring it to school's attention.

If only bullying was classed as a safeguarding issue - if it was taken more seriously then children would not be suffering at the hands of other children :(

[izzy23]

Who has main care of child mum or dad, is it both who say hit back or just one with the other following along, can you get one parent on your side and suggest going to school together or ask if they would like you to liaise with school, can you chat to child and say that he should speak to a teacher (not necessarily his own) and that its not wrong, he is not telling tales or whatever the in word for doing so is, ask him if he would like you to go with him, if he does you would have to tell one of the parents. Can you explain to mum that his behaviour at home is a cry for help and is related to what is going on at school.

Both parents, in fact the "dad" is estranged step dad (its complicated) I don't have any contact with biological dad

[TAZ]

I would encourage mindee to go & speak directly to his teacher, ask him if he would like you (or one of his parents) to be present while he does this for support. If he agrees to this then he is the one talking to the teacher about it, not you so shouldn't be an issue for you,you just need to document what happens,what was said.
If mindee does not agree to speak to his teacher, then I would speak to teacher (we are supposed to be communicating with the others who care for the child). You do not need to say he is being bullied directly, if you don't feel comfortable with this, but can say you are concerned over his behaviour, have they noticed anything? how does he interact with his peers?...

As a parent I wish I had been more pro-active when my child was 8, sometimes it is only much later (in our case after we'd moved house & out of the area) that you discover the extent of what was going on.:(

[FussyElmo]

Yes but your op doesnt mention any other safeguarding concerns so its hard to give advice when the full story is not known.

[Helen79]

Can I ask why you think there is a safeguarding issue?


Bullying is a safegaurding issue. If parents aren't going to contact school and the mindee doesn't feel he can tell the teacher then the bullying will continue. He's trusted Izzy enough to ask for her help by telling her, the disclosure needs acting on, whether the parents agree or not.

[FussyElmo]

Bullying is a safegaurding issue. If parents aren't going to contact school and the mindee doesn't feel he can tell the teacher then the bullying will continue. He's trusted Izzy enough to ask for her help by telling her, the disclosure needs acting on, whether the parents agree or not.

Yes but the child has told the parents (ignoring Izys point about other safeguarding concerns) and the child may not know if the parents have contacted the school. My children never know if I ring the school because most of the time they would tell me not to. In this case you need to speak to the parents first.

I say again if bullying was classed as a safeguarding issue then it would be an issue in schools and children wouldnt be suffering :(

[izzy23]

I would encourage mindee to go & speak directly to his teacher, ask him if he would like you (or one of his parents) to be present while he does this for support. If he agrees to this then he is the one talking to the teacher about it, not you so shouldn't be an issue for you,you just need to document what happens,what was said.
If mindee does not agree to speak to his teacher, then I would speak to teacher (we are supposed to be communicating with the others who care for the child). You do not need to say he is being bullied directly, if you don't feel comfortable with this, but can say you are concerned over his behaviour, have they noticed anything? how does he interact with his peers?...

As a parent I wish I had been more pro-active when my child was 8, sometimes it is only much later (in our case after we'd moved house & out of the area) that you discover the extent of what was going on.:(

Yeah I have emphasised that he needs to tell teacher, either about historical events or if not stuff that has happened previously anything that occurs from now on, tell teacher!! He is very reluctant to do so though, just kept shaking his head at me. i have explained that this is the best way for him to deal with it and get the help he needs.

[FussyElmo]

Yeah I have emphasised that he needs to tell teacher, either about historical events or if not stuff that has happened previously anything that occurs from now on, tell teacher!! He is very reluctant to do so though, just kept shaking his head at me. i have explained that this is the best way for him to deal with it and get the help he needs.

Does he think that nothing will happen if he tells and that he becomes "the telltale" in the other childrens eyes giving them more reason to bully him.

[wendywu]

I would tell mum that i was going into the school to sort it out as it was affecting my setting, but i tend to be able to get away with this sort of attitude because i am a bossy boots :laughing:

I could not bear to think of a child at scool being worried and upset and would rather have a disgruntled parent on my hands, but it would be a case of you tell the school or i will

[Stapleton83]

Have also had one of my mindees being bullied at school and as I do the pick up and drop off suggested perhaps I should talk to school which she was more than happy for me to do, but she did follow it up with a phone call too.

Could you pretend you don't know he has told mum/dad and tell them he has confided in you and that you want to encourage him to talk to school about it as he may not be the only one being bullied? Just a thought, good luck.

Instead of telling him to hit back perhaps you could encourage him to stand up for himself by turning round and telling the other child "NO" in no uncertain terms. My DD had a boy who was a pain the proverbial so I told her to find her feisty monster inside and say no as loud as she could, we even practised at home and that worked.

Good luck

Sam x

[izzy23]

Yeah, its unfortunate that I cannot really go into all the history of this family that would give more context, I am 99% sure that if I spoke with a parent it would be in one ear.. etc etc based on similar situations in the past, its very very difficult. As for the safeguarding element, I was more referring to the home life of mindee, if parents are advising a child to engage in physical fights I class that as a safeguarding issue.
I am having a good think about it today, in fact its all I've thought about (when I should be preparing for my LSA job this week, being observed in class - eeekkk-) but think I'll approach mum for a chat, see what response I get, and will say, I am going to raise this with school also as this is affecting my setting.

[wendywu]

Some parents are more than happy to pass the buck and let someone else protect their children :panic:

[izzy23]

Spoke with mum, she is going to raise it with school, she says its a known issue and has been into school several times about it, I will be following this up with school and she knows this. So we'll see how it goes I guess :clapping: