help please with a child who has social issues

[mushpea]

I have an 8yrold mindee who has ADHD and as a result has social and sharing issues,hes been with me for 2 weeks and so far things havent been to bad as I havent had many children after school but as of Monday I will have 2 other children after school, a 3.5yrold and 15month old, the 2 younger children have been with me for 3.5yrs and have just increased hours.
I have noticed that when other children try to play with him he gets upset as he wants the toys to be played with a certain way or he wants the train track built a certain way, he gets frustrated with the other children when they decide to change the play or track and this has led to him shouting at them, he hasnt yet lashed out at any child but when the kitten kept trying to play with the cars he had he forcefully held on to her so she couldnt move to get them, this is all because he dosent understand social situations as we do and i want to help him with this but at the same time want to avoid any major clashes.
I am tempted to corden of a corner of my living room and tell him this is his area to play in and explain to his sister and the 3.5yrold that when S is in this area we leave him alone as he feels the need to have time to himself, this seems a good idea in some ways as he will have time to himself the other children are learning that not everyone wants to be social all of the time and that somtimes we need to leave each other alone BUT is it fair on the other children when he takes a box of toys in to this area and plays with them alone, the other children can see those toys but not be able to play with them and I spend my days teaching them to share so is it fair that he dosent have too.
I did think he could have some 'older ' type toys like knex or lego in 'his' area but again is this fair on my son or his sister who is also old enough to play with these toys.
do you think his 'corner' is a good idea or how would you deal with these situations

[Helen79]

Instead of a corner, could you set up some activities on a table for him to play with. I do this for the older children anyway so they can play without the toddlers ruining their game or if they want to play with something that isn't suitable for the littles. It'll be easier to explain to the younger children that he's playing with older children's toys that they're not allowed to play with than setting up a corner with 'his' toys that they're not allowed to share.

[mushpea]

Instead of a corner, could you set up some activities on a table for him to play with. I do this for the older children anyway so they can play without the toddlers ruining their game or if they want to play with something that isn't suitable for the littles. It'll be easier to explain to the younger children that he's playing with older children's toys that they're not allowed to play with than setting up a corner with 'his' toys that they're not allowed to share.

yep i like this idea and it could work as he could have the kitchen table but would you just allow older toys there or would you allow him to pick somthing and go and play alone? the conflicts start when he is playing with somthing and the other child wants to join in at the moment I tell them to ask him if they can play his game and then they must respect it if he says no but again although this is teaching children we dont always want or need to play together he is then not sharing the toys arrggh this is so hard to work out lol

[Boris]

I had a LO with social and attachment issues last year. He had a special place which was a little space between my sofa and the wall. I made a little den for him with cushions and blankets. He had his own special toys (from home) in there and some photos of special people. It did help. Anything is worth a try I say!

[lynnfi]

I wouldn't give him an assigned *corner* of the room, as this could point to him that sometimes he needs to be on his own due to his *problems* and make him feel excluded to say the least. Despite the positive of giving him some space to chill out when he wants to be on his own, it might turn out very negative very quickly if you see what I mean. As a parent I would be horrified.

A nicer alternative in my opinion would be to tell hinmthat if he sometimes wants some private space he can always use the sofa, or this or that table etc (still included in the main area). But not a designated corner or area to keep him apart.

Sorry if I sound a bit harsh, I understand the difficulty of the situation, but as I said the other side of the coin is not far.

[Boris]

Sorry I think I mis-read the OP! I thought it said a corner to go to if he felt that he needed time away from everyone else not a corner to be sent to! Ooops! Agree with the others!

[jackie 7]

I think the idea of a place for him to go to when he is deregulated is great. I know it seems strange but he needs an area he can control. This gives him a safety net when loosing it. It is not a punishment but a calm down area. Having nannied for add and adhd kids I wish you luck.

[mushpea]

I never said this was a place he had to go, it was a place where he could choose to go when things get too much for him, he cant cope in social situations and has trouble understanding that other children want to play with him, he cant understand how to play with them so i thought it would be nicer for him to have a place where he could go to where he can play on his own, this meant to help him so why you would be horrifyed I dont know? it was by no means a punishment but meant to be a place for him to chill, my own son has the same issues but he is able to take himself off to his room when it all gets too much, obviously the minded child dosent have this choice.
should I instead force this child to play with the other children? if I was to do this then he would have a sensory overload and end up getting frustrated, angry and then lashing out, surley its better to deal with the issues whilst they are still minor and help him,
I have decided that he will have 'older' toys with which he can choose to take to a 'safe' area to play with by himself, these are toys that are to advanced or small for the younger children anyway, I will then explain that any toys that are in the playroom are for all to share, he can then either share the toys in the play room or choose an older toy to play with alone. this might mean he cant play with toys he wants to as he dosent want to share but i cant see a fairer whay of doing it.
I cant put a table in the main area for him to play with stuff as the others will then want to still play with him and those toys which defeats the object of him having a place to himself. i wont make it out to be 'his den; as then all the children will want a den but rather a place where he can play with the older toys. I cant let him do this at the table in the kitchen as its free flow here and childrne have access to drawing stuff in the kitchen so they cant draw if hes trying to have his own space, i have a lounge and conservatory so have more than enough room for him to have a corner to escape to, infact somtimes he will sit in the corner with the kitten quietly stroking her so i can see this is what he needs/wants.

[FussyElmo]

what about a beanbag still in the same area.

I think it's a great idea that your mindee has his own personal space - hopefully it will help them loads to deal with any issues/meltdowns they may have :thumbsup:

[mushpea]

thanks fussyelmo,, trouble with me is I hate quitting and really want to help him to intergrate with the younger children but at the same time I really understand his need for his own space, giving him his own space isnt a problem as I have a big enough house to do this but its the whole sharing toys issue, like if he starts playing with a toy then another child wants to join in thats when he gets the hump, he needs to learn to share but also needs to escape,

[FussyElmo]

all credit to you for trying to find a middle ground. I see nothing wrong in the child having their own personal space. if a younger child climbed on the settee for some peace and quiet I allow that too. I also actively encourage my own older children to escape to their rooms.

one of our local high schools actually have time out spaces who need such an area :)