Behaviour management - after school child.

[Childminder in Kent]

I am having trouble with my behaviour management with one child in particular. He is six and CAN be a very nice, polite, friendly little boy. However since he started a few months ago I have noticed a gradual increase in his 'not so good' behaviour. Before he started his mum told me that he could be a 'bit of a monkey' and needed strong boundaries.
The sorts of problems I am having are:
Hurting, Not sharing/snatching/tugging things away from babies - I have had to pull him off of my 18 month old son.
Being very nasty to his sister - name calling, hitting her, generally annoying her if she is not playing with him or doing something for him - he seems to think that she is here to amuse him and play with him all the time, shes not 'allowed' to play with other children unless he is happy for her to do so.
Laughing at and making fun of other children if they are 'told off'.
Being rude, back answering and shouting at me - Things like, "I don't have to do what you tell me" "Im not listening to you"
He's told his mum that i'm lying and im horrible (said right in front of me) when I have spoken to her about his behaviour.
IfI don't let him play on the PC, DS or WII then I will have all these issues - every day. When allowed on the PC etc he will completley monopolise it and not 'finish' to allow other children a go.

If I suggest any games/garden/crafts/TV/Cooking I am always told that they are boring. The only thing he does 'like' doing is going to the park.
If I threaten to speak to mum, His answer is "I don't care - she doesn't do anything anyway"!

I dont feel that I can go on with this situation for much longer and have verbalised that to Mum on Friday. Im at a loss as to what to do. Does anyone have any advice?

[Kiddleywinks]

I think at this point you need to decide if you want him to leave, or if you're prepared to really give it one more go with him (and mum if she's not backed you sufficiently to date)

If you want to give it another try, then arrange a formal meeting with mum, and dad if he's also at home, and 'compare notes'
- what's he like at home?
- are there the same issues there?
- what strategies are being used at home? are they effective?

At 6 years old, he will understand if he can play one off against the other, so you really need to have mum/dad on side for anything to work with him, and if, as he says, she doesn't do anything anyway, then you are going to be fighting a losing battle from the off imo.

Consistency and firmness is the key here, no means no. Time out/thinking time, whatever you want to call it, and then a brief discussion about expected behaviour, removal of privileges, and earning them back. (In my house the wii is now a privilege and not a right, as I was having similar issues surrounding it's use)

Once you've spoken to his parents formally, you can decide on a plan that is followed at home too, and give it a time period to see if there are any changes. He didn't get like this overnight, so it is going to take a good few weeks just to break the bad habits, and parents need to understand this - it's a long haul, not a quick fix
I would also explain that if after the time period (say the next 4 weeks) there are no improvements, (or you realise you're doing this on your own) then you will have no choice but to give notice for him - presuming you want to keep the sibling (it may be she could do with some time alone from him herself lol)

Good luck

[christine e]

Sounds to me like he is use to getting his own way and really I think you need to take control and show him who is in charge - do you use time out? How about a reward chart (I have recently done this for the first time and it worked) all the children (after schoolers) got a sticker at the end of the day if they had behaved in a manor that I expect from them and then could get extras for going that extra mile, after a few weeks when everyone had earned stickers I took them out to tea. Behaviour greatly improved by them all.

Good luck

Cx

[Childminder in Kent]

Thankyou both for the advice.
I do think he gets away with a lot at home. His parents are seperated and he definitley plays them off against each other - I have seen/heard it. Mum usually collects and he is never bothered if I speak to her - This is where the problem lies I think. Over the holidays, Dad was due to collect him - I mentioned that i'd have to speak with dad if his behaviour didnt improve and by his reaction/demeaour I could see that he DID NOT want me to talk to dad.
I had a good chat with Mum on Friday and whats really put me off is that yesterday, before he had even got into my house he said to me "I know you have rules at your house, but I dont like following rules and i can do whatever I want". How do I deal with that?!
The reward chart has been tried - he couldn't have given a 'flying fig' :-)
I am consitent, he knows what is expected and I always say how it is the same rules for all and tell other children off if they do similar things.
I have childrten arriving soon so will have to check this again this evening.
Thanks for your imput.
Pat

[lizduncan72]

I had one like this-no discipline at all at home, dad was actually proud of the fact that he had never disciplined 6yo!!!!! I was getting the same 'I don't have to listen to you, your house is stupid, your toys are rubbish' etc. in the end I had to give notice as it was affecting my kids and other mindees too.

[TNT]

I agree with all the pp's about strong consistent boundaries (doesnt sound like he is getting them at home) and being firm.
He sounds like he is not a very happy little boy, when I have had children with behavioural issues before praise works wonders. At first you have to find the tiniest things to say well done to but it does get easier. It is tiring and you have to lay it on really thick sometimes but he wants attention so try to give it positively. Also have you had a quiet sit down with him (I know it is difficult to find the time) and actually talked to him about how he feels and why he behaves this way? If you come up with some ideas together to help him behave appropriately that may work too.

It sounds like very hard work and I think you will have to put a lot of effort in to help him behave better.

[marnieb]

Really strong boundaries are what this child is missing - I would come down like a ton of bricks, tell him tonight what you expect, have a time out zone all prepared 'just for him' - and make that bit extra clear!!!! - he'll soon learn that doing nothing is worse than any activity!!!!!

[izzy23]

I agree about the positive praise comments, but also it can be tricky balancing all of this, cause you still have to be firm and use your discipline techniques when needed. Absolute consistency is the key, set a path and tone and don't waver from it as everyone else has mentioned this kid needs boundaries!!!

[ChocolateChip]

I would also take the 'ton of bricks' line. I've had one in the past who sounds very similar, although a bit younger and no sibling at the time, the same old scenario of no boundaries at home. It took a few weeks as this lad was very 'headstrong' (to the point where I was sure there were issues going on) but in the end he just realised that I wasn't going to stand for it. He didn't like it but soon understood that he needed to toe the line with me regardless of what went on at home. His parents weren't particularly interested in working together so as I was able to manage it I just got on with it in the end and stopped wasting my time trying to involve them. At the end of the day their loss, as he was fine with me but still runs rings round his mother 3 yrs later :rolleyes:

Tbh it's probably a bit trickier for you as it sounds like he has no qualms about challenging your authority (my case was a lot easier with a 3/4 yr old), so I would say give the hard line a go but if it doesn't work out then give notice and don't lose any sleep over it, you cannot have child of that age (who is old enough to know better) hurting others, whether it's his sister or not.
Hope it gets sorted :thumbsup:

[Childminder in Kent]

Thanks everyone, I have given notice to the mum tonight. She took it well.
Im so please I did. Just before he left, he went to the toilet. My daughter went in there after, she trod in wee. Not so bad he's a boy after all...But there was wee everywhere and I mean everywhere, He hadn't lited the lid of the toilet so it was covered, its up the wall, on the radiator, floor everywhere. He must have stood in the doorway and just done it. Im so angry.
Im going to start another thread about this.