View Full Version : Advice please.....

14-10-2012, 09:24 AM
On the 22nd of October it will be my late fathers birthday. I normally visit the crem to lay flowers, it has never interfered with the mindee's before as it has always fallen during half term. This year half term is a week later, so I will be working.

Would it be ok to take them with me to lay some flowers?
I feel a bit uneasy about taking them but I also feel very odd to think that I won't get a chance to lay flowers.
I can't go after work as the crem shuts before I finish.

I know some of you will say 'just go at the weekend' but I can't explain it, I would feel funny not going on his actual birthday.

Sorry, I feel really silly asking this but it is bothering me. :blush:
What would you do, take them with you or miss going ?

It's only a 20min drive and I would just go straight there, lay the flowers and come straight home.

14-10-2012, 09:31 AM
Ask the parents - I wouldn't mind if it was me, sending hugs, my Mum passed 6 years ago and I like to remember her on her special day too ((( ))) xx

14-10-2012, 09:34 AM
Sending hugs. I'm sure it will be fine to take the mindees but ask first to be sure :)

14-10-2012, 09:39 AM
Personally I wouldn't and as a parent I wouldn't want my children being taken to the crem either. But that's just my opinion.

I would either start work later that day, finish early or take the day off. I understand fully why it needs to be on the day, so would make arrangements so it could be.

14-10-2012, 09:41 AM
Thank you.
Of course I would ask first and if any of the parents say no then I wouldn't take them.

Sorry, feel really silly asking this :blush:

14-10-2012, 10:26 AM
hey its not a silly thread i think its important children learn about life and death and im sure the parents would understand xxx

14-10-2012, 10:34 AM
All my mindee's parents are teachers, so having the day off or altering my start/finish times is not an option unfortunately.

14-10-2012, 10:50 AM
Could you take someone with you to sit in the car with them for a few minutes? Dont know if that's allowed or not there? Thinking of you, lost my dad four years ago

14-10-2012, 11:04 AM
We often go to activities based at our local church rooms - and have to walk through the graveyard to get to the door.

I find the older children are fascinated with the graves and we have taken rubbings and spent time looking at / reading them before now if the children are interested.

I think if it was a raw memory and you were likely to be crying and upsetting the children then parents might be worried - otherwise it can be planned like any outing as a learning experience.

Hugs xx

14-10-2012, 11:12 AM
i would tell parents that i was going to lay flowers and that i would be taking mindees. i would tell the children that it was my dads birthday and he died, so i am taking him some flowers to remember him. if you are happy to do so, maybe share some stories with them about your dad. i think the majority of parents would understand. like sarah said, if you were going to be upset, it might be hard, but otherwise, it is a planned experience.

my (step) dad died 3 years ago, and i have moved away, but if i could i would go and would take mindees with me. my natural father died before i was born and so i never met him, and some how, last week, over tea, we ended up having this big discussion, mainly my own children and schoolies, but 3 yr old mindee was joining in about daddies and memories and stories, we then started talking about grandparents and great grandparents dying, but stayed positive with stories about everyone. i did tell all the parents, and everyone was fine with it. it is part of life.

hugs to you x

14-10-2012, 11:20 AM
I know how you feel. I buy flowers to have at home, dad wasn't keen on them and didn't want us hanging around churchyard/crem thinking of him so for me at home is the place. Will be 6 years next month :(

My Inlaws are buried on our farm - all legal and remote :) , in the wood. I took mindees for a walk down there last week and 3yr old saw the memorial stone and asked about it - I just said it is where we remember them and showed him their names. It's quite discreet. TBH I had forgotten we would go past it

In your situation I would ask parents, depends on ages of mindees too and go from there. Take a day off if you feel you need to - some things come before work. Could you arrange with parents and another CM for other CM to sit in car for a few mins - possibly in sight? Not ideal but trying to think of a solution

14-10-2012, 12:12 PM
Thank you everyone for your replies.
My father has been gone 13 years this year and I am at that stage now where I can go to the crem and not cry but instead remember the good old days etc.

Where my father's ashes are, is in a beautiful rosé garden and to be honest, if it weren't for the little brass plaques, you would think you we're just in a lovely garden.

I will speak to the parents and see what they say.

Thanks again to everyone who replied, i appreciate it :thumbsup:

14-10-2012, 02:08 PM
I think, having lived in Ireland for nearly 9 years, the Irish have a much healthier attitude to death and helping children cope with it.

Here the body is kept at home in an open coffin and friends and neighbours call in with food and drinks to support the family.

My husband died almost 5yrs ago and i was quite shocked when my mindees and other children were brought to the wake and the funeral............but then when i saw one of my mindees reading my husband a bedtime story as he lay in 'his special bed' i realised children cope much better than adults with death.

We walk through the village grave yard on school run (safer than narrow path on main road).

I've taken my mindees to place flowers on my husband's grave now and then and didnt think anything of it. The mindees i had at the time of his death would draw pictures and make lego models for grave.

My father died in July and my 26yr old nephew just couldnt cope whereas my mindees attended the wake and funeral and said their goodbyes.

In your case i would mention to parents you are going to take flowers and then answer mindees questions as truthfully as possible.

Big hugs for you as well xxx

hectors house
15-10-2012, 08:54 AM
When at the British Museum in London a few weeks ago I saw that the Mexicans (I think) celebrate 1st November as a festival to "Day of the Dead", this is the day my father in law died on 3 years ago, don't think I will be celebrating it with the mindees but just thought it was interesting how other countries aren't afraid to come out a say the word "Dead"!.

I did take 3 mindees to a funeral (with parents permission) it was a friends mother, she used to be a childminder and brownie leader and it was a lovely celebration of the life of a special lady. We just went to the 30 mins service - one mindee slept in buggy through whole thing and other 2 enjoyed the singing.

Another time I took another childminder (who didn't have any children that day) to sit in the car with my mindees while I attended my husbands aunt's funeral as it was a crem rather than a church service.

I would tell parents that you are going to put flowers on grave, reasuring them that you are not going to be upset in front of children - what difference is it to the Rembrance Day service the children may watch on tv with their parents?

Happy Gardener
15-10-2012, 09:44 AM
I would go, & I am sure that your parents would understand. It is all part of life!

15-10-2012, 11:39 AM
Thanks everyone.
I spoke to all three parents today and they are all fine about me taking them with me. :thumbsup:

15-10-2012, 11:46 AM
thinking of you xxx

15-10-2012, 12:29 PM
I am so pleased that all parents have said yes.

I think that children should understand about death and not be hidden from them. We have not hidden death from our boys (now 15 and 17) and though they do get upset (dont we all) they take everything in their stride. I think as well with us we are very open with questions as from the age of 6 yrs my dh grew up on the grounds of a cemetry until he was around 22yrs , so this has been a big part of his life. His dad used to be town clerk and part of this was running the cemetry.

I lost my mother nearly 3 years ago and am still at the hurt/angry etc stage. I dont go to the cemetry anymore as I find it to hard but my way of coping is to send money to a charity on her birthday/mothersday/ christmas etc.

Hope it all goes well x

15-10-2012, 05:16 PM
I take my mum to the crem every year on the date we lost my dad. It is like a vast park with a river at the bottom.

I take mindees as well and we then all go for lunch out. Parents never have a problem with it and no way would they want me to take a days holiday. :)